Hurt - Chapter 22

Rated: T

Confessions

Chapter Summary: Casey shares some insight about Raphael that April can't believe...

Sorry for the lack of updates this past month. Aside from focusing on other stories this chapter by far was the hardest to write so far but I got it done and hopefully the next chapter will be done faster. :-) Thanks for sticking with me.


One week had passed since Raphael was buried.

A week of turmoil, grief, and agony that seemed to never waver, only multiplying by the day.

April was certain it would get better when Leo, his brothers, and Splinter reunited to grieve as a family...but if anything, it only seemed to be caving in on all of them...

While the Turtles and Splinter spent quite a lot of time together, at the end of the day, they still ended up gravitating to do their own thing. To grieve in their own ways. All of them finding time to be alone and April couldn't count the number of times she heard each of them crying at random times throughout the night.

It seemed fitting for it was a place she'd found herself in multiple times since Raph's tragic death.

The pain was almost visceral; a physical thing you can almost cut - this never ending cycle of grief that swirled around the entirety of Northampton was like a tent. Suffocating, isolating, and permanently staked in the ground without any hope of letting up.

Yet as much as she wanted to break, April, as well as her father, were determined to try and keep them all afloat. Desperately making sure the Turtles, Splinter, as well as Casey's needs were met. To make sure there was always distractions and food when they needed it. As much as staying busy helped, it soon began to take a toll on all of them. For even though almost two weeks had passed since Raphael's death - It wasn't getting any easier.

Not in the least.

If anything, it seemed to be harder then before. Every single day, she was forced to witness how this tragedy left her friends...no, family... so irrevocably broken and knowing it was her fault was getting harder to live with.

Their very spark snuffed out; happiness sapped as if it never existed. This regret and trauma of being the one to cause Raphael to lose his life was a horribly bitter pill to swallow as she came to grips with it all.

During all this time, April tried to keep most of her pain to herself.

Not wanting to mess up the balance that was created nor wanting to rupture any bond the Turtles and Splinter were silently rebuilding. April knew Leo was still angry at her; she could feel it. He didn't show it anymore, but there was this visceral presence always leering off of him when she was around - so for the most part, she stayed away.

Donnie was much the same, holing himself up in the garage and what used to be a calm reassuring presence to be around, became awkward. Whenever she'd try to be near him, she felt like a bother, in the way, and Donnie rarely spoke to her. Over time, April generally pulled herself away from the genius terrapin as well.

Splinter was welcoming but April didn't stay too long in fear she'd break apart in his presence. He'd lost so much in his life; a wife, a child who was raised by his enemy, and now a murdered son... Seeing him that way was too painful and she couldn't stop the tears in his presence and April hated it because even in those times, he'd try and comfort her...It was just too much...

Without much choice or alternatives, April found herself seeking her father's presence more often than not but always strove to be with Mikey if he happened to find himself alone...She never wanted Mikey to be alone..

The one person she hoped understood the best was just as distant. Casey was always AWOL, leaving all hours of the day to wander the woods but always ended up by Raphael's grave. Leaning against a tree and just sitting there; staring off into the distance. Sometimes crying and speaking words she couldn't hear.

April just always let him be.

It was obvious how close him and Raphael had been and it was heartbreaking to see how distant the normally flamboyant and loud vigilante was becoming towards all of them. Only speaking when spoken to, eating little at dinner, and always straying off to bed early.

April, while wanting desperate to reconnect with the one human friend who could relate to the sorrow and agony she felt, didn't want to push. Knowing his pain was deep, visceral and even though he didn't show it, he was irrevocably broken. Raphael had been the glue that kept him tied to the rest of his family; even to her at points.

It wasn't until his death April had noticed how deep that bond they all shared truly was until it was severed.


That's when April began finding herself alone...

Acting normal during the day yet staying up most the night; standing on the porch and staring at the endless stars on the canvas of the blankly inky sky. As beautiful as Northampton was and how comforting to be surrounded by the gift of secluded nature, all she could think about was how much Raphael would have loved this...among other thoughts which she forced herself to confront.

For years April had wanted to bring them here yet never did; yet another regret to add to the ever growing pile.

A half-smile lighting her face as she thought of happier times; what-ifs and what could have beens. April always believed if she ever brought them here it would be filled with laughter and happiness; the turtles finally free to run around in daylight without fear of being seen. The smiles alighting their faces as they explored in the full sun; enveloped by the heat and the fresh air without any cares in the world...

Yet they were here to bury a best friend, brother, and son...

