Hurt - Chapter 20

Rated: T

Desolation

Chapter Summary: The earth seems to falling apart underneath all their feet.


20 chapters already? Wow, thank you all for sticking with me during all this. Extra long chapter was totally unintentional but those are the best right?

Also, You know it's bad when your own writing makes you cry haha. This chapter and Donnie and Casey's portions in particular killed me... Proceed with caution...


Mikey's words were nearly silent as he knelt in front of his brother's grave. Offering multiple flowers in shaking hands and legs that could no longer hold him up; the soft dirt compacting under his weight.

For a long time, he just remained silent as he arranged the flowers tastefully upon his brother's grave. Fingers softly tracing the Japanese characters and English lettering on the smooth stone once that task was complete.

It still felt like a dream, or nightmare rather, most of the time.

Mikey would catch himself calling out for Raphael; texting him, or heading to certain areas the red-banded turtle frequented only to find them empty. A piece of his life was gone now. A hole nothing could fill. A profound feeling of nothing but emptiness that was only expanding each and every moment he acknowledged his hotheaded red-banded brother was indeed permanently gone from his life.

A brother and best friend just snatched away without rhyme or reason...not even leaving him a chance to even say goodbye.

Michelangelo struggled to recall the last conversation they had; something so normal and mundane that you almost do it subconsciously. Right now, Mikey would give anything just to talk to him once more; even if it had to be the same conversation. The simple opportunity to hear his voice that wasn't over same voicemails or his greeting installed on his answering machine that Mikey had listened to on a near constant loop since Raphael's death. The chance to give him a hug and tell him he loved him...to thank him...to let him know how much he meant...and how they'd miss him... To be honest, Mikey felt he'd spend the whole time just begging him to stay...

Before he realized what happened, tears began dripping down his face in torrents.

Fruitlessly, Mikey rubbed at his eyes to try and dry the multiple tears and how his throat clogged with strangled sobs.

He was trying...he was trying so hard to be strong...but it was just so difficult...

Ever since Leo returned last night, Mikey's relief at his eldest brother's presence was short lived. The blue-banded brother refusing to leave his room and giving Donnie a swollen, split lip was not how he expected the reunion to go.

As much as Mikey wanted comfort from his eldest-brother and guidance from their leader; to tell them it would all be alright...it was apparent that wasn't going to happen.

Leonardo was shutting himself off even if he had returned. It just made it all the more difficult to deal with...it was as if he lost two brothers instead of one; even if Leo was still here, it was if he was gone. Realizing he could do little to help, Mikey knew he had to remain strong; just like Raph was...but his red-banded brother never told him how hard it would be. How he always made it look so easy...

"I miss you, Raphie..." he sobbed, the high pitched sound leaving his throat as he pressed his face in his hands.

A part of him berated himself for allowing more tears; he'd been desperately trying his hardest to hold them back but it only got more difficult as time went on. Taking deep breaths, he finally was able to quench the burning in his stomach. A few minutes later, he'd regained composure and pushed himself up to his feet where April remained patiently waiting for him.

There was a slight bit of anger that remained at her involvement but he found he couldn't blame her. She never meant for any of this to happen and was just as broken as all of them. April and her dad had given them a place for Raphael and for that, he was thankful. Forgiving her was easy for he knew it was Raph's choice to save her; and that was enough for him...


They'd only been here a little over two days yet for April, it may as well have been a lifetime. Time crawled and every second that passed brought its own unique grief.

When she was told Leo had arrived, she was shocked; thankful the eldest brother was indeed alive. The little happiness she'd received from that news was plagued when he stayed in his room. April was very much aware of his anger that probably still stemmed for her and while she accepted it, it still hurt. Everything inside of her wanted to apologize but she knew it would be for naught. Her own guilt was something she'd be drowning in forever; even if she was forgiven by all of them, she never truly would forgive herself for allowing Raphael to die.

It was a cross she had to bear and live with for whatever remained of her life.

