Author's Notes: Whee, it's the finale! Well, sorry about taking so long to actually get this out, but I... er... just started college, y'know? Trying to get used to a new environment and not having all my pleasant little places to curl up in and write anymmore. Ah well, I'll get back into the groove of things eventually.

Bwah! It's the final chapter! You don't need to hear my excuse, you need to see the chapter! Read, enjoy, and review! (third step mandatory)

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The small blue car puttered along the streets of Tokyo, definitely having a destination, although certainly taking its time about getting to said destination.

"Why're we going so slow?" asked Yukari. "This is the climax! The final, stunning revelation! This is the extremely dramatic, totally hot-blooded part! We should be burning so much rubber that we outdo the American planes!"

Upon hearing the last exclamation, Minamo turned towards Yukari and gaped, not daring to breathe.

"What, is it too soon to joke about that?"

"Much too soon."

"Oh. Still, why're we going so slowly?"

"We're going slowly because we've got to make sure that we've got all of our information straight. We're already going to surprise Kimura by visiting him unannounced, so we might as well be absolutely ready for all possibilities. Consolidate our evidence, y'know?"

"Oh! If we've got to waste a bit of time anyway, can we stop by my house and snag an outfit? It'll make even Kimura's wife hard gay for me."

"No. You're not dressing up in anything ridiculous, firstly because you will invariably force me to dress up in something just as ridiculous. Secondly, we have to present a serious, mature front to Kimura here. Thirdly, exactly how would it help for Kimura's wife to be gay for you?"

"Well, y'know, she c… er… hey, what's all this about evidence again?"

"Yeah, yeah. Okay, we've got a lot of information, so let's start sifting through it. We know th-"

"What? Why are you doing the evidence recap? You probably couldn't discern evidence from forgeries, being a silly gym teacher an' all."

"…" In your case, Yukari, evidence and forgeries are more or less one and the same.

"That's what I thought. Anyway, here's what we've got…"

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The small blue car puttered up to Kimura's neighborhood, parking a short distance away so as to not arouse any attention from the occupants of the household.

"Y'ready Nyamo? We're here."

"Did we really have to park that far away, Yukari? We're going to confront him anyway, how does it help for him to not know we're coming if we're just going to announce it anyway?"

"Eh? Who said we were going to announce it? We're gonna sneak in there, y'know? That's why I brought this cardboard box!"

"What?"

"Okay, let me explain this to you."

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Inside the Kimura residence, the doorbell rings politely. Mai Kimura, being the dedicated housewife that she is, runs over to the door hastily. Mr. Kimura sits in the room with Nanako, perhaps enjoying an entirely pleasant afternoon.

Mai reaches the door and opens it, smiling and ready to greet the visitor. She is entirely surprised to see nobody there, and glances around a few times, trying to find any would-be pranksters. She looks down to her feet and notices something.

"!"

"Just a box…" she mutters to herself. With that, she turns around, longing to join her loving family. She lets the door swing shut, and we reach our legs out from below the box, blocking the door and stealthily getting into the household."

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As Yukari finished, a loud burst of laughter broke Minamo's stunned silence. "Wahahaha!"

"Hey, the plan's not that bad, Nyamo!"

"That wasn't me, although I was definitely thinking that."

"Who was that?"

"Sounded kind of like Osaka."

"Ehehehe, no, no, hah, it's not any Osakan nyoron, it's just me!" announced the seemingly familiar voice.

A girl with long green hair and a charming smile stepped out of the bushes, smiling at the two teachers.

"Who… are you?" asked Minamo.

"Hehe, I suppose I should introduce myself, yeah? I'm Tsuruya, hehe. By the way, lady, that plan is megas good, you know!"

Minamo stared at her. Megas?

"See Nyamo? She thinks it's an excellent plan."

"Do you even know who she is?"

"Tsuruya-san, of course." Yukari answered, not missing a beat.

"…she doesn't even have a first name in your mind, does she?"

Tsuruya stared at Minamo, still grinning. "It's just a name, nyoron" With that, she launched into another bout of uproarious laughter.

I'm… hopelessly outnumbered here. "Tsuruya-san, why are you here?"

The green-haired girl paused and tried to catch her breath, then flipped her ankle-length hair dramatically. After doing so, she started to laugh uncontrollably, but between bursts of giggling, she managed to spit out a somewhat coherent message. "Aha! Mikuru told me that Haruhi said that the SOS Brigade got a call from someone who sounded exactly like me asking them to help investigate this household and the person living inside it. So, y'know, I figured that if I thought something was important enough that I'd ask the SOS Brigade for help on it, it must really be megas important. Naturally, I went to go investigate it myself."

"Erm… well… that's nice and all, Tsuruya-san, but we're also investigating this person. Did you find anything interesting?"

