Chapter 11

welcome back lovely humansss
gosh it is unbelievably cold right now and i swear writing this somehow made me colder. again, unbelievable. *huffs*
also can you believe it's already december? i'm proud to say back to december has been on repeat ever since the month started. so like one day.

anyway, hope you enjoy chapter 11 :)


The lights were off at the Black's house but the door creaked open at first try. A gloomy silence greeted her, a welcome exchange from the bustling atmosphere she had just left. The sofas were left empty, no flames crackled in the fireplace like usual. A lone sock lay strewn on the floor, a half eaten apple on the table.

Bella decided she must be too late—the house was deserted.

She turned around, picking up her coat and wondering how she would make it up to Emily and everyone else counting on her when she heard a door slam shut upstairs. Oh. Phew.

She slowly took a step back inside, not wanting to take Jacob by surprise. But wasn't that the whole point of the party anyway? She supposed.

"Jake?" Bella called up the stairs.

No answer.

"Jake?" she tried again.

Then there he was, shrugging on his jacket at the top of the stairwell. He looked down at her, hair glinting in the light of the single bulb above him.

Beautifulbeautifulbeautifulwhyishesobeautiful-

Bella had to blink away before any more unfiltered thoughts slipped into her mind.

Snap out of it. Now.

"Bella? What're you doing here?"

"It's your birthday…?" Bella replied awkwardly. Darn it, I should've thought of a proper excuse on the way over here, she thought, instantly regretting ending the sentence like that. The lingering question still hung in the air. Of course it's his birthday. Now I sound like a fool.

"I know… I was just about to head over to Emily's. Is something wrong?"

"No…" she began.

She was next to him then, and she didn't know how she had gotten there so quickly. She had only just began to gather her thoughts when suddenly her arms were around his waist, her cheek on his shoulder.

"Happy Birthday," she half-whispered against the rough linen of his shirt.

It took only a second for him to respond. He dropped the jacket on the ground and pulled her closer, his huge arms holding her, the heat of his body seeping through her thin sweater.

And to her surprise, her mind didn't cloud with a foggy blur of emptiness.

No agonizing memories resurfaced.

She wasn't filled with stifling fear, or regret.

Her senses had never felt more alive, and they picked up everything. And at that moment Bella felt everything. She felt the hot skin of his cheek on the side of her face, his hands tenderly caressing her back, the outline of his firm body pressed against hers. As her neck snuggled into the hollow base of his own— and she reveled at how perfectly they fit— she remembered something. Curvy swan's neck. Jacob the swan. Jacob Swan. She had to suppress the rising giggle, growing acutely aware of his arms behind her. His fingers were traveling, now delicately trailing over her shoulder blades, leaving sparks dancing across her skin in their wake. She shivered, slightly indignant. He didn't get to affect her this much. It wasn't fair.

They remained wordless, standing there soaking up the feeling of each other.

Then he was whispering something in her ear, voice hoarse and filled with emotion, feathery breath tickling her throat as he exhaled heavily. She didn't hear a word, her brain humming loudly in happiness. She slowly laid her head against his broad chest, listening to the steady pounding of his heart. The whisper in her head matched the rhythm of his heartbeat.

Thud. Thud. Thud.

Jacob. Jacob. Jacob.

Then with the addition of a word, her chant got thrown offbeat.

My Jacob? My Jacob.

She hardly noticed when he angled his head closer to her face, too busy testing out the new phrase then fighting to keep her mind controlled. Her conscious pricked her, a painful reminder.

Just friends. Just friends Jacob.

But friends didn't feel like this. And he felt so damn good.

Then,

To hell with 'friends'.

And to her surprise, she didn't push the thought away. She didn't want to. What she wanted was to be here, closer to him than ever before. Silent. With him. This was bliss.

Sink. Bella wanted to sink into his touch, to completely and utterly wallow in his warmth. She couldn't, though, for obvious reasons. The closest she could come to that was cupping his face and yelling at him what her mind screamed but she couldn't say out loud. But she couldn't do that either, she knew, and she had to drown that thought out. She had to be content to just be like this. Next to him.

Spurred on by the thrill of it all, Bella eased her hand up the broad length of his back, all her unhinged thoughts finally released to run wild. Under her touch, the smooth ripples of muscle tensed then relaxed beneath his shirt as she ran her hands up his form. It drove her crazy, only partially satisfied at the slight reaction. This was new and she loved it, clutching him to herself tighter than she thought possible.

Mike, you idiotic genius.

