Hi everyone! This is my second Meredith/Derek fan fiction. I had this idea this summer and I decided to use it for a story…..I really want to know what you think, if it worth writing, so reviews, please!
P.S. (I'm sorry if there's some mistake…I'm Italian, not English!)
A reason to live
Chapter 1: Life is strange
Meredith Grey have had bad days….a lot of bad days, actually.
There was the one when she discovered her mom had Alzheimer, the one when Addison Shepherd showed up ruining her life, the one when Derek didn't choose her and decided to try with his wife, the one when she met her father's new family…..the one when Derek called her a whore was pretty awful too. Those days she had cried, she had been very sad and broken. But she had never wished she hadn't been born…..at least until that night.
That night Meredith was hating herself so badly…..it was exclusively her fault if the man she loved more than life itself could die. She really wished she hadn't been born.
-Meredith? Meredith you should go home-
She lifted her head and saw Cristina who was looking at her concerned. This was so not Cristina: every time she was miserable Cristina had never looked at her with pity or something like that, she had always told her she wasn't the only one with problems and she had to move on. But now she was looking at her in a completely new way: she was worried, Cristina Yang was actually worried for her and wasn't try to hide it. This meant she really had to look like crap…..a completely mess.
- I don't want to go home, it's the last thing I want to do, actually- she finally answered to her friend. Her voice was barely audible and it sounded so broken…..Cristina sighed and sat down next to her.
- You still have your prom dress on and your face is dirty because of the mascara. I've never seen you so tired. You have to go home- she tried to convince her.
- No, I can't, I have to be here…..if he wakes up…..I have to be here-
- Ok, if you want to stay then stay. I'll call George and I'll ask him to bring you some clothes-
- It's not necessary-
- He has to come anyway, Meredith. He had to work……we all have to work here, you too. It could help you to distract yourself-
- I don't want to distract myself! I'm the reason Derek could die, I just…..I just want him to wake up. He's going to wake up, right?-
Cristina didn't know what to say. She wasn't the kind of doctor who choose not to tell the entirely truth to make people feel better. She always said the truth, no matter how horrible this truth could be. But now everything was different: Burke was really hurt and she felt anything but cold. Then there had been Danny's death and now Derek…..plus, now she wasn't talking to a patient's relative, but to Meredith, her very broken best friend. She couldn't tell her that she thought the love of her life could never wake up again. So she chose to change the subject.
- Tell me what's happened-
- What?-
- I was thinking I don't know what has exactly happened. Do you want to tell me?-
Meredith didn't seem so sure
- C'mon, Meredith, it could help you-
Meredith nodded – Ok-
- Ok, tell me, I'm listening-
Meredith sighed – I….Derek and I…we had sex tonight-
- What?- asked Cristina, her voice louder than she have intended.
- Yeah, you understood well, you don't need yelling-
- Sorry. Go on-
- We didn't mean to…..but we had a fight and he said things which made me feel…. I don't know….and he kept looking at me, so it's just happened-
- Meredith, calm down. You don't have to explain, not to me anyway-
- Ok. So we had…you know, we had sex….really great sex. And then Danny died and Finn wanted to take me home, but I didn't know what to do, if talking with Derek or going home with Finn. I was just standing there like an idiot-
- So, what's happened next?-
FLASHBACK
- Meredith?-
- Meredith?-
That had to be a nightmare, definitely. She refused to think that was reality……her life was already so complicated, how could have she been so stupid and sleeping with a married man? With Derek…..the Derek who had broken her and called her a whore……She should have thought of those things before doing what she had done. Instead she had thought that she loved him how she had never loved anyone in her all life and she wanted to be with him, despite all the crap he had put her trough. She had kissed him back, she had let him touch her….she had wished that moment was endless. But unfortunately the end had come and now she had to choose. She didn't know how, but she had to.
- Meredith, what's going on?- asked Finn, a look of disbelieve on his face.
- Meredith, we need to talk- said Derek.
Oh, God…
- I have to go home- was all she managed to say.
- Yeah, I told you I'll take you home- said Finn
- No, I need to go home alone-
- Why?- Finn was getting agitated.
Derek leaned to her – Meredith, please, talk to me. You can't just go home after what's happened tonight-
- Meredith, what is he talking about? - asked Finn.
- Finn, I'll call you tomorrow, I promise, but now I need to be alone, ok?-
Finn didn't seem all that happy, but he nodded.
Without saying anything to Derek, Meredith turned and walked away.
- Meredith!- he called and tried to go after her, but Finn stopped him.
- She said she wants to be alone-
- I heard- said Derek giving him a killer look…..he wanted to punch him so much, but he couldn't: Meredith would have gotten angry and that was the last thing he wanted. So he decided to ignore him and go after Meredith.
- You have to let her alone, man. You're married and I can make her happy- said Finn while he was going away, but Derek didn't even turned around to reply, he just kept walking…..the only thing he was concerned about was Meredith.
He was lucky: she hadn't gone home again, she was sitting on a bench outside the hospital.
He watched her for a moment: she looked so little and damaged, but she was still so beautiful.
- Meredith- he said putting an hand on her shoulder.
She shivered, he could tell that. – You're shivering, Mer- he said.