It was a small joy to take Mikey to Mrs. Sanders the next morning after the funeral. The smallest turtle seemed more alive in that moment of being in that beautiful field of flowers than he had in a long time. A light illuminating his sad blue eyes was temporarily broken as he went about picking many of the flowers as her father kept the elderly woman busy inside the house.

Once Mikey was satisfied with the selection, he went to wait in the car as she and her father paid for the fresh blossoms.

As much happiness as Mikey may have felt picking them was disrupted when they returned. His eyes rarely straying from Raphael's resting place underneath the ancient oak tree near the lake. A place Splinter and his sons deemed the best spot and she couldn't agree more.

Ever since she was a girl, she found herself climbing the branches or swaying back and forth in the old tire swing her grandfather hung from them. Sitting near the base lost in a good book or just watching the ducks in the nearby pond. Hours watching the clouds and the shapes they'd paint in the endless blue skies. So many years; this spot filled with so many happy and nostalgic feelings now housed grief; not to mention her friend's body. The same friend who only died because he saved her life...

Following Mikey to the spot, she stood back to give him time and remaining a respectable distance where she could not hear the whispered words spoken. As much as she wanted to leave, being there for Mikey was far more important. Although she couldn't help but feel a familiar stare coming from one of the windows in the house. Daring not to look in fear he'd notice, Leo's eyes rested on her before straying just moments later. There was still a visceral anger that leeched from his presence and April doubted it would ever fade.

April welcomed it.

Leo deserved every right to be angry at her; they all did. Even if Splinter, Donnie, and Mikey were cordial and downright kind with her, she felt it was undeserved even if her father had given them this place for their son and brother. If she spent the remainder of their lives doing everything they asked and meeting all their needs, it still never would be enough. Nothing would bring their hotheaded brother and son back. An irreplaceable piece to the puzzle of their lives would never be there; an empty abyss where Raphael was meant to be. It would remain empty forever all because she didn't pay attention to her surroundings.

Her depressing thoughts were broken upon Mikey re-approaching her. Those once vibrant baby blue eyes were dull, haunted; a shell of his former self.

"You ready to go inside, Mikey?" she asked, forcing a smile and placing what she hoped was a steady hand on his thinning shoulder.

"No...can I go look around a bit?"

"Of course, Mike. D-Did you want me to go with you?"

The smallest just nodded in response; not even waiting for her reply before heading toward some of the surrounding woods. April appreciated the distraction.


Donnie was quiet, meticulous, and steady as he began cleaning the remainder of things in the garage. He'd already dismantled the containment unit back into reasonably sized pieces. The genius supposed they could be used on other projects and anything that could keep his mind occupied, the better. Placing them into an organized pile into the corner, he froze upon seeing the gurney that held his brother. A white sheet crumbled and draping over the sides stopped him in his tracks.

It all became too real...

After Raphael's death, he had to dress his wounds, wash and clean his body of the blood, and stave off decomposition. It was as if he was taking care of him; watching over him...and now, he didn't have that responsibility anymore.

The hole it left was not one Donnie expected.

Fat wet tears welled in his eyes as he gathered the sheet into his hands. Grasping the fabric into shaking hands, his chest heaving as twin trails of tears leaked down his face and a few breathless sobs had him crumbling to his knees. The pain from the salty tears in his busted lip he'd gotten from Leo was a welcome physical pain that held no candle to the one developing in his soul.

Hugging the material to his chest, he fell apart.

There were to words to emphasize just how much it hurt...how much he missed him.

Realizing this wasn't some hellish purgatory, this was real, this was his new reality. A dead brother and a broken family is what remained for him to live with for the rest of this existence. His remaining older brother refusing to accept it; a little brother so irrevocably broken as himself and his father were forced to fit the pieces pack together. Even if they never truly would piece together the same way...nothing would...

