Part 5
Author's Note: I couldn't stop thinking about this fic, and then I started wondering what would happen if Obi-Wan went to see Anakin in the Citadel instead of him escaping. I knew it would happen eventually because there's only so long he can be stubbornly stupid (I think O_O) so I wanted to explore that as an AU. xD
Also, if you want to know what happens next in this universe, just re-read parts 3 and 4. It'll be pretty much the same. :D
Oops, that was a spoiler. XD
~ Tirana Sorki
WARNING: Past torture.
~ Amina Gila
Lola Sayu reminds Obi-Wan too much of Mustafar for his liking. The heat everywhere is practically suffocating, and the rivers of lava are too familiar. Not that any of the past five months have been "to his liking" anyway.
It was five months ago that many of the Jedi had visions of several years into the future – it was more like getting their memories of that time, actually. Memories of a world beyond his worst imagination. He doesn't know how the galaxy could have fallen so far, how any of it could have happened really, but... At least they had a warning, and they've been able to take steps to change it.
Palpatine is dead – he didn't see the future, so they used his own plans against him, turning the Festival of Light into an excuse to kill him in a way they wouldn't be accused of treason. (Obi-Wan did it himself, and he knows he shouldn't have found it quite as satisfying as he did.)
But – Anakin is still gone.
He was already Fallen when the Jedi came to arrest him, and – Vader is all that's left now.
That doesn't mean it's been easy. Of all the time he was in the future, what he longed for most was Anakin. What he missed most was Anakin – wondering constantly how their relationship could ever have fallen to the point it did. And the same is true now. It's been so long since he last felt him, had him at his side, and knowing he never will again is...
It's hard.
Maybe it hasn't even been entirely half a year but remembering so much of his time alone in the future and knowing it will never change makes it almost intolerable sometimes, and he supposes, that's what he's here at the Citadel now – the place the Council imprisoned Vader.
Coming here is only going to make how he feels worse, though. Vader isn't Anakin anymore. It will only make returning to the Temple after seeing him again even harder. It will make every day knowing he'll never have Anakin back more difficult.
Obi-Wan doesn't even know what he thinks he's doing here. It's stupid. (He just misses Anakin. He – he wants to feel him again, to see him again, but... coming here is pointless if that's what he wants.)
But if nothing else, it won't hurt to make sure that Vader is really secure here. The don't need a very angry Sith breaking out and being unleashed on them and the galaxy.
The walls of this place still feel of darkness and misery – it was in the Separatist hands for a long time, after all. (He doesn't have any desire to sense to know if any of that misery and darkness are more recent.)
"Has he been... cooperative?" Obi-Wan asks, pausing in the hall outside the door. Suddenly, he doesn't know if he's ready for this, but he came all this way. He still can hardly say why. Padme and Ahsoka were nagging at him endlessly to do this, and he didn't, only because he knows how pointless it's going to be. So, he doesn't know why he's here now.
"As much as you can imagine," Jedi Master Masana Tide replies. They picked some of the Jedi with visions who'd had future experiences with Vader to guard him here, making sure he can't escape. Technically Obi-Wan was the best option of all, but he... couldn't do that. Besides, he's a Council member. He has other duties to attend to, like helping keep the galaxy from shattering completely. The Clone Wars are still going on, after all. "But he has no chance of breaking out. I assure you that he is very secure here."
Obi-Wan nods. "I expected him to be." That's what the Citadel was built for, after all – containing Fallen Jedi. "I won't be here long."
She opens the cell door, letting him inside.
Obi-Wan still doesn't fully know what he's doing here. He can sense Anakin's presence, and it's dimmed from what it once was, but it's not as dark as... Vader's was. It's muted, quiet. He's not ready to see him again, but he wants to. It feels like he needs to, and he doesn't know why.
Vader is pacing the length of his cell when the door opens. The room is as small and dim as Obi-Wan remembers from their last trip to Lola Sayu. It's not a nice place to be. His face is pale, drawn – Obi-Wan doesn't know why, and he doesn't know why it hurts to see. He looks... tired. "Are you here to finish what you started?" Vader asks finally.
"I came to see if you are secure," he snaps back.
Something in Vader's expression looks almost... disappointed? "Why now?" he asks roughly, "Why not months ago?"
