Saturday, February 5, 2011
27
no kind love
would leave me here
take away treasures
strip me bare
of all the soul
holds dear
forsake all just
and fair due
· when angels speak of love by bell hooks
Fine Line by Harry Styles
This story follows the Canon Timeline. Each date represents a missing moment or deleted scene that should fit on the timeline. This is not a one for one retelling and some canon details will be overlooked, some moments will be fluffed. Enjoy.
Damon surveyed the dense forest on the small island of Nova Scotia, like a man stuck on a stormy sea just a few miles from home. The lighthouse would surely be just over the horizon.
Desperation really did not cover the level of anguish Damon felt because of Bonnie's absence. He was sure that the fear he was feeling had nothing to do with the lingering habit of being the Bennett protector. No, Damon felt like he was on the verge of drowning. He needed to find Bonnie and he needed to find her alive.
Damon knew that he was doing everything the wrong way. He understood that Elena was in shock after Jeremy's death and needed comfort. He knew that Jeremy's body needed to be taken care of. He knew as Elena's partner she was his present-day responsibility; he was supposed to protect Elena. But all Damon could think of was Bonnie. So, he did what he had promised Elena, he would never do. He chose Bonnie, not for the first and certainly not the last time.
As he searched, he rationalized that it was the right thing to do. He reiterated it was for Elena over and over in his head that by the time Rebecca came to him, his explanation sounded authentic. Even though, Rebecca offered to help he did not care. He just felt the overwhelming urge to ditch the blonde and get back to searching. He needed Bonnie.
Damon did not know why or when he started needing Bonnie. He just knew that he could not imagine her not being around. Living life without her petulant nagging, her snarky comebacks and endearing smile was not an option.
Full of adrenaline he focused on thinking rationally as he looked everywhere for her. His fangs were slightly protruding as they pressed into his lips in agitation. Vamping out would not solve anything but the urge was great in his agony. Even worse his heart, his cold dead heart was aching. He did not know it was possible for a vampire's heart to twitch uncontrollably that way, but it did. Its normal pattern of irregular beating, and slow tremors was now a tortured murmur of electric nerves; he swore it would gallop into a full heartbeat any second.
Finally, when his eyes locked on hers his universe fell back into alignment. When she embraced him, her warmth spread through him like a wildfire. Her everything overwhelmed his senses; his body was still on high alert from the search. Damon wanted nothing more than to push his intense feelings out on to her. To berate her for worrying him. To lock her away and ensure she never got lost again. To kiss her.
It was not the first time he wanted to kiss her, he regularly found himself desiring it but now the feeling almost conquered him. Bonnie's statements about saving Jeremy brought him back to shore. There would be no passion of the moment. No earnest confession of caring. Just a hug.
She was not his to kiss and hold. Neither was he, hers. That was as it should be, it was what they had confirmed last December. Although he knew this, Damon could not help but feel a little lovelorn, even though he should not have felt that way at all.
Damon finally got what he wanted with Elena, a relationship. It had only been a mere eleven days since Elena had declared her love for him, and here he was stuck in Canada with another woman. A woman who did not feel anything for him, let alone consider him a friend. Damon knew he should not want Bonnie, but Damon always had a thing for the ones he could not have, and Bonnie was surely the most unattainable thing he had ever encountered.
Their flight back to Virginia would not leave until 7:00 am the next day, so Damon called ahead and procured the last room available at the hotel they had been staying at previously. As they drove back to the hotel, Damon was shriveling under the weight of their silence.
Bonnie was understandably distant after Jeremy's death, but Damon could not help but guess that her aloofness was heightened by the hug they shared, a conflicting moment of vulnerability in the shadow of last December.
Damon's mind was selfishly stuck on the memories of their banter and the roaring of their quiet longing. In the suffocating silence he would even take one of their horrific fights from the past, he would give a limb to hear her speak.
Periodically, Damon would stare at Bonnie, her green eyes tuned to the zooming forest outside the window. He knew she was coping; he could see in her the determination and the will to make the impossible happen. To return the man she once loved back from the dead, even if he did not deserve it. Damon knew he should not judge Jeremy about his choices, he in fact was secretly straddling a line between two women in his head.
Bonnie after Jeremy's betrayal was okay, hurt but okay. Damon assumed it was just because she really did not love him but after seeing her with her mother, he knew that Bonnie just did not cry easily. No matter what came her way Bonnie would pretend to be okay.
Damon knew better though, he had first-hand experience in pretending not to hurt. Bonnie was as soft as she was strong. Critical as she was kind. Although she was managing things, he knew she was hurting. More than likely she was making this her fault when it really was not. Its what he would do. Did. Does.
