Hurt - Chapter 16

Rated: T

Fragments

Chapter Summary: It's the night before the funeral and the group are unsure of how to handle anything anymore. Also, April confronts the one thing she never wanted to or even believed she'd ever have to...


Arriving at Northampton at breaking dawn, everyone was exhausted physically, emotionally, and mentally. A lull of silence as Splinter and Donatello were the ones to move the containment unit, holding Raphael's body, into the garage. April guided Michelangelo into the house as her father helped the elderly rat and genius terrapin set up and power up the generator into the garage where the body would remain until further notice. April and Mikey rested in the dusty living room awaiting the others; spending only half an hour until they were joined by the three other occupants. Their next goal was clear: make Northampton livable again.

Kirby and Donatello were tasked with setting up the electricity to the house and turning on the water while the other three went about cleaning up the cabin. An eerie silence throughout the house as they all cleaned the area. Removing thick dust off furniture that hadn't been used since April had lived there as a young girl, washing linens and floors that hadn't been slept in or stepped on for nearly a decade. It was a somber atmosphere to say the least. Only noises were of vacuums and dustpans around the house, the swishing wet noises of the mop on the kitchen echoing like a bomb going off in the house. Once the majority of it was clean and in order, everyone wasn't really sure to do with themselves; going upstairs to pick out rooms to sleep in was hardly time-consuming.

They were beginning to settle in, Splinter gingerly informed the occupants that the funeral would be held the next morning and after the news was delivered, a decisive quietness surrounded the group thereafter. Five occupants tirelessly walking about the cabin and the surrounding areas; mostly just to waste time and keep minds occupied from the reality none of which wanted to accept. It only got worse once the day went on and the sun grew closer to the horizon; night would soon be upon them.

Kirby had arrived back at the farm around 4 with food and a few necessities he'd picked up at the general store a couple miles away. Entering the living room, the tension could be pierced with a knife. The atmosphere all-encompassing and downright melancholy as the group sat on the sparse couches staring blankly at the bright flashing lights of the nearly mute television. It was obvious Donnie had hooked up some kind of satellite to get more channels but his effort was in vain for the one they watched seemed to be one of the only local ones available with its bad video quality and garbling sound.

Kirby quietly walked through the living area with a deep sigh, entering the kitchen and placing the bags upon the counter and his heart nearly gave out when a hand appeared at his shoulder. Blue eyes taking in his daughter who stood awkwardly at his side.

"Hey, April. D-Did you need something?" Kirby asked, moving his arm to wrap around her thin shoulders.

"Do you think Mrs. Sanders still lives around here?" April asked, the name of the woman who constantly gardened, not one he heard in what may as well have been a lifetime ago.

"If she's still alive, I'd believe so. Stubborn lady wouldn't move away from here unless they drug her out in chains." Kirby replied with a forced chuckle, hating how April flinched at the noise. His smile fell at seeing just how broken his daughter was...

"You think tomorrow we could go buy some flowers from her?"

"Sure, I-I think that'd be great idea, April."

"Yeah..." April replied, looking down and toying with the black and red bracelet wrapped around her wrist.

Kirby wanted to comfort her; take her in his arms and hope to alleviate some of the pain she was experiencing but he knew it would be for not. What she needed was time and he hoped it was a good a healer as people claimed...even if he himself didn't believe in the validity. The ache of his wife's absence still haunted him even after more than ten years: it just something that quite never goes away even if it gets a little easier.

"Thanks." April spoke a moment later before she walked back to the living room without even giving her father the chance to reply.


April was beside herself with grief. She couldn't stand seeing Mikey so distraught and Splinter appearing as if he aged 10 more years in just a week. Donnie was skiddish and avoided everyone like the plague, only speaking when spoken to and always wandering off when he didn't have to watch after Mikey...and there was still no sign of Leo... Her dad was going about shopping and cooking leaving her little to do to keep her mind occupied.