"Contrary to your belief, you are not the center of all disturbances in the galaxy."
He looks stung, and it hurts to see on Anakin's face, because this isn't Anakin anymore. Even if he looks like him. Even if his eyes are blue. They were blue while they fought on Mustafar, too. They only faded to gold after... after.
Except now that he's here, he doesn't know what to say.
Vader looks down, crossing his arms. He looks small. Anakin did that sometimes, too, and the similarity hurts even more. "How much longer?" he asks. "How long will I be in here?"
"There is nowhere else for you to be. There is no other place safe."
He nods without voicing objections. It's... unsettling to see. Anakin was never this quiet and submissive. He doesn't know why this is so different. Vader was violent, deadly. This isn't what he's seeing now, but Obi-Wan isn't foolish enough to believe that can't change. "I... understand. Is... is Ahsoka alright?"
For some reason, the question immediately irks him. "You ask that now, after you betrayed us?"
"I..." He cuts himself off again, arms tightening. "She was my responsibility. I just..."
Obi-Wan could just as well answer him and let him know that Ahsoka is fine even if she's struggling, but he doesn't want to. He knows he's being cruel to let another's worries continue needlessly, but he doesn't want to reassure Vader. He turns around, starting for the door, still warring between answering and ignoring him.
He stops only when he feels the unexpected flare of fear from Vader. It's overwhelming, smothering, the first real emotion he's shown. "Master, wait. Please. Don't go."
"What?" he asks, and he knows he's being sharp, but he doesn't care. Even if part of him is caught off-guard and slightly concerned about the overwhelming fear coloring the Force.
"I know what I've done," Vader says – he's standing closer now. He looks scared. "I don't expect you to forgive me for it. Just don't – please don't leave me here. Not again."
It's like a knife to his heart to see, and he has no idea how to react to it. In the dim lighting, with the primary colors red and black for a moment, all he can see is Mustafar and Anakin lying at his feet and reaching for him as the fire consumes him. But he needs to be reasonable. "You know there is nowhere else we can keep you. Nowhere you wouldn't be a threat."
"Not like this. Not like this." He genuinely looks like he's trying not to cry. "I can't."
"Vader," he says cautiously, taking a step closer to him.
The Sith visibly flinches at the name. It's like he's expecting something violent. He's afraid of something, and it instantly has Obi-Wan on edge. It's hard to tell if this is a ruse for something, but he doesn't think it is.
To be fair, being trapped in a very small place alone is enough to drive anyone insane eventually.
"What is it?"
He breathes in and out shakily. "It just – it hurts so much, and it's so lonely here. I know I deserve it, but I..."
It certainly doesn't feel like he's talking to a Sith, and Obi-Wan almost wishes he didn't come here. It was easier on Coruscant when he didn't have to start questioning everything that he thought he knew. He hates that part of him wants to accept, because it's the Council's choice, and Vader doesn't deserve mercy. "The Council does not know I came, but perhaps I can speak to them about it."
"Master..."
That's always what he's calling him now, strangely, instead of his name. Obi-Wan doesn't understand that, either. Anakin had grown out of that during the Clone Wars.
**w**
Anakin doesn't know why he's doing this. He doesn't even know what he's doing, but all he wants to do is cry. Everything hurts all over – when he heard Obi-Wan was coming, he'd initially panicked until he remembered that he doesn't know if Obi-Wan knows. He doesn't think his master would ever be willing to go along with it, but he didn't think his master was capable of what he did on Mustafar, either.
He's not even sure what he's trying to say, except he's scared.
What mainly kept him going was that he didn't think Obi-Wan knew – that he thought his master just didn't want to come here – he can understand that, too. If his master was willing to let him go through this, he would... he doesn't know, but he's fairly certain he would stop trying altogether. If Obi-Wan thinks he deserved this... he must.
Except he doesn't know for sure if Obi-Wan doesn't know – he hasn't said either way. If no one knows, Anakin highly doubts the Council will be willing to take him out of here without knowing, and he... he's afraid to tell Obi-Wan, in case they don't care, and the... fallen Jedi – because he knows without a doubt that they're Fallen simply because of how dark they are – will be angry and hurt him even more.
But he wants nothing more than to get out of here.