"Not in the slightest, nyoron."

"Mmh. Oh well, thank you for your help. You can go home now, don't worry about it."

"Hup! No problem, y'know! Tell me to call the SOS Brigade for me if I ever need help!" With that, she wandered off down the sidewalk, still laughing.

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"Weird girl, eh Yukari?"

"I kind of liked her, nyoron."

"Don't do that."

"Okay, anyway, let's get ourselves into Kimura's household, yeah?"

"Yeah, yeah, let's go," replied Minamo, starting to trudge up the sidewalk towards the front door. She recoiled in surprise when Yukari dashed past her, screaming. "What are you doing, Yukari?"

The English teacher didn't seem to hear her, and continued to run towards the door. "ADUN TORIDAS!" shouted Yukari, striking the door solidly with a kick.

One second later, she was sprawled on the ground, tending to her foot. Eight seconds later, Minamo caught up to Yukari. "Why did you do that?" she asked.

"MY LEG FOR AIUR!"

"…"

Mai Kimura opened the door at this point, thirteen seconds after the initial impact. "Aha, it's you two again! Come in, come in, Masaaki is actually home right now! Unfortunately, Nanako is not home at the moment. She's at a friend's sleepover." Without waiting for a reply, Mrs. Kimura turned around and started back towards the living room.

"That's nice to hear, Mai. Thank you for inviting us in. C'mon, Yukari."

"My leeeeg."

"That's entirely your fault. Get up."

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"Aha! Miss Tanizaki, Miss Kurosawa! What a feast for the eyes!" shouted Kimura, sitting in an armchair, staring at the two women as they walked in. Mai Kimura took her place in a chair next to her husband. If the forwardness of his statement and its content bothered her at all, she did not allow it to show.

Minamo smiled at the couple politely. "Good afternoon, Mr. Kimura. Good afternoon, Mai." Yukari fought back tears and hobbled over to the couch, not saying anything. Minamo took her seat next to the English teacher.

Kimura looked at his colleagues, smiling wanly."Ah, so you've already met mai waifu, Ms. Kurosawa?"

That… pun… so… painful… aah… "Yes, we've met. It's nice to get to know people, yes?"

"I agree wholeheartedly! Getting to know people is one of the highest pursuits of mankind! It is the foundation for society! As such, Miss Kurosawa, I think that we should get to know each other better," suggested Kimura, managing to still sound somewhat lecherous.

Minamo glanced over to Mai, and noted the reaction, or rather, the lack thereof. "Mai, I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but Mr. Kimura is commonly seen around the school as a perverse person. It is common knowledge that he's not exactly a person to look to for a pillar of moral guidance. About half of the student body would agree, right Yukari?"

The English teacher, who seemed to have recovered from her injury, straightened up in her seat. "Yeah, I'm afraid that despite being a gym teacher, Nyamo is actually quite correct in her assertions here."

"Ah, is that so?" asked Mai Kimura, still unfazed.

"Yes. We're here today because we've been investigating Mr. Kimura little bit over these past few days."

"Oh, you've been investigating me, Miss Kurosawa? Perhaps you should let me investigate you a little bit, yeah? Fair's fair, right?"

I can't believe that I'm arguing for him not being a pervert. "Mr. Kimura, all of your actions at school point towards you being a pervert. As a matter of fact, almost every single thing you do is an extremely strong indicator of perverseness."

"Ah, but every man has his flaws…"

"Yes, every man has his flaws. Yours is that you're not very good at pretending. You've acted like a pervert this entire time, yet in doing so you've shown that you are probably not a pervert!"

Mai, still smiling, voiced her concerns. "I… don't quite follow you, Minamo."

"Oh, don't worry, it'll all be clear very soon. First of all, you would agree that your husband is not an idiot, correct? To be teaching classical literature, he would have to be at least somewhat intelligent, correct?"

"Yes, Masaaki is quite mentally astute."

"Right. Anyway, at school, Mr. Kimura is very obvious about his perversion. He declares everything loudly, in front of as many students as possible. He doesn't even try to hide it just a little bit. Does something strike you as odd about that?"

"…no."

"If he were intelligent, which we have already established that he is, he would know that this would put his career in danger. He could still be a pervert without being so obvious about it. Furthermore, he has tried to hit on a few girls from the school, but there is an interesting quirk about each girl he tries to hit on."

"And that quirk is?"

"They're all very obviously lesbians. Now, as we've already asserted, Mr. Kimura is not an unintelligent individual. It should be very easy for even the somewhat daft to figure out that these girls would not go for Mr. Kimura.

"And your point is?"

"He picks the girls that everyone knows he has absolutely no chance. He hits on them to show that he is the creepy pervert, not because he actually wants to get with the girls."

"…that's all conjecture."