It had become too much for her; opting to hole herself up in her room, she cried. The guilt wedged in her gut had not budged, she feared it would remain there for the rest of her life. This was all her fault... Raphael was gone and wasn't coming back; this wasn't some demented nightmare or some form of purgatory, this was her new reality and she couldn't come to grips with it.

Rubbing her teary face into her damp pillow, she shot up for the second she closed her eyes. Instead of the comfort of blackness, it was all she saw anymore: One of her best friends dead in her arms, the blood staining his body and the ground, the sensation of the warm liquid ghosting over her hands. It was like a phantom pain; not there anymore, but she could still feel it.

It was becoming too much to bear; she hadn't been able to sleep or eat much at all since he died...

Giving up seemed so easy but it was wrong. Raphael died saving her miserable life and for what? Her just to curl up and wait for death... That would be the greatest disrespect she could fathom...

But it just hurt so MUCH...

She missed him, the absence of Raphael was so great it nearly took her breath away; never did she even imagine what living her life without him there would be like. It'd only been a week...she couldn't even fathom the rest of her life like this... Not realizing just how much he meant to her until the moment he took his final breath in her arms. Didn't recall how much she'd grown to care, to treasure, to love him and his irreplaceable friendship. Missing everything about him; dry sarcastic humor, bright green eyes, how his eye would twitch when he got especially mad, and of course, that smug smirk he was rarely seen without.

Something akin to a smile tickled the edges of her lips as she recalled it.

The funeral growing close April knew what she had to do. Confront something she didn't want to; she wanted to live the rest of her life believing that Raphael just left - took off somewhere else to live out his life. That he wasn't dead; just gone, happy and accepted somewhere other than here but she knew those lies wouldn't last. Whenever she closed her eyes, they were irrevocably shattered. He wasn't just AWOL, he wasn't just missing or a runaway...he was dead and would never be coming back...and she needed to confront it and the fact she was the one who caused it.

With a resolute sigh, April arose and left her room.

The young woman stood near the stairs for a long time; questioning why she'd left her room for she still had trouble being around his family. Not wanting to disturb the small iota of peace they found, she was drawn outside. The cool dusk air was not as calming on her nerves as she'd hoped. As she walked along the property, her eyes fell upon the garage. Recalling Splinter and Donnie speaking about preparing Raphael's body for the funeral tomorrow; the ache that developed in her soul couldn't be ignored. There were so many things going through her mind; so much guilt and sorrow eating her alive. So many things she wished she told Raphael while he was still alive...

Never getting that chance took precedent above all else. Without realizing her feet were already moving, she'd found herself in front of the garage door and opening it.


"Hey Donnie."April whispered from the doorway, his movements halted in his tracks. Donatello been doing last minute preparations for tomorrow and she was the last person he expected to see.

"Hey." he responded easily; knowing how much him and his family owed her for giving them a priceless gift of a beautiful place to bury his brother and even a home. In hindsight, he regretted treating her the way he did since Raphael's death and knew he owed her an apology but that would have to wait for another time. "D-Do you need anything, April?" Donnie continued, pulling a bit away from the gurney as he readied himself to lead her out of the garage; still not knowing why she was here where his deceased brother's body was stored. Donnie didn't look at her either, mostly in fear she'd see the tears clinging to his bottom lids; he was trying to be strong but it was getting harder by the day.

"I just...wanted to see him...one last time..." she whimpered, not disguising her sobs in the least.

Donnie's eyes widened at her words and the pain lacing her voice. "April, I don't know if that's such a good-" he said quickly turning to look at her for the first time during this conversation.

"Please. I-I'd rather not have the last image I have of him laying there completely covered in his own blood... I just...I...can I see him?...Please?" she begged, hot tears rolling in small streams down her face.

Donnie took a deep breath, her request going over in his mind; he was awaiting for Splinter to do the final wrapping at dawn right before the funeral. He'd taken him from the containment unit to prepare him for burial so all that covered his brother was a loose white sheet; this may well be her last chance to see him. He wasn't sure if he should be allowing her, but hearing her and seeing just how distraught she was made up his mind for him. Biting his lip, he gave her a terse nod; her soft steps coming toward him to stand beside him.