For all that he's tried to phrase this, his mind draws up blanks now that he has to try explaining. "Master," he says again, uselessly. It doesn't help how there's a part of him that wants to blurt out a string of useless apologies of how he quite nearly killed Obi-Wan on Mustafar, of how he wouldn't stop fighting even when he knew he should've. Even if he's still hurt that Obi-Wan was willing to do that to him. An apology is useless, and for all he knows it might make Obi-Wan angry, but he can't just say nothing. "I'm so sorry. I nearly killed you."
He senses a distinct flicker of disbelief. "You regret that?"
"You're my master," he says, fingers clenching. It hurts, but everything hurts right now. It always does. "I shouldn't have attacked you, no matter what was happening." He braces himself for the response he knows is going to come. Staying quiet is better, but he...
"An apology won't bring back the lives you took," Obi-Wan replies. "Nothing is."
His heart feels rubbed raw, empty, burning more often than not – he understands the physical feel just as well as the emotional one. He would have felt it in the future enough when Sidious had the med droids cut his chest open. It still hurts though, and he can't help it when he can't hold back his tears any longer. "I know. I know."
Obi-Wan approaches him, slowly. He seems uncertain, and Anakin isn't sure if he wants the proximity, either. He hasn't been touched in a long time, unless it's to inflict harm, and he can't handle that from Obi-Wan. Not his master. "Ahsoka is struggling," he answers finally, "I am to complete her training, and she is making progress, but her attachment holds her back."
He doesn't know what to say to that. They told him that, but he didn't want to believe it, because Ahsoka was always so strong, and if she's struggling, it's because of him. It's because he should've been there to take care of her, and he didn't.
"What about – everyone else?" Anakin inquires. It doesn't feel like he deserves to know this, but he can't help asking. "I imagine they are... better without me."
"I have not spoken with Senator Amidala recently, if that is what you mean," Obi-Wan replies.
He killed her. He doesn't deserve to know that. Except really, all he's doing is delaying the inevitable. He can't deny the very dark part of his mind wondering if Obi-Wan is really here to... see or if it's something else. He's too scared to ask though. He doesn't want to speed it up, and Obi-Wan isn't hurting him right now. Not... yet. He feels unsteady on his feet, but he doesn't dare try to sit down. Moving like that hurts.
"What are you so afraid of?" Obi-Wan inquires finally.
Anakin tenses; he can't help it. Either his master is asking because he's genuinely curious, or this is about to get... bad. He wipes his face off on his sleeve to buy a moment of time to gather his scrambled thoughts. "I know what I deserve," he answers carefully – he should just stop talking, because for all he knows, this could get worse, "I know I deserve it, but I can't live with it forever. This – it – hurts too much. I don't want to do this anymore."
It feels pathetic to cry over something like this when he knows full well the extent of the destruction he caused the galaxy. There's nothing in the galaxy he loathes more than himself, and it's only getting worse – it has since he came here, and it feels like that's all he ever can do anymore. Hate.
Obi-Wan frowns. "What about this is so hard?"
He doesn't seem like he knows, but it's hard to say. "It's – I – being... alone. And what they do." Sometimes being all alone here, except them, feels worse than the pain. He's had no human contact except them since – How long has it been, anyway?
"What they do?" Obi-Wan repeats.
"They –" He doesn't know how to say this. He doesn't even know if Obi-Wan will care. "They hurt me."
His frown grows. "How?" he asks. "They're only here to ensure you don't escape."
Anakin doesn't know how to say this, even. And they implied the Council told them to do it. Maybe he's right that Obi-Wan didn't know, though he still doesn't what he'll say about it. (If he'll ever get out of here. Not like he even deserves to.) "They said the Council told them to – to do it. As punishment."
Obi-Wan's presence stills, and he haltingly takes another step forwards. "What are they doing?" he asks, sounding slightly wary.
He doesn't know. He doesn't know, and there's nothing Anakin could ask for more than that, and that in and of itself is enough to make him cry. He was so afraid that... but he should have known better because the Jedi aren't cruel. Not like him. Only he has no idea how to explain this. "They hurt me," he repeats, haltingly, "I know I... deserve it, but it's... hard."
Obi-Wan is staring at him, expression disbelieving. "They're Jedi."