"Why do keep staring at me Damon?" Bonnie's voice was the pleasant surprise he had been longing for.
He resisted the urge to say that it was because she was beautiful opting for good old fashion denial, "I don't know what you're talking about."
"I can feel you brooding at me," she retorted dryly her gaze still stuck outside. He wished she would look at him, he missed her look of annoyance.
"Brooding, you got the wrong Salvatore. I do not brood."
"You are a vampire, aren't you? Isn't brooding apart of the territory," she finally looked in his general direction, he could not catch her eyes in time, but he saw them.
"Watch the road Salvatore, this isn't the Fast and the Furious."
"What and what?" Damon knew what she was talking about. Some of his many pastimes were reading and watching films, what else was there to do with 100 years of free time. He, however liked riling Bonnie up, he was hoping for an eyeroll, and she delivered.
"Never mind," she huffed putting her feet up on the dashboard of the rental, whispering," old fart."
"Uh, rude and rude," he said swatting her feet down," as you mentioned before this old fart happens to be a very powerful vampire, little bird."
"But you agree with me?" Bonnie turned to him a small smile on her face barely reaching her tired eyes.
"Agree with what?" Damon's gaze repeatedly traveled from hers and back to the road as he made his way to merge into the offramp.
"That you're an old fart," Damon rolled his eyes, a huge smile plastered on his face. They were bantering again; he missed it.
"Ha-ha Bonster, you get one point for your lame joke, meanwhile I am eleventy to one for all the layups I've scored on your dorky ass over the past year or so."
"One, fuck you, Damon. Two, name one time you got the edge on me, and I didn't reciprocate. Three, stop with the nicknames or else…"
"Or else what?" Damon stopped the car finally at their first destination.
Bonnie's eyes finally locked on his and he felt the little ache in his chest quiver again. Surely it was a bad sign, was he dying? Or was the black magic Bonnie had clearly been using having adverse side effects on him. Like a super-potent contact high. Either way it was not right and spelled that something other than lust was stirring within him.
"What are we doing here," Bonnie sighed deflating in her seat after finally noticing that they had parked. They were just outside Tim Horton's a Canadian chain that Damon did not know much about but saw ads for since they arrived.
"Well obviously, we are here so you can feed the grizzly bear inside of that tiny little body of yours."
Bonnie snorted out a laugh, before opening her car door and walking to the restaurant. As expected, Bonnie did not order much, just enough to stop the hunger pains. Damon got himself a coffee, which was decent considering most human food did not taste like much of anything.
"No pancakes," Bonnie whined in a whisper. Earlier today he had heard her conversation with Jeremy about finding a place to have authentic Canadian maple syrup and pancakes. Damon wondered if he could remedy that. If only to take Bonnie's mind off things and keep her talking to him. He did not want her to start spiraling, he knew it would happen he just did not want it to be with him, he would not know what to do.
#
After a quick google search Damon produced a plan. The Winter Wonders Fair was an annual event held in preparation for the maple harvesting season. Vendors would be selling their older supply in preparation for the knew supply coming in, for the next few months. Damon knew Bonnie would not go for it, so he decided to drive directly there, ignoring her questions as they passed the hotel exit.
Damon got out of the car, vamping to other side before opening the door, "I am not getting out of this car Salvatore until you tell me why we are here."
Damon knew that Bonnie would not follow him even if he told her his real motives were just to make sure she had a little fun before they went back to the hotel. He knew Bonnie still disliked him most days, maybe even still hated him after what happened last December.
He decided to go for the direct approach, it was a risk, but he was willing to take it if it meant Bonnie would smile. Damon unbuckled her seat belt and scooped her up in his arms before throwing her over his shoulder.
She was so light, and not for the first time, he thought the nickname little bird was incredibly appropriate. He closed the car door and barely took three steps passed the front of the Jeep Cherokee he rented before she hit him with an aneurysm.
"Ahhh! Fuck Bonnie," he could not help but cry out as he set her down in front of the truck. He, however, refused to let her go, instead he kept her curvy hips in his hands.
He was not surprised that she attacked him like that, but he could not help but feel a little peeved. Why is it so hard to be nice to this girl? Because she rightfully, does not trust my selfish ass.
"Where are you taking me Damon?" Bonnie spoke firmly arms crossed while her eyes burned with that all to familiar fire that made him weak. He felt the aneurysm was almost worth it just to have her full attention.
