-๑-๑ ஜ ๑- Chapter 17: Help me -๑ ஜ ๑-๑-
"What do you think is going on in Tom's head?" Stepping inside his newly bought apartment Izaya had asked the question without bothering to look at the blond.
A shrug was given as Shizuo closed the door.
"Maybe changing jobs." The apartment was more than just fancy. The living room looked as though it had been designed by some well known artist. Various geometric shapes and tinges of gold and white had been aligned in a fashion Shizuo wasn't too sure he liked.
"Jobs? Why that?" Izaya asked, mindlessly rummaging in what seemed to be a fridge made solely for wine.
"Because you obviously earn more than half of the city if you can buy an entire apartment on a hunch like that."
Shizuo informed, while taking a seat on the way to the huge couch. At least it was comfortable. Some kind of soft fabric made up its surface and it felt warm to the touch.
"I could show him, would be easy." Izaya announced, fishing out a pair of glasses only to pour the chosen wine into them.
"Don't."
"You would end up jobless then, right?" Izaya laughed, walking over to the couch as well. Taking a seat he set one of the glasses to his lips while placing the other in front of Shizuo.
"Ah, I don't like alcohol." the blond informed, realizing upon speaking that Izaya probably knew that much.
Eyes met for a second and the raven averted his eyes shortly before glancing at him again.
"For me?"
The blond hesitated- then wordlessly took it.
Pleased by the action, Izaya smiled.
"I could hire you too, you know?" Izaya nodded to himself, addressing the issue of future jobs once more.
"Me?" Shizuo asked doubtingly.
"As a bodyguard, just like Tom, if I had had you guarding me then-"
Izaya fell silent.
A big sip was taken from the glass as the truth of why they were sitting inside this apartment like this became a bit too real to stomach.
He was right.
If Shizuo had been there no one would have touched the flea. No one could have harmed him in any way.
But he hadn't been there.
Only later he appeared.
Gruesome memories of the day he found Izaya resurfaced from his mind and Shizuo took a sip of the bitter wine to drown the memory out.
It didn't help much, however, and instead his curiosity spiked.
"Izaya, can I ask you something?" he started slowly, as if trying to not scare away a wild bird.
Izaya shrugged.
"Go ahead. Whether you will get an answer is a different topic though."
Fumbling for words, Shizuo's expression narrowed.
"...why my place?"
Izaya visibly tensed. There was no need for Shizu-chan to go into further detail. Izaya knew what he was getting at.
Why he had dragged himself to his apartment after he had been raped.
"Ah, I don't like this question all too much," he mouthed slowly- and yet- "Ask me again later."
Shizuo felt his hope spark as he glanced at Izaya. "My turn." the raben announced, getting more comfortable as he turned to the side, arm resting on the back lean and legs crossed.
"Why are you here?"
Slightly dumbfounded Shizuo blinked.
"Because you invited me?"
Short laughter bubbled from Izaya's throat as he shook his head.
"No. That's not what I meant, I-" he seemed to struggle for words as he fumbled with one of his silver rings. "I see you. You are watching out for me. In your weird proterozoic way."
Shizuo couldn't deny that.
"... is that bad?" he asked, but to his relief Izaya shook his head.
"Not really."
Again the raven set the glass to his lips. This time he didn't just take a sip, instead he downed half of the glass at once.
Shizuo was about to ask Izaya to stop, not quite looking forward to a drunk flea maybe getting a panic attack or anything similarly traumatizing. But Izaya was faster as his lips quickly spurred into motion.
"I dragged myself to your place because I didn't want them to win." The words weighed heavily in the air. Shizuo fell silent. He hadn't expected the raven to give an answer at all, not to mention so quickly.
It was a dire topic.
It made his throat grow tight and anger bubble to the surface.
"They already succeeded in raping, humiliating and injuring me," Izaya continued, the word rape only dounding that much harsher when it came out of his own mouth. "I just didn't want them to succeed in killing me as well. At last. I wanted to deny them one thing."
Bitterness overtook the raven and he frowned as he set his lips onto his glass once more.
Taking a big sip he emptied what was left in one go.
It was quiet in the apartment. Shizuo had fallen silent, probably unsure of what to say, and Izaya didn't feel a particular need to talk either.
Grasping the bottle he brought from the kitchen he filled his glass once more.
"And you thought I would kill you once I see you?"
The words disrupted the pleasant silence like a train derailing from a trail.
Izaya swallowed.
"I did."
A hand rose to Shizuo's forehead as he groaned.
"...just how much of a monster do you think I am."
Confused, the raven blinked. It took him a few seconds to realize the misconception Shizuo had drawn. "None," he quickly voiced, facing even more confusion. "Shizu-chan, I didn't think you would kill me because you hate me or I stained your couch with blood," Izaya explained, making sure the blond could follow his thoughts. "I thought you would do it for mercy."
Ah.
Thinking about it, that line of thinking wasn't exactly normal. Izaya couldn't help but show a bitter smile as he averted his gaze.
"Sorry it's kinda crazy now that I think about it." Rings were turned as Izaya's hands fidgeted. "...I just- I know you wouldn't leave me hanging if that makes sense." A short glance cast up to meet Shizuo's eyes. "I mean you are here right now- if that's not proof then I wonder what is."
Words failed the blond as he took in what Izaya had said. Izaya trusted him. A warmth of unknown kind spread in Shizuo's chest at the realization.
A feeling he never thought he would get from the flea.
A bond.
No matter how fucked up and crooked it was, they shared one after all.
And suddenly it hurt all the more to know what those assholes did to Izaya.
The couch shifted as the raven moved. Casually moving over he let his back lean on Shizuo's arm and his head on his shoulder as he twirled the wine in his glass.
