Hurt- Chapter 4

Rated: T

Postmortem

Chapter Summary: Donnie's intellect serves no purpose in his grief.


Donnie was in unimaginable pain.

His chest felt at any second his throbbing heart would burst forth through his plastron to showcase the grief he was holding inside of him.

As seemingly impossible as it was to the intelligent side of him, it felt appropriate.

Donatello was the smart one. Always had been. Whether it be his vast intellect with reading advanced books at only a year old or creating complex machines and database systems to enhance his and his family's lives at only four - Donnie felt in control. His mind and body as one powerful machine as he tolled away creating new things to expand his every growing intellect and make living in a sewer much more bearable for himself as well as his beloved brothers and father.

During it all, it was only natural to grow less emotional. The genius terrapin tolled it down to remaining calm in crazy situations and brainstorming to deal with things out of his realm. Such as April's lack of affection toward him. Instead of seeing it from a realistic perspective, Donnie looked at it as a challenge. He saw a problem and wanted to fix it.

That's just how he was.

Emotions were things that hurt. When April seemed less than interested, he made sure to put those annoying things called feelings to the back of his mind, allowing his superior intellect to instead work its way around a problem instead of facing it head on.

Pretty much the exact opposite of his immediate older brother.

Raphael was a fighter. Passionate, fueled by emotions - mainly anger - but emotions none-the-less. He ran into situations without any plan, no preemptive strike and Donnie was always the one who had to patch him up afterward. Raph, in his strictly independent "don't need anyone's help" ways would refuse, crudely bandaging his own wounds, but once Splinter saw blood on the carpet or cement from the poorly applied gauze, Raph had no choice but to allow his younger brother to clean and patch up the wound correctly.

Donnie and Raph were polar opposites. Probably the least close of the brothers.

Raph broke things.

Donnie fixed them.

That's just how it always had been.

It wasn't until April came along that Raph seemed purposely out to get him at times. While Donnie loved his red-banded brother dearly, Raph always deterred him from perusing April. At first, Donnie thought his older brother was looking out for him to make sure the pretty redhead wouldn't end up hurting or using him.

After all, Raph was anything but trusting.

It took months before Raphael would allow April to be in a room alone with anyone of his family members without him there to make sure she wouldn't try anything. After awhile, Raph would back off and just allow him to go on his pursuit of April but it wasn't without his scathing deterring words at times; but it wasn't anything Donnie hadn't heard before. So, it might not surprise anyone that when Splinter chose Raphael to train April over him - utter disdain took over.

Of course, Splinter explained vastly later to him alone that Raphael wouldn't go easy on her and that was the only reason he'd chosen his brash, hotheaded brother over himself to train her. Donnie was confused for the first time in his life. Wasn't going easy on her the point? April was thin and frail compared to the turtle brothers; not to mention, Raph was a brute. Donnie was absolutely petrified Raphael would hurt her with his harsh training techniques and his propensity to get easily frustrated with any situation he had little to no control over.

That's when Donnie watched them train.

It shocked him to realize that while his normally hotheaded brother was forceful at times, Raphael was fair and would never purposely hurt the young woman. He still knocked her to the mat a couple dozen times but never intentionally hurt her - only providing the training he knew she could take - and April would get right back up and ask for more. It was over this time that April and Raph began growing closer, much to Donnie's dismay. Escalating to the point where the redhead began purposely seeking out the hotheaded terrapin where the two would spend time doing activities such as watching horrifically awful movies and waste time playing video games of all things. April's days of sitting in his lab and helping him on projects was waning to a near stop and Donnie didn't like it one bit.

But again, his feelings got pushed to the side, yet instead of confronting the situation like Raphael would - Donnie was more passive-aggressive about his dislike of the situation; purposefully avoiding his brother, giving him the cold shoulder. If Raphael noticed this, he didn't say anything - just went on with his life as Donnie wallowed in his own self pity. A deep seeded regret burrowed forth like nothing he'd ever felt before - knowing the last few months he'd avoided his big brother, treating him less than pleasantly just because he was training April - and now...

Raphael was dead.

The blow to his chest felt physical when he dug his fingers into his brother's cold neck. His fingers fruitlessly searching for a drum of life underneath his shaking hand. He'd been calm the entire time. He tried to look at the injury on his brother from a doctor's standpoint. Tried to tell himself this was a mortal wound that even if he had been there within seconds, there was still minimal chance it would have had a different outcome. His jugular was severed and his brother bled out in moments.

Suddenly, his vision blurred and this unbearable raw feelings began growing in his chest as he looked down at his unresponsive brother. Feelings he'd shoved down his entire life began rising to the surface without a dam to stop them. Tears began dripping down his face but he forced himself to remain calm. His palms itched and his chest ached, but he knew now was not the time or place to fall apart.