April was beside him in a moment, standing in front of his brother's body on the steel gurney. There was resolute silence and no movement for a long while when he spoke again.

"...D-Do you want me to leave?" Donnie asked, chest aching as he watched her suddenly move to touch his brother; her small shaking hands as they rested upon his covered arm.

The redhead just shook her head 'no' in response, tears that clung to her bottom lashes landing upon the white sheet; making small gray circles in the fabric. Those same hands trembled fiercely as she moved to pull back the fabric, her hands freezing upon barely lifting it. Donnie wanted to tell her to stop that she should remember him from pictures in life and the memories they had of him but the genius knew she probably needed closure as much as any of them.

"I'm sorry." she whispered, "Y-You're right. I-I probably should be alone."

"It's fine. I'll be outside if you need me okay?"

"Thank you." she whispered and he was gone, the quiet click of the door the only thing signifying his departure.


April still had yet to pull the sheet back; terrified of seeing him like this. Her mind going back to last week; Raphael full of life, green eyes sparkling, smirking, laughing, cracking sarcastic lines...like he should be now instead of the grim reality she stared down at... Closing her eyes, all she saw was him laying so limp, cold and still in her arms; red crimson staining his face, chest, and his blood pooling underneath... Even through the sheet, his skin was frigid as ice; her hands softly grasping at his motionless arm.

April's blue eyes slid back open, preparing herself for whatever she was going to see. In one swift motion, she'd uncovered him down to his waist. For the first few moments, she forced herself to look at him; ignoring how her chest was shaking, legs wobbling precariously underneath her and blurry her vision was becoming. Using a hand to wipe at the excess tears, she turned back to him; taking in every detail in the bright light of the garage turned morgue. She could almost fool herself into believing he was merely asleep; aside the fact that his skin was cold and colored a dreadful grayish tinge to the normally bright emerald green and aside from the white gauze wrapped over his throat, he looked just as he had in life.

April moved aside the white cloth further to grasp at his limp hand, turning it over to rest her own into his chilled palm; an almost smile lifting her lips at just how tiny her hand appeared in his. For a long while, she just stood there staring at his face; hoping at any moment he'd stir and open his eyes. That this would all just be a bad dream and she'd wake back up to a world he still resided. A part of her still expected this all to be a horrific long drawn-out nightmare but it was worse; it was reality.

A world as to which Raphael was gone; a life cut so brutally short by her ineptitude.

April was certain she'd never be forgiven, not by his family or by herself; there was so much guilt she'd be carrying for the rest of her life and it made her sick.

His family was irrevocably shattered for Raphael meant so much to whom he knew - whether he knew it or not.

Splinter, while outwardly strong looked unbearably hallow inside. Donnie, confused and lost for the first time in his life; given a problem he could never solve, a brother he couldn't save. All charisma and happiness had been drained from Mikey; the youngest so devastated April was uncertain if he'd ever recover or even smile again. Leo...he was gone; no one heard or seen of him since the night Raphael passed away. His absence further tearing a hole into his already fractured family; the leader who never lost calm, who always remained level-headed took off and hadn't returned since. The anger and hostility he held toward her was rightly deserved...

It was an easy emotion to hold on to and a part of April had...she hated being so, but the anger toward Raphael's actions had her questioning everything. She didn't know why he did what he did... It didn't make sense. She was just a friend he'd only come to know better within the 6 months he was training her. It didn't warrant the action he made of saving her life; she questioned if perhaps he didn't see it coming but April was almost positive he knew saving her was a death-sentence to himself yet did it anyway. Willing to die for her; take a fatal shot knowing it meant leaving his family and everything behind...

The pain that filled her chest was immediate, her stomach plummeting to dwell amiss her bowels as she came to terms with that fact...

"Raph..." she whimpered as she pathetically grasped his chilled hand in hers. "Why did you do it?!" she cried, hating how her voice broke. A part of her knew asking now was futile; he couldn't hear her but she knew if she didn't ask she'd eventually lose her sanity - whatever was left of it anyway...

