Hurt - Chapter 21

Acceptance

Rated: T

Chapter Summary: Leo visits his brother's grave.


Crickets chirping in the middle of the night, Leonardo's blue eyes awoke to the inky black darkness. No sounds other than nature filled his senses and he knew it was the middle of the night. Cursing slightly as he moved to a seated position before standing. Thinking now would be a good time to visit the lavatories and kitchen, he made his way to the door. As soon as he almost closed the distance, his toe bumped into something smooth and light against his toe. Kneeling next to the door what he found wretched his heart in his chest.

A feeling of utter despair at the familiar color that greeted him.

Leonardo reached out and placed it in his hands; not even realizing when he sat down. Staring at the small bracelet, he fingered the soft leather, stalling upon reaching the square of red; the fabric worn and slightly torn. It was obvious where it came from and it was almost an involuntary reaction as he curled up into himself. Grief wedged in his stomach as he stared straight at a piece of his brother. A brother that was already gone and buried while he fought with his own demons; one who gave so much of himself...a presence so enigmatic and powerful snuffed out.


Leo wasn't sure how long he sat there staring at the object in his hands; all his mind wandered to was questioning what to do next. On his drive here, he was so adamant to help his family and be there for them but something changed his heart yet again the closer he got to Northampton.

The grief he was used to - this was something else entirely.

Leonardo wanted answers. Questioning just why this all happened. Him and his brothers did nothing but protect the city; they didn't ask for rewards - they lived in the sewer for God's sake! It wasn't as if they were doing it for fame or money or even recognition, they did it because it was the right thing to do. A natural instinct to protect this city they loved even if no one who resided in it even knew or cared of their existence. Not a glamorous way of life by any means, but it was theirs. A life protecting others...and the very thing that defined his brother's death...

Something precious broke inside of him to come to terms with it. His brother died saving someone and it just...wasn't...fair...

They'd gave their whole lives to serve and protect without every expecting anything in return - it just didn't make sense. Everything about society would have you believe that if you do good, usually good things happen to you and never has one been so wrong... Good people get killed for no reason and criminals often go free and live long, carefree lives.

It sure was a fucked up world they lived in...

A shaky breath escaped Leonardo's lips as he rested his back into the wall nearby. An ache developing in his chest had his eyes burning something fierce as he held back the sob that desperately wanted to escape.

It took everything inside of him not to fall apart in this moment for one thing made itself abundantly clear - Raphael probably couldn't have asked for a better way to go. Since they were kids he always had this sense of loyalty and protectiveness about him. He wanted to save people even if he put on a front that he didn't care, it was a shield to hide how tender his heart really was.

All their lives they'd been rejected; pushed away and whenever a human caught a glimpse of them - they screamed. Called them freaks and monsters without ever giving them a chance to speak otherwise. He knew how much it hurt Raph even if he never reacted otherwise. All Raphael wanted was to be accepted. Like anyone would want to be.

Curling in on himself, Leo couldn't hold back the whimper that left his throat, shaking like a leaf as he held back the tsunami of tears that desperately wanted to leak down his face - but he didn't allow it.

All too soon, his teary blue eyes opened, staring down at the bracelet and subconsciously caressing the worn red fabric.

As much as he wanted to believe it, none of this felt real yet...but Leo knew denying any of it wouldn't help now.

His eyes straying toward the window, he saw the sun was up and heard a bit of bustling downstairs. Leaving this room was now no longer an option. Pulling himself up to his feet, Leo walked back toward his bed and lay upon the cool sheets.

Leo was silent, allowing a few more hours to trickle by before it all became too much. After much pacing and wondering what the hell to do, it all became to clear, and he finally accepted what he had to do...

Little did he knew, it would be the hardest thing he'd ever done.

The sun was already high in the sky when Leo snuck out of the house. Feet and body not making a peep as he made his way to and out of the window and off the roof. First thing he did the second he landed upon the grass, was breath in the cool mountain air; the comfort of it just what he needed to calm his frantic nerves as he approached where Raphael lay.


Three days...

It'd been three days since Raphael was buried when Leo finally approached that beautiful spot by the small lake, underneath a giant oak tree. The shade a welcome relief to the heat of the midday sun; the warmth of it on his skin still felt cold...

Feet slow and heart heavy, the leader closed the distance between himself and that small plaque of carved stone and freshly laid dirt. His eyes took in the flowers that were still laid out in front of the grave marker; his chest prickled with the fact Raphael had been fuckin' allergic to the things. He understood their sentiment for placing such things there but Raph would have thought they were just wasting their money.

Raphael had never been materialistic; never wanting more than necessities and the luxuries they did find were someone's trash. It never mattered to him or any of them though; just thankful they'd find them. A life spent living underground away from society; forced to live in shadows. An existence so thankless and dangerous that they had no choice but to accept it. Raphael never spoke of it much, but he hated it; hated the fact they never got to experience much sun or fresh air only during patrol. A life of scrounging and scraping by. More injuries and damage to their physical bodies than they cared to admit they endured.

