Hurt - Chapter 23
Rated: T
Deteriorate
Chapter Summary: April can't believe anything anymore...
I'm sorry for such a short chapter but considering the next chapter's planned length and how much it veers off, this one stood better on its own.
April wasn't sure how long she remained outside; only knowing the dawn was close before she finally forced herself to retreat back into the confines of the cabin. Her mind remaining a torrent of emotions she wasn't ready to face but yet was forced to.
Casey's news of Raph's supposed hidden feelings was nothing she could have prepared herself for. It shook her to the core... Just the inkling of those six-months they were training together that Raphael felt something other than friendship toward her.
Sure, they'd grown close but...
April froze in front of her bedroom door; the sensation of an icy vice-grip brutally squeezing her heart causing her to stop dead in her tracks.
So many moments began flashing in front of her eyes. Numerous days and countless hours her and Raphael spent together outside the dojo. Whether it be watching awful, cheesy horror movies, playing violent video games or just reading random magazines side by side in the turtles' living room. They'd be sitting next to each other at dinner; laughing at Mikey's antics or one of the many inside jokes they developed during that day. It probably seemed to strange to the outside parties looking in by how familiar they were at this point considering before this, how they'd seem like virtual strangers.
It didn't end there. Even when April left the lair to go back to her own life above ground, he'd regularly stop by her place. She'd be doing homework when a knock on her bedroom window drew her attention to it. A flash of red and green had her opening the pane and there he'd be perched on her narrow roof and stating he was there to get away from his brothers. April instantly let him in.
Raph's frequent presence never bothered her one bit.
April had grown to immensely enjoy his company and she'd happily have him over for hours on end and even overnight on occasion. They'd spend time alone at her place (when her dad was out of town) eating greasy take-out, playing cards or board games, or just talking about nothing... The few times her dad was there, Raphael even humored him by listening to the latest schematics he'd do at work as she made snacks. April couldn't help but smile at the memory thinking he perhaps did the same for Donnie on occasion...
The flashes of those moments were so vivid. The times he made her laugh with their shared dry sarcastic humor and the few times she got a true smile out of him. The way his eyes lit up and he smiled wide enough to showcase a dimple she wasn't aware he had...
It felt like they took place over a lifetime ago...
April just couldn't grasp it at all.
Raphael had never shown interest in her romantic or otherwise. He was just a friend; a good friend she could count on to talk to or just be quiet with. For some reason, April didn't want to believe it. Didn't want to even fathom it because it just hurt too much...
Hand languidly twisting her door handle, April refused. She simply didn't want to accept what Casey said and didn't care if it was sheer denial, she refused to believe Raphael felt anything more than friendship...
Because if it was more than that; she was certain she'd completely fall apart.
April didn't want to think about it. Didn't want to dwell on their friendship other than what it was; no other inkling than what it appeared above the surface. Not accepting of any connotations of what may have been buried underneath. Didn't care to fathom her own feelings either; those pesky little things that caused her stomach to ache the few times he accidentally grasped her hand while they were sharing a bowl of popcorn or physically correcting her stance during a difficult kata. How gentle he was with her; a gentleness the normally brash turtle shouldn't have been capable of...
Those tiny instances she ignored for so long...
A sharp cry left her throat as she closed the door behind her and collapsed to the hard wooden floor; hands pulling at her hair as she denied everything. For what the hell did any of it matter now?
Raphael was dead and he wasn't coming back.
Any indication of things left unsaid were worthless now; gone with the wind. Buried with him where they were to remain for the rest of time. It didn't matter right at this moment; wouldn't matter tomorrow or even years from now. Looking back now and questioning things she may have missed out on; chances lost and left behind were just that...
Gone...
Just like him...
Breath horribly shallow and choppy, April wept.
Stomach clenching in nearly unbearable agony; tears that should have run out a long time ago slipped in torrents down her cheeks. She craved to be numb; not to feel the torrential downpour of pain that kept crashing to her shore in endless sharp, icy waves. So many questions unanswered; fleeting glimpses into past events and hopes for any future dashed. All she was left with was agony; pain and grief a new presence that didn't have any intention of leaving. A miserable life awaited; one with far too many questions and not enough answers...what-ifs and what could have been's scattered like dust in the unforgiving wind...
It wasn't long before her fragile strength failed in keeping her upright.
April had little choice than to curl into the frigid wooden floor beneath her. Sobbing uncontrollably, flickering breaths becoming shallow and rare as she screamed out all her frustrations and pain into her sodden hands. Loss, grief, and the dark shadows of horrifying, never-ending regrets burrowing underneath her skin and digging ruthlessly into her the tattered remains of her very soul where she'd endlessly search for relief she'd never feel again...
April supposed she deserved this hell; this torrential rain of non-stop torture for she brought it into her friend's lives. Her actions taking away a best friend, a brother, and devoted son through a fault all her own. The demons and grief she faces now were well deserved for she had no one to blame but herself...
It was her burden to hear; one she believed she couldn't carry much longer...
April gasped for air; her sobs seemingly endless as her world continued to deteriorate all around her. A life she never imaged she'd be living right now. A hellish existence to where she was solely responsible for one of her dearest friend's deaths and there was nothing she could do about it...
With nowhere to turn; nowhere to redirect the indescribable pain, she wept. Her stomach and lungs raw as the tears washed over her face; it wasn't long until she fell into a dark, mercifully dreamless sleep curled up in front of her door.