"I suspect, but I don't know. I think they're Fallen, Master."
Obi-Wan looks away briefly, visibly shaken. "How could we not have seen it?" he demands.
"They must have hidden it. I – I don't know. But I remember from... the future, some of them were Fallen."
Obi-Wan looks as though he has no idea how to react. He eyes him in silence for a few moments, almost searchingly, though for what, Anakin couldn't say. "I will speak with the Council about this immediately."
Unease twists inside him at the thought of being left in here longer. He doesn't know what they will do – assuming Obi-Wan's not lying about not knowing, but Anakin doesn't think his master could do something like that. He's always been a very bad liar. "I don't... know what they will do," he confesses quietly. He can't stay quiet about this, but he doesn't want to mention it, either, because this – it's his master's choice. Anakin can't ask him to do something if he doesn't want to. As is, he doesn't know if he's pushing too far.
He's willing to take almost any desperate measures at this point, though, if it will mean that the pain will stop. But he doesn't want to accidentally make it worse.
Please just get me out of here, he wants to beg, but he won't. I can't do this anymore. I can't, I can't, I can't –
"How could I know you wouldn't find a way out on the way back to Coruscant?" Obi-Wan demands tightly.
It's a fair enough point, and he fights back the urge to cry – it's pointless. It's not as if it would matter now any more than it has the past twenty-two years of his life. This isn't... his choice. He has no control over this. "I – I won't," Anakin protests, "I have nowhere to go."
"How can I know you're telling the truth?" Obi-Wan demands, and it's a fair question, though he has no idea how to answer it. All he does know is that it feels as though fear is swallowing him whole.
"I – I don't know." He hates being so scared, but there's almost nothing he doesn't hate, being trapped in here. It's maddening. And it's so, so lonely. He hardly remembers what it was like to be around other people and to not constantly fear being hurt. He doesn't know what will happen if Obi-Wan leaves and the Dark Siders realize what happened – he suspects they're watching this as it's happening. If Obi-Wan leaves him here now, he can't help wondering if they'd leave and take him with them and... He doesn't want to hurt anyone again. If he didn't care as much as he does, if he didn't fear himself so much, he would have broken out long ago.
He can't help flinching when Obi-Wan reaches for him – it's simply instinctive. It's been months since someone touched him other than to hurt him or clean up the mess they made. Except all he does is very lightly touch Anakin's shoulder. He doesn't know if it's more relieving or disconcerting. Obi-Wan was one of the ones who put him in this situation in the first place, after all.
Even if Anakin can't blame him.
(There was still a part of him that feared when he heard Obi-Wan was coming, that thought his master would... hurt him the same way the others had or maybe far worse, and for all that he can't imagine Obi-Wan doing something of that nature, he never would have dreamed of his master doing what he did on Mustafar either.)
"Then how can I take your word for it?" Obi-Wan asks.
All he wants to do is cry, and he has no idea how to answer that. What's he supposed to say? How can he answer that? "I don't know," he repeats again desperately, "I won't try to escape, but I can't –" He can't stay here. He can't. It's – it feels like his last hope to ever get out of here, and he knows he can't handle this anymore. Actually he 'couldn't handle it' long ago, but losing his last hope like this would...
Obi-Wan frowns slightly as he eyes him – Anakin is too keenly aware of the hand on his shoulder, a gesture he's not sure the intention of. "Are you injured right now?"
As if he's ever not been since he came. He gives a small, tentative nod, still not daring to meet Obi-Wan's gaze.
His master studies him, lips pressed together in a growing frown. "How bad is it?" Anakin can't tell if there's genuine concern there.
"I have... had worse," he answers, because it's the truth, though he's not certain how much he can move right now.
Obi-Wan sighs softly. Anakin suspects he doesn't know what to do, and he doesn't, either. Not that it would matter if he had an idea. "I will think about it," he replies finally, and Anakin tries to breath past his flare of fear and hopelessness. He doesn't know what that means. He doesn't know if his former master is even going to come back as he steps out of the cell, letting the door close behind him.
It leaves him alone again, so aching alone he thinks he might lose his mind from it long before the guards damage him enough to be nonfunctional. It feels like he's at the very edge of his breaking point, at the edge of losing his sanity and... something. He doesn't want to be here anymore. His only consolation is that he's alone when he finally breaks down and cries.
