Hurt - Chapter 19

Rated: T

Depression

Chapter Summary: Leonardo struggles to accept everything that's happened.


The dawn broke across the horizon and yet, he still couldn't sleep.

Leonardo been up all night staring at the wall questioning if any of this was actually reality. Guilt and grief lying smoldering in his gut without any hope it would dissipate.

Blue eyes glanced out the window and toward his brother's grave. He would have to be in the room where he could see it and there were no curtains or plywood nearby to block the view he still couldn't wrap his mind around. Couldn't fathom accepting the reality that the small plaque at the base of a tree was all that was left of his larger than life red-banded brother. Someone whose presence was intimidating and electric. Always animated; moving and occupied. Strong, vibrant and stubborn as a damn mule.

Now he was still.

Cold.

Gone.

Dead.

Lying many feet underneath the earth.

Leo watched silently as Michelangelo and April approached the site a few hours later; illuminated in the full light of the afternoon sun.

Super-sonic ears picked up the conversations that occurred earlier that morning.

Downstairs, the old house not having any sound muffling in the least, where Kirby, April and Mikey headed out to some old lady's farm to go grab a few things.

By the objects in their hands now, it appears they went to buy flowers...

The first thought in Leo's mind was a bit of shock for he never imagined that he'd see his baby brother out and absorbing the powerful rays of the sun. He didn't picture it for any of them to be out during the light of day and it was a hard pill to swallow when every instinct he had told him to yell or bring Mikey back in the house before he was seen. Yet, the leader remained silent as the two approached the grave, both giving a small respectful bow before Mikey lowered, more like collapsed, to his knees right in the fresh dirt. Tears sparkling in the bright sun leaked down his face leaving what may as well be permanent track marks.

It was a sight Leonardo had always hated.

Mikey, his baby brother, crying.

The leader recalled way too many nights hearing Mikey awake and disturbed from nightmares since they were kids. Like clockwork, there was a sharp cry as he awoke, followed by light sobbing, sniveling before the youngest would leave his room for the comfort of Raphael's. Many years of listening through the thin walls to Raph's deep, soothing voice speaking and giving necessary comfort to Mikey, who calmed almost immediately in his strong brother's presence.

It hurt in a way for Leo, who wished Michelangelo felt safer coming to him rather than Raph, but the thing that surprised Leonardo the most was his hot-headed brother. The one who always prided himself on being stern, stubborn, and rude at times; the same turtle who never turned Mikey away.

Ever since they were very little, Mikey took comfort in his strongest brother; believing his strength would ward off all the boogeymen and ghosts haunting his dreams.

"Raphie is stronger than any of them!" Mikey was amendment to say as a small child, earning him a chuckle from the hot-headed terrapin.

To see the pain so displayed on his youngest brother's face tore something precious from Leo's chest. The nightmares Mikey most-likely dealt with now were far worse for when he woke up now, he couldn't just go to Raph's room and get comfort. For he wasn't there to help him anymore; all he'd be greeted with was cold sheets and dust gathering on unused belongings...

All the while Mikey would be standing there; having to confront that now, he'd have to face them alone...

Leo took a deep breath and focused on the scene outside in fear he'd fall apart pondering that fact. Watching silently as Mikey meticulously placed beautiful white and red flowers of many different types in front of the plaque while April stood still behind him. Her blue eyes haunted and hands folded respectfully in front of her.

The unbearable rage that poured into his gut at seeing her was unquenchable.

The fact it was her fault that Raphael was dead; protecting her when she should have been punished for letting her guard down. Yet, his brother moved, saving her and inexplicably losing his own life in the process. Recklessness causing Raphael to be taken away forever from Splinter, Donnie, Mikey,...him...

It made him positively sick...

Leo's eyes did not rest on her long; the anger was still so great and barely dormant under the surface where Leonardo intended to keep it. The last thing he needed was to lose his temper like he had with Donatello last night. His purple-banded brother on the receiving end of so much anger and pain he had no idea how to deal with.

From the few moments he spent with his genius brother that night; he could easily see the torture lining his face. Donnie had appeared 10 years older in the time frame of a week. Whatever hell he'd been experiencing was similar to his own struggles and anguish and he felt momentary guilt for losing his short temper and hurting him. Yet any kind of apology would have to wait until he dealt with the own anger boiling continuously in his stomach.

An anger bred from watching April and Mikey placing the flowers onto Raphael's grave.

