80. Into the Abyss

Albus found himself standing in a cave. It didn't look familiar, but he was fairly certain he knew everything about it, including its exact location. He also figured that the cave must have felt bigger to its last occupant than the current one. It was just big enough for Hagrid to stand upright, at least in theory.

Right now his shoulders were hunched, his hair and beard dishevelled and his eyes cast a haunted, angry look around, glancing anxiously at this boarhound Fang, who lay unnaturally still at his feet. In his hand Hagrid clutched the enchanted phoenix feather Albus had given him so he could send an emergency signal. Albus had come up with the idea after Hagrid had been rendered incommunicado on his way back from visiting the giants, unable to contact any members of the Order safely without a wand.

When Hagrid had used the feather tonight, Fawkes had been able to bring Albus here. "What happened?" he asked, taking an urgent step forward.

"Umbridge came fer me an' she brought that Auror Dawlish an' four or five others with 'er. I didn' count 'em. I knew she was goin' ter come fer me soon an' if she had just given me me notice an' told me ter leave in the mornin', I woulda gone quietly. But I wasn' gonna let 'em forcibly remove me or arrest me again like a bloody criminal when I didn' do nothin'! I couldn' take it!" Hagrid's anger quickly morphed into anguish.

Albus reached up to pat his arm. "Nobody would have expected you to accept such discriminatory treatment. I'm glad you refused to go with them and that you found refuge in this cave."

"Yeah, I remembered Sirius talkin' 'bout hidin' out in here last year. But it's not about me or me freedom! I know I'm not that important. I never wanted anyone else ter get hurt! I would've gone with 'em if I'd known!"

Assuming that Hagrid's despair had to do with Fang's current condition, Albus knelt to examine the boarhound. He had been hit by a Stunning Spell that wasn't meant for animals, but he was such a large dog that it shouldn't have caused any serious harm. As soon as Albus lifted the spell, Fang immediately rolled from his side back onto his stomach and front legs. He seemed a little disoriented, but he wagged his tail and tried to slobber all over Albus in thanks.

"I think he'll be just fine," Albus said as he rose to save himself from being completely covered in dog saliva. "And so will you. I'm sorry this happened to you and I hope you don't think for a second that you deserved any of that. Hogwarts values you a great deal and so do I. I know it's hard to be forced to stay away, but it's only temporary. In the meantime, we can turn this cave into a nice place for you to wait this out."

Once Albus was out of reach, Fang turned towards Hagrid, who patted him with giant, gentle hands. Albus' words didn't have the intended effect on the gamekeeper. He still looked stricken and nearly burst into tears. "Thanks fer helpin' Fang an' me. But I'm not worth yer kindness an' I don' want yeh ter stay too long an' get caught. I won' let any more people get hurt 'cause o' ruddy, old me!"

"Hagrid, what are you talking about? Who else is hurt?" Albus asked, trying to brace himself for an answer a part of him instantly knew already.

"Professor McGonagall was tryin' ter help me. She was just goin' ter talk to 'em. She didn' even have a wand, but those bloody cowards attacked her without warnin' or anythin'. It all happened so fast, I only saw her go down an' stop movin'. But they weren't usin' Killin' Curses! I think it was the same Stunning Spells they kept shootin' at me. Professor McGonagall go' hit by a couple of 'em at the same time, though, right in the chest. I dunno what that does ter a person, but it looked bad an'..."

Albus had stopped listening. Not so much out of choice as out of necessity. All he could hear was the blood pounding in his ears. Fear raged like a living, breathing beast inside of him. He wasn't at all sure if he could or if he even wanted to control it. His chest felt cleaved open.

He turned his back on Hagrid and walked towards the mouth of the cave from where he could see the dim lights of Hogwarts castle in the distance. Impossible to tell if one of those lights came from the hospital wing and if that meant good or bad things for Minerva. He was so close, he could simply walk inside and find out – and risk everything and everyone in the process.

For her.

He could do it for her.

And she would have his head for it later.

If there was a later.

The beast that was chomping on his heart roared.

There had to be a later.

Albus gave his wand an angry flick and conjured a piece of parchment and a quill. He needed more information. He had barely finished writing when Fawkes swooped down and circled him with a mournful cry before the scroll of parchment disappeared in a flash of phoenix fire. Sending Fawkes was safer than a Patronus because Albus didn't know where Umbridge was. Considering the raging inferno inside his soul, that was probably for the best.

Fawkes returned shortly with an irritatingly short, though not surprisingly matter-of-fact message, written in Severus' untidy scrawl. "Still alive but unresponsive. Must probably be taken to St Mungo's in the morning."

That did nothing to quieten the roaring in his blood and only deepened the hollowness spreading through his bones.