"I am trying to do something nice for you Bonnie Bennett, yet once again, you are making it impossible for me to be the nice guy," he whimpered loudly even though he had recovered quickly from the ache in his head. He decided to lay it on thick, just to make her feel bad for hurting him. He could not help it.
Bonnie decided to hit him with another aneurysm and physically tried to push him away. Despite the pain he did not let her go, instead he pushed her backwards pinning her against the truck.
"Let go of me Damon," her voice crooned out raspy low and threatening. He loved it and it took everything in him to keep her pinned there, even more to keep his eyes on her without wincing in pain.
Damon pushed himself on to Bonnie and noticed for the first time that their pelvises were perfectly aligned. Although he did not get to explore that thought for long before he was hit with another intense wave that had his head keeling forward near Bonnie's shoulder.
"You're strong Bonnie," he growled through the pain," Stronger than me. But I know you are hurting. I know you are blaming yourself for what happened. I know it will not make the pain go away but let me help you deal with it. Just an hour of happiness before we go back to it all. Back to the fighting. Back to you hating me." Back to me pretending not to care about you.
The aneurysm stopped, and Damon looked up at Bonnie certain that she was finally, open to his proposition. When he looked into her green eyes, they were swimming, tears on the horizon. He could not imagine what he said to hurt her. Hell, he had practically confessed his undying… caring for her.
"What's the matter Bonnie?" his voice was barely a whisper, and his much larger hands were cupping her face wiping away tears with his thumbs. His defective heart was lurching out of his chest. Crying women were always his weakness.
Damon searched his mind for what he said. He was sure he was right, he didn't know Bonnie very well but he knew she was selfless and self-sacrificing. And she believed she had a responsibility to protect everyone even him sometimes.
Happiness . That was the subject that would make him uncomfortable.
"You don't feel like you deserve to be happy, do you?" the words came out crisply. Damon could not help but feel it sounded more like a confession than an accusation. Bonnie considered him carefully, her brows knitted in a hard and angry line.
"No Damon," her voice was clipped," it is not about me being happy. I do not want to go with you."
"Can't you see I am trying to show I care, there I said it I care," Damon's was voice was elevated but still barely above a whisper.
This woman could and would start a fight with me over anything and everything. Damon was trying to be a gentleman, something he had not been to her in a considerable amount of time, and she had issues with it. She wants me to treat her nicely, yet she acts like this when I am. It's so unreasonable. Well, I suppose I have given her plenty of reasons to hate me.
"No, you don't care, if you cared then you'd take me back to the hotel and leave me alone."
"So, I can't help you is that it. You won't accept this little reprieve because I am the one giving it to you."
"That's just it, Damon it's not about you," Bonnie's words seared into him, branding him with a strange guilt he never expected, "Everything you are doing is for you not me. You say, you can see me hurting. You say, you see that I am frustrated yet when I tell you the one thing, I do not want right now is this; all you can think about is you."
The tears Bonnie had been holding back start to dribble down the sides of her face, "You are right, I am angry and blaming myself. You understand how I am feeling. So, you know the last thing I want right now is to feel happy or okay. I need space Damon to feel this and focus on the task at hand and I cannot do that if I am pretending. And that is all going to this fair would be, pretending."
Damon was upset because he wanted to take care of Bonnie, no he needed it. The thought of her crying alone in their hotel room didn't sit right with him. Was it truly selfish to want to be there for someone you cared about?
Bonnie was wiping her face, still trying to hold it in. Still trying to be strong. Then it hit him, Bonnie was tired of pretending to be okay. If he were any of her other friends would she have pushed them away if they ambushed her with a good time. Probably not, Bonnie was usually a good sport and let her boundaries get done in. She would probably be at the fair trying and failing to fake a smile. She had trusted him with the truth, that she was sad, tired, and needed space. With him she was not pretending.
He was still concerned but he decided to respect her wishes, he trusted her not to wallow. Bonnie was a fighter and would not be taken out by sadness so easily.
He reluctantly took her back, putting her bags in the room quickly before leaving her the spare and vamping away. He headed out to a local bar he had seen not too far from their hotel.
He had ordered a bottle of Pappy Van Winkle one of his many favorite bourbons, hoping to calm whatever rumble was going on in his chest. After the fourth glass his mind was on his mother. His mother, bless her soul, was a saint and after physical and verbal fights with his father would push her two sons away for days at a time. "Some wounds were best licked alone," was her motto, anytime he went to comfort her. Those moments always left him feeling hollow and lonely.