She didn't looked up at him…she couldn't bare his gaze, not right now. Derek sat down next to her and put his jacket on her shoulder. – You could get sick, it's cold-
Meredith finally looked at him…..she could smell his scent and feel his warmth in his jacket….the remember of what they have done was still so vivid and he was so close….she knew if she kept staying there with him she would do something wrong again and she didn't want that.
- Yu know, Derek…I'm not shivering for the cold……I'm shivering because of you- she said before getting up and walking away.
Of course Derek followed her – Meredith!-
- You know what? You have to stop this…..quit following me!- she said without stop walking.
- I can't!- he stopped her – I can't- he repeated.
- Derek…let me go-
- No, we have to talk about tonight-
- There's nothing to talking about-
- Nothing? You call it nothing? Meredith what we did tonight was anything but nothing!-
- What we did was totally wrong! You have a wife, you remember that? You chose her over me, you broke my heart after I told you how much I loved you, and now you tell me she isn't the one who drive you crazy? No Derek, I'm sorry, you can't do this. I'm with Finn now, he's the perfect guy and I'm going to be with him-
Derek wanted to yell…..he felt he was losing her, and he couldn't let it happen.
- So why did you make love with me? Why if you're so happy with that Finn?-
He couldn't ask her that, he just couldn't…..she didn't know what to say.
- I've been weak…I'm sorry, I didn't mean to…-
- Are you trying to tell me it was just a mistake?-
Meredith kept staring her feet…..how she had to answer to that question? She couldn't tell him the truth, but she didn't want to lie neither.
- Derek, please…-
- Meredith- he lifted her chin – Look into my eyes and tell me it was just a mistake, tell me it didn't mean anything to you and I swear I'll let you alone, I'll let you live your life with Finn. But before doing this, I need you to tell me it's what you really want.-
She felt her eyes getting fill with tears…..she couldn't do it, she couldn't look into his eyes and lie. What she really wanted was being with him, but she couldn't…..he was married, he had broken her…there was too much damage.
- Meredith?- he whispered
- I'm sorry- she said and ran away.
Derek sighed…..he had to let her alone, at least for that night. But while he was thinking of that, he noticed Meredith falling in the middle of the street, while a car was running fast towards her.
- Meredith!- he yelled with the horror in his voice.
Meredith didn't have the time to realize what was happening, she just felt someone grabbing her and pulling her away from where she was. Then she heard a long beep and the noise of a crash. She lifted her head and saw the car running away. She had a strange feeling…..she immediately started looking for who had saved her and she saw him: Derek was lying in the street, unconscious, dirty and most important, he was losing blood.
Meredith yelled like she had never did in her all life, and ran towards him.
- Derek! Oh my God, Derek!- she said kneeling next to him. He didn't give any sign of life, his breath was difficult.
- Derek, please! You can't do this to me! Derek!- she said between tears. She was a doctor, she should have known what to do, but she just felt paralyzed.
- What the hell is going on here?- asked Bailey running towards them with Webber and two nurses: Meredith's yells had been heard from who where in the hall of the hospital.
- What's happened, Grey?-
Meredith seemed to have forgotten how to speak.
- Grey! Meredith!-
END FLASHBACK
Meredith quitted talking….the remember of Derek lying there, lifeless, made her sick. She started sobbing violently.
- Meredith…- Cristina was uncomfortable in situation like that. She didn't know how to act.
- I'm sorry, but I can't help it- said Meredith.
- It's ok- said Cristina and put her hand on Meredith's shoulder. That was all she was able to do…she wasn't into the whole hug thing.
- He saved my life, Cristina…..he saved me and now he could die. How could I keep living if he's not? How could I? And how could have he been so stupid to think I would want to live without him?- Meredith said trying to pull away her tears with her hands.
- Meredith, are you mad at him? How can you be mad at him now?-
- He's a jerk! He should have let me die-
- Are you crazy? Stop saying these things or I'm going to kick your ass!-
- Cristina…-
- No, Meredith, I'm deadly serious! You don't have to think you should have died, you don't! If Derek heard you, he would be furious and this time I would be on his side! He saved your life, Meredith, he did it for a reason….he cares about you, he's an asshole, ok, you know I don't like him that much, but despite everything, he cares about you. He wouldn't want to listen to you talking like this-
Meredith looked at Cristina speechless: she had never defended Derek, it seemed so awkward…..but she was right.
- I'm sorry, Cristina….it's just a bad time-
- Why don't you go to him?- Cristina asked
- Addison is with him.
Addison…..Cristina have almost forgotten her.
. I have to go now….can I let you alone?-
- Sure-
- Fine….I'll see you later- she stood up and give a glance in the direction of Meredith before going away.
Meredith felt she was getting crazy: she needed him to wale up and tell her everything's going to be ok. She wanted to hear his voice, watch his beautiful blue eyes, feel his warmth…..she suddenly realized she hadn't Derek's jacket on anymore: she had to lose it when….she didn't want to think of that moment again. She went outside the hospital looking for it and she found it easily. She put it on and felt immediately Derek on her skin…..few hours earlier they were making love and now he could die. Life was so strange….so unfair.
She sat down the same bench where she was sitting with Derek earlier and started to cry.
