Hurt - Chapter 24
Rated: T
Abandoned/Farewell
Chapter Summary: Some goodbyes are never easy even if they're not forever.
Splinter silently nursed a cup of lukewarm tea in his shaking paws; his distorted reflection staring up from him from the muddied green beverage. This past week since they arrived weighing on him harder than before. A visceral depression staking permanent residence in his chest; a dreary feeling he never imagined he'd experience since losing his wife and daughter. As silly as it sounded, he would wake up believing Raphael's death was all a bad dream only to have to accept the hellish reality of it.
Still, Hamato Yoshi moved forward; he needed to be strong for his remaining children regardless of how much emotional agony he had buried inside.
A sudden hand on his shoulder brought him out of his inner musings.
"Good Morning, Yoshi, have you seen April?" Kirby O'Neil asked. The man looking worse for wear; his eyes heavily bagged and appeared to lose even more of his remaining hair these past few weeks. Even if Kirby was not incredibly saddened by Raphael's death, seeing his daughter in such horrendous distress couldn't be easy to stomach.
"No, I haven't. Perhaps she is still asleep." Yoshi spoke after clearing his throat; trying to ignore the fact it was already mid-afternoon and April was usually the first one up.
"Maybe. She hasn't been sleeping much, she's probably just tired. Like we all are I suppose." Kirby replied, running a hand over his balding head.
"Kirby."
"Hmm?"
"You seem in great distress. Is something the matter?" Splinter asked. This kind man had been so good to him since his son's death. Giving him a place to bury him and even to live if he so desired; not to mention met all of their physical needs on top of it all. Never had humankind been nicer to him since he was mutated. It only made sense to make sure Kirby was taken care of as well even if was just a friendly ear.
"I'm just conflicted is all." Kirby shrugged and was stunned into silence when Splinter offered the stool next to him. He took it.
"What is bothering you?" Splinter asked, taking a long languid sip of his tea.
"Staying here with April is imperative during this difficult time, but last night, I received an urgent e-mail from my superintendent. There's a crisis going down at the plant and he gave me an ultimatum - either I head back to the city as soon as possible or I have to look for employment elsewhere."
Splinter nodded bleakly in understanding.
"The problem is though... I don't know how April is going to take that. She's so fragile right now, I just... I need to be here for her but... I need this job too. I have fifteen years in this company; it pays well and keeps me well-ahead of all the bills. I... I really don't know what to do, Yoshi." Kirby admitted, rubbing his hands over his tired face.
"You need to go back to it." Splinter responded quickly. "You must to keep you able to provide for your daughter. She's strong. She'll understand why you need to."
"I know, but... Yoshi, she's never been like this. Not even during her mother's disappearance was she so irrevocably broken."
"April's seen something no one should. Lived through having someone close to her die in her arms... It's something viably horrid pulling at your stomach at all times... Believe me, I know..." Yoshi whispered, breaking his gaze with the man to look at some fixed point in the kitchen.
Kirby was quiet as he studied Splinter's profile; chest aching as he recalled Splinter's tale of having his wife die in his arms as his house went up in flames.
"I know what she'd going through. Now, Kirby. It's important you keep your job, and don't worry about April. We'll be here for her." Splinter reassured, placing a firm hand on the man's quivering shoulder.
Kirby just nodded before leaving the table.
"April?" Kirby whispered after lightly knocking on the door. Nerves shot and quite a bit tense when his daughter never showed up for breakfast. He brushed it off knowing how little sleep she got but when she never appeared for lunch, he knew something wasn't right.
"April?" he asked louder. A bit more frantic in the fact that none of the cabin's occupants had seen her up and about either. Splinter's words of comfort were doing little to alleviate his stress about her condition as well as telling her the bad news of his departure.
"April!" Kirby finally lost his cool, bumping his fist hard against the wood with a sharp 'thwack'.
Taken aback by the jiggle of the door handle and someone turning it from the other side. The man remained completely silent as April opened the door and he was immediately concerned when he saw her face. Eyes bloodshot and wet, tear tracks apparent down her face, hair tangled, and clothes disheveled; in short, she was a mess.
