DIS: Thanks to those of you who reviewed, and, lol, yes, I can understand if you guys forgot about this one for a minute. (scratches head) I was going through my floppies when I found this, so...Yeah. Oh! And for those who are awaiting my Sesshomaru/Rin website, my beloved friend Mollie is working greatly and hard on it! Thankfully, you guys can download Inuyasha music from there, along with finding some lyrics! Anyway, enough of advertising, here's the next chapter!
X
Chapter Five, Yami meets DeathYami sighed, feeling his insides twisting in a nauseating sort of way. He had been walking around aimlessly for two days ever since he walked out on Bakura and Marik. The angel Ryou and devil Bakura had yet to reappear and Yami thankfully hoped that they did not pop up out of nowhere. He sat down for a moment to reflect on his life and felt, vaguely, that something had gone wrong. Why did he feel that way? Frowning, he stood up just as a football came barreling over. "WATCH OUT!" Someone screeched. He turned to have the football smack him right in the face and knock him to the ground, causing him to fall unto unconsciousness.
X
Yami groaned and looked around and gasped. "(OO) CAN IT BE? Am I in...in..."
"Yeah, you're in the after life," a droning voice informed him. Yami turned to the guy in the weird costume. What the heck was it, Halloween everyday for the guy?
"Um, no, that's not what I was going to say," Yami answered and stood up, turning around. "It kinda looked like a world of Ice Cream! Oh, the glory of it all! But, of course, this Pharaoh does not get what he wishes." He sighed. "Yami is disappointed."
"...Uh..."
"Yami asks the odd man who he is, inwardly thinking that the man needs a new wardrobe. Yami has a puzzled expression on his face while the man stares blankly at him from the depths of his great big...Hmm. Well, Yami is unsure what the devil he is wearing, but it certainly looks weird to the Pharaoh Yami."
"(-.-) Man you're a loser," the being grumbled. "It's no wonder you can't get laid!"
"MAYBE NOT BY A WOMAN, BUT I'M SURE ANY GUY WOULD TAKE ME!" Yami roared indignantly.
"(OO) Whoa, dude, chill! Anyway, my name...is Death." He pointed to a badge he had pulled out of the depths of his robes. "And I am here to have you, uh...Well, I don't really know what I'm supposed to do. I never read the job description that well to be honest."
"Seriously?" Yami questioned as he crossed his arms. "Hm. Yeah, I never knew what I was supposed to do when I took the job of Pharaoh. That's pretty much why I brought the destruction of my kingdom. Yeesh, why didn't they choose Akhenaden or his son, Seto, for Ra's sake?" Silence ensued for a couple moments in which Yami's brow furrowed. "Wait a dang minute...Kaiba was the reincarnation of Priest Seto." Pause. "Okay, so scratch that. Just Akhenaden."
"(sweat drop)...You're wasting my time. I never knew Egyptians were so conceited – and stupid, at that."
"I AM NOT STUPID!" He glared at Death. "Everyone calls me stupid, even my ABIOU calls me stupid, but I'm not! I'll show them, by golly, I'll show them!" As he said all of this, he raised his arms in a defiant posture. After his rant, he remained that stance and Death stared at him, fiddling his scythe (right?) absent-mindedly.
"So...You done yet?" Death asked Yami cautiously. Yami slowly lowered his arms and sighed.
"Yes." He paused. "Can you tell me what everyone's doing right now? By the way, am I dead?"
"That's your SECOND question? Gee, you're dumber than I thought."
"(-.-)...Shut up."
"Ahem. Right. Anyway, well, let's take a look." He grabbed Yami by the arm and the floated down to Domino City. Yami felt like he was Scrooge in A Christmas Carol. "So, shall we see Yuugi first?"
"Er, sure..." They zapped to the Kame Game Shop, where Yuugi was sweeping in front of the shop and talking to himself.
"I wonder where Yami is? He sure has been gone for awhile. I wonder why he left? He sure has been gone for awhile. I wonder where Jou is? I wonder if he'll come see me so we can have fun in the shower again? Hm, that rings a stupid little bell in my head, but it's so dull I can't hardly hear it! I guess the bell is so stupid and quiet that it doesn't matter! Yeah! That's it! Hm, I wonder if Anzu is gonna hook up with Kaiba for sure. They've been around each other a lot lately..."