"I'm sorry, Professor," came Hagrid's voice from behind him. "I never meant ter..."

"This is not on you, Hagrid," Albus said wearily, but he was relieved to find his voice again. That did not mean, however, that he felt anywhere near calm and collected enough to talk. "You should get some rest." He waved his wand without looking and conjured all the amenities that he could fit into this cave.

Hagrid seemed unsure what to say or do. After being hit by dozens of Stunning Spells even a man as strong as he was, thanks to his mother's blood, would be exhausted and so he eventually accepted the offer to settle down. Both he and Fang were snoring loudly not long after.

Albus stayed by the cave entrance, maintaining his vigil all night. He didn't just do it so that Hagrid felt safe enough to sleep, though that would have been a perfectly good reason. He did it so he could keep staring at Hogwarts and pretend that this was an acceptable substitute for sitting by her bedside and holding her hand like he should have been doing. So he could pretend that this was good enough. That anything he did would ever be good enough.

In the early hours of the morning Albus watched the healers from St Mungo's arrive to take Minerva with them, just like Severus had said. They carried her out on a stretcher. Her face was pale, her eyes firmly closed without even an occasional flutter while her chest rose and fell painfully slowly as though any moment now taking those laboured breaths might become too much of a bother in her weakened state.

Seeing her like this made Albus' heart freeze over like the Great Lake in an exceptionally cold Scottish winter. Looking for all the world like a strong, seemingly unbreakable surface when one wrong move could cause it to crack and splinter in a matter of seconds until the tiny pieces that remained would eventually be swallowed up by the icy water, leaving only dark, gaping holes behind.

Minerva and the St Mungo's healers left the Hogwarts grounds and disappeared. Albus could have followed them easily. With a multitude of magical disguises available to a man of Albus' skill, sneaking inside the busy hospital would have been neither as difficult nor as risky as entering the school. But he was due at Headquarters later today and he had been pursuing a very promising lead on another Horcrux before any of this had happened. As much as he wanted to, he wasn't free to be with Minerva. He also wasn't free not to be with her.

Walking up to Isobel McGonagall's tiny cottage some time later, the one she had moved into after her husband's death, was Albus' idea of an unsatisfactory compromise.

The door was opened before he even got close enough to knock. "When I told Minerva that you should show your face again, I didn't mean as the bearer of bad news," Isobel greeted him gruffly, but she had the presence of mind to usher him inside the house quickly.

Since she hadn't bothered with hello, Albus answered in kind, "It appears you've already heard the news I came to bring."

"Michael got an owl from St Mungo's and he just told me," Isobel explained. "Apparently, he's her medical emergency contact, which surprised me until I realised that it couldn't be you. That would be too public for you, wouldn't it?"

Ignoring that pointed question Albus asked one of his own, hoping for more detailed information than what Severus had been able to give him. "What did the healers say?"

"That her condition is serious but not critical, whatever that's supposed to mean. They also said that those four Stunners to the chest could have easily caused her heart to fail and that it's a miracle that she survived the attack at all."

"Clearly they don't know Minerva very well," Albus said with the grimmest of smiles on his lips. Defeat was not in Minerva McGonagall's vocabulary. Definitely not defeat at the hands of Dolores Umbridge.

Isobel mirrored his expression. "I was just about to go and sit with her. Perhaps try to get a straight answer out of those healers. You can come with me."

"No, I can't," Albus replied quietly, despising himself more thoroughly than ever. And he was truly no stranger to self-flagellation.

"Right, of course not," Isobel nodded to herself. "Although if someone from the Ministry showed up to arrest you, it might just inspire Minerva to jump out of bed to tell them to stop."

"Quite possibly, but it's not about getting arrested," Albus told her. "I could disguise myself in a myriad of ways. Sadly, I have other responsibilities."

"Oh, do you now? I'll be sure to tell her that if she wakes up again." If there hadn't been any judgment in Isobel's voice before, there certainly was now. But she couldn't berate him any more than he could berate himself.

"When – not if – she wakes up," Albus corrected her gently, "Minerva will be the first to tell me that I shouldn't waste my precious time watching her sleep in a hospital bed. Her words, not mine," he added.

A smile flickered over Isobel's face. "That does sound like her," she conceded. "Well, then I'll watch her for the both of us."

As she reached for a travelling cloak, Albus took her hand and squeezed it. "Thank you," he said earnestly. "Do you need assistance to Apparate to St Mungo's?"

The glare Minerva's mother gave him made her appear anything but thin and frail. "Do you need help walking out of that door on your own two feet? I'm old, not an invalid! Perhaps nobody's told you, but you look like you should know the difference!"

"My apologies," Albus said and moved aside to watch her leave.