"April? Honey..." Kirby mumbled, reaching out to wipe a stray tear from his daughter's face. He tried to hide his disappointment when she visibly flinched away from his touch.
"W-What do you need, dad?" she asked nasally, sniffling while wiping her arm across her face.
"May I come in?"
Kirby wasn't exactly sure how to handle this situation but knew talking to his daughter was in order.
April didn't answer immediately; she just looked hopelessly at her father before she stepped back to allow him entrance.
Slightly discouraged at the direction this was going; Kirby squared his shoulders and entered the door; shutting it behind him before directing her to sit on the bed. Once seated, he moved again to run a hand along her loose hair; this time, he was surprised when she pushed into his hand.
"What happened last night, April? I mean, I know it's been difficult to deal with this, but...what happened? You've never been like this..."
"Nothing... Just tired I guess..." April responded; not exactly wanting to tell her father the entire truth. She didn't want anyone mad at Casey for making it worse; she'd rather deal with his indications on her own.
"It's not easy. Believe me, I know." While not exactly buying it, the last thing Kirby wanted was to pry. Instead, he just wrapped an arm around her thinning shoulders and pulling her to rest on his chest.
"I just...I really miss him today..." April responded truthfully, hands grasping his turtleneck sweater as her eyes burned with fresh tears with the very thought of Raphael. If he was here right now, he'd probably be pushing her through another kata and even if it was annoying at times, she'd give anything to do it with him now.
"I know, hon... I know..."
The atmosphere grew quiet; the only sound punctuating the silence was April's frequent sniffling and barely concealed sobs. Kirby rubbed her back in slow circles; desperate to comfort his broken daughter and just wishing it was possible to take her pain away.
"I have something to tell you, April." Kirby broke the silence knowing it wasn't going to be easy but time was of the essence and there couldn't be any more delays.
"What?" she whimpered before clearing her throat, pushing away from his chest to look him in the eye.
"I got an e-mail last night from Mr. Williams."
"Your boss?"
"Yeah."
"...What does he want?"
Kirby let out a sigh before responding, "He wants me back in New York by tonight."
"..." April's eyes widened but she didn't speak.
"He also kindly informed me that if I didn't - I'd be unemployed."
"What?! He can't do that! It's not right! That's blackmail!" she exclaimed, her voice cracking with the stress that had been on it for the past few weeks.
"April. There's an existential crisis going on in the company right now and my seniority gives me the means necessary to deal with this properly. I should feel honored that he'd ask me to do this."
"...So, you're going?"
"I don't have a choice April. You know I need this job..."
April grew silent; fresh tears springing into her eyes as she stared up at her father.
"Believe me, sweetie, I don't want to leave you, but I need to go." Kirby soothed, running his hand along her back.
April felt so unbelievably selfish in this moment; making her father feel guilty for leaving when he'd done nothing but constantly be by her side the entire time. Housing her, feeding her and taking care of her after her mother disappeared. Working hellishly long hours to provide for her and to think she almost had the audacity to beg him to stay. Her father losing his job would just be completely detrimental and heartbreaking in the long run and she knew there was no way she could ask that of him.
"Okay." she responded after a moment, leaning her head to rest on his shoulder.
"Thank you, honey. You know I really don't want to go, April. I understand that you're still dealing with a lot of emotional turmoil and I know you don't necessarily feel comfortable around his family right now." Kirby spoke and April was frozen by the truth of his words.
...was it really that obvious?
April gazed helplessly at her father; fresh tears stinging her bloodshot eyes.
Kirby just smiled gently at her; running his hand along her face to brush away a falling tear.
"They're going through hell, April. Losing a family member to violence is not easy but believe me, they understand what you're going through too."
April turned her eyes away.
Kirby pulled her face back to look at him.
"I know you'll be okay but, if you really want, you can come home with me."
"B-But they need food! They can't just go drive to the store to get food or whatever else they need!"