April was taken aback out of her thoughts by the familiar sound of the screen door opening and closing behind her. Footsteps of dragging feet and squeaky sneakers were clear indicators of who it was.

"Hey, Casey." she greeted, flecking away some moisture that begun to build in her eyes.

"Hey, Red. Sorry, I didn't know ya were out here."

"It's okay. Plenty of room for two." she said, quickly turning around to see him in hopes he'd stay. If he didn't, she feared it would be another night full of anxiety and tears she'd rather not face alone.

Without replying, Casey moved to her side and leaned on the wooden banister.

For a long time, no one spoke, their eyes either staring out into the blackness of the forest or up at the bright moon and stars above. The two lost in their own thoughts and situation they never wanted to be a part of; forced to deal with a close friend's death while simultaneously being there for his brothers and father left behind.

It was a daily struggle for them both even if neither said anything about it otherwise.

"Thanks for coming, Casey..." April whispered after the long silence, her eyes never leaving the stars above. "You know...to the funeral and everything...and again, I'm sorry you had to find out the way you did. I truly am."


Casey was staring out into the night, inky blackness that overshadowed everything. It was beautiful, overwhelming, and fit just how his heart was feeling; an array of intense emotions he wasn't ready to deal with. A friend...no, brother was gone and now he was forced to go through the remainder of his life without him. He had his peace with it in a way but it still didn't make it hurt any less. He was moving on simply because that's what Raph would want him to; no other reason than that.

His thoughts a torrent when April spoke up: thanking him for coming and yet another apology for how she broke the news to him.

Only one of those statements was new to him.

"I had to say goodbye. I didn't want to...hell, I still don't but...I would have regretted it had I not come." he replied steadily, sniffing a bit when he realized his nose had began running.

April grew silent at his answer.

It shocked Casey to come to terms which how quiet she'd become.. The redhead once so feisty and stubborn, voice loud and rather smart-allecky at times had been muted; a small, slight hoarse voice all that remained in its place. It didn't fit her at all. It didn't belong to someone so fiery and determined.

Casey knew of her pain yet the depth of it he was still trying to understand. She was the one there when Raphael drew his last breath; dying in her arms and she could do nothing to help him. Forced to watch him die; forced to hold him as he did. He pictured her begging him to stay; to try and staunch the wound...all the blood... The vigilante couldn't imagine the horror she had to be experiencing. If he'd been the one to experience that, there would have been nothing holding him back from jumping off that rooftop he'd contemplated back in New York. To see that haunting image every time you blinked...to know he died saving her...it would have been far too much for him to bear.

He glanced to the redhead for a moment.

April staring out across the landscape. Blue eyes dull, watery, deeply bagged, and bloodshot; hair loose, a bit messy and wearing a wrinkled yellow sweatshirt and black yoga pants. It was obvious she'd been through hell. Casey imagined he looked much the same. It was clear that she was hurting even if she hid it really well. You wouldn't know it for she'd been a foundation for them. Kirby and her making dinner, cleaning, making sure they were comfortable as possible in this dire and seemingly hopeless situation.

The strength she showcased throughout all of this hell was astounding...

Seeing her now, it brought to light just perhaps why Raphael had been starting to see her in a different light in the months before his death. How the normally hotheaded, brash, rude terrapin growing a soft spot for her began to clear up. A half-smile forming on his face when he recalled the moment from months ago where the terrapin admitted his crush on her with a little coaxing.

A moment which may have been a lifetime ago...


It was a relatively quiet night.

Sirens blaring, cars honking, and people screaming - a normal night in New York City, if there was one.

Casey and Raphael were at their normal hangout spot on the rooftop of a long abandoned building. Shingles in disarray, windows cracked, and graffiti on every writable surface, but it was their place. A place to talk, eat toxic junk food, and most of the time, just ribbing on each other all before ultimately heading out to crack a few baddie's skulls.

Tonight was noticeably different though.

Raphael was strangely quiet; his soda lukewarm while cradled in his massive hand while he blankly stared out over the expanse of the city. The terrapin had been more absentminded than he'd ever been lately and it was tonight that Casey was starting to finally understand why.

April...

Raphael had been giving her one-on-one ninjitsu training for about two months. At first, all seemed normal. It wasn't until lately when Casey noticed the change. Raphael and April had begun spending a damn lot of time together outside the dojo. He'd catch them watching TV or videos on her laptop, playing video games, or just talking as if they were the only two people in the world.

Casey naturally grew suspicious.

After all, Raph wasn't one to ever hang out with her before all this; always straying and spending time with him instead. It was becoming all too clear that the thing happening between Raphael and April was more than just a teacher and student and even beyond friends...and it was time he confronted Raphael about it.

