Hurt - Chapter 14
Keepsakes
Rated: T
Chapter Summary: Mikey has a final gift to give his big brother.
"Mikey?" Donatello asked curiously, seeing the youngest brother sitting on Raphael's bed and fidgeting with a strand of black leather in his hand. "Hey, Mikey...what are you doing?" he continued, noticing the square of fabric removed from one of Mikey's short mask tails; as well as the one that had been taken out of his own without him knowing about it until he felt a missing piece while nervously wringing the purple fabric just ten minutes ago.
"Making something for Raphie..." he replied, his voice small and hoarse from all the crying he'd...they'd all been doing this past week.
Donatello walked further into the room and gently fingered the small tail of his brother's mask, causing Mikey to gaze up at him.
"You needed pieces of our masks for it?" Donnie asked softly before lowering next to his brother, ignoring it was Raphael's bed he was now sitting upon. The last thing he wanted to do was fall apart in front of Mikey when the youngest turtle had finally stopped crying for now.
"...Yeah... I know I should have asked first, but...I dunno...I just wanted to do this for Raph...and I knew you guys wouldn't mind." Mikey admitted, finally showing Donatello what he'd been working on.
Donnie took in the leather band, the strands crisscrossed into a knotted chord, the pieces of masks he'd taken, minus Leo's of course, but it appeared there was a piece of blue fabric (was that from one of the curtains?) in place of it. They were finely intertwined into the leather to showcase the different color masks...and what appeared to also be a part of Splinter's kimono, April's shirt, and Casey's bandanna. Donatello didn't question where he'd gotten each of the fabrics even if he wanted to; instead, he admired it for what it was, for it was rather beautiful.
"Since we're taking him to Northampton soon, I just wanted him to have a little piece of us...You know, in case he gets lonely when we have to leave him there all alone..." Mikey muttered before the small turtle's face fell and he dropped the bracelet onto his lap and began sobbing quietly into shaking hands.
Donnie tensed at the words but enveloped his baby brother, rubbing smooth circles in his carapace and fighting the burning in his eyes in an attempt to calm Mikey. He needed to be strong now - since Splinter rarely left the dojo since Leo had disappeared and leaving the rest of them alone to grieve, Donnie had to step up as a leader. A position he never wanted and frankly, didn't deserve. He hated it right now - he hated having to pick up the shattered remains of his family as well as his own heart. The pain was unbearable most of the time.
Raphael dying was nothing he could have prepared for. He was taken so brutally and quickly, none of them could have imagined how much of an impact it would have. His death left such a big hole that could never be filled again... If anything, it was only expanding into his dark abyss of which none of them would never recover...
Donnie held Mikey tighter against his plastron, ignoring the sting of tears desperately trying to leak from his eyes, but he wouldn't dare let them fall. Not until he was alone.
Instead, he began speaking to Mikey just words he hoped would comfort him, "I think it's wonderful, Mikey. R-Raph's gonna love it."
"...Y-You think so?" Mikey sniffed, slightly pulling away to wipe his nose with his arm.
"Yeah..."Donnie replied, smiling at his youngest brother and brushing away the remaining tears that clung to his freckled cheeks. "When you're done and only if you want to, I'll let you put it on his wrist, okay? Only if you want. If not, I'd be happy to do it for you, okay Mikey?"
The youngest brother looked down, grabbing the small nearly finished leather cord in his hand. He stared at it for a long time, fingering the different colors ranging from burgundy to light yellow. "...I think I wanna do it..."
"Sure. Of course. Only if your certain though, Mike..."
"I am...Y-You think I can take a few pieces from his mask and make more of these for us? So he can always be with us...even when he's so far away?" Mikey asked suddenly, big blue eyes staring into his brother's chocolate brown.
"...I think he'd like that." Donnie replied with a smile, leaning down to nuzzle his nose against his forehead. He pulled the smallest turtle in for a hug and didn't care as a few tears slid down his cheeks and atop his brother's head.
Mikey was quiet as he followed Donatello into the lab, the frigid air hitting him quickly before Donnie swiftly shut the door behind them. Brown eyes scanned over the youngest turtle, searching for any signs of hesitation on his face or in his body language, but there were none.
The smallest turtle was firm and sturdy in his movements, finished leather cord in his steady hands as he walked further into the lab.