"Why?..." she whimpered, her knees suddenly wobbling under her and she fell upon his chest, her ear pressing into his plaston plates so hard that it hurt but she didn't find it in herself to care. Still clasping to his limp hand and resting her head on his unmoving, cold chest, she wept; hot molten tears dripping into the knicks, groves, and cracks on his plastron. April did nothing but stare at the underside of his jaw, eyes gravitating toward the gauze that was wrapped securely over his neck. Her other hand shakily reached out, fingers ghosting over the white bandage; covering the very wound that swiftly ended his life.

This just wasn't fair...none of this was...

Raphael had so much life left to life; energy positively endless; always moving, always having to do something to keep busy an active. To see him so still made it all the more apparent of the unfairness of it all. Life ending much to soon and there was simply no retribution - no goodbyes, nothing. Within moments, his life was gone; snuffed out as if he was never there at all. Death was so unforgiving and swift and always when you least expect it. Never did she imagine a simple patrol in a seemingly safe side of town could have lead to this outcome; questioning if it was this that had her putting her guard down that night. A scenario of what-if's and circumstances that would never change anything but still tore her down to her very core. She wanted to know why he saved her when his family needed him so much...

"We miss you..." she whispered; the sentiment and depth of how badly she already felt deprived of his presence overwhelming. The loss almost physical in its viability; it was like losing a part of your physical being; something precious wedged in her chest that had been ripped out and stolen never to be regained. There was so much she wanted to say, needed to, but words failed her. How do you say your final goodbyes to someone what should still be here? The person who you should be trading places with? A dear friend who lost their life by saving yours?

Fingers gently tracing his sharp cheek bones and down his jaw before coming to rest upon the skin that joined into his plastron. She traced the top of his chest armor and the crack that marred the top left plate; the lightening shaped fissure that was so signature to him. Growing quiet, she stared at it and back and him; so many regrets, so much guilt no one should have to bear. It all broke when she never got to ask him how he got it. It was a question she never get to ask or him never to answer; if he ever would have at all. As much as she believed she knew him, there were still so many things she would never truly be able to ask or to say...and that broke whatever sanity she may have been clinging to.

"Oh, Raph..." she cried, chest heaving with painful sobs as she moved to bury to face into the hallow of his throat. "I'm so sorry..." she screamed, the sound getting muffled by his frigid skin. She was unsure of how long she stayed that way, praying her tears just didn't soak the bandages around his neck. Body trembling as she pulled away to look at him, one hand still clinging to his own and the other resting upon his chest. Words failed her but she knew she needed to say something, anything, and without thinking, she just spoke; words completely unfiltered.

"I-I guess I just wanted to say thank you...Ya know, for being my Sensei, my video game buddy, watching and making fun of cheesy horror movies with me..." she said with a sad chuckle that had her voice breaking as she continued, "f-for being my f-f-friend...and for s-saving my life... I don't understand why you still saved me and I probably never will... Oh, God...I...I just don't know what I'm going to do without you... There's still so much for you here. Everyone is just so lost without you; I just don't what we're gonna do..."

"I hope you knew what you meant to us. I wish I said things differently, thanked you more, not argued so much when I wasn't doing a certain kata right. Not been so damn stubborn when all you were doing was trying to help me... I wish I was a better student...If I was, maybe you'd still be here..." she admitted, hating how the guilt clogged her throat.

"I don't why you saved me, but you did. Nothing I can say or do can ever repay that, Raph. B-But I promise, I'm going to do everything to make sure your family is taken care of. Make sure they have food and shelter and make them as comfortable to live as I can. I-I promise!" she cried, reburying her face in his throat as one arm went around his neck to hug him close to her. Clinging to him as the reality of the situation crashed over her. "I promise..." she whispered in his ear before she lost herself to grief, loud sobs echoing in the confines of the garage.

It was a full three minutes before she stood back up fully to her protesting legs, she found her thumb absentmindedly brushing along the curve of his sharp cheek bones in smooth short strokes. She knew this was the moment a goodbye would normally pour out; words that bid a farewell to a friend who'd passed but the words she'd poured out so easily before would not come. Goodbye was too painful, too permanent for her to say out loud; saying it would make it real and she simply wasn't prepared to do so...