Brown eyes meeting the blue of his oldest brother shook him. Leo's eyes were cold - empty, and they were directed toward the shaking April held in Michelangelo's trembling grasp.

There might have been tremendous noise around him, but Donnie heard nothing. Just the sound of his own pulse, blood rushing through his ears as he took in his new reality.

Looking down again, the pulsating only intensified.

Raphael.

His brother, friend, family...was dead...

There was no patching him up. There was no CPR to restart his heart and breath; he was cold, stiff, and gray...

Gone.

Donnie started shaking. His body and mind refusing this new reality. Refusing to believe that there wasn't a way he couldn't save his brother. There had to be a way even if everything in his mind told him that he was too late.

The drive back to the lair was a blur. He didn't remember Leo taking Raphael's body from his arms, didn't remember picking up an unconscious April and taking her to the van. Didn't recall Leo taking him out from his arms or Splinter falling apart before helping him take the body into the lab.

The lab.

Donnie spent ninety percent of his free time in here. Surrounding him was the beautiful sight of squeaky clean beakers and vast array of various chemicals. Spare parts made with every material imaginable to create something completely new. Computers and hardware systems to design new programming he'd meticulously create. Seeing all these beautiful things laid out just waiting for him used to fill him with joy and the ability to dream up endless possibilities...

...Now it was a morgue...

Donnie's mind suddenly shot to the present - where Splinter had just departed and left the genius terrapin alone in front of a blood-soaked body loosely covered with a stained sheet. Almost subconsciously, he pulled back the cloth from Raph's face and felt a tremor go through his plastron; seeing his brother on a cold steel gurney with a huge slit across his throat was never a thought that crossed his mind.

Yeah, they'd dealt with hell before but nothing like this...

They'd dealt with endless humans, monsters, and mutants that wanted them dead - but they always seemed to make it out okay. For the strongest of his brothers to be taken out on a relatively quiet side of town by a random foot soldier seemed nothing more than a hellish nightmare.

Donnie choked down feelings of anger, hurt, and unimaginable grief to do what he did best.

Patching up his brother.

It was like he was on auto-pilot. Splinter tended to Mikey, who had became an emotional wreck. Sobs and screams that would otherwise never get through the sound barrier of his lab leaked through in crystal clarity. Donnie was gentle yet methodical as he washed his brother's still, cold body of the dried blood, the amount shook him - both at the scene and what was still remaining attached to his skin. He knew Raphael bled out most of it - since there was hardly that leaked out upon the table. Yet Donnie continued; purposed and skilled hands erasing the signs of trauma, the red liquid draining until clear water was all that remained.

Once the blood was removed, Donnie stared at the wound that ended his brother's life.

It was deep slit. Probably 4 inches across and 1 inch deep. Easily identifying the main artery that had been severed as well as his trachea, leaving him to bleed out in probably only two minutes.

Knowing his brother didn't suffer long didn't ease his pain in the least.

Donnie just couldn't understand how this happened. Raphael was anything but careless. He could be just as methodical about training as Donnie was about getting the anti-mutagen just perfectly. While brazen and hotheaded, Raph was strong and sharp. Raph wouldn't be as careless as to not notice a shuriken flying at him with deadly precision.

It just didn't make sense...

Moments later, Donnie felt himself still staring at the wound, pulling his eyes away and heading to gather a few supplies. He pulled out a thin needle and some surgeon wire from a nearby drawer. Making his way back to the gurney, Donnie's heart sunk into his feet.

For long moments, he just stared at his brother. It shook him to realize for the first time how quiet it'd been. How still he was. Raphael was the epitome of energy; always doing something and to see him so still...it just became overwhelming...like he'd been hit by a train...

Donnie's mind rationalized that the adrenaline of the situation was wearing off, that emotions were rising and he needed to push them down before they got out of hand; but all the could think about is the last few months - how he purposely avoided his older brother. How he'd wasted so much time by being angry at his red-banded brother for no reason - losing out on so many memories he could have made; words he could and should have said. Searching for the last time he'd ever told his older brother that he loved him...how he'd do anything at this moment just to have a chance to say it to him...just one last time...

...but it was too late.

A heartbreaking sob escaped from between his lips and it all fell apart.

Years of holding everything back. Allowing his mind to control his heart, bottling up things his heart felt but mind would ignore. Seeing his brother he loved so much lying so still - knowing he was dead - realizing he'd never, ever see him again shut his mind down entirely.

Donnie screamed, throwing the supplies to the ground as the genius terrapin crumbled on top of his brother's plastron. Pushing his face into Raphael's still chest, Donnie finally allowed himself to fall apart for the first time in his life.

"I'm sorry, Raph... I-I can't fix this..." he sobbed into his skin;wanting to say so much more, but his cries overtook any other words that may have formed. The pain was raw and festering, his body heaving with emotion he had never before experienced and he was terrified that this was only the beginning...