"You like her, don't you?" Casey spoke suddenly, tossing his empty soda can onto the roof with a thunk.

"Whataya talkin' about, Jones?" Raph growled, tensing a bit at the suddenness of his best friend's voice. Raphael suddenly turned his eyes to his hand and grimaced a bit when he no doubt noticed his soda was already lukewarm.

"April! You like her. Just admit it. I mean, fuck! Ya guys hang out all the time. You're trainin' her now and you spend an awfully lot amount of time with someone you're just supposedly trainin' with. Not to mention, you haven't said more than five words tonight! I finally get you out of the lair and all yer doin' is staring out into nothin' and I'm startin' to think a certain redhead may be the reason." Casey growled, laying it down on the table because that was the best way to get to Raphael if there was one.

Raphael grew quiet, his mouth in that barest hints of a scowl that meant a beat-down was coming. Casey was ready to run at the first sign of movement, but it surprisingly didn't happen. Instead, Raphael's glare softened and redirected itself to across the skyline; their place on the rooftop a perfect view of the whole city and its lights.

It was a full three minutes before Raph spoke.

"Even if I did, it doesn't matter." Raphael replied with a sigh, rubbing his hand along the back of his head; a gesture he did when he was especially nervous and unsure of his words or actions.

"Hell it does! It matters, dude!" Casey rebutted.

"No, Case. It doesn't." Raph spoke firmly, eyes finally meeting his for the first time tonight.

"Why the hell not? I mean, I can tell you like her and she's always happy spending time with you. Why wouldn't it? I doubt she cares you're a turtle cuz I don't."

"You hittin' on me, Jones?" Raph asked with a tilt of his brow ridges.

"Maybe." Casey teased, wiggling is rugged brows and giving kissy lips before getting socked hard in the shoulder. "Yeowch! That fuckin' hurt, dude!."

"Sorry to disappoint you, Jones, but I don't roll that way." Raphael replied with an eyeroll.

"Neither do I, I was just fuckin' with ya." Casey laughed and Raph gave him just a shake of his head in response. "But, seriously, dude. I really think April likes you too. Why else would she spend so much fuckin' time with you? It sure ain't your charming personality."

That earned him an epic scowl.

"Seriously, Raph, what's the harm in tellin' her?" Casey continued, trying desperately to save face at this point.

"Well, for one, she could fucking reject me."

"That goes for anybody dude. Besides, how will you know if you don't try?" Casey spoke seriously, hating seein' his best buddy so unsure of himself. This was the very cocky and self-assured Raphael after all; a self-conscious version just didn't fit him.

"No. I can't...I'd never do that to Donnie." Raphael grumbled; absentmindedly crushing the still half-full can in his hands.

"So, you admit you like her?" Casey chuckled and was just as surprised as anyone when Raphael looked over at him; the most serious expression he'd ever seen on his face.

"Yeah...Guess I do..." the terrapin quietly admitted.

"You haven't always though, have you?"

"Nah." Raphael responded quickly. "Not since after I started trainin' her. Before that, she was just some chick who came around and Donnie bothered. I dunno. She's pretty I guess but a lot of other girls are too. When I stared trainin' her, she just...seemed different somehow."

"Whataya mean?"

"More confident; determined. Not to mention fuckin' stubborn. Reminded me a lot of myself actually. I threw her to the mat and instead of complaining and whining like I expected her to - she got up. Brushed herself off and went at me again. I...I never saw that side of her before." Raphael admitted; the softness of his usually raspy voice was not one Casey was accustomed to hearing.

"She's a firecracker." Casey agreed.

"Yeah..." Raph murmured, placing the dented can near his feet before staring back out into the city. "She sure is somethin'..."

The two grew quiet for a long time.

Casey trying his damnedest to figure out a way to convince Raphael to tell April but nothing was coming to mind. If there was anything you never got in-between, that was the turtle brothers. Their bond was unlike nothing Casey had seen and he knew Raphael pushing Donnie aside to go for April was never going to happen. Even if April didn't feel anything toward Donnie and she made it clear, as long as Donnie felt anything toward her, Raphael would rather die than get in the way of his little brother's happiness.

Just yet another thing that always astonished him about Raph...

"Yet, I'm not gonna lie...I'm crazy about her, Case, and it drivin' me nuts..." Raph spoke suddenly, dragging a hand down his face. "It's fuckin' hard to be around her but...you can't help but want to. Even if you're totally destroyed by the end of it - it seems worth it..."