"Dammit, Raph..." Donnie sobbed, hugging it tighter and pushing his face into the cool white sheet, "Why did you have to go?" he screamed; knowing Raphael could never answer him but the question had to be asked. So much sorrow, resentment, and grief burrowed in his gut without any sense of relief even as the tears continued their cleanse down his face. Burying his face further into the sheet, he breathed it in; the scent of his brother still lingering on it. A scent that was comforting and so painfully familiar yet one that would soon fade forever once enough time passed. This fact only accelerated the tears as Donnie further collapsed onto the floor. Thankful that he'd locked the door when he came in...

Donatello wasn't sure how long he laid there; clutching the sheet to his chest and staring at some far-off point in the distance as the tears continued unheeded down his face. He feared they'd never stop. All he knew was pain; agony that settled in his stomach like a ton of smoldering bricks. Hot and heavy in his gut as they burned him alive from the inside out. It hurt worse now than the night Raphael died...uncertain if it was the confrontation with Leo, his avoidance, or the fact Raph's death was finally becoming something he had to accept; but there was a festering hole in his chest he was certain would remain forever.

A weight he'd have to bear alone; for he knew the second he left, he'd have to put on his strong facade to deal with whatever remained for him in the farmhouse. Yet, for now, in the garage, he alone fell apart once again for what he hoped was the last time...but knew deep down, it wouldn't be.


Casey spent a lot of time alone exploring the surrounding woods; lost in thought of where or when to turn.

There was nothing back in New York for him. Everything was all so different now; hell, even being around the turtles and April was not how it used to be without his best friend there. He felt like a piece of a jigsaw puzzle that didn't quite fit no matter how much you forced it in that space; it just wouldn't go in. Casey didn't realize how pertinent Raphael was to his relationship with the rest of the turtles...even April. Him and Raph were always a team; best friends who spent so much time together it was odd to be alone...it was as if he lost his other half of sorts...

So he found the only spot he felt relatively normal...

Casey sat near the base of that tree, right next to the plaque; the rigid bark digging into his head and back but he didn't care. For a long time, he remained silent; never speaking, just staring upon the beautiful view Raphael's grave had. The teen tried to recall the last time he saw his best friend alive; tried to remember the last words he spoke. Praying at least whatever they were; they meant something to him. Casey didn't dwell on it long in fear he'd break down again. For the first whole week, he'd dealt with Raph's death alone. He had no comfort; no support and no one to lean on and share the similar grief and here wasn't any different.

Aside from April's few hugs and Splinter and Kirby desperately reaching out and tying to talk to him, Casey pretty much ignored it. Felt he had something to prove. Knew Raph probably wouldn't be too happy if he cried about it all the time yet it still hurt like fucking hell. He hoped Raphael knew how much he meant to him; how he wasn't just a friend but more like a brother. A relationship and friendship that had become so necessary for him. It was the earth shattered beneath his feet when he got the news.

He ran; never waited for an answer; never knowing how it happened - he was just gone.

Those first few days were mainly shock...and denial. Never certain how many times he called his phone just begging him to pick it up; to hear that voice. For the red-banded turtle to show up at their place on his apartment rooftop and ask him to go knock some heads. Casey waited and waited just hoping to hear from him or just to show up...

He never did.

Afterward the denial came the anger. So much anger...

Angry at Raphael for dying; for leaving him and everything behind. No explanation, no goodbyes, nothing. Just snuffed out like a candle in a hurricane; didn't even stand a chance. Frustration at April for telling him; for just flat out informing him his best friend was dead. At Mikey and Donnie for not being there to help Raphael when he needed it the most. For Splinter making them go on patrol in the first place...then at Leo for not even showing up to his funeral...

Grief was strange to say the least. After anger couldn't quench the hurt anymore, he felt perhaps it was a dream. He'd begged, bargained for it to be. Thinking he'd wake up and it was all just a nightmare...that's when depression set in. Casey spend days on the rooftops wanting desperately to jump. To follow Raphael where he went. Yet he pulled back for he knew Raphael would never want that...

That's when the last stage hit - Acceptance.