Raphael was always the one that got the worst of it mostly by choice. His protective actions putting him in bad situations where injury was pretty much guaranteed. Raphael never changed though; reveled in that position and made it his goal that everyone was safe. First one in, last one out...

Raphael was...and there it is...

WAS...

Past Tense...

The anger he'd been holding onto like a lifesaver was ripped away when he finally realized that even if he got revenge on all of Shredder's men and tore April apart with the overwhelming guilt that it was her inaction that took Raphael away - it wouldn't change anything...

...for no matter what, Raphael was not coming back...

Nothing he said or did, or didn't do was going to bring Raphael back to life. Wouldn't fill his motionless lungs with breath or re-start his heart or close his fatal wound. His hotheaded brother was gone forever and he couldn't change that...only accept it.

Staring for what felt like years at the small piece of carved stone in front of him... A name, two dates, the first vague because the exact day they were bought from that pet store was not one Splinter could ever remember. Residing between the two was a simple slash, a birth or mutation date...and the day Raphael died. Only 16 years between them...a life taken, lost without rhyme or reason... A death so prevalent and raw, someone he loved...so much taken away...

A life so unbelievably precious to him and his family. A brother who he grew up with, grew close with. Through all their arguments and disagreements, Leo couldn't have asked for a better one. One who pushed him to be better on and off the training mat. Didn't sugar-coat things - only told it like it is and wasn't ashamed to do so. Stubborn, angry, rude, yet unbelievably kind-hearted. A fierce spirit and soul that protected April because he wanted to...nothing more...

Leo finally lost it.

Tears that had been burning the back of his eyes ever since he found his brother dead, covered in his own blood and viscera in that abandoned alleyway surrounded by dirty dumpsters and graffiti, finally ran in torrents down his face. His voice raspy and hurting, the leader screamed out his guilt, frustrations, and anger into the soft grass. His body shook as all of it washed over him and finally allowed it to completely consume him.

Leo had spent so much time being angry, revengeful, and trying to figure out who to blame when Raphael did it by choice.

His brother died saving April because he chose to; it was nothing more than that. Something so simple yet he found it almost impossible to accept that Raphael willingly left them just to save her...but he did...and damn, he probably would do it again. It was just who Raphael was in life...

It was the one conclusion Leo didn't want to have to face but it made all the sense n the world.

Raphael always was very protective of his family - those he loved and cherished. While hotheaded and stubborn, Raphael was loyal, put himself in danger if it meant everyone he loved was safe; and if Raph didn't find April worthy of protection, he wouldn't have given it to her. He died for her and it was his choice to do so...

With that realization, Leo curled up in front of his brother's grave and the tears he held back for far too long ran down his face. He screamed into the fresh dirt, allowing the sobs and hiccups to leave without any care of repercussion.

"...dammit, Raph..." he sobbed, top of his head brushing the cool stone, "...why'd you have to go...?"

The emptiness he left deep in his heart would never leave; an open, festering wound that only expanded as the long minutes and hours passed by in front of that gravestone. Leo allowing his tears to be absorbed by the thirsty earth and his brother's corpse just feet underneath it.


It had become like therapy.

Being at Northampton since Raphael was buried over a week ago. A long week in which he still avoided his family and only came to Raphael's grave alone. He's still sneak out his room to eat and use the restroom, but he stayed away in fear of what, he wasn't sure.

Leo slowly made his way over to his red-banded brother's resting place before dawn and everyone was still asleep. It had slowly become routine since Leo broke down in front of his grave only days ago but it already felt like a lifetime. At first it was just tears and overwhelming grief. Then it was anger. Angry words were spoken simply because Leo wasn't sure what to do. Losing Raphael broke something inside of him that could never fix or be healed. There was too many unanswered questions, too much time lost, memories that would never have the chance be made.

It wasn't fair.

Raphael was only 16.

His whole life centered around becoming ninjas in their tiny isolated lair. Growing up together, relying on each other, and promising to be there only for the rug to be ripped from underneath them all only years later.

Death left a hole nothing could fill.

Life was built around just the five of them growing up, especially the four brothers who were so similar yet polar opposites at times. Leo recalled all the fights, the bruises, but what was more apparent was the fun. The games they played, the long talks when no one wanted to sleep, the fight over who got the last worm or algae cake - or pizza slice later on... All those happy memories were plagued by the image of his dead brother's body that remained at the forefront of his mind.

Leo kept watch over his grave and began telling him things he would give anything to say to him now. Words he should have while his brother was still living...but this would have to do...

"I hated when Sensei made me leader... That tight bond we had growing up fading because of jealousy and all kinds of things that never mattered at all."

"You know, nothing's the same without you here..."

Silently recalling seeing his family walking aimlessly from the vantage point of his room. Their own moments they spent at Raphael's grave under his watchful eye. The tears, the somberness leaking from their very presence. A sight he wished he never had to see...