He has no idea if Obi-Wan is coming back.
**w**
Obi-Wan doesn't know what to think of any of this. He can't believe they couldn't have noticed the Jedi guards were Fallen. And he knows – even if he'd prefer to believe otherwise – that Vader can't be lying. He could feel and see his fear and desperation, and that's something Anakin has rarely ever shown. He can't remember the last time that happened – if ever.
Vader was obviously... not doing well. He could tell that with only a glance, though he would never have suspected something like this to be the reason. Anakin could always hide his pain well, so he doesn't know how bad it was, but it must have been serious for him to have mentioned it.
Masana Tide is waiting nearby when he steps out of the cell, and nothing of her expression betrays anything, but she seems maybe a little anxious, he doesn't know. But he can't look at any of them the same way right now. He's almost tempted to confront her about it, but that wouldn't end well, if they're really all Darksiders. And he needs to make sure before he figures out what to do, because he doesn't know if he'll have time to take it to the Council and back before it gets worse.
He needs to figure it out on his own, and... There's security footage of all the cells, isn't there? He can't imagine they'd be stupid enough to leave it, but he could try checking. If he could do it without them shadowing him the way they have been the whole time, which now that he thinks about it, is slightly weird.
"You're leaving now?" she asks, tone casual.
"Shortly," he replies, giving her an excuse about needing to check more security before he heads off.
He's not half as good with mechanics as Anakin was, but moments like these he wishes he was, because he needs to get into the security recordings, preferably without alerting them. He just needs to... make sure, though Obi-Wan already instinctively knows the truth. That doesn't mean he wants to think about it.
He already knows what he'll see, but he needs to know more. He doesn't have a choice, though, so he starts looking, forcing his tumultuous emotions behind a durasteel wall. They covered their tracks well, didn't they?
His heart is already pounding when he turns on the recording – it's of shortly before his arrival and starts jumping through the bit there is. They're definitely good at deleting and hiding information they don't want found, but someone was keeping... some of it, and if not for what he's seen Anakin do, he highly doubts he'd have been able to find it so fast.
He's feeling sick almost before he sees it, when the Fallen Jedi come in. He nearly flinches himself when he sees how sharply Vader flinches when they enter. Vader doesn't offer so much as the slightest objection when approach him. Anakin would have – should never have taken this in silence. He would have objected. The Anakin he knew would have had some sharp response that made his captors even angrier – it's simply how he was.
Vader doesn't.
He doesn't say anything. Not a word. Not when they force him to his knees – he complies as if he's done it a thousand times, not when they start whipping him. From the way his body jerks on impact, it's obviously deep.
And it feels like he can't breathe – how could Obi-Wan have been so oblivious to this? How could no one have seen it? It doesn't make sense. When Vader said hurt Obi-Wan had no idea he meant outright torture.
Even if it was heavily implied.
He should turn it off. Just turn it off and stop watching, but he feels oddly frozen, and he wants to know exactly what's happened that he was oblivious to.
And somehow the way Vader – Anakin – was acting makes so much more sense now. If he had to endure this constantly, it's no wonder he's as jittery as he is. How long has it been? Truthfully, Obi-Wan has lost track of time himself. It all blurred together in that Anakin was gone and that he was struggling to train Ahsoka while all he could think of was how badly he wanted Anakin back.
Why why why did he not think coming here sooner was a good idea?
He knows this isn't Anakin, but that doesn't make seeing it any less sickening. No matter of his own personal feelings, he knows wrong when he sees it. Even if he'd hurt Vader himself, he would never condone this.
He wants to turn off the recording so he can't say why he isn't, instead just sitting frozen as it finishes playing. There's more here, and some clearly insane part of his mind is tempted to go to them – if only because he ought to know what's happened here, because... because he never came sooner – but there's nothing to see. He knows what they're doing. Vader wasn't lying or exaggerating; if anything he was downplaying it.
There's no time to contact the Council. He can't leave Vader here, and maybe it's risky, but he doesn't think he'd try running. Vader's too submissive, and that's not a ploy.
Obi-Wan's anger is burning anyway, which is why he doesn't stop to think it through before going straight to where the Jedi guards are gathered, to confront them about it.
