Hurt - Chapter 8
Abeyance
Rated: T
Chapter Summary: Everyone begins to realize that things will never truly be the same...
Heavy padded steps were not disguised in the least as they continued to their destination; stopping right in front of a waist tall metal gurney and a body covered in a crisp white sheet. Breaths were short and labored, paws shaking as they laid down a few sticks of incense and a candle on a nearby table.
Splinter took a few calming breaths through his mouth before he gingerly pulled back the cloth from his son's face - the shock from seeing Raphael in this state nearly brought him to his knees. As much as he wanted to collapse and break down, he stayed calm; his mind a torrent of emotion as he went through a ritual he'd remembered from what seemed like centuries ago. A time in Japan; a similar ceremony he'd had for his late father and mother; a way to honor a life and give them guidance for the next.
Never did the elderly rat think he'd ever have to perform it again.
After the death of his beloved Tang Shen and the disappearance of Miwa, Splinter had become a different man. He'd dealt with his lover's death and daughter's disappearance in stride; his anger and thoughts of finding his daughter keeping him going for only a short time. Recalling so many moments he wanted to give up and the time he nearly did was when he found those four small turtles in the sewer, swimming in a radioactive substance, that his body and whole world began to change; almost as quickly as they had.
Those four boys all uniquely different yet the same in many aspects. Their bodies changing and growing rapidly; taking their first steps, words forming, and personalities blossoming forth. It was a difficult but rewarding time to say the least.
Each of them swiftly and completely stole his heart; an accomplishment Hamoto Yoshi would never believe could happen after losing his wife and daughter. Yet, these four beautiful little turtles gave him the chance to love again; to pass on his ninjitsu and carry on his legacy...and have four sons to cherish him just the same.
Leonardo always followed his instructions like a finely oiled machine; so dedicated and determined to make him proud. His quest for perfection made it only natural that he chose him to became the leader of the group.
Donatello was a creative sort; always finding new ways to do things and while not the best at ninjitsu, Splinter soon realized Donnie had a different gift. One that allowed him to create and invent things that would help the whole family thrive in the sewers they were forced to inhabit.
Michelangelo was a fun one; his unending joy and humor always putting a smile on his face; the presence of the smallest of the turtles always warmed his heart...even if his pranks were not always welcomed with the same smile.
Then there was Raphael. When he was very young, he was clingy yet always seemed to need far more attention than his brothers with the trouble he always found himself getting into. As affectionate as Raphael was as a very young child, he was the first to spur affection, instead, relying on his anger and stubborn independence to get him through training, patrol, or life in general. He was the most difficult to raise of his children but it only made Splinter more determined to raise him right. It took a lot of patience until Splinter found a way to make Raphael harness his inner rage to his benefit; using said anger as a weapon rather than a crutch to lean on. It wasn't easy but was very rewarding in the end for Raphael grew to be the strong one whom Splinter never worried about; always fiercely protecting his brothers and showcasing a loyalty the elderly master never would have believed his hotheaded son to possess.
The ninjitsu master's heart lurched, having to look away from his son to grab the items he'd brought. With shaking hands, he lit the incense; the once soothing aroma felt like black smoke in his burning lungs and laid the small sticks in a holder before pressing his hands together in prayer. He spoke words, verses, and prayers that felt empty; it was like he was on auto-pilot, saying and doing things just out of sheer obligation... He didn't want to feel at all right now, because when he did, it would be devastating; knowing deep in his heart that he would never recover from such a loss. When the final verse crossed his lips, the elderly rat opened his eyes and gazed solemnly at his son lying just so unbelievably still on a table. He recalled his son always so full of life; never fully being able to stay in one place for long, the energy he always radiated, and the aura he exhumed. Seeing him lifeless; knowing for certain he'd never have another chance just to speak with him, punish or lecture him, or even just pat him on the shell and say just how proud he was of him...
Splinter suddenly found himself struggling to breath, knees feeling so incredibly weak as his paws moved of their own accord, gently cradling his son, an arm wedged between his nape and his shell; the other cupping his face. Cradling him much like Splinter remembered doing so many years ago; that little turtle with the biggest green eyes and fiery spirit that would jump into his arms and grab at his whiskers. The rebellious little tyke who always looked out for his brothers but wouldn't hesitate to pound each of them into the mat. Who grew up short in stature yet had a heart and loyalty that far outgrew his physicality; the one that Splinter always counted on to watch out for his family. A trait Splinter would never have believed came from the same turtle who was once so difficult to train and manage. How Raphael grew into such a loyal young man; the anger and stubbornness being used to help him in battle rather than deter him.