"Mikey hasn't smiled since that night... It's as if he never did... I doubt he ever will again."

"All Donnie does is work. Back and forth to the garage and barns. Always doing something...you know, sometimes I wish I had something physical or mental to keep me occupied, but training or even meditating now just isn't possible..."

"Dad looks older than ever...and he's so quiet...he's always just mediating or just staring blankly at something in the distance. I've never seen him this way..."

"You know, I'd normally train to keep my mind off all of this, but...none of it feels right. Even if I had the courage to ask Don and Mike trained with me, it just...we're uneven without you, Raph..."

The tears fell unheeded now, the warm trickling water along thin cheekbones and into the thirsty grass below.

Running fingers across a name etched in stone. The word and even just the idea of saying "goodbye" felt too permanent - too painful to even fathom.

There were days he fully expected Raphael just to waltz in the door, to hear his voice on the phone, or just to see him again even if it was only for a moment. But as the reality began inching its way into his psyche, Leo knew that would never happen. A reality he had began to slowly accept...

The truth that was staring him in the face - that Raphael really wouldn't be coming back home - he wouldn't be walking through the door or training with them again. He'd never see that red mask or green eyes across from him at their dinner table or next to him on movie night. Never see him reading a magazine on the couch or doing push-ups in the living room or beating up the punching bag dummy by the pinball machine...

He just wouldn't be there...

A bed not slept in, a voice never to ring out whether it's excitement or anger over a program on television or yelling at Mikey about something or another. A presence so powerful and radiant. Always moving; always animated. Loud, boisterous, rebellious, and so incredibly stubborn yet someone who always had his back and he could count on to muscle his way through multiple enemies like nothing. That same brother who he snuck out with all those years ago; one he was so close to and loved regardless of how he frustrated him at times.

Leo had to accept that Raphael was gone forever.

To never again experience the sound of his brother's voice or see that smirk - never speak to him... Something precious inside of his chest shattered when he knew he'd be without his little brother for the remainder of his life. There wouldn't be any more mutation days with him, no Christmas, no holidays, maybe falling in love or growing old together. No fighting alongside as they took out their enemies as one unit.

Nothing.

All he'd have is memories of that 16 year old Raphael; a perpetual memory of a life that was taken far too soon. There'd always remain a hole where his presence used to be; a piece of his own heart that would never repair itself. It was a burden he was forced to bear - much like a scar on his soul. It would never truly go away...

A deep breath was released from shaking lips, a trembling hand rising to wipe away a trail of warm tears from his face as his eyes never left the small tombstone.

"I know I never said it enough... Barely ever...but you know I love you, right?" the leader whimpered, hating how his nose began running, "I love you so much, Raph...and I miss you like crazy. Nothing feels right without you here...Nothing...but...if I can promise you anything, it's I'll never forget you, little brother; and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry that I wasn't there to protect you."

"I'm so sorry, Raph...I'm so sorry..." Leo sobbed, burying his face into the ground as his sobs overwhelmed him.


Before long, it was night and he was forced to retreat inside when the annoying mosquitoes became relentless. This time, he found himself approaching the front door rather than climbing back through his open bedroom window.

Upon entering the dining area, he was met with multiple sets of curious and rather bewildered eyes and expressions. He'd hidden himself away from all of them for days so it was quite understandable when he'd show up out of nowhere without warning.

The group were sitting down for dinner and all but Kirby seemed too shock to speak.

"Would you like to join us for dinner, Leonardo?" Kirby O'Neil asked kindly, gesturing to the seat he vacated from to give the leader a place to sit.

Leonardo jerkily nodded before taking the seat.

Even without a mirror, Leo knew he looked like shit; eyes swollen and painful; nose probably raw and reddened by the multiple firm wipes he'd done just minutes before.

Dinner was a rather quiet affair, the sets of eyes eventually leaving him for their respective plates. The only noises were nearly silent chewing and the clinks and clacks of various silverware and cups back onto the table. Once they were finished eating what they could; Kirby, Casey, and April left to clean the kitchen. A move that was too purposeful to be an accidental circumstance.

It wasn't long before Leo looked up and instantly noticed his family...sans one member.

That was all it took.

To not see Raphael there where he should be. A presence he took for granted and he hated it. He always imagined them being together; growing old and always having him around...oh, how wrong he was...

Leo threw his face into his toiled hands and screamed; body shaking as he fell apart in front of his family. Instead of cool air to greet him, he was instantly surrounded by multiple sets of arms. Two familiar cool reptilian skin and another so warm; soft and a bit prickly against his cheek. Surrounding him were people who should hate him for leaving and being the biggest prick, but they weren't.

"We're here for you, Leo..." Donnie whispered into his ear and if anything, he cried harder, his own arms wrapping around them where he could. A visceral pain at knowing one was still missing. An agony that would forever remain in all of them; a hole that would always be vacant and nothing could never fill.

For a long while, the four just held on and never wanted to let go...

Acceptance would never be easy, but they had to in order to get through this...together.