"We can spend the rest of the day buying a lot of necessities to stockpile for them so you can leave. It's up to you." Kirby offered, removing his hand and placing them to his side.
April grew silent, her eyes straying to her lap as she took in her father's offer. The temptation of just going home was great; being around his family and their grief only further accelerating her own. Yet, she stopped; recalling her promise to Raphael...
"No. I need to stay..." April answered after letting out a choppy sigh.
"You sure, April?" he asked, resting a comforting hand on her shoulder.
"Yeah..."
Kirby smiled lightly, pulling her in for a hug and hated how his arms shook as she buried her face in his chest. The father trying desperately not to cry when April began sobbing in his chest. Comforting her the best he could with rubbing wide circles on her back in languid strokes. Holding her as she fell apart in his arms.
"You'll be okay..." he whispered and he felt like the biggest liar when the words left his mouth.
Casey Jones was silent as he approached the door of the kitchen.
All was pretty quiet since Kirby O'Neil left yesterday afternoon. There was a shift in the house; the man's responsibilities falling to April and himself to keep things afloat. It wouldn't have been too bad if he'd not said a word that night. Call it an indiscretion or a slip of the tongue but one thing was certain; he couldn't take it back. Now forced to live with probably further damaging April's emotional state was something he'd have to live with. Casey wasn't sure if he'd necessarily call it a regret on his part because some other side of him felt relieved that he told her for she deserved to know.
Still, it made things awkward between him and the redhead.
The familiar sensation of his gut clenching amid the thoughts of their last confrontation fresh in his mind. How she broke down and cried and he just stood there like a gaping fish. He didn't even try comforting her; just left her to cry all alone... A demented part of his psyche felt it was somehow deserved for how she broke the news of his best friend's death to him but knew that was a horrendously cruel thought the instant it arose. This was all just a bunch of hellish circumstances that exploded around them. Such inner turmoil none of which knew exactly how to deal with it yet alone handle the way they were supposed to. They were all just lost and dealing with it the best they could...
Casey wasn't sure how long he stood there looking at the back of April's head from his vantage point in the doorway. Words he needed to say slipped out much like they did the previous night.
"Hey, Red." he said while approaching her side.
"...hey." she replied, barely flinching at the sound of his voice and presence by her side as she continued to cut up the vegetables for dinner. The soft clack of the knife hitting the cutting board sounding like a bomb going off amid the pauses in their "conversation".
Casey fought an inner battle with himself on what he should say. All he knew was he needed to say something. Ultimately deciding that the sooner he apologized, the sooner it would be over and their fragile friendship could be rectified.
"Listen, April, I'm sorry, perhaps I shouldn't have told you somethin' like that, but - "
"Casey." April stopped, the knife she was using to chop the potatoes now lay flat beside the cutting board. For a long time he looked at her profile, the barely contained pain lacing those reddened eyes was making his stomach churn uncomfortably. "...it's okay...really." she finally finished with a distressed sigh, moving to wipe her eyes before going back to the task at hand.
Casey wanted to speak; wanted to get all of the words out in the open but he decided not to. He'd already said far too much and if he insisted, he pictured it only growing far worse...
"Ya need a hand?" he decided upon.
April's motions stopped upon his offer. Knife frozen between slicing a piece of carrot before she looked up at him and gave him a stiff nod.
"Yeah. That'd be great."
Handing him a bowl of already chopped veg, she silently motioned to a covered boiling pot.
Upon removing said lid, the fragrant smell of beef and spices were emitted. A stew he supposed. Taking a glance to his hand where diced pieces of carrots, celery, onion, and potato stared up at him. Without needing her to speak further, he gingerly emptied them into the boiling pot before taking the wooden spoon nearby and stirring them in.
"I'm used to yer dad doin' this, I guess." he admitted meekly when he had to wipe up a bit of liquid that splashed atop the stove from his erratic stirring.
"Yeah. Me too." April spoke; her words not evoking much emotion. The redhead didn't elaborate further; gathering up the inedible bits and wrinkled ends of the vegetables and putting them into the compost bucket near the backdoor.