A thin claw gently skirted across the turtle's sharp cheekbone, padded fingers trembling in realization of just how cold his skin was. A lump clogged his throat as he stared at his second oldest child; fathoming the reality he found himself in. Knowing for certain that he wasn't coming back; this wasn't just some hellish vision...Raphael was dead. The guilt eating away in his gut when he recalled how uncertain his son was about April going on patrol yet Splinter insisted upon it. Everything inside of him lurched when he acknowledged that Raphael was right...April wasn't ready and it was as if he'd sent him to his death...As easy as it would be to blame Miss April like his eldest did; Splinter knew if there was anyone to blame, it would be himself... Yet deep in his soul, he knew Raphael wouldn't.
A small smile that turned into a grimace on his face as he recalled his son, picturing and even hearing him saying, "It's not your fault, dad." with nothing more than a shake of his head, shrug of his shoulders, and arms crossed stubbornly over his chest.
"...I am so proud of you, my son..." Hamato Yoshi's chest heaved and he let out a debilitating sob before burying his face into his son's frigid shoulder; the most uncomfortable pull in his soul as he allowed himself to fall apart...only this once.
The drive was silent, the only sounds that were perceived were the tires treading over the asphalt and the whoosh of other cars zooming by. The air in the vehicle was stagnant with the smell of blood; the coppery scent imprinted in Donnie's nose. It was a smell he never cared for and knowing it was from his late-brother just made it worse; the stain on the floor of the Shellraiser would never leave even after being washed away; much like the imprint of his older brother's death...
"...Donnie?" April's voice rung out suddenly; the small raspy sound almost lost to the commotion occurring outside the vehicle.
The genius terrapin remained quiet; his throat was completely raw and he was just so tired... His body begging for sleep just to get out of reality for just a moment. Everything inside of him hoping this was all just some demented fever-dream caused by way too many late nights and too many cups of cold coffee. But then flashes of images of his own fingers shaking while plunging a needle and surgical wire into skin; sewing that gaping gash on his brother's neck closed after washing the cold body of the vast amount of blood that came out of it. The feel of his brother's frigid skin when he buried his face into his shoulder and begging him to come back even if he knew it was futile...The acidic bile rising in his throat to acknowledge the fact his big brother was dead and never coming back... So many questions as to what occurred and Leo's absence just all came to a head when a voice rang out again.
"Don?"
Donatello didn't answer, a barely perceived shake of his head hopefully indicating to the redhead that he was in no mood to speak. The calm demeanor that was awash over his body the only thing keeping him from outright sobbing uncontrollably until his voice was gone and his tears ran out much like what happened last night.
"I'm so sorry, Donnie... I-I never imagined this would happen..." April sobbed brokenly and the sound of it would normally rip his heart out, but he just felt numb. "P-P-Please talk to me, I..."
"Not now, April." he spoke and his throat screamed at the use of his voice.
"Donnie?"
"Not. Now." the reiterated, his eyes blurring as he adamantly kept his eyes glued to the road.
April grew quiet, her shuddering breaths and sniffles were ignored as Donnie approached her apartment she shared with her father. He parked near the entrance and put the Shellraiser into park and waited silently for her to exit the vehicle. His eyes watching the people walking along the brightly lit sidewalk; the fact he was driving around this vehicle during the day didn't bother him now. He witnessed the happy faces, people conversing and acting as if everything was perfect in their world as his just continued to crumble further in on him.
Donatello waited for the sound of her door opening and closing signaling her departure, but it never came. Brown eyes watched solemnly as two boys (most likely brothers) chased each other along the sidewalk; the image of it causing him to swallow a sudden lump that clogged his throat. The anguish in his chest just hurt so badly and he valiantly ignored it even as April's eyes refused to leave his face.
"We're here. You can go." he spoke and the words sounded grating to his own ears.
"Donnie, please I..." April cried, reaching and the second her fingers made contact with his arm, he retreated as if burned.
"Please just GO!" he shouted, tears that were so adamant to stay in his eyes now trailed down his cheeks.
"..."
"April, please... Leo's AWOL, Mikey and Splinter are a mess, and I just had to sew my brother's neck back together!" he screamed, still refusing to look at her as he white-knuckled the steering wheel in shaking hands. "I don't want to talk about it! Just GO! I'm sorry, but...please... just go..."
The silence that blanketed over them could be cut with a knife; but it was soon broken when the sound of her door opening and closing signaled her departure. He didn't even wait to see if she made it inside okay before pulling away from the sidewalk. Somewhere inside of him he hated that he had to treat April like that but another part of him didn't care in the least. The only thing he cared about at this moment was finding Leonardo; so when he was at a stoplight, he tapped into Leo's t-phone signal and was determined to bring him home because if they were going to make it through this...they needed to remain together.