"(--) How can you stand the little midget?" Death asked.
"I was in his body for awhile, you know," Yami pointed out. "By the time I got out, he turned into this." Death snickered. "Shut up!"
"Listen, buddy, this is the second time you've told me to shut up and I don't appreciate it! REMEMBER WHO I AM!"
"...You're right, I do need to remember who you are...Who are you again?"
"(-.-) I REALLY shouldn't have taken this job. It sucks ass. I mean all these OLD people and stupid dead people! Most of them died for a damn good reason! Like, doing drugs, getting herpes...Yeah."
"You know you're thinking aloud, right?" Yami questioned.
"...Shut your mouth, infidel. Who should we check on next?"
"How about Anzu?"
"...Okay, if you insist."
"(o.o)..." They zapped to Kaiba Corp, where Anzu was snuggled up to Kaiba on his desk, half naked.
"Oh, Kaiba!" She sighed. "I can hardly believe that the others and I used to hate you. You're sooo sexy!"
"(O.O) K-Kaiba? Sexy?" Yami sputtered. "Anzu, don't be corrupted by him!"
"She can't hear you," Death reminded him, a bit uncomfortable himself.
"Then you tell her!"
"She can't hear me either."
"...Damn!"
"Soo...Before other things start to happen, where should we go next? Truth is, I've been wanting to send Kaiba to Hell since he was seven."
"(sweat drop) Er, right. Let's go see Bakura."
"Alright."
Zap!
"DAMN THAT KAIBA!" Bakura was roaring, trashing Anzu's house as best as he could. "He'll pay! Oh, he'll pay!" Marik, who was lounging on the couch, let out an indignant shout as the couch was turned over and he fell on his butt.
"HEY! Don't take your temper out on my because you're girlfriend's a skank!" Marik snapped.
"She didn't seem like one at first!"
"It's because she's been hanging out with that damn Mai!" Marik declared from his spot beneath the couch. "That woman's slept with every guy in Domino – including me!"
"Osiris!" Bakura breathed, staring at him with horror. "Are you serious? Ra, Marik, since when did you slut the sluts?"
"Slut the sluts?" Marik repeated.
"A random saying I made up when playing strip poker with Malik."
"Right...And to answer your question, I started about five months ago. Yup. Fiveee months agoooo."
"Dear Ra, Horus, and Osiris above and below, WHY do you have to take things literally?"
"That's quite a prayer, Bakura, are you sure you should be praying to all three of them?" Marik asked, briefly ignoring his question.
"Nah, I probably shouldn't."
"Well you did."
"Yeah, I did," Bakura admitted regretfully.
"Can't take it back, either."
"No, I can't."
"Sucks like a lollipop," Marik added.
"Yeah, it does."
"Yup."
"Yup."
"So anyway, back to your question, I have no idea why I take things literally. Probably just to piss you off and be a smart ass."
"That I could believe," Bakura agreed, his temper cooled now that he had gotten so terribly off topic. He sighed and went to the side of the room. He blinked and saw a lump in the carpet. He pulled it up and let out a shriek of terror.
"WHAT?" Marik demanded, springing up from the floor.
"Yami broke Anzu's dad's ship model! Oh dear Ra, I'm doomed to hell for eternity!"
"You're worried about a ship model? Look at what you did to the house!"
"But that was worth thousands of dollars and I was planning on stealing it!" Bakura wailed dramatically.
"Had enough?" Death asked Yami in an amused tone.
"Aw, I'm screwed. Bakura's gonna kill me. Say...am I dead?"
"You're just now asking that?" Death demanded.
"Shut up!" Yami snapped.
"...Right. Anyway, let's go see what the Katsuyas are doing."
Zap!
"NO, JOUNOUCHI!" Shizuka screeched as soon as they zapped into the Katsuya home. "Why does it have to be this way? I wanted your tan stick! Yuugi shouldn't have it!" (Refer to Kaiba's Horrid Day, last chapter.)
"Sis, I love him and I love you, but now it's back to original loving. You gotta understand dat!"