Bonnie unlike his mother was going to bounce back. She was strong and he reminded himself of that, yet still he felt hollow. It was moments like this that he missed Elena. Elena was so easy going when it came to things like this. She liked being swept away in him, she enjoyed the random surprises. Elena would not have rejected him in that moment. Elena would not leave him hollow like his mother did. Elena needed him and he loved that.
Yet so did Bonnie. Even if she did not see it. Even if she did not believe it. She needed someone to take care of her. But what could Damon do if she would not let him. Give her space.
Damon drank his fifth glass in one go, feeling shittier than he started just like he planned. Damon could accept that Bonnie was nothing like Elena, he should not compare the two. Elena loved him and Bonnie tolerated him. He learned his lesson with Katherine. Yet unlike with Katherine he could respect Bonnie. He too needed alone time when he was frustrated and stressed. He too had more than enough shit on his plate, could he really blame her? No.
Once again, he realized that he and Bonnie were an awful lot alike.
Having enough of the uninteresting atmosphere of the bar he took the bottle with him and headed out. On the way back he passed a small tourist shop just about to close. On one of the displays he saw a rose keychain. He knicked it and headed to the hotel.
#
Damon started to open the door, but he decided it was best to knock when heard the bathroom door open on the other side. After opening the door slightly, Bonnie's head popped out. She smelled of hotel shampoo and he could feel the heat radiating off her body. Her eyes were red from where she had obviously been crying.
Damon did not know what to say or how to react really. He felt guilty and frustrated at the same time. More than anything he was glad she was okay.
"Damon, did you need something?"
"Well, it's going to snow soon, so I'd like to get inside and warm up before my balls shrivel."
"What do you mean? Do you not have your own room?"
"Nooo," he sang," I got the last room they had. So please let me inside so I can get into my bed and pass out."
"Uh, you sure there isn't another room left," Bonnie's tone turned snappy, and he once again wondered what he had done to deserve her aggression. Yes, he knew the answer was everything. No, he was not willing to accept it.
Damon was not in the mood, he almost shouted her name at the top of his lungs but decided to be amiable," Sorry my little Bonflake, only room left. Now, can I please… get in… so I…. can sleep."
Bonnie's cheeks went bright red, and her gaze fell to the floor in front of him. His heart did that thing he was really starting to hate but this time in his throat. Despite his new determination to give her space Damon could not help but want to crowd her with his feelings. He wanted to comfort her, pinch her cheeks, and kiss her. Taking a deep breath, he settled himself. He was going to learn not to react to her just like she had learned with him. Except she was failing miserably, and he loved it.
"Damon, umm," her voice was soft a new tone he had never heard before. The blood was rushing down south, exactly where he did not want it to go. God could she be any cuter.
"What?" he spat out aggressively pleased that he had not revealed anything.
"There is only one bed you idiot!" she shouted before slamming the door in his face. Her tiny stomps could be heard as she marched away. Damon was crying with laughter and not the fun kind. The I cannot take any more of this kind. He just wanted to sleep.
Damon entered the small room and instantly noticed the queen-sized bed taking up most of the space. There was a tiny bathroom to the left in the back of the room and a small desk and chair on the left toward the front.
Damon did his best to ignore Bonnie who was covering herself in a white towel even though she had an oversized shirt on that hid mostly everything. He said mostly because her slender bronzy legs were on display. Damon wanted to pretend like he was not affected by her, but it was hard. He had gotten a full glimpse of everything underneath that towel and baggy shirt last year on her birthday. And he liked what he saw a lot.
"Don't worry Bon-Bon," he yawned," The bed is all yours. This chair is all mine." The chair was incredibly uncomfortable, there was no way he was sleeping soundly if at all tonight.
Bonnie looked at him suspiciously before tiptoeing quickly and bunny hoping into the queen-sized bed and under the covers. Damon could not help but notice the way her butt jiggled just enough. His mind went back to their joined hips from earlier and immediately his feet went up on the desk, as he angled himself and his crotch away from Bonnie. Grateful to Bonnie for leaving her coat out he used it as a makeshift blanket to cover his tepee.
Damon decided to crack open the bottle once more, feeling the familiar sting as he took a deep swig. He could not get drunk easily, but Pappy sure did know how to give him a good buzz. Sitting there minding his own business he could sense Bonnie staring at me. He dared to look at her for a second and found himself holding back a chuckle. Bonnie had decided to wrap herself up like a burrito in the hotel linen. Her face was all that could be seen.
"Are you cold little bird?" he asked failing to make his tone sound indifferent.
"Yes, no," she corrected herself quickly.
"Yes, or no?"