"Do you think they regret it?" Shizuo's blood boiled at the question.
"I hope so. If not, I will make them." Izaya chuckled.
"Woah, scary."
Letting his hand trail down to Shizuo's, Izaya drew patterns on it with his finger.
It was an obvious distraction. Shizuo let it happen. "I like to think they are scared shitless by now. Knowing what they did, knowing what I can do." The hand stopped in motion for a second. "Knowing I'm still alive and ready to strike."
Shizuo didn't move in the slightest. Izaya was like a wild animal.
One wrong word or move and he knew Izaya would be gone like that. Just walk out of the door. "It's assuring to view them as scared." Izaya continued, "Because everything else is just…" he faded out. Another sip of wine was taken.
Shizuo wanted to reply something, comfort the raven- but how? No words came to mind.
Taking a sip of the wine himself Shizuo felt a first time urge to get drunk as well.
Setting down the glass he caught the flea staring at him.
"What?"
Izaya shook his head.
"Nothing." That's what he said, and yet his eyes said so much more.
Putting the glass onto the table, Izaya suddenly drew closer.
Their eyes were mere inches apart as the raven whispered.
"Shizu-chan, would you like to distract me?"
Yes.
"How?"
And suddenly he closed the distance. His eyes were lid.
Half with wine half with obvious desire-
but also pain and despair mixing into a dangerous cocktail of want.
Izaya was craving heat.
Craving something real.
Something good.
And Shizuo felt extremely caught. Like a spider in a net.
Woven so carefully.
"Would you do me the favor?" Izaya asked.
What favor?
An explosion of fireworks fluttered inside his chest. Soft, like a butterfly's wings kissing the first flower of spring, Izaya's lips brushed over Shizuo's.
Softly.
Slowly.
A hand brushed alongst Shizuo's cheek.
The sensation was new- fascinating, alluring.
Hand sneaking to Izaya's side, Shizuo pulled the flea a little closer.
He seemed to enjoy the attention.
Circles were drawn on his neck, shoulder, arms and hands.
Before he knew it the raven moved even closer, slipping into his lap.
Shit.
This was good.
Hell, better than anything Shizuo ever felt- but was it what the flea really wanted?
"Izaya-" Shizuo breathed shortly, pushing a little at Izaya's chest. He intended to make the flea stop, maybe take a second to think. But it seemed Izaya didn't want to think.
Leaning in for another kiss, Shizuo's hands slipped to Izaya's waist. He trailed to his hip, underneath his shirt by chance, really.
And suddenly Izaya froze.
Involuntarily his body drowned in ice cold water as a hint of nausea surfaced from his mind.
"Wait-" Izaya breathed- his eyes suddenly wide, yet distant. The choking feeling of tears grasped his throat and Izaya cursed himself for not being able to control his body.
Everything was fine- this was just Shizu-chan- so why?!
Shizuo noticed the change as quick as it appeared.
Izaya seemed distraught. His hands were shaking.
It tore Shizuo's heart to see him like this.
"Izaya look at me-" he pleaded, raising his hands to cup Izaya's face.
Softly, with no force- he was too scared of what might happen if he restrained the flea in any way.
"Everything is okay, Izaya," he tried again. Every second tightened Shizuo's chest even worse. He saw the pain. He saw the lack of control in Izaya's emotions.
The way he craved stability, for something real, for help.
It devastated the blond to know he had no idea how to provide those things.
And Izaya noticed.
Izaya saw his eyes, so full of raw emotion.
So raw.
So new.
Slowly he calmed down. It took a few moments to return to here and now.
"Sorry, I-" Izaya started, his voice shaking. His hands were cold- he didn't know what was wrong with him. This was Shizu-chan. Not some stranger, not one of those assholes- so why?
The lack of control over his own mind was exasperating.
He felt like he were falling into an endless abyss. His stomach dropped.
"Izaya." Shizuo's voice caught him, like a rope dangling from the ledge. "Everything is okay. Noone will hurt you. Never again. I-" Shizuo rambled a bit, saying the exact same things Izaya repeated to himself.
Shizuo seemed lost.
Just as lost as him.
And suddenly he was just there in the abyss along with Izaya.
Rambling like his life depended on it.
A soft smile forced its way onto Izaya's lips.
Somehow seeing the blond even more frantic than Izaya felt, had an assuring effect. It was calming.
He wasn't alone.
Taking the hands off his cheek the raven leaned forward once more, connecting their lips in a kiss.
Shizuo froze.
Like a statue of marble.
He didn't know what to do what to say what to-
"Say Shizu-chan, can you make me forget?" Izaya suddenly whispered, "I don't want this stuck in my head."
Shizuo visibly tensed, every fiber in his body repulsing any action.
"I'm not going to touch you while you tremble like this-" he blurted out, only afterwards realizing how blunt the words had sounded.
It was the opposite of what he had wanted. Izaya's expression fell a little at the words.
Yet he couldn't deny their truth. He was trembling. He was scared.
Of what he wasn't even too sure anymore. And it was exasperating.
Pained eyes met Shizuos as Izaya's gaze met his own.
"Then make it stop." An impossible request. What could Shizuo possibly do? He couldn't revert time, he couldn't undo what had already happened, he couldn't make Izaya forget.
Eyes turning soft, the blond gazed at the raven. A raven that seemed to be so sure Shizuo could do what he asked of him.
"How?"
A bitter chuckle followed from Izaya's part as his eyes reflected nothing but sheer trust.
"I don't know but if anyone can then it's probably you."
to be continued~
Sorry took a little long to update xD But! Now I have returned xD And I shall update every friday from now on hahaha