Casey learned from Donatello that Raphael had died saving April. Something Raphael would be proud of for he'd always protected those he cared about. He was a hero even if no one cared to believe that about him and his brothers. They were heroes that saved people. Raphael especially. For the hothead put on a big front that he didn't care, he didn't need anybody, he was rude, and stubborn but Casey knew him well enough that that was only there to hide who he really was.

A side of him he let so few people see.

A fierce love, loyalty, and sense of justice weaved into his veins like fire to a dry field. An unquenchable inferno of loyalty that far outweighed anything and if you meant enough to Raphael, you had it. Something so irrevocably valuable. Raphael was the kind of guy that if you had a close enough relationship with him, he would die for you...and he proved it.

Soon, Raphael's death made sense...in more ways than one...

While Raph and April weren't particularly close before he began training her, there was something that changed in Raphael that he wouldn't have believed had he not seen it himself. As strict as Raphael wanted to be, he was still crazy gentle with her but tough when he needed to be. They worked well off each other and had fun; it was like they were being actual friends rather than just acquaintances. It got to the point the two would be hanging out outside of training. Casey noticed this for Raphael wasn't as available as he used to be and whenever he went to visit, they seemed to be together. It started a shift and Casey began noticing this sense of protectiveness Raphael had over her.

He'd never seen him act that way with anyone...

A particular confrontation him and Raph had just weeks before his death had put everything in perspective to this point in time. A conversation he still mulled about in his head and it made the terrapin's death all the more painful. Casey could sense a change in him; a transformation in his personality that had to be addressed. It became so obvious that Raphael couldn't even deny it anymore. The vigilante asked him if he liked her; Raph gave him that look he always did when he was frustrated with the question and didn't intend to answer but Casey was adamant. He was certain Raphael didn't intend to confess, but he did with enough prodding.

Raphael indeed had grown a crush on her.

Casey was a bit surprised at how easy it was to pry it out of him and while it bothered him that him and his buddy crushed on the same girl, Raphael said he'd never pursue it. Casey couldn't help but ask why.

"I'd never do that to Donnie." Raphael muttered in response and that was it.

Casey grew quiet, wanting to push his buttons and tell him it was April's choice and he should ask her if she liked Donnie that way and if not, go for it. Raphael just shook his head in a universal signal that he was done talking about it.

It became who apparent that who Raphael was. Always willing to sacrifice his own happiness for those he cared about. As hard as he wanted to seem, he was perhaps the kindest person you could never meet. He wasn't obvious about it, just doing things you'd never notice. Pushing aside his own desires for those he loved. Wanting them to be happy regardless if he got hurt in the process. Raph was the first one in, last one out. So fiercely loyal and protective to a fault. It didn't surprise him that he'd save April's life by giving up his own. Perhaps that was the one thing he could do for her...a way of saying he did care even if he never did it with words; his actions spoke for it.

"You got a good view here, dude." he sighed, words sudden as he stared out across the expanse of beautiful grassy fields, trees, and a lake just a stone's throw away. He had to speak, to say something in fear if his thoughts continued, he'd fall to pieces.

"Ya know, I know why it happened, but...it still really sucks that yer gone ya know?" he sniffed, wiping his nose on his sleeve jacket. "...there's still so much for you here. Too much life ya had left to live."

All grew silent, only the rusting of trees and the low chirping of many birds rung throughout the fresh mountain air. A place he normally would enjoy to it's fullest extent only made him want to cry now; because Raph should have been here enjoying it too... It hit him just how unfair it all was; Raphael dying at only sixteen and leaving behind his family and friends. A world who Casey believed would accept him one day. A day he wanted to be there to see it...

Now, that never was gonna happen...

"You know, when I met cha, I thought we were gonna grow old and be crotchety old men still beating up bad guys." he chuckled mirthlessly, his eyes straying to the grass below him. Eyes blurring, he closed them and felt the droplets of tears falling down his face. "I know you probably didn't mean to go but I know why ya did it. Its just who you were... Ya were a lot softer than ya thought." he smiled; eyes lifting to stare at the clouds above.