"I am well aware of what you've been doing here," Obi-Wan snaps, temper flaring as one of them makes a pathetic attempt at playing dumb.
"You know what he's done. He deserves it," one them counters darkly.
Maybe he can never forgive Vader for what would have happened at the Temple, but that doesn't condone any of this. The images of – of everything he saw in that holorecording, and of that panicked look in Vader's eyes when he was in the cell replay through his mind again, and –
"You are no better," Obi-Wan retaliates, and he's too angry to even start having this senseless argument with them. They belonged imprisoned. "You're Fallen, too, and you will be dealt with as such."
"Why are you defending him?" one of the others snaps disgustedly.
He doesn't remember the last time he was tempted to do something quite so violent. (Yes, he does. In his memories, probably on Mustafar, but he hastily shies away from any thoughts of all that right now.)
Obi-Wan draws his lightsaber, pointing it at them. "Surrender now, and the Council may consider dealing with you less harshly." Beyond what they were doing here, it's also disturbing how many Fallen Jedi there could be now. Are any of the others at the Temple Fallen too?
Predictably, no one surrenders. A couple of them run; the others promptly attack him. The fight is fast and furious, and along with help from the clones, they manage to detain a few, though the rest escape. He leaves the captured ones imprisoned at the Citadel for now, under clone watch. What happens to them will be up to the Council to decide.
**w**
He needs this to be over. To just – end. He struggles to calm himself, but it's so hard when he's drowning in depression. He struggles to remember what it felt like when Padme or Ahsoka or Obi-Wan touched him but it's all so distant now. When Obi-Wan touched him earlier, all he'd wanted to do was respond to it but he... can't. Obi-Wan obviously left him here alone for a reason, and Anakin won't ask him for something his master won't give.
That's not fair. Especially if it's something Anakin doesn't deserve anyway.
Everything still hurts from... earlier. He climbs slightly awkwardly onto his cot in an attempt at finding a comfortable position – it's not easy, because when his wounds are fresh, moving at all is hard.
And right now, they're still raw even if it's not bleeding. Anything short of holding completely still hurts, and he's not going to do that constantly. It would drive him crazier even more than the lack of sunlight and – and everything. He doesn't remember dozing off, but he jolts awake, heart pounding when the door slides open. It takes him a moment to sense that Obi-Wan is the one here, not someone else, so he doesn't need to worry. Or maybe he does, but Anakin senses something is... different. He doesn't know what, but he's still...
"Vader," Obi-Wan says, something the slightest bit softer in his voice.
It makes his heart twists sharply, painfully to hear that in his master's voice. Not Obi-Wan. He doesn't want Obi-Wan to call him that. He doesn't dare protest, though. "Yes, Master?" he asks quietly.
"Come," he says shortly, "I will take you back to Coruscant."
The sheer knowledge that he's getting out of here is nearly enough to make him cry, even if it doesn't mean that much, considering how he'll be locked up, anyway. "Thank you," he breathes, instantly starting to push himself up. Obi-Wan moves forwards, reaching out to steady him.
There's a sharpness in his presence, an ice that Anakin hadn't noticed before. He's not sure if this is new or not. He doesn't dare ask about it, though. "Is this normal?" Obi-Wan queries when he stands unsteadily.
"Fairly," is all he says.
"Is it bleeding?" Obi-Wan asks.
Anakin shakes his head.
They climb the stairs together, Anakin nearly pausing a few times with how hard it is to move. He stops to lean against the wall to steady himself briefly, knowing full well that under normal circumstances, they would shove him forwards again.
Obi-Wan just shifts uncomfortably next to him, finally lightly touching his arm. "You're safe now."
Anakin can only nod.
It feels entirely unreal as Obi-Wan leads him into the hangar. He hasn't been here since he came, and seeing ships again is...
It's freeing. He misses this. Nor does he know what to think about how his master cares enough to get him out of here.
"Do you want to fly?" Obi-Wan asks.
"... may I?" he asks carefully. He can't tell if this is meant as a trick or not. And how could he ever turn down that offer?
"You may," his master replies, "I will be here. I have no need to be concerned with you... leaving."