Instead, she smiled at him, the forced uplifting of her lips as she recalled the many happy memories and hoped one day, she could think about them without the pain tainting them.

"Thank you, Raphael...for everything...I will never forget you..." she whispered rather than a goodbye, taking a moment to lean down and brush her lips along the cold curve of his sharp cheekbone. Pulling away, she squeezed his hand once more before lifting the white sheet up to cover him. She didn't leave immediately, gaining some composure before she left the garage without paying any attention to Donatello who stood nearby.

Donnie didn't speak or have any desire to deter her; just entered the garage as soon as she left; the click of the door behind him was nearly silent.


April was hallow; that was the only way to describe it.

A severe emptiness that infiltrated her chest without the belief it would ever be filled. Some parts of her were glad she'd said goodbye however unconventional it was; saying things she didn't while he was still here yet another part of her knew it was for her own selfish desire to physically speak the words to him even if he was nothing but a corpse now. The very thought of it had her knees buckling under her and they met the cold grass.

A pathetic whimper left her throat as she pressed her head against the bumpy trunk of a nearby tree; one she used to climb as a kid. What she wouldn't give to go back to a time when she wasn't responsible for one of her dearest friend's deaths. To go back and perhaps have never met them; if she hadn't, he'd still be here...but if she hadn't, she wouldn't know the joys of knowing them either... A double-edged sword. It a burden that seemed much to heavy but one she would be forced to carry the remainder of her life. The only thing keeping her from completely losing herself to grief was the promise she made to him - to help his family as much as she could - and she was going to keep it.

Legs still refusing to move, April stayed that way for a long time; the cool seeping into her skin upon the encroaching night was ignored; numbness filling its place. She didn't want to head back, not at all prepared to face his family or even her father right now; so she stayed; staring at the stars and allowing the tears to drip down her face; all she could think about was how Raphael would have loved it here. The red-banded terrapin was a lot more fond of the outside world than his brothers; as soon as night fell, he seemed to be the first to bask in the moonlight... A part of her wished she'd brought them here sooner, never knowing just how much it may have meant to him to hang out in daylight without the fear of being seen...

It was devastating to realize how much life Raphael had left to live; dying at only 16 years of age - way too soon... April feared it would only grow worse as the years ticked by knowing he should have been there to live them. Watching his brothers age, move on, time pass, and he wouldn't be there to experience any of it. A deep pull in her gut had a sob pulling from her lips - how empty it all felt without him - how there would be nothing to fill the void; the hole his absence left in her heart and life that she knew she'd never recover from.

God, she missed him so much...

It was just one of many regrets April feared she'd never live down...

Thrown from her mind was a sound of a vehicle; her first instinct was panic, wondering if the turtles were inside so they wouldn't be seen but it all fell to the wayside when a familiar old pick-up truck pulled into view. She immediately began sobbing, standing to much too shaky legs as she approached the young man who just hopped out of the vehicle.

"Sorry it took so long. Got lost about half a dozen times and the directions I got weren't the best but I finally met the dude at your gas station down the road. He gave me a map." Casey said with a shrug and slight chuckle as she came into view, the half-smile lifting his face fell when her face became more visible in the light of the moon. Hiding his own emotions was pointless now; tears he held back for the drive were now freely leaking from his bloodshot eyes.

April didn't bother holding back either, closing the distance between herself and the lanky vigilante; wrapping her arms around his torso and allowing herself to fall apart in his slight grasp and sobs getting lost in the cloth covering his chest.

Casey didn't speak; arms shaking as they moved to embrace her small frame. No sounds left his mouth, just silent tears marking his cheeks in their descent; this was the moment it all became too real. His best friend's death could no longer be ignored and it fuckin' hurt.

Yet, he embraced it, embraced her for this was the first iota of comfort he received since getting the news of Raphael's tragic death. He wasn't sure exactly how he'd deal with it but he knew he no longer had a choice.