He battled the urge to change his mind and follow her before he finally went on his own way.


As soon as Albus arrived at Headquarters a couple of hours later, he knew that things had continued to go wrong. There was no one there, not even Sirius, and the only one who did greet Albus in the otherwise empty house was the one who usually hid from him.

"What did Sirius order you to tell me, Kreacher?" Albus asked the old house-elf.

He bowed almost all the way to the kitchen floor, if only to hide his satisfied smirk. "Master said to tell you that he has gone with the werewolf, the Blood Traitor's daughter and the two Aurors to the Department of Mysteries to help Harry Potter, who has left Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry with his friends to find the prophecy."

Albus took a step back as this news slammed into him. For months now he had worked hard to prevent something like this – and yet it had all come to pass in the last 24 hours. It was a small mercy that he had already been forced to lock up his feelings after what had happened with Minerva. Last night Albus had only thought about her health and safety, but there was another, less personal reason why he had desperately wanted her to remain at Hogwarts. Had she been there, she could have stopped Harry from leaving. Even with Minerva gone, there was still Severus. But Severus had the disadvantage of disliking Harry as much as Harry disliked him and clearly neither one had been able to overcome this.

With newfound urgency Albus refocused his attention on Kreacher. "Why would Harry go to the Ministry when he has no knowledge of the prophecy?"

"Kreacher does not know this. He has told you everything he knows."

Lowering himself into a crouch so he could look Kreacher right in the eye and search for what else was there, Albus said coolly, "I don't think you have."

The elderly house-elf wanted to scramble away from him, but a flick of Albus' wand held him in place. "I don't wish to hurt you, Kreacher. But I don't have time for you to keep lying to me, so I'm afraid we must get to the truth quickly." He had always feared it might come to this. "Have you ever left this house since it became the Headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix?"

"Kreacher does what Master tells him to do," said Kreacher, still struggling in vain. In his mind Albus saw vague images of a different house, a manor.

"Has Sirius ever told you to 'just go away' or 'get out of his sight' perhaps?" Albus ventured a shrewd guess.

Another image, this one a lot clearer as Kreacher began to lose his fight against Albus' Legilimancy: Sirius roaring 'OUT!' at the house-elf. "Kreacher does what Master tells him to do," he repeated, his mouth curling upwards into a gleeful smile.

"I see. So you went where? Clearly not to the house of Andromeda Tonks," Albus mused, remembering how Kreacher had called Tonks the 'Blood Traitor's daughter.' "Her sister Narcissa then? I'm sure the Malfoys pretended to appreciate your loyalty more than Sirius did. What did you tell them, Kreacher?"

The house-elf shook his head back and forth before his mental defences broke down and he burst out laughing. "Kreacher did go to Miss Cissy months ago when Master was too distracted to notice because of the injury to the Blood Traitor Weasley. Kreacher could not answer most of Miss Cissy's questions because Master had forbidden him to speak of the Order. But Kreacher told the Mistress that Master cares about nothing and no one as much as he cares about the Potter boy and he about him. The Dark Lord was very pleased with that information."

Albus grimaced as he saw all of this in Kreacher's mind and knew it to be true. Undoubtedly, it would have appealed to Voldemort to exploit this kind of love he had always seen as a weakness. "What instructions did the Malfoys give you?"

"They said the Dark Lord could make Harry Potter believe that Master was in danger. When the time was right, Kreacher was to make sure that Master was out of sight. Today Kreacher went to injure the beast in the attic. Master had been tending to it for hours when Harry Potter appeared in the fireplace to inquire after him. Kreacher told him that Master had gone and now Harry Potter, too, has gone to where the Dark Lord wants him to be." The house-elf collapsed in fits of crazed laughter and Albus let him be.

He felt nothing but pity for Kreacher, who had certainly played his part but in the end was not to blame for any of this. Albus had tried to warn Sirius that something like this might happen, but he had failed to follow up on those warnings. Just like he had failed at a lot of things.

There was nothing he could do about it now, other than to get to the Ministry of Magic as fast as possible. He arrived in the Death Chamber in the Department of Mysteries just in the nick of time. A fight had erupted between the members of the Order who had come to Harry's defence and the Death Eaters Voldemort had sent to retrieve the prophecy for him. It was not going well – both Nymphadora Tonks and Alastor Moody had already been injured – and their side was about to lose. But Albus was more than ready to unleash the raging storm inside of him that had been clamouring to get out ever since he had heard about the attack on Minerva. He overpowered the remaining Death Eaters and bound them with an Anti-Disapparation Jinx.

All except one.