"Nooo! Jounouchi, please! Give me another chance! I can love you more than Yuugi can!"
"You can't, though, Shizuka, you just can't. Yuugi...He's the life I never dreamed of! He's dis celestial bein' before even Kaiba came along!"
"But Kaiba has Anzu now!"
"Gee, everyone knows dat she's cheatin' on Bakura, huh?"
"Yeah, pretty much," she answered with a shrug.
"Huh...Well maybe you can have Bakura then."
"I DON'T WANT BAKURA! I WANT YOU!"
"Listen, Shizuka, ya can't have me!"
"Besides, Bakura's mean to me and I hear he's rough on his women..." Shizuka sniffed.
"Well...Um...I dunno! Take Honda or Otogi!"
"I DON'T WANT THEM!"
"Shizuka," Jou began in a warning voice.
"I'll cry, I'll pout, I'll yell, and throw a fit if you go over to Yuugi's right now!" Shizuka said in an equally warning tone.
"...Okay." He turned towards the door and she did, indeed, start throwing a loud, raucous fit. Yami winced and shook Death, shouting at him to leave.
Zap!
"...Where are we?" Yami asked, looking around the empty room. There was a simple pillow in the middle of the room.
"Hey, you said to leave, so I left," Death told him with a shrug.
Shadii walked in the room and sat on the pillow, sighing, before meditating.
"This is boring," Death said after two minutes. "Let's go see what Honda's doing."
Zap!
"Oh, Otogi, I love you, I love you!"
(OoO')
"BY ALL THE EGYPTIAN GODS ABOVE AND BELOW, GET US OUT OF HERE!" Death did as asked and they were back at the afterlife. "So...Am I dead or not?"
"Yeah, more or less."
"(o.o) That sucks." Yami sighed and brought out a photo album from nowhere. "You wanna see my pictures from when I was alive?"
"Sure!"
"So, this is when I was Pharaoh and those are my priests..."
(Five hours later...)
"...and Manna, who had a nice chest if I can say so. She and I always stuffed ourselves in pots with each other and it was so much fun."
"(--) This guy's life lasts like five hundred centuries," Death muttered to himself. Ah ha! I know how to take care of this! "Alright, Yami, I've made a decision."
"Huh?" Yami turned to him blankly. He had been having fun showing pictures of his life. And he was only on his fifteenth photo album, too!
"This was actually all a test. You're not really dead! So, you've passed the test and so you can go back home now!"
"Really? Gee, thanks, Death."
"Annyytimmee," Death assured. God I'm going to seriously go insane when he dies again. "See ya."
"Bye!"
X
Yami sat up and the kids that were around him gasped. The paramedics stared at him in shock. The coroner that was there looked startled, too. "Hi!" Yami greeted brightly. "Are we having a party of some kind?"
"GYAHH! I SEE DEAD PEOPLE!" One of the kids ran away screaming. The other children followed and the paramedics and coroner slowly backed away.
"Don't worry, zombie, we, er, come in peace?" One of the paramedics said uneasily.
"Idiot! That's with aliens, not zombies!" The other paramedic hissed.
"Oops. Um, please don't suck our blood?"
"That's vampires!"
"I DON'T WANT TO BE INFECTED!"
"There you go," the coroner and other paramedic said, their thoughts on Resident Evil.
"(o.o) Huh? What are you talking about?" Yami asked, but received no answer as the three men ran from him, frightened he was the living dead. "Ah, oh well." He sauntered away, going across the street and ended up getting hit by a truck.
X
Yami groaned, sitting up and rubbing his head.
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?" Death demanded with a snap to his voice. "I just sent you down there!"
"(o.o) I-I know, but this truck...it came out of no where and..." Yami trailed off, unsure of how to finished his sentence.
"(-.-) Oh, that's just great. You suck, man, you really suck!"
"...So I can't go back?"
"Dammit, no!"
"No matter what?"
"Last time you somehow died from getting hit by a football. This time, if you go back, your body will be so screwed up you don't even know."
"...So that's a no, huh?"
"Yes, Yami, that's a no," Death told him as patiently as he could. Yami sighed.
"Well, that's a big bummer."
"You wanna look at your photo albums some more?" Death asked, not really knowing what else they could do.