Donnie would be lying if he said he wasn't apprehensive about Mikey seeing Raphael's body. While not decomposing in the least because of the room and chamber he'd put him in kept his body in limbo, it was still a shock to see Raph like this - even for him who had to wash, suture, and see his body several times a day by this point. But the strength Mikey had showcased this past week was unlike nothing like he'd ever seen. Donnie admitted he'd underestimated his little brother and he wouldn't dare make that mistake again.
"Raph's in here." Donnie spoke softly, walking to an adjoining room which he'd turned into a industrial freezer of sorts.
The youngest turtle shuttered at the frigid air but otherwise, his steps quiet as he followed his purple-banded brother until they stood in front of a gurney.
Mikey swallowed down the sudden lump in his throat as he took in the white sheet covering what was obviously his brother's body. The fabric crisp and clean unlike the blood stained one they wrapped him with before. Some moments like this one, it still felt surreal - none of it fit into reality that his brother was really gone - but Mikey muscled through it. Puffing out his chest much like Raphael would, knowing his big brother would want him to be strong.
Donnie glanced to his brother and saw the flicker of various emotions play across Mikey's face as he stared at the still covered body. His own doubts and apprehension at Michelangelo seeing something so traumatic once again began plauging his mind...it might even start his grieving process all over again.
"You don't have to do this, Mike..." Donnie quietly reiterated, wanting to give the youngest brother an out but still wanting his own decisions to be made as well even if he didn't agree.
"No. I want to." he replied quickly and assuredly, grasping the band he'd made in a tight fist.
"Okay." Donnie said, losing his hesitance, he began reaching over and gingerly pulling off the sheet from his dead brother's face and uncovering his right arm until both were uncovered
Mikey held his breath as the sheet was removed and couldn't help but flinch when he saw Raphael's lifeless face. The tears that burned the back of his eyes ever since he stepped foot into the lab lingered on his bottom lids; threatening to spill over and onto his cheeks. He swallowed back bile that rose at seeing his beloved brother lying so still; skin dark, grayish green and devoid of any semblance of life. The thick white gauze wrapped in a thick layer around his neck covering the wound that abruptly ended his life.
Raph didn't look like he was sleeping as he liked to imagined...he looked dead and it made him sick.
Yet, Mikey remained strong...
Letting out his breath, creating a white cloud of mist in the frigid air, he walked closer to the gurney under the ever watchful gaze of Donatello.
"Hey, Raphie..." Mikey began, fingering the bracelet. "I made something for you. I hope you like it." Blue eyes fell to his brother's hand, slack and palm up upon the folded white sheet.
Donnie noticed Mikey's hesitation and stepped forward, gingerly grasping Raph's hand. Rigimortis had faded and his body was mostly limp if a tad stiffened from the frigid air.
Mike saw Donnie's actions and slowly cradled his brother's limp hand in his own; the skin waxy and icy cold. It felt like nothing like his hand had in life; the second he touched it, he wanted to drop it, but he didn't. Tears that puddled in his eyes started to fall as he began clumsily wrapping the bracelet around his brother's thick wrist.
Donnie wanted to tell Mikey to allow him help, but his tongue remained still.
Once Mikey's shaking fingers finally closed the clasp, he readjusted the band so the colors would remain upright. Holding and pressing his brother's hand close to his chest; heart hammered into his plastron as his eyes gravitated back to Raphael's face. The only sound that punctuated the silence was the sound of his blood pounding through his ears and his own labored breaths. Heart a torrential sea of grief and agony as he stared at his brother; wishing praying this was all still a bad dream...but feeling his cold skin and seeing his unresponsive face diminished all those hopes in their icy waves. Looking down at the bracelet, he grasped firmly at Raph's hand and only one thing he could do came to mind.
"I love you, Raphie." he whimpered, gently placing down the hand and making a beeline for the door before sprinting out of the lab at a breakneck pace; leaving Donatello to stare helplessly after the youngest turtle.
Donnie let out a sigh and he was about to cover up Raphael before going after his brother when his eyes fell on the red mask tied around his face. Wanting to honor Mikey's request, especially after what he just went through, the genius reached for a pair of scissors and wordlessly cut a few squares of fabric from the long tattered tails. Once finished, he was about to cover his brother up, his hands froze for a moment as he looked at his big brother.
"I love you too, Raph..." the words barely a whisper before he pulled the white sheet back over the body and turning off the lights before leaving the lab.
Chest aching and body trembling with no end in sight, Mikey could do little more than bury his face into Raphael's pillow. The scent of his brother still strong even with the soaking of tears it received this past week.
The smell was comforting.