Bellatrix Lestrange had been engaged in a furious duel with Sirius up on the dais – dangerously close to the veil. Albus had his back turned to them and didn't see it happen, but he heard it. He heard both Harry and Remus scream and he wouldn't forget that sound any time soon. They screamed for the remarkably brave man who had just been brutally ripped away from them. Sirius wasn't just dead. He was gone. Gone through the veil. Gone for good.

Time seemed to slow down in this moment of unbelievable loss.

Only to speed up again just as quickly and mercilessly.

After duelling with Kingsley for a moment, Bellatrix ran off when Albus whipped around to face her. She fled the chamber – with Harry hard on her heels. Remus was about to follow them, but Albus grabbed his arm. "I'll go after Harry," he said quickly. Kingsley was now guarding the Death Eaters, his wand held high and steady. Alastor, missing his magical eye and possibly other parts of his body, had slowly crawled towards where Tonks had fallen. "I saw Miss Granger, Miss Weasley, Miss Lovegood and Mr Weasley on my way here. Are there any more students who accompanied Harry?" Albus asked, having left out Mr Longbottom, who was slumped on the steps not too far from them.

"No, that's all of them," Remus replied flatly.

"Go round them up and make sure they're all right." Albus let go of him, but Remus didn't.

His eyes were brimming with the inconsolable grief of a man who had just lost a best friend for the second, if not third time in his life and who was now staring into the abyss of losing himself right alongside them.

"Remus," Albus said softly but urgently. He knew his pain better than most men, but there was nothing they could do for the dead other than to make sure there wouldn't be more. "The children!"

Remus jerked out of his stupor and nodded, which freed Albus to look for Harry.

Not a minute too soon.

Back in the atrium Albus discovered that Voldemort's patience had finally run out. In his hubris he had entered the very heart of the Ministry of Magic. To get to the prophecy. To get to Harry. Except, Albus had no intention of letting him have either one. He hadn't come here tonight expecting to face Voldemort himself, but he was ready. The magic in his veins responded to his command instantly and fearlessly. Whipping his wand through the air, Albus brought the Fountain of Magical Brethren to life. He used the wizard to guard Harry, sent the goblin and house-elf to alert the minister and the Auror office to what was going on and commanded the centaur to charge at Voldemort and then to canter in circles around him in an attempt to contain their fighting and keep it away from Harry.

It was not going to be an even fight.

People loved to say that 'he was the greatest wizard there ever was.' They had said that about both Voldemort and Albus – it was simply a matter of perspective. Naturally, this had also made people wonder which of these so-called greatest wizards would win if ever there was to be a duel between the two of them. This question was entirely moot, Albus knew. But a tiny part of him was annoyed that answering it definitively wasn't even an option.

Not only could Voldemort not truly be killed as long as his Horcruxes lived, Albus couldn't even force him back into his bodiless existence. The fact that he had created his current body with Lily Potter's blood was the only beacon of hope for Harry to have a future even after the Horcrux in him had been destroyed – by none other than Voldemort himself. In this very body.

And so Albus found himself in a duel with a deadly enemy who could not die and, more importantly, could not be allowed to die.

Yet.

"You do not seek to kill me, Dumbledore?" called Voldemort when he noticed what Albus was doing or rather not doing. "Above such brutality, are you?"

"We both know that there are other ways of destroying a man, Tom," Albus said calmly, though he really didn't feel like explaining himself.

"There's nothing worse than death, Dumbledore!" Voldemort cut across him.

Once again, he couldn't have been more wrong.

The way Harry had screamed Sirius' name, the name of the man who had been father and brother to him. The destroyed look in Remus' eyes when he had realised that he would never see his oldest friend again. The thought of having to draw breath even if Minerva should not wake and he could never hold her again. Those things were unimaginably worse.

But Voldemort would never, could never understand this, incapable as he was of loving anyone other than himself and perhaps not even that.

Even though Voldemort was aiming to kill while Albus was not, their duel didn't result in an easy victory for either one of them. As a last resort Voldemort did what Albus had always been afraid of.

Voldemort possessed Harry.

And then Harry – heartbroken, grieving and fiercely loving Harry – forced Voldemort out.

Just like that, it was over.

By now half of the Ministry had arrived and Voldemort had no other choice but to flee.

Fudge was as stupefied and slow to react as ever even after he had seen Voldemort with his own eyes. "Merlin's beard – here – here! – in the Ministry of Magic!" he gasped.

Albus' only priority now that Voldemort was gone was Harry. He sent him back to Hogwarts via Portkey (ignoring Fudge's protestations) and allowed the minister thirty minutes of his time to explain the situation to him. Most of those explanations turned into ultimatums. He told Cornelius to remove Dolores Umbridge from the school, to suspend and investigate the Ministry officials who had helped her to attack Hagrid and Minerva, and to finally start working against Voldemort rather than the Order.