"Yes, but it is an awful lot of conjecture, and there's still more. We learned from you a few days ago that Mr. Kimura is quite the family man, and that he cares a lot about his daughter. Furthermore, Mr. Gotou told us that he had not been like that at school until around eight years ago, shortly before we started teaching. Kimura's actions do not fit with Kimura's character. He is a fake."

"Do you know what you're claiming, Miss Kurosawa?" asked Mai, still smiling.

"Yes."

"Then you do realize how absurd it sounds, right? That my husband would go to school and pretend to be a pervert for no adequately explained reason."

"Mai waifu is right," added Kimura. "While you have created a somewhat plausible situation, it's all entirely based off of conjecture. Worst of all, you do not have a motive for me to pretend. Without a motive, there is no reason to believe that I would pretend to be a pervert when it is almost as simple for me to just be a pervert. I'm afraid this is the end for your game, although we should get together and play with each other some other time."

"Kimura, this is no game. We… er… well, I'm serious here."

"Then why, praytell, would I be pretending?"

Yukari's eyes flashed brightly, and she gave the couple a predatory smirk. "Kimura, you'll regret those words!"

"Ah, Miss Tanizaki, you've got some say in this as well?"

"You called down the thunder, now reap the whirlwind!"

Minamo looked at her friend nervously. "Yukari… what are you getting at?"

Yukari didn't respond to Minamo at all, and suddenly clasped her hands together. She stared at the Kimura couple, still wearing a feral grin.

"I am the heart of my idea.
Whim is my body, and thought is my blood,

I have created over a thousand scenarios"

"What?" gasped Mrs. Kimura, surprised at Yukari's sudden outburst.

"Unknown to logic,

Nor known to reason," continued the English teacher.

Why English? Minamo thought. Actually, even though I'm not an English teacher, something seems wrong with it…

"Tear the truth from the lies, brilliance cleaves mystery in two,"

Why's that bit in Japanese?

"Have withstood criticism to create many situations,

Yet this mind will never comprehend anything,

So as I say, "Unlimited Theory Works!"

And back in English. What the f… Yukari, this wasn't part of the plan! What are you doing?

Yukari smiled at Kimura and his wife, unnerving everyone in the room. Minamo quietly thanked a few choice deities for making sure that Nanako was elsewhere for this event.

"Mr. Kimura, you are in fact a hyper-religious person! So much so that when you were a small child, you were raised to believe that there was no such thing as lesbians or gay people! Furthermore, this odd rearing has made you something of a recluse and a sexual deviant, so despite being quite brilliant, you are unable to pick up on the fact that there are such girls who would not want to be with a man, resulting in you hitting on girls like Kaorin. Also, your religious upbringing conflicts with your sexual urges, causing you to make lecherous comments but go no further!"

"Nope, that one's quite off," answered Mr. Kimura, now seeming somewhat nervous.

"Then, the next idea! You and Mai are both actually top-tier psychologists, and you're using the school as a ground for conducting psychological studies on a mass scale. Kimura uses his position to manipulate stimuli within the school's environment, and because he is a teacher, he can always observer the results and report them back to Mai. She provides the pleasant front for the experiments, and her perpetual good cheer is a result of having an intricate understanding of her own psyche!"

"What? No, I'm not a psychologist, dear." answered Mai.

"Kimura is actually an aspiring actor, and has been refining his act over the years in order to best fit into the over-the-top pervert stereotype. This is also why he spends so much time yelling, because he is trying to train his voice for this sort of thing…"

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Forty-five minutes later

"…and that's why it's banned in Canada!"

"That was possibly the most ridiculous one yet," muttered Minamo.

"As you can see, what you are facing is an unlimited number of theories. The finest of theories. Throw your façade away and take me on!" shouted Yukari.

"What happened to presenting a professional, mature front?" asked Minamo irritatedly.

"It's almost as if she's crumbled reality just by giving that speech in English earlier…" whispered Mai to nobody in particular.

"Reality marble!" shouted Yukari. "Next! As a matter of fact, Mai and Masaaki have some things to hide, yes? A student wandered by the house one day and looked in the window and saw Mr. and Mrs. Kimura with a funnel and several eels, and they we-"

Yukari was cut off by the bulk of Minamo's athletic figure colliding with her. "That is not meant for anyone to hear. Ever."

Yukari didn't respond with any words, and simply coughed and gasped, trying to find her breath.

"Five times," muttered Kimura. "That killed me five times…"

Minamo glared at Kimura. "Am I the only sane one right now?"

"So all of those theories were ridiculous," said Mai. "Entertaining, perhaps, but in the end they were all ridiculously farfetched, and so far you still haven't provided a compelling motive. Sorry, but it doesn't seem to fit just yet."