"Yes, I am cold and no I don't need help with that," Damon thought about saying something mean like, who was going to help you anyway, but he uncharacteristically did not want to sound petty. Plus, he was hoping he could somehow convince her to let him in the bed. The chair was a form of torture that made vervain seem like child's play.
"Can I have some?" Bonnie asked timidly. Damon did not object he simply outstretched the bottle forcing her to get up from her hiding whole and get closer to him. He half expected her to give up and curse him. Instead, she rolled out of the bed, quite literally, and walked to him still cocooned for the most part. With her hands free and cover safely tucked around her she took a swig that was barely one-eighth of a glass. Her cheeks immediately go pink before she hands him back the bottle.
"Is that Canadian?" she asks sitting back down on the edge of the bed.
"No, it's one of my favorites from Kentucky."
"Must be expensive if it's one of your favorites."
"Depends on what you consider expensive."
"Too expensive for me."
"It could be inexpensive if you would like," Damon croons voice raspy from his last swig of liquor. Reaching into his pocket he grabbed a set of old keys with the freshly stolen rose key chain. He tossed it to Bonnie, and she caught them albeit a little wobbly from only a little bit of alcohol. Her tolerance had always been low, she scared him the most when he saw her drinking with her friends.
"Happy 18th Birthday. It is your inheritance, something I started for your family long ago. When I was still the kind of man you might have approved of not the selfish asshole you hate."
"I don't hate you; I just think you're an asshole." Damon smirked, realizing that he walked right into that one again. Bonnie was biting her lower lip as if, she regretted being rude. He did not mind he genuinely loved her wit. Regardless of if they ever grew to be friends, he hoped she would never stop putting him in his place," Thank you, Damon."
Bonnie examined the keychain in the palm of her hand closely tracing the upraised edges of the rose with her thumb, "You really don't miss a birthday do you."
Damon looked at Bonnie surprised," No, I have not missed many Bennett birthdays."
"Many?"
"A story for a different time."
"Why the change in roses?"
"What do you mean," Damon played dumb.
"Pink to Red, does it mean something?" Damon was in dangerous territory. He considered his next words carefully, choosing to deflect entirely.
"Bonica was the name your mother had settled on before you were born, she went with Bonnie because she thought it sounded cuter, at least that is what I overheard once," Damon was at the hospital that day. It was a strange day in 92, a single rainbow hung high in the sunny blue sky just after fresh snow fall. Damon was struggling with his humanity and after a murder bender that had lasted two years, he decided to grab some blood bags to start weaning himself off the vein. That is when he smelt the Bennett's at the hospital.
"Bonica Rose," Bonnie smiled tears in her eyes," That is the name she wrote in her goodbye letter before she left. I thought it was her all this time letting me know she still loved me."
Damon knew Abby had loved Bonnie and most certainly still did. He had no clue why she abandoned her only child; he just knew that he did not care for the woman. Damon handed Bonnie the bottle and this time she took a chug, like half a glass. Damon stopped her before she could take another one
"You never stop anyone else, not Jeremy, Caroline, not even Elena. Why can't I drink."
"Go ahead little bird if you want to make yourself sick, go right ahead, I'll give you just enough blood to cure the alcohol poisoning and leave the hangover."
Bonnie thinks it over and decides not to," I just wanted to sleep."
"You'll sleep plenty little bird."
Bonnie crawls back onto the bed making herself comfortable. Her eyes locked on his. It was just them, in this small room together eons apart yet closer than grains of sand on the beach. Their eye contact was hypnotizing. He found himself searching for something in her, he didn't know what, but he knows he will know when he sees it. He is desperate to see it. She breaks the quiet respite that is their gaze as she slurs her words falling asleep.
"Damon why do… you… only… call me... lillle burdd. when…we …. are alone?"
Bonnie was fast asleep, and Damon watched over her, the sound of the AC was the only thing that could be heard above her gentle snoring.
Late in the night she cried out and without thinking he takes her small hand into his he tries to give her a dream, but instead he is pulled into something that feels heavy and more resolute than any dream he has experienced.
Together they are transported to Mystic Falls but different, colder, and colorless. They are all alone and over the horizon and he can see an eclipse taking over the sky as pieces of the world are sucked into its dark center.
Bonnie looks older and stronger, she is speaking to him, but no sound comes out. He feels himself responding but no sound comes out of him either. Damon tried to take control of the dream, but he could not. He was locked in, involuntarily he moved closer to her and grabbed her hand. Bonnie looked back at him her peridot green eyes shining slick with tears as they prepare for the eclipse to suck them away. The next morning Damon wakes up still holding Bonnie's hand, heart racing.