He doesn't dare tell Obi-Wan how badly the flight makes him wish for the days when they were younger, and everything was simple. In some ways, this hurts nearly as bad.
"You seem... lighter," Obi-Wan remarks as they make the trip through the atmosphere. "Lighter than when you left."
"Am I?" What else is he supposed to say?
"Dim, but not dark," is his answer, "I don't understand it."
"I don't want to be dark," he blurts out. "I just... I don't know how to stop it."
"I don't know what I could tell you," he replies, "You know as well as I do there is no way back." Anakin can sense how his master is on edge, ready and prepared for things to go... downhill. He's on the lookout for something, and Anakin can't blame him for it. He doesn't trust himself, either. "And if you don't want to be dark, why are you?"
"The Dark Side feeds off pain and fear. Sometimes I think that is all I have ever known."
"That's not true," Obi-Wan replies with enough vehemence that Anakin nearly winces. "Anakin, as I knew him, was Light."
"Was I?" Anakin asks quietly, "I know I tried to be, but I don't know. I know what I'm capable of. It – I'm sorry, Master." He should stop talking. Talking is... bad. Most of the time. And Obi-Wan never listens to him, anyway. He tries to refocus on flying instead of talking. Or thinking, preferably.
It's not until after they've made the jump to hyperspace that Obi-Wan finally turns to him. "I have adequate supplies here to treat you."
That has never been a pleasant process either, but Obi-Wan isn't taking him back to hurt him even more. He wouldn't do that. He's not... cruel. Anakin doesn't want to move now that he's sitting down, because sitting hurts and standing up to sit back down will be even worse than that, but he nods automatically. It's all he knows, anyway.
He doesn't know how to make sense of the tumultuous emotions he feels from his master – horror and anger and longing being most prominent. Maybe he wants what they once were as much as Anakin does, but it doesn't really matter, because it was just a lie. Like everything else.
"Just – get it over with," he requests when his master hesitates, just hovering when after they go into the cabin where the medical supplies are. He's had far too many bad experiences with this in the past.
"Of course," Obi-Wan says, blinking himself out of whatever it was he got stuck in.
This feels frustratingly awkward no matter how normal it's been with them. They always take care of one another's injuries, no matter how bad or minor they are. It's simply how they are. He loathes how jittery the proximity is making him, how scared. No matter how frequently he reminds himself that Obi-Wan would never hurt him, all he can remember is Mustafar. He still remembers the searing agony and heat and – and everything even if he never truly lived through it. It was only a vision. A dream. It wasn't real, but that makes it no less impactful.
He thought Obi-Wan was better than that. He thought all the Jedi were better than this.
Obi-Wan inhales sharply when he sees it – Anakin doesn't really know what it must look like. It's... himself, and he's so used to it. Obi-Wan is looking at... the brand mark on his chest. The one Anakin has always tried pointedly to never, ever look at, because it hurts so much to think about.
"Anakin," he breathes, and Anakin looks away, unable to meet his master's gaze. He's not looking anywhere, really, just – somewhere. Away. He remembers that, even if it's been covered with many layers of scars since.
**w**
"I'm sorry," Anakin says quietly, even if he knows it's pointless. He knows – remembers what he's done to these people and so many others, and there's nothing in the galaxy he loathes more than himself. He wishes he could make it right, but even with a chance to reverse time and go back... before, it won't change what he is. A monster.
"Do you think that is enough?" the former padawan snaps. Anakin remembers having fought him on Mon Cala. It's distant, but still.
"No. But I am."
"Do you think that will make it stop?" the former-Ninth Sister demands, "You're a monster. You will be treated as one."
It's only been – he thinks a week since this started beyond... talking, at least he thinks so, but that doesn't stop the spike of anxiety when one of the others he doesn't remember moves closer. Anakin stands his ground, anyway, even if it's that fire that he fears most – it's why he ended up in this place from the start. It's what lead to so much death.
The would-have-been Inquisitor roughly shoves him to his knees. "You will never forget your place again, little Sith," duck-lady quacks, smiling evilly. He can see the darkness glinting in her eyes, can feel the way the Dark Side is burning, calling. It wants pain, and they're giving it his. He deserves that for what he did to them – to everyone.
