TRIGGER WARNING – This chapter contains talk about rape, SA, SA of a minor and the abuse Vernon but Harry and Petunia through it is a hard chapter to read.

Harry thought he was going insane. He really, truly did. Ever since waking up, he felt like he was hearing voices. Voices which he didn't want to hear, calling him a freak, calling him worthless. He didn't want to believe them but he knew they were correct, after all, what kind of person was destined to kill another. A freak that's who. It wasn't just that, whenever he was around Ginny, despite being unsure of his feelings he wanted to do things with her. Things he knew neither of them was ready for. Well, he made himself believe that he wanted that. He knew that being in love meant that you wanted to do things, adult things but he didn't want that. He knew that he kind of wanted to kiss her, he wanted to see what that felt like. That being said maybe he didn't love Ginny, maybe he just wanted to be what she wanted.

Harry, being confused about his feelings had decided to avoid Ginny, it seemed easier that way. That way there were no mixed messages. She didn't need to fall in love with a dead man and he didn't need to explain what was going on.

Petunia watched her nephew with a sense of foreboding. Recently Harry had begun pulling away like he had when they had escaped Vernon. When Harry was younger, he hated being touched, would flinch and try to back away. He never looked anyone in the eye and would often sit for hours in the airing cupboard. Then when Ginny came into his life he changed. Not all at once, he still flinched and wouldn't let Ginny within a foot of him but would smile a bit more. Then eventually little by little, Harry would let people touch him. Sometimes he would still stiffen but he was more comfortable with people. Now though he seemed to be slipping back into his old, destructive ways and Petunia Evans was having none of it.

So, she sent the twins out with Sirius to do some shopping and asked Remus to take Ginny out to take her mind off things and then she approached Harry in the library.
"Harry?" she said. He looked up, curious.
"Would you mind accompanying me on a walk, if you feel up to it?" she asked. Harry stilled for a moment but nodded reluctantly and grabbed his crutches. He pulled himself up and followed his aunt into the gardens.

The gardens were beautiful, a vast landscape that was surrounded by lakes and wildlife. Petunia often thought that if she could die bestowed by all the beauty, she could die happy.

Together the two walked through the flower beds before stopping amongst a blanket of colour and plucking a flower from the roots. She smelled it and smiled.
"You know, apparently your father planted these for your mother. Sirius told me he said if he couldn't have her then at least he could be surrounded by her namesake." Harry smiled lightly. Lilies always did hold a special place in his heart. Petunia sat down and patted the ground next to her as Harry followed suit.

The two embraced the quiet. Petunia sighed

"Harry... I wish to speak to you about something. I understand that it may not be what you wish to hear or talk about but I beg you to please listen to me." Harry stiffened but nodded nether the less. He knew his aunt would never lie to him, not anymore. Petunia waited for a moment, trying to gather her thoughts.

"I have noticed that you seem to be regressing. You are going back to the way you were before we escaped. Now, you are under no obligation to talk to me or anybody about it. Nobody here will ever force you to do anything you don't want to but if you wish you can speak to me."

When he didn't do anything Petunia thought that he had completely shut down. She thought that she had messed up but Harry merely took a pen and paper from his pocket.

I am scared

"Scared of what Harry? If it is Voldemort, whilst I cannot promise you that he will never hurt you I can promise we will always try our hardest to save you." Harry shook his head and began to write again.

Of myself

Petunia stilled for a moment and urged him to explain. Harry scrunched up his face, tormented he furiously scribbled something down.

I don't understand emotions, My emotions. I think I lov like Ginny as more than a friend but I will don't want to do the things that people who love each other want to do. I want to well it doesn't matter because I can never love her the way she deserves.

Petunia read his note and sighed, finally grasping what he was trying to say. She always knew Vernon had broken him but she had hoped he would live to see the other side.

"Harry... What kind of things do you think loving someone entails?" she asked. Harry thought for a minute.

You know. Stuff. They said loving Someone means being intimate and kissing and touching and playing in bed. Things like he used to do. He loved me, right? That's why he did it and he told me that I loved him or I would have said no

Petunia suddenly felt sick. She had thought, hoped maybe that Harry had forgotten about most of the things Vernon did. She had certainly tried to.
"Harry... do you honestly believe that?" she asked. Harry shrugged, nonchalant.
"Harry... do you want to do that kind of thing? Do your think Ginny does?"

I don't know. I never said no to him. It was my fault. I think I like Ginny but I don't want to do that kind of stuff with her.

Petunia began to feel slightly relieved, at least she didn't have to worry about Harry forcing himself into things out of some misguided notion Ginny wanted to. Still, this kind of thing wasn't okay. Harry wasn't at fault for Vernon and she thought he knew that.

"Harry... do you remember when we escaped and you found out that he was doing the same thing to me too?"

Harry nodded
"Harry it's very important that you remember, okay? Now do you remember how you felt?" she asked. Harry nodded, unsure of where she was going

"Now how did you feel and why?"

Angry, he hurt you. He touched you when you didn't want to be touched

Petunia nodded and tensed slightly, now she had to discuss her marriage which is something both herself and Harry ever really talked about.

"Okay, now Harry please don't think I'm oversharing. However, the things he did to you when he touched you when he made you touch him. When he hit you when he forced you to do things, he made me do it too, do you think I wanted it? Do you think I deserved it?" she asked lightly. Harry shook his head vigorously.

"Then why did you? Harry I never said no either. I thought that he was my husband and that marital affairs had to happen whether one party wanted to or not. He was my husband and I had to serve him. He raped me, Harry, regardless of being my husband. He raped me just like he raped you. You do understand that right.?"

Harry tensed, he never said no, he never said no, he never said no, he never said no. He looked up at his aunt.
If it was bad..., why didn't you stop it sooner?

Petina gasped at his question as a tear ran down her face. She had asked herself that so many times.
"Oh, Harry... I knew he was forceful with you but I never realised to what extent. I thought he was just making you do chores and I was so busy trying to protect myself I never realised I am so, so sorry."

Harry sat back and watched her sob. He didn't quite know how to feel. He never understood how bad it was for his aunt, he never understood how she found out or what happened when they left. He just knew she was in a similar boat to him and he couldn't hate her.

"Harry... please know that what Vernon did was wrong... what he did wasn't love. That was from hatred and yes whilst it's okay to be intimate with someone you love it isn't an expectation." Harry gulped. His head was reeling.

Then how do I know I want to go out with Ginny?

His aunt took a deep breath, trying to sober up slightly. She asked how Ginny made him feel

Like I'm losing my mind. She feels safe, I guess. She would never hurt me and I don't feel like a freak with her. I like she's happy when I'm happy and I'm happy when she is. I want to be near her

"I think you might love her Harry but I think you should talk to her, set boundaries. Tell her what you want to do, what you feel comfortable with and you might just see that she isn't ready for things to progress too fast either." Harry nodded.

You're a good auntie.

"I try" she smiled. Then with that, she helped Harr up and together they walked back inside.