Oh, and of course he reinstated himself as headmaster.

Fudge's contributions to all of this came down to a weak nod.

More or less satisfied Albus turned his attention to the other Order members and the five Hogwarts students who had mercifully all survived the night. They would need to spend some time in the hospital wing, but the only one more seriously injured was Nymphadora Tonks.

"Moody and I will take her to St Mungo's – unless there's anything else you need us to do?" Remus asked. His tone was level, but his eyes were pleading with Albus to let him go. It occurred to Albus that Remus might want to be with Tonks just as desperately as Albus wanted to be with Minerva. At least one of them should get their wish.

"Please go with Miss Tonks and tell her I wish her a speedy recovery," Albus replied. "I just have one more question before you leave. How did you know to come here tonight?"

"We got a warning from Severus. You'll have to ask him what happened exactly or how he let it happen." Remus' tone was no longer measured when he added, "I should have gone up to the school when Harry told us that Severus had stopped giving him Occlumency lessons! But I figured Severus wouldn't listen to me anyway and probably set Umbridge on me out of spite." Remus' throat worked in mute despair. "All of this because we were short-sighted, half-witted teenage fools when we were younger and thought we had to hate each other for no good reason!"

"Sometimes even our reasons to hate come from a place of love." Albus rested a hand on his shoulder. "For what it's worth, I think Sirius would want you to choose the latter." He squeezed Remus' arm and then let him go to focus on Tonks and his grief.

He bent down and gently scooped up Fawkes. One of Voldemort's Killing Curses had burned the phoenix to ashes, from which he had now been reborn. The Portkey Albus had used to send Harry away had returned to its place of origin, as it had been programmed to do. He activated it a second time to bring all five of Harry's friends with him upon his return to Hogwarts castle.

In the interest of saving time they appeared right in the middle of the hospital wing. Madam Pomfrey gaped at Albus, but somebody must have already warned her that there were students missing who might need her help at some point during the night.

"About bloody time," was everything she said before she hurried over to them.

Perhaps the first thing Albus should do as freshly reinstated headmaster was to give the matron a raise for never asking meddlesome questions.

It became clear who had told Poppy to expect new patients when Severus entered the hospital wing shortly after their arrival. Albus would have asked the Potions master why he never seemed to sleep at night, but since he knew how it felt when the demons in the dark were real, he did not.

He was well aware that Harry was waiting for him in his office, though he probably had never wanted to see Albus less than he did right now. Perhaps that was why Albus delayed a little longer and decided to take the time to talk to Severus.

The Potions master spoke first. "Where's Potter?" he asked, scanning the five students in Madam Pomfrey's excellent care.

"Are you asking out of concern or guilt?" Albus countered with a question of his own.

"It's not my fault Potter was so desperate to play the hero that he ran off before I could verify his information," Severus shot back immediately.

Reserving judgment, Albus listened to Severus' account of events. From Harry and his friends getting caught in Umbridge's office to Harry giving Severus a cryptic message about Sirius being tortured by Voldemort, which he had discovered to be untrue upon contacting the Order. Only to then realise that Harry and the others had disappeared into the Forbidden Forest and weren't coming back, forcing Severus to look for them and to warn the Order to head to the Ministry just in case.

"I imagine very few people would have the patience to wait for 'verification' when they believe a loved one to be in danger," Albus said once Severus had finished. "Tragically, Harry's vision has come true in a different way. Sirius has died tonight."

A muscle in Severus' cheek twitched. Whether it had meant to curl his lips upwards or downwards remained unclear as he returned to being stony-faced. "Also not my fault. I told him to stay behind at Headquarters to wait for you."

"Yes, I'm sure you did that out of concern for his well-being."

Severus' jaw tensed. "What do you want from me, Dumbledore?"

Albus met his gaze squarely. "I wouldn't say no to an explanation as to why you thought it acceptable to stop teaching Harry Occlumency?"

"I told you he didn't have what it takes to learn Occlumency!" Severus attempted to maintain his composure, but his anger was too hot under the surface. "He never would have been disciplined enough to close his mind and stop the Dark Lord from showing him that vision."

"I didn't ask if he could or could not have done it and I'm not saying that you're the only one to blame for it," Albus explained patiently. "I'm asking why you stopped trying."

"Because he had to learn that actions have consequences," Severus hissed. "Because you let him get away with everything, he's so incredibly arrogant to think he can do that to everyone."

A little less patient, Albus asked, "Do what exactly? What did a fifteen-year-old boy do that you, the adult in this situation, couldn't rise above?"

At war with himself as to whether he should answer, Severus decided that the truth would end this conversation faster. "He thought it would be funny to have a look at the private memories I had stored in the Pensieve. To watch his bastard of a father humiliate me in front of –," he broke off sharply.