"I don't where ya are, but I wanted ta let you know I'm really proud of you, buddy. It's gonna be tough, but I'm gonna be alright in case yer wonderin'. I hope I make ya proud someday and when I see ya again, I'll be sure to tell ya all about it." Casey whimpered, reaching over to rest his arm across the top of the cool stone. "It ain't gonna be easy cus I'm really gonna miss having ya around. Hell, I already do and it's only been a fuckin' week...but...I'll be alright...I'll be sure to knock a couple heads for ya, kay?" he laughed and the genuine nature of it shocked him.

Casey's eyes gravitated toward the stone where he stared at it for a long time; not even registering the sensation of liquid flowing unheeded from his eyes.


Splinter and Kirby had become friends of sorts, the two men spending their time working on jigsaw puzzles or just drinking coffee or tea from the old porch swing out on the porch. They didn't speak much but there was a familiar ache for each. Both knew the sensation of loss and the drain of experiencing such tragedy without any answers as to why.

The times they did speak, they told of their own experiences.

Kirby in the disappearance of his wife.

Splinter and the loss of Teng Shen as well was the whole fiasco with Miwa, or Karai...and of course, losing one of his sons...

Kirby was at a loss of what to say.

It was as if Splinter, or Yoshi, had not only lost one child, but two. The debilitating loss was unfathomable to him. Losing one child and their loyalty to the man who caused him so much pain, the other to death and knowing the cause was possibly the same man; or at least, someone who worked for him. It was all too much to take in.

Trying his damnedest, Kirby failed to stop the tears. "I am so sorry..." he sobbed; not even being able to comprehend how much agony this man was in. There were no words, no consultation. It was miraculous the man didn't completely lose his mind for Kirby was certain if something similar had happened, he wouldn't have been able to function, let alone show the strength Hamato Yoshi was able to. "...how? I mean, excuse me for saying, but...I'd be a complete wreck..." Kirby asked, his hand clenching nervously in his lap.

Splinter did not reply, just stared blankly ahead at the beauty of nature; the comfort of the fresh mountain air not quelling the horrid pain in his heart in the least.

"I must be strong for my sons. As much as I'm hurting and as easy it would be to just give up...I can't." Splinter whispered, holding back the tears that burned the back of his eyes. "...Raphael would not want that because if that boy was anything, he was determined; fiery, angry, and stubborn to a damn fault." Splinter continued, allowing a soft chuckle to touch his lips, "Giving up would be tarnishing his very being; his memory, everything. For that sole reason, I must move on. He'd want me to; want all of us to. Yes, it's hard, it's the worst thing that has ever happened to me...but I have no choice."

The finality of those words struck Kirby deeply. He'd known for so long how moving on was so hard. Not seeing that person anymore; not having them around for special occasions or when you need them. An empty place they'll never fill. You move on, you deal with it one day at a time and while it does get easier...it never gets better.


The second night where Leo still had yet to leave or answer his door, Mikey had finally vamped up enough courage to confront him the only way he knew how.

The youngest turtle was silent as night as he approached the door. For a while, he listened but heard nothing. Raising his hand to knock, Mikey found he could not find it in him to go through with it. Arm landed limply to his side and he let a long sigh filter from his nostrils as he stared at the intertwined grains of the wood staring back at him. There was so much Mikey wanted to do and say but he didn't want to push. He wanted Leo to come out on his own volition and if it took a few extra days of isolation, than so be it.

Head falling slightly, Mikey's eyes landed upon the two bracelets on his wrist (the rest he'd already given to the rest of the group); both of them with a familiar red patch taken from Raphael's mask. It was a sight he still was adjusting to. A little piece he physically had left of his brother that he would cherish the rest of his life. Promising himself to never forget; to hold the memory of Raphael close to his heart.

Without anywhere else to turn and nothing else to do, Mikey took off one of the bands and knelt at Leonardo's door. As quietly as possible, he pushed the bracelet underneath the wooden frame until it lost all visibility from his side. For a few moments, Mikey stayed like that; questioning knocking to let him know it was there, he decided against it.

Michelangelo left the way he came; silently.