The grip on him is tight, too tight for him to start pulling away. It's tight enough to bruise, and she roughly twists his arms behind his back. It stings, but it's not half as bad as he's used to. He's more frightened of whatever in the galaxy they decide to do next.
He wishes he'd taken it more seriously. He doesn't panic until he realizes what they're about to do. That happened to slaves on Tatooine, sometimes, he remembers. But – but to have a constant, irremovable reminder of what he is? Of how he joined Sidious and – and – "No," he protests, eyes widening. "Not this. Please." He lashes out with the Force instinctively, shoving them back. He knows lashing out is a bad idea. He knows it only makes captors angrier, but he can't – he can't –
"Did that make you stop hurting anyone?" duck-lady snaps back, "Why do you think you deserve any different?"
Crying is stupid and pointless and shameful, but he can't help it. "You're Jedi. Why are you doing this?"
"The Council doesn't care what happens to you," one of the others replies, "Not so long as you're not a problem. And you'll learn some of what you did to so many others."
"Do you think I don't already know?" he demands, "That I wouldn't undo it all if I could? That I – I –"
"Nothing will change what you did," the former-padawan replies sharply. "You're a monster."
"And monsters aren't given mercy when they don't grant it to others," duck lady says, moving closer again. He looks away, heart hammering wildly as she approaches him, standing right in front of him.
"I can't live with that," he protests again, pleadingly. He knows they won't listen, but he can't – can't –
"Watch," she orders, gleefully, grabbing a handful of his hair and jerking his head upwards to watch as they burn the Sith symbol into his skin, right over his heart, and all he can think of is burning like he was on Mustafar and the droids cutting his chest open right afterwards. His vision is blurred with the tears running down his cheeks.
"Maybe you should have thought about it before joining Sidious," one of the still-unnamed ones says.
He lands face-first on the floor when they finally let him go, panting, gasping. He doesn't know how long it took for him to finally move from that position, the memories still burning in his mind.
**w**
Obi-Wan doesn't mean to stare. It's just hard to look away from. Every moment it feels like he's underestimating how horrific this was.
Anakin twitches, crossing his arms to hide it self-consciously.
He doesn't even want to know how that happened, not as if there's much to say, anyway. Instead, he lays his hand on Anakin's shoulder briefly, squeezing it in a momentary gesture of comfort, before getting to work.
And trying to pretend this is just another mission that went very, very badly instead of how Obi-Wan abandoned him somewhere all alone for months because he didn't want to deal with the emotions of seeing him again.
He swallows that down as he gets to work, because trying to help Anakin now is the most that he can do to make up for what was lost.
"Why did you save me?" Anakin asks softly when Obi-Wan finally enters his line of view again. He's still staring down at the floor, and Obi-Wan can't help suspecting it'll take him a long, long time to break that habit.
His heart clenches painfully to see Anakin looking like this. Lightly, he raises a hand and presses it to the boy's cheek. "You were a prisoner. They broke everything the Jedi stand for by hurting you."
Anakin leans into his touch almost immediately, eyes slipping shut. "Thank you," he breathes, "Thank you – Master."
And maybe it's just that there's a part of him – all of him, actually, that just wants Anakin back. He doesn't know how to deal with one so broken and traumatized, but he's Anakin, and that's what counts for it. But there is one more thing that confuses him. "I haven't felt you draw on the Force once."
Anakin stills. "I... I couldn't," he answers slowly, "It would... make them angry. And I didn't want to walk that path. I know what I am but I – I – don't want it."
There are many things he could ask, but he won't, because he doesn't know where to start. "We missed you," he says instead.
"I was waiting," Anakin replies, "Waiting for you."
He wishes he'd come sooner but wishing won't change the past. Instead, all he can do is move closer, pulling Anakin against him as gently as he can. Anakin settles against him immediately, even if Obi-Wan suspects it hurts. Likely, he misses contact too much for it to matter. Anakin's hands twist tightly in Obi-Wan's robe, and Obi-Wan tightens his grip as much as he can without hurting him. It's been so long, something aches in him almost physically at being with Anakin again – having him here, in his arms.
That's when he hears beeping from the cockpit. Reluctantly, he disentangles them and heads inside. It's Master Windu. "Where have you been?" he demands, sounding none too happy.
"It's... a long story."
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