Her feet ached, and it was only then she realized she had been standing on tiptoe the entire time.

Having finished murmuring whatever he had to say into her ears, his face was next to hers, his lips only just airily brushing across her cheek. Heading dangerously close to her jaw, they parted from their mark as she set herself down with a jolt and landed squarely on her heels. There came sharp intake of breath as Jacob turned his head away.

Still in his arms with the extra inch of height safely gone, Bella looked up at him, meeting the eyes which had formed narrow slits brimming with unspoken emotions. She suddenly found herself overwhelmed.

"You know," she slurred, struggling to form a sentence. "You're like your own personal sun. So...warm."

With the words heavy on her tongue, they came out in a weak mumble. She didn't know what she was saying, but she really didn't care. He most definitely didn't seem to either, sighing quietly in response. Not a sigh of disappointment, nor exhaustion. Just relief. Pure relief. From what? Who knew.

They stood there for what seemed like hours, Bella's silent gratitude for the past few months speaking volumes until she began to feel like she was melting, quite literally.

"Jake, you're burning up." She pulled away, touching her hand to his feverish forehead.

He shook his head. "I'm fine."

But for her, the moment had quickly turned sour and now she could barely think even though a million thoughts were cramming into her mind, pushing and shoving and yelling and fighting.

All of him, his careful hands, the soft gaze with which he always looked at her, the care he had for her, surrounded her now. It had filled the entirety of her mind for these past few months, and she had hated the idea. During school, doing chores, trying to go to sleep. He was all she could think about and have complete and utter peace remembering, and she despised him for it.

Until now.

A hug, sure. Whatever. That was least of her concerns right now. What scared her was this, her own reaction to something that should be normal between friends. Which is, she reminded herself, what they still were, no matter what her overjoyed mind had decided minutes ago. Officially, at least. She gritted her teeth, steeling herself against the onslaught of thoughts. Why did she have to mess with his back? Why did she have to like it, too? She didn't regret it, not one bit, but she was still appalled at her behavior nonetheless. In her opinion, she'd acted far too out of line. And they couldn't afford to blur any more lines. She could only hope miserably that he didn't notice the chaos going on in her head. He couldn't ever know she'd been thinking of him so much. If he figured out the reason why she'd been obsessing over him these past few weeks, why she refused to let herself even wonder why thinking about him bothered her so much...well, Bella didn't quite know what would happen.

Now she had to hope he didn't take all of this as more. Was she taking it as more? Maybe.

But friends don't explore each other's backs like a candy shop.

Besides, what if I want it to be more?

The answer came immediately. You don't.

It was all one huge complicated mess.

Conflicted, Bella slipped out of his arms, nervously chewing the bottom of her lip. "We should go," she mumbled, walking to the stairs with her face bright and hot, trying to ignore the way Jacob's arms dropped limply to his side as he watched her go. She wanted nothing more than to run back, tell him to screw the party and just hold her. But she couldn't trust herself right now.

Before she could stop herself, she took a risk and glanced back at him.

Seeing her face, Jake started to say something, but she turned her back on him, heading to the banister.

"They'll begin to wonder where we are," she called over her shoulder.

...

On the way back Bella walked briskly, purposely putting several meters between her and Jacob. She could only hope that the space would chill any remaining tension, although she was well aware all of the 'tension' she was feeling was nowhere but inside her own head. She wanted to shove any further thoughts out of her mind, but she also so desperately wanted to know what he was thinking. Then again, if he suspected the extreme way her brain processed things, he would question why she got so affected by a hug. She must be really messed up. And she was sure her reaction was making it worse.

Assuming, that is, he thought nothing of it himself. Yeah, she reassured herself, I bet Jacob gets hugs all the time. It wasn't as if he pushed her away, or shrank from her touch. Not at all.

You also think he drags his mouth across Quil's face like that too, huh, Bella?

Maybe not. But,

It was just a hug, she consoled herself. It shouldn't change anything. Just one hug. For his birthday. Yes. That was my birthday present to Jake.

She purposely shoved thoughts of anything else out of her mind, imagining a little wastepaper basket that she crumpled the memory into.

But she couldn't give him the tiny model motorcycle she had dropped into her pocket on the way out the door anymore. For some strange reason, she couldn't even look at him.


hmm looks like bella's got a lot of stuff to work through now *says happily as the one who put her through all this*
you'll be glad to know imma finally stop nagging for reviews on like every update but a huge THANK YOU to everyone who have already commented, you're all amazing and i appreciate you so muchh