But Albus had heard enough. Harry had crossed a line and although he had probably done it out of curiosity rather than malice, he had inadvertently found the very spot where it hurt. The one thing Severus couldn't possibly forgive because he still refused to forgive himself.

Albus heaved a sigh. He felt thin and brittle and like he just needed to rest his head for a minute. In the pocket of his robes Fawkes croaked pitifully.

"I have to talk to Harry," Albus said wearily. "If Dolores is up and about, tell her I'll deal with her later. I don't want any interruptions while I'm with Harry."

To his surprise, Severus smirked. "She won't interrupt." When Albus lifted a brow in question, he added, "The centaurs have her."

Albus' brows rose higher. "What do you mean 'have her'?"

"The last time I saw her while I was searching for Potter they had her tied to a tree and they were about to use her for target practise." The violent image did not seem to bother Severus in the least.

His mouth slightly open, Albus shook his head. He really did not have time for this right now. Dolores would have to wait. What goes around comes around, he supposed. Because he had left Harry alone for longer than he had intended and because he was tired, he simply stepped into the fireplace in Poppy's office and travelled to the headmaster's study via Floo Powder.

His predecessors greeted him with a round of applause. Harry's reaction was markedly different. Having lost many loved ones in his life and feeling Minerva's absence keenly, Albus shared his pain. Not to mention the guilt he felt for his part in Sirius' death. He had underestimated them all – Sirius' need to be a free man, Severus' hatred (and love) for the Potters and Harry's capability to handle the truth if he had opened up to him sooner.

It made this conversation the most difficult Albus had ever had. There was a reason he had put it off for fifteen years now. But time had finally run out. On Sirius and on all of them. Harry took the news about the prophecy as well as Albus had come to expect from him. The one thing he didn't seem to understand was sadly the most important.

That Albus had done all of this because he had come to love Harry like the son he had never allowed himself to have. The son he had never had the right to have. And the one he couldn't bear to lose.

Harry was too angry with him right now to accept this as an excuse or even as the truth. It was all right. It was Albus' burden to carry. Just like the knowledge about the Horcruxes, which he kept to himself. Even though he had just told Harry that he was now old enough to know these things.

But was he really?

Albus simply couldn't help himself, not any more than he could help the treacherous tear that found its path down his cheek.

He was a fool.

A bloody, old fool who loved too much.


The first time Minerva woke up, she awoke to a scolding from her mother not to scare her like this in her old age.

The second time she woke up, she awoke to a changed world in which the Daily Prophet (borrowed from one of the healers) suddenly announced that He Who Must Not Be Named had returned.

And the third time she woke up, she discovered that the 'newly reinstated Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, reinstated member of the International Confederation of Wizards and reinstated Chief Warlock of the Wizengamot' (by far her favourite quote from that Daily Prophet article) was sitting in a chair next to her bed and holding her hand.

"Finally!" Minerva burst out and tried to sit up way too fast. A strangled cry of pain escaped her lips as she sank back into the pillows.

The smile that had blossomed on Albus' face when she had opened her eyes crumpled. "I'm so sorry, my love, that I couldn't come earlier. I should have been here to sit with you and…"

"What are you going on about?" Minerva interrupted him. She had learned that the earlier one cut off Albus' propensity for blaming himself the better. "Of course you weren't here! You were clearly busy." She nodded in the direction of the Daily Prophet on her bedside table. "I just meant finally someone who can tell me what really happened because that article is about as informative as the weather report and probably as accurate. You-Know-Who was at the Ministry?"

"He was," Albus confirmed. "But how about you? How are you feeling?"

"Like the Hogwarts Express rolled over my chest," she replied curtly. "But that's not what's important right now. Were you there? Did you see him?"

Albus clasped her hand between both of his and pressed a kiss to her knuckles. "On the contrary. Your heart is immeasurably more important to me than my duel with Voldemort."

"Duel?" Minerva echoed, nearly jumping out of bed. If only she could have. "You duelled with him?"

"Perhaps I was wrong," Albus said worriedly, drawing back a little in his chair. "Perhaps I shouldn't have come. Causing you this much distress can't be good for your recovery."

Minerva lifted her head and her shoulders, slower this time but still determined. "What's stressing me out is not knowing what happened. My heart will be just fine once it gets what it wants. You should really know that about me by now."

A smile tugging at the corners of his lips, Albus allowed. "All right, if you promise to stop getting upset, I will tell you what happened."

She made a face but leaned back again, indicating that she was listening. And not only that. Minerva was practically stunned into silence when Albus told her everything.