Now it was Minamo's turn to give the couple a disconcerting grin. "Yukari might not have had a proper theory," she said, relishing the fact that her friend could not cut her off right now, out of breath as Yukari was, "but you see, I have my own theory. It is not an infinite number of theories, but I think just this one should be enough to solve our mystery here."

With that said, she reached into her bag and slammed a small stack of papers onto the table between the opposing parties.

"What is this?" asked Mai.

"This," started Yukari, sneaking in a few words between gasps for air, "is the Kimuramari. It chronicles the way the students in both our classes view Kimura…"

"Yes, that it does. If you look through this, you should find sufficient motive for Kimura to pretend to be a pervert."

"Wh…what is it?"

"Look first at all of the girl's papers… well, you might want to skip Kaorin's, but the rest of them still ring true. The girls loathe Mr. Kimura and furthermore are afraid of Mr. Kimura. They do see him as this creepy pervert who is to be avoided at all costs."

"Yes, and? That would seem to indicate that he is a pervert."

"And all of the boy's papers praise Mr. Kimura, adore him for some reason, mostly claiming that he is honest and that he is a teacher whose heart is in tune with their own."

"And that would seem to indicate that Masaaki is not a liar or a pretender. This evidence doesn't seem to help you at all, Minamo."

"No, no it doesn't, not until you look at the records kept in the school. Would you like to know something peculiar about Mr. Kimura, Mai?"

"That's what this whole evening has been about, hasn't it?"

"Mr. Kimura has never committed any sort of disciplinary action in our school. Never gave a detention, never sent someone out of class, never sent someone to the principal, nothing. Mr. Kimura is a terrifically huge softie as far as discipline goes."

"Yes, and?"

"And now it all comes together. Mr. Kimura had, after a few years of working at the school, gained a reputation for being a very lax, very soft teacher. Of course, children are children, and upon learning this, took full advantage of it. Kimura had disciplinary problems in a class, and he was a teacher who did not like issuing punishments at all. Furthermore, around eight years ago, you first became pregnant, and worse yet, when your child was born with some difficulties. She didn't eat, she didn't grow very quickly, and in the end I'm sure it caused both of you terrific amounts of worry. This added to the stress Kimura was facing from his classroom, and eventually, he tried something desperate."

"Desperate…"

"Yes. According to Mr. Gotou, Mr. Kimura has never crossed the line as far as perverse actions goes. He knows exactly where he is safe, and always stays there. So what did Kimura do to relieve the problems eight years ago? He figured out exactly how far he could go with pretending to be perverse, and proceeded to toe the line. In doing so, he made the girls in his class incredibly uncomfortable and afraid to do anything to draw any attention to themselves by acting up in class. Pretending to be perverse also galvanized the boys in his class, making them all adore and respect him, thus stopping them from causing any disciplinary problems in his class. Attempting to pick up the lesbian girls in our school only furthered his image as an eccentric, misguided, weird pervert, and as a result he no longer had problems in his class and did not have to deal with issuing punishments to his beloved students."

Mai simply stared at Minamo, her smile finally disappearing from her face.

"You got us…" muttered Kimura. "I'm sorry, but I just can't bear to punish my students."

"Yes… well… this way isn't exactly a good alternative, Mr. Kimura."

"Yes… I know."

"Well, we've found the truth, Yukari. If you don't mind, Mrs. Kimura, Mr. Kimura, we're heading home now."

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"Ah, so that's what you got at the school, eh? Secret weapons, extra evidence. We totally should have brought the suits, Nyamo."

"I think that we didn't really need the suits."

"How many times do I have to tell you not to think, my dear? It doesn't suit gym teachers."

"Yukari…"

"Ah, don't worry, you know I'm just teasing you."

"Yeah, yeah. Do you think he's going to change?"

"I don't know, really. I honestly can't say. Do you think we should do something if he keeps on with it?"

"I don't know, Yukari, I don't know."

"Ah, you don't know anything, you musclebound imbecile."

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Author's Nyoron

"Hey Lire, hey Lire!"

"What do you want, Tsuruya?"

"Do you think there's any chance you'll let me appear in any further stories?"

"Probably not."

"Nyoron…"

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Author's Note: Whee. It's done. I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it, ja? Oyah, oyah, there's really nothing for me to say here, except for a couple small things that I guess I should address.

Yukari's talk about the American planes is referencing the american firebombing of Tokyo during World War II. It's a horribly inappropriate joke, hence Nyamo's reaction.

The eels and the funnel? Well, okay, here's what I will tell you. It involves a funnel and eels, and it's something that Minamo is extremely uncomfortable talking about and does not consider proper for even Yukari's Unlimited Theory Works. That's all you get. A funnel, eels, and embarassment. Feel free to go into some wild conjecture now, as that's how some excellent fanfics are written, y'know?

That's it, eh?

Just a reviewer...

I hope.