Raph never liked flowers; always sneezing whenever he found himself in their presence but he supposed no one but him knew that. Silently recalling him and Raph sneaking out all those years ago to Central Park. Spring in full swing and the scent was everywhere.

Leonardo enjoyed it.

Raphael was positively miserable.

The floral smell and pollen had him gagging and sneezing practically non-stop; the over-whelming scent was not one Raph enjoyed and ever since that night, he tended to avoid them at all costs...

To see his grave infested with the blooms that caused Raphael such distress in life made his chest ache and stomach turn... Pulling his attention away from the sight, he proceeded to stare at the wall in fear he would do something stupid. Counting to ten slowly, the anger began fading until it remained a dull ache firmly wedged in his gut.

The familiar sound of footsteps approaching his door didn't even have him flinching anymore.

Throughout the day, Leo ignored the many knocks and a persistent voice lingering outside of it. Splinter seemed to be the only one who was speaking with him and any anger he held out at that fact quickly dissipated. He didn't really want to talk to anyone anyway and he supposed he deserved the cold shoulder from most of them.

Leonardo pondered his actions since Raphael's death. Taking off into the night without a plan, only anger guiding his steps to appease the smoldering wound in his stomach at the loss of his brother. Harvesting his anger any way he knew how without actually confronting the real problem for longer than he cared to admit.

Anger at Raph for leaving, rage at April for allowing it to happen, and mostly at himself for not being able to protect his little brother when he needed him the most...

It was a guilt that stayed; burrowed into the deepest levels of his body and soul never to be quenched. A harrowing pain that would never dissipate until he took his final breath of this hellish existence. For so long now, he held onto the anger because it dulled the surrounding pain but now he no longer carried it like a crutch, rather a defense or coping mechanism he was using to his every advantage.

Leonardo didn't want to confront it. Neither Raphael's death nor his family's questions. Splinter's sad eyes, Donnie's wrath, April's presence, or Mikey's grief. He wanted nothing to do with it. Staying quiet and alone, he sulked. Still not allowing himself to cry or fall apart for it was the one thing he could control and dammit, he was going to.


All too soon, night fell.

The warm sun illuminating through the window had faded into night and a cold breeze leaked in through the shabby pane. This house was old; needed severe upkeep but even Leo had to admit that driving up to the place - it was strangely beautiful. The green grass that went on for miles and gradually expanded into vast trees and forests as far as the eye could see.

The protection of trees comforted him, but on the drive here - not so much.

During said drive, Leo had a lot of time to think; to ponder over his confrontations with Karai, to almost being murdered by Shredder...to hearing Raphael's voice.

Leonardo concluded it was all in his mind; logically understanding that Raphael was dead and whatever afterlife may await, if any, it was a sheer implausibility for the dead to speak to the living. Leo accepted it was only his exhausted mind and body hearing things he desperately wanted to while another dormant part of him clung to the hope that perhaps, wherever he was, maybe his little brother was watching over him.

You know, like Raphael had always done...

Saving him from a fate he almost put himself in - rescuing him from certain death beyond the grave.

Whatever happened, Leo just wanted to not feel anymore; numbness a familiar friend he clung to akin as a lifeline. The only thing keeping him grounded in this realm was the fact that giving up now would be betraying Raphael and his memory...

Truth was, Leo simply wasn't ready to accept any of it.

Ignoring another knock and calm voice at his door, Leo laid down. Staring at the ceiling; warding of sleep that he didn't want to experience. Visions he didn't want to confront. Images of his brother lifeless; taking his final gasping breaths in a dank, dark alley with only April there to comfort him in those last few moments of life. The tone of his skin gray and cold as he lifted him into his arms; the weight dead and heavy. Leo recalled just how frigid his brother had been...remembering just how much Raph hated being cold...

A scream wanted to escape; wanted to flood from his lips but he held it back.

It just all hurt so badly he wasn't sure how to deal with it; a depression stemming from the loss; an emptiness so profound he was certain this was hell on earth.

Leo was unsure how to deal with any of it...but it appeared he didn't have a choice... So lost in his grief and sorrow. How much he missed his green-eyed brother and willing to give up anything for just an opportunity to talk to him one last time. He imagined the things he said; precedent above them all would be to tell him how much he loved him...

So lost in his thoughts and pain, he didn't even realize his eyes sliding closed, breathing slowed, and a thankfully dreamless sleep pulled him into its heavy grasp...