If he closed his eyes, he could still pretend Raphael was there in another room on on patrol but would return soon to yell at him to get out of his bed. The thought alone caused a fresh stab of agony to pierce his heart for the second he closed his eyes, he saw his brother again; instead of him alive it was of the image he just saw of him lying so unbelievably still in that freezing room.
Swallowing back another sob that desperately wanted to escape, Mikey laid back upon the worn comforter, burrowing himself into his brother's bed and closing his eyes. Sleep had become almost therapeutic for him; the escape from reality where none of this was real was the only thing keeping his sanity in check. When Mikey used to hate going to sleep in lieu of staying up to do things but now they provided a departure from reality where his big brother was gone. For the hours he stayed asleep, he could almost believe it never happened...but then he awoke...
Sometimes he wished he'd just fall asleep and never wake up; just to stay in a dream where his brother was still there. Green eyes alight and a smirk taking permanent residence upon his face; giving him playful noogies or chasing him down after a prank or just to mess with him. If he stayed asleep, perhaps none of what happened this past week was real; he'd live in those years before that dreadful night took place and just permanently stay there.
Mikey was so caught up in his thoughts he didn't even hear or sense Donatello entering the room and sitting on the edge of the bed. The only indication he was there was a lightly nasal breath and a steady hand placed upon his shoulder. If the touch was firmer, he could almost trick himself that it was Raphael...except his hotheaded brother would have already ripped the covers off and pulled him out the bed and been chasing him around the lair by now...
"Mikey?" Donnie asked gently, pulling ever so lightly at the blanket that covered his younger brother's face.
Michelangelo didn't want to answer; hoping Donnie would just leave him be but another side of him craved; needed comfort he knew his genius brother would give. Stuck between wanting to get caught up in dreams or lose his mind to reality was a hard pill to swallow. Nothing in his life prepared him for losing his big brother; he'd always expected him to be there, to have him around...and the rug was pulled out from under him; flinging him into this dark, endless sea of grief and despair with no boat and no paddle; not even water-wings in hopes of treading its massive waves.
Forced to live in his world where his brother simply did not exist anymore; leaving an empty shell, few possessions, and fading memories in the hearts and minds of those who loved him most. It would be easy, too easy just to sleep and never wake up; to lay down and die in his wallowing grief and sorrow, but one thought kept it above the surface; and that was Raphael.
His older brother would not approve of these thoughts; probably would smack him upside the head and told him to "snap out of it!" Raphael was the symbol of perseverance; going on when everything seemed an impossible wall to scale. Raphael never gave up and Mikey would be dishonoring his memory if he gave up now; and more importantly, Raphael would never want that.
Taking a deep breath, Mikey finally pulled the covers off his face and saw the overwhelming emotion in Donnie's brown eyes. Tears he was so adamant to hold back were trailing down in long tracks down his face. Donatello was suffering just as much as he was if not more; for Mikey had outlets, he had Donnie and Splinter to comfort him while his genius brother suffered in silence.
"You okay, Mikey?" Donnie asked when the youngest turtle sat up, the genius gently rubbing a hand along his carapace in a symbol of comfort that Mikey needed so much right now.
"No..." he sniffled, "...but I will be..."
Mikey didn't speak further as Donnie procured a small baggie full of red-fabric squares and handed it to the youngest turtle. Hands shaking as he reached out to grab them, Mikey stared at them for a long time. A vivid memory flashing in his mind's eye of the day Splinter first masked them all; he recalled being slightly jealous that Raphael got red when it was his favorite color but there was something about his hotheaded brother that fit the color better. While the color of fire, blood, and anger, there was a warmth to it as well; it meant danger, strength, and power, but also emotionally intense, signifying love; the fierce protectiveness that Raphael had for all of them. While Raph was not one to speak his emotions, he showed them other ways and Mikey never doubted for a second that his big brother loved him.
An almost smile rose on his lips as he cradled the baggie close to his chest. "Thanks, Donnie." he whimpered, wiping frantically at a few tears that escaped.
"No problem, Mikey. I can't wait to see what they look like when you finish making them." the older brother soothed, running a hand along the youngest turtle's head.
"I'll get started soon." he replied, surprising the older turtle as his arms suddenly wrapped as far as they could go around Donnie's torso.
Donnie froze for a moment, a torrent of jittery nerves soothed as he returned the hug. The brothers were silent as night as they held one another; each in turn just finding optimum comfort in this moment. So many questions without enough answers and while it was too easy to lose themselves to the grief they were battling, they knew together, they could get through it...one moment at a time.