"I'm sorry," she said eventually, dropping her gaze to look at her useless legs under the covers. "I should have been there to stop Potter like you asked me to. And I should have pressured Severus into continuing with the Occlumency lessons. I didn't know he had stopped altogether, but I knew it wasn't going well at all. I just… with everything that was going on with Umbridge, I didn't want to pick that fight, too."

Albus reached out with one hand and gently turned her face around to him again. His eyes were alight with warmth and fond exasperation. "You know you have nothing to apologise for and even if you had, you gave me your word just now that you wouldn't." He sighed. "It's not as if you left Hogwarts voluntarily. And no one could have persuaded Severus to keep teaching Harry. It's my fault for believing otherwise. I should have been the one to teach him in the first place. I should have known that you can only ask someone to trust you so many times without giving them proof that you deserve it." He inclined his head and gave a low chuckle. "I suppose you spoiled me in that regard. So if you do want to blame yourself for something, it should be for always forgiving my mistakes."

Minerva snorted, but she didn't really feel like laughing. The weight on her chest was pressing down on her harder than ever after what Albus had just told her. "How's Harry doing?" she asked quietly.

"Not… well." Albus wasn't trying to block her question. He simply didn't have the words because there were no words for something so awful.

For Potter to lose his godfather after he had only just found out that he had a parent-like figure left in his life. And for Sirius Black to die before he ever got to be a free man again. This mounting number of tragedies left no doubt that they were truly at war yet again.

"When you and You-Know-Who met, was it that you couldn't… kill him or that you wouldn't?" Minerva's voice was soft and hopefully free of judgment. She just wanted to know what it meant that they had duelled and both walked away unscathed.

"Oh, I definitely would have killed him if I could have." Albus' gaze darkened and so did the rest of the hospital room, or so it seemed for a moment. "But Voldemort is still so foolish and ignorant to believe that there is nothing worse than death and has protected himself against it."

Not sure if she understood what that meant, Minerva admitted, "I guess a part of me was hoping that once he showed himself and you found him, this would all be over."

"I'm sorry to disappoint you." He sounded honestly dismayed when he said that.

"You think I'm disappointed that you didn't have to become a murderer?" Minerva gave him a pointed look and shook her head. "The war might not be over, but at least Fudge finally got his eyes opened. Of course that could be even more worrisome. Who knows what he'll try to do next? Reinstating you was the only smart move he's made in years." She perked up as she thought about Albus' vindication. "Now that you're headmaster again – officially, I mean – what about the rest of those bloody decrees?"

"All rescinded."

For the first time the vice-like grip on Minerva's heart eased up a little. "What did Dolores say when you told her to hit the road?" she asked gleefully.

"Actually," Albus said slowly, "she doesn't really talk much anymore."

"What? That's the only thing that woman could do!"

"When she walked into the forest with Harry, the centaurs took her hostage. Apparently, that was a rather traumatising experience for her," Albus explained.

A laugh leapt out of Minerva, but she quickly reined herself back in. "Was? As in she's not stuck in the forest anymore? How did she get out?"

"Well…" There was a hint of hesitation in Albus' voice. "I got her out."

She couldn't do much else, so Minerva grabbed a fistful of Albus' beard and tugged him towards her with just enough pressure for his beard to go taut. "Why would you do such an incredibly stupid and annoyingly noble thing?"

Albus grimaced. "Aside from not wanting the Ministry to get distracted again by starting a war with the centaurs, I thought you might like the chance to say goodbye to Dolores in person when she leaves the school for good."

Minerva eyed the walking stick that one of the healers had propped against the wall for when she was allowed to get out of bed. It occurred to her that walking was not the only thing one could use such a stick for. "I may have some ideas about that." She let go of Albus' beard. "Speaking of my return to Hogwarts, I've been meaning to pester the healers to discharge me." Currently, there were none of them around because Albus had made sure that they had the room to themselves.

"Are you sure you're well enough? I can't say that I've ever experienced the weight of a steam engine on my chest, but it sounds like an unpleasant sensation." His attempt to cover up his concern with humour was rather pitiful.

"I was exaggerating. For the most part," Minerva hedged. "So it would help if you looked less worried when I talk to the healers. Better yet, you can tell them that you need me back at work."

"I do need you back," Albus nodded, though he clearly wasn't thinking about work. "And so does Fawkes. He's waiting for you to nurse him back to adulthood."

"What happened to him?" Minerva gasped.

"He dived in front of one of Voldemort's Killing Curses intended for me. Like you he refuses to accept that his life is more valuable than mine." Albus' smile was grim and mirthless. "Thankfully, he has a great many of them."