Then in a split second, Raphael turned and stared at him, a deadly glint in his ethereal green eyes.

"...and if you ever tell anyone what I said tonight - you're dead." Raph growled.

"Yeah, I know, I know. You'll rip me limb from limb. We've been over this before." Casey muttered. The two sitting back further into the roof as the night grew quiet around them again.

After a few moments, Casey turned and stared at Raphael's profile. The previous words the red-banded turtle spoke going back and forth in his head.

If he only knew then what was to transpire in only three short months and how Raphael's ultimate sacrifice would have such meaning. For in the end, it was this reason he perhaps saved her life - to let her know he cared in a way he never had a chance to say aloud...


"...he really liked you, ya know?" Casey spoke, not really sure why the words left his mouth. As much as he wanted to take Raph's secret to the grave for him; a part of him wanted April to know; hopefully ease her pain because he knew she felt solely responsible for Raph's death.

But that wasn't the case...

Raphael cared enough about her to save her and if anything, that should comfort her. The reasoning is because after all, it was his choice and if she knew Raph as well as he believed she did, there was no force on Heaven or Earth that would stop him from doing so.

"...what?" April gasped, her bloodshot eyes welling with tears.

"He thought he hid it pretty good from you and me - not to mention Donnie."

"W-What are you talking about, Casey?" April asked, a desperate whimper escaping from her lips.

"Heh...Raph... He was fuckin' crazy about you, April..." Casey chuckled, meeting her eyes; the barest hints of a smile lifting the corners of his mouth. Not even noticing the single tear that dripped down his cheek as he told her.

"..." the shock that registered on April's face was to be expected but what he didn't expect were the tears that began silently leaking down her eyes all while she continued to stare in complete disbelief at him.

"One night he kinda blurted it out - well, I pried it outta him but same difference, huh? He said he liked you...a lot...but never planned to tell you." Casey admitted.

"..." April turned away with a shaky breath, her eyes returning to stare at some fixed point in the distance.

"It was only after he started trainin' ya." Casey began to elaborate after a moment as if only to fill the silence, "He said there was something about cha he never noticed before and I think he was crushin' on ya pretty hard, but ya know, he'd never tell you because he never wanted to hurt Donnie."

Tears fell onto clenched fists; her heart slamming against her sternum as she listened to Casey's words. April's mind a torrent of emotion as she grasped and absorbed the information not entirely sure what to think yet the tears continued to flow.

"I was never gonna tell ya and if he was here he'd probably be stranglin' me at this very moment...Heh...but I thought you might wanna know." Casey chuckled, his eyes gravitating toward the moon high above; it's crescent glow bathing the entire area in a beautiful bluish-white light.

A long time passed with no words spoken, April's choppy breaths were all the punctuated the all-encompassing silence.

It wasn't until the all-encompassing silence reigned when Casey started to feel a deep pang of regret. He was exactly sure why he had told her especially so suddenly, but the words just came out. It wasn't until hindsight he perhaps wondered if he just made it worse. Casey glanced back over at her; April's blue eyes trained at some fixed point in the distance as if she was lost in her own world, the tears had not ceased. The sight of them causing his chest to clench.

Yet, he didn't speak. The soft breeze rustling nearby trees and cicadas chirping loudly in the forest providing the only sound filling the area until a small voice spoke up.

"Why are you telling me this now?" April whispered; the shaky, tormented question almost carried away with the slight breeze.

Casey took a moment to think before he answered, "I know you're hurting, April. I can't even imagine how you feel considering what you've been through. I just...I wanted you to know that Raph cared about you. That's the reason he saved you, April." Casey replied, brown eyes gazing into her blue. "Regardless if he had a crush or not, I don't think it would have changed nothin'. Raph would have done it anyway...I know he would've..."

April's misty eyes remained boring into his own; her hands and bottom lip trembling as she came to terms with it all. Words she never expected; a confession she never would have known otherwise...It was all just too much to absorb. Feeling overwhelmed, April leaned heavier onto the banister; eyes closing firmly as tears began tumbling unheeded down her cheeks.

Casey grew quiet; his chest clenching as he witnessed April begin further falling apart in front of his eyes. The slight burn of regret reared its ugly head again and he questioned if it was wise to tell her but it was too late.

"I didn't mean for it to hurt you. I-I just thought you'd want to know...and...maybe it'll help you get through this..." Casey whispered, reaching out to touch her shoulder but quickly second-guessed himself and pulled away.

"..." April remained silent as night; glistening tears streaming down her reddened cheeks.

Without speaking another word in fear of only making her pain more unbearable, Casey Jones walked back inside the cabin.