"Yeah!"
X
The next day, Kaiba was standing at the coffin of Yami's and was, not surprisingly, glaring at it. Damn you, Yami! You had to hand down all your stupid titles to that gay short, dim-witted asshole, Yuugi, didn't you? AND NOW I CAN'T EVEN SAY THAT I'M GOING TO KILL YOU FOR IT! Kaiba slumped on the coffin, his body trembling with anger. I hate you, you stupid Pharaoh! I hated you when I was a priest, I hate you now, and you can DAMN WELL BET I'LL HATE YOU IN THE AFTERLIFE! Kaiba began to sob in frustration and anger and others looked at him in surprise.
"I didn't know Kaiba felt so strongly about Yami," Isis remarked mildly, wiping her eyes. Bakura smirked and snuck up behind Kaiba, a dagger raised in his hand.
"Then be with him, mwahaha!"
"HUH?" Kaiba whipped around, only to be stabbed to death.
"Ahh! Kaiba!" Anzu shrieked in horror. "Bakura, you killed him!"
"DAMN RIGHT!"
"How could you?"
"Well, you see, I get a dagger," Bakura began, but Anzu interrupted him.
"My lover's gone! Nooo!" Pause. "...Should we get the arrangements for another funeral or not?"
"Meh, why not?" Bakura asked with a shrug.
X
Kaiba stood up, puzzled by the fluffy white place. He walked around and then came upon two figures. "Hey, you idiots, can you tell me – WHAT THE HELL? YAMI?"
"Kaiba?" Yami burst out, jumping to his feet. "How in the world did YOU get here?"
"Bakura stabbed me to death," Kaiba answered in a simplistic manner.
"Ah...Yeah...I always knew he'd probably do something like that once he found out you were putting your ding-dong in Anzu's wing-wang."
(oO'')
"...Riiighht...Anyway, where am I?" Kaiba demanded to know, looking around him.
"It is NOT a world of Ice Cream!" Death snapped at him. "By God, if one more corpse thinks it is, I'll shove my bones so far up their asses, they'll be begging to go to Hell!"
(O.O)...
"So, Yami, whose your friend?" Kaiba queried cautiously, glancing at Death suspiciously.
"Death," Yami replied.
"What of it?"
"No, I mean's he's Death."
"Don't you mean he's dead?"
"No, no, he's Death."
"...Right. Whatever." Kaiba turned to Death. "What's your name?"
"Death."
"Listen, I don't take jokes well – " Kaiba began in a dangerous tone.
"Does the Grim Reaper ring a bell?" Death demanded, irritated.
"Oh. Death."
"Yeah. Death."
"Hey, didn't you say that you've been waiting to send Kaiba to Hell since he was seven?" Yami spoke up curiously.
"Yeah, but apparently God's going easy on the bastard and is deciding to take him here instead!"
"What is here?" Kaiba questioned, crossing his arms across his chest in an arrogant manner.
"The afterlife. I'm not, uh, really clear what it is. I didn't read my job description that well. Er, actually, I didn't read the manual well, either, nor the packet they gave me when I was employed."
"Even this place is run by idiots!" Kaiba roared angrily.
"Don't worry, Kaiba," Yami chirped. "We've always got my photo albums to look over!"
"I'VE ALREADY LOOKED OVER THEM! I had to when I was forced to have you watch Mokuba for those two months! We'd just finished them then! And of course, there had to be a long story to every goddamned picture!"
"WHAT?" Death howled. "NOOOO!"
Meanwhile, God chuckled, watching his least favorite employee be tortured. "Ah, I love my job," he said to himself in content.
End!
X
DIS: Yeah, this was a crappy fic. It's not even funny, but I had to end it with a long, drawn-out chapter with both Yami-kun and my handsome CEO dying! But you have to admit it wasn't that bad for a last chapter. I'm not sure if I'll be continuing with the 'Horrid Day' trilogy, so I won't say to look out for the next one when I'm not sure myself if there will ever be a next one. Oh! And for whoever is reading You Stupid Mutt, the last chapter of that should be up sooner or later. Thanks to all of you who read this short and crappy fic. With that said, please review on your way out! Ciao!