"Right, and you don't." No matter what Albus said, if Fawkes had sacrificed himself like that, Albus must have been in mortal danger in that moment. Minerva shuddered at the thought of it. That she had been lying here, useless, while all of that had been going on. "I'm definitely coming home now."

She sat up in bed gingerly. It went a lot better than before, but she couldn't entirely suppress a moan of discomfort. Immediately, she saw her pained expression reflected in Albus' soulful blue eyes that were so deep and molten at their core but hardened quickly into brilliantly sharp edges. He rose from his chair and lightly started to massage her stiff neck and sore shoulders. Albus' familiar, caring touch made her feel more like a human being again and more like herself.

When she had just begun to relax, almost pain-free, Albus placed a kiss on the top of her head and as his lips brushed her temple, he whispered, "Please don't ever leave me again."

Minerva rolled her eyes at him. "I'm here. I'm fine. Can we not make a big deal out of this? It's embarrassing."

"My love for you is embarrassing?"

"No, that I'm here is embarrassing. This should never have happened. I was stunned by a bunch of cowardly Ministry officials in my own home. How will I ever live that down?"

Albus stopped his gentle ministrations and sat back down, this time right next to her on the edge of the bed so he could look at her while still placing his hands on her shoulders. "It wasn't a fair fight. You were there to talk to them. You didn't expect them to attack you without warning."

"My point is that I should have expected it – and would have when I was younger." Her jaw was etched with tension as she gritted her teeth. "Between this and what happened with Ginny Weasley and the Chamber of Secrets, my track record when it comes to protecting Hogwarts in your absence is pretty abysmal."

"How can you say that when you nearly died while protecting Hagrid, who is as much a part of Hogwarts as you or I. You did everything you could have done." Albus leaned in, splaying the fingers of his one hand until his thumb caught on her collarbone and moving the other hand up to cup her neck. "I'm the only one who has any right to be embarrassed or angry."

"And why's that?" Minerva asked sceptically.

"Because this," he indicated that he meant her being in this bed in this hospital room, "was never the plan. You are not supposed to go first." Albus' fingers lightly dug into her skin. "You are not allowed to go first."

Held by the intensity of his gaze as well as the firmness of his touch, Minerva could barely breathe. For a much better reason than being hit in the chest four times. "You know I don't respond well to ridiculous commands," she managed.

Albus didn't budge. "This one is non-negotiable."

"That's not fair," Minerva huffed.

"Then it's a good thing that I never promised you fair," Albus said before his mouth captured hers, mindful of her injury but also needing to connect with her.

His lips moved against hers as light as a feather and yet kissing her healed something in him that had been ripped apart at the news of her attack. It also breathed new life into her. She might not be a phoenix, but she wasn't done yet either. Not even close.

"You're lucky I missed you so darn much these past few months that I will let you get away with such silliness for a wee bit longer," Minerva muttered, leaning comfortably against Albus.

"Undoubtedly," he agreed, his breath caressing her skin. "But so are you."

Minerva pulled back just enough to be able to glance at him in surprise. "What did I do?"

"It's more what you allowed others to do to our school. Even after trolls and pixies and dragons, I've never seen it look like such a wasteland." Albus' brow creased in mock amazement. "And I mean that quite literally as there is an actual swamp on the fifth floor."

"That's what happens when the headmaster's office is empty," Minerva countered, but she was smiling because he had said 'our' school. After the year that lay behind them, nothing had ever sounded so right. "So let's go and remedy that."

She was suddenly desperate to leave this hospital. They were wasting time arguing about how much time they had left. Albus was right. No one had promised them fair. No one had promised them forever either. But they had always found their forever in the silence in between, in the small, stolen moments that burned crimson and gold, and in the steady comfort of having come to know their truest self in one another.

They would need that now more than ever. Because right now, they had a war to fight.

And a lot of broken chandeliers to fix.

And even if that brought them closer to a future without promises, their love would allow them to go bravely into the dark.


A/N: I admit writing this last scene was difficult because what was I supposed to let them say, knowing what's about to happen pretty much right away after they leave that goddamn hospital? And yes, it's going to happen. I'm sorry. I do not want to read book six. I do not want to cry my eyes out. And I do not want to kill Albus. But the idea for this story was always to write about Minerva's life in accordance with Harry Potter canon as much as possible. It has taken me hours of work to do exactly that. I can't just throw it away now. Plus, letting Albus live would not be a small change that I could just sneak in. It would be monumental. It would require a whole new ending to the Harry Potter story. If I was at liberty to do that, I might have changed more things way earlier than this. Like, maybe Albus and Minerva could have gone hunting Horcruxes together! Perhaps that's something that deserves its own story. Perhaps I will write that one day after Albus' death completely devastates me. But for now I will continue with the task I set out for myself and I hope you will continue to join me.