"Splinter told me yer dad had to go back to work." Casey said, desperate to keep this conversation going and hopefully get to a comfortable level of conversing with her.
"Yeah. He didn't want to but he didn't have much of a choice. If he didn't leave back to New York City immediately, he was going to lose his job."
Casey wasn't exactly sure how to answer that so he asked another question.
"Ya didn't want to go back to the city with him?"
"No," she answered after a short sigh, "I wasn't ready to leave yet. I need to be sure Splinter, Mikey, Donnie, and Leo have everything they need... I just couldn't leave them here to fend for themselves..."
Casey just nodded in understanding.
Watching in silence as April began moving the used cutting board and knife into the sink and washing them. The sound of her scrubbing the board and knife had him needing something to do; so, without prompting, he moved to stir the simmering stew. The two worked in comfortable silence, April pulling out a bag of frozen dinner rolls from the freezer and prepping the oven and melting some butter as Casey placed them on baking trays.
All of a sudden, Casey chuckled, fresh tears springing to his eyes as he finished laying out the rolls in haphazard lines.
"What is it?" April asked curiously from near the stove.
"Just...remembering some stuff." he replied vaguely.
"..." April remained silent and awaited for elaboration. It was a few minutes before the vigilante answered her.
"I just remember this one time a few months ago when I went to the lair. Mikey was laying on the couch moaning like crazy; whining about how he was miserable and going to die. Raph just rolled his eyes; calling Mikey a big baby and reminding him that Donnie said it was only a bad cold. Yet, Mikey kept whining so Raph thought he'd make him some soup to get him to shut up...even though I'm certain it was more than that..."
April turned her attention away from the oven and back to Casey. The teen leaning on the kitchen island staring off at some place on the floor as he continued to speak.
"The second I walked in that kitchen, I swear I coulda retched. I had no idea what the hell he added to that soup to make it smell so bad, but...underneath that angry and frustrated exterior, I could tell Raph was worried about Mikey and wanted to do somethin' for him. Few ever saw this side of Raph. The guy really cared about his brothers even if he normally tried to deny it; he did." Casey spoke, wiping a quick arm across his face when his eyes started watering.
All of a sudden, Casey chuckled, "Even when he brought it to Mikey, the kid fuckin' ate it. I could tell by the look on his face it probably was doing more harm than good, but... He ate it anyway..."
"Sounds like something Mikey would do." April smiled while rechecking the oven temp. Anything to keep her mind occupied and not break out in tears like she wanted to.
"I don't even think Raph knew how much he meant to them...I just don't know how they're gonna move on, April..." Casey admitted lowly.
"...I don't know how any of us are..." April replied after a long quiet reprieve; still not looking at him when the oven timer beeped and she moved to retrieve the pans.
Casey moved to help her finish the rolls, quietly brushing on the butter as she went back to stir the stew and taste it for spice and herb adjustments. April stared into the pot, the bubbles of the boiling liquid staring at her as she tried to quell the burning in the backs of her eyes. There was so much pain and agony twisting her heart in her chest that it was almost unbearable.
"Raph would want us too though, ya know..." Casey spoke up.
April instinctively looked back at Casey and wishes she didn't. The young vigilante hiding his face in his hands; it was obvious by his sharp breath he was trying desperately not to cry.
"Why did he make lookin' strong so fuckin' easy?" Casey whimpered into his hands.
"I ask myself that all the time..." April replied, placing the oven mitts to the side before she suddenly found herself in Casey's embrace. This time, she more than welcomed it.
Yet another week passed.
The work around the house kept April and Casey occupied most of the time; pushing grief to the side as the two humans strove to keep the turtles and Splinter comfortable.
Whether it be shopping or preparing dinner; there was little time to think about their loss. Focusing on Raph's family to make sure their needs were met. Yet, it wasn't easy in the least. There were still the sleepless nights and agony that reared its ugly head on occasion. It was maddening just how the smallest things could set off a waterfall of emotions none of them could expect. As April dealt with it in strides, it was eating Casey up alive.
It was at this point in time a shift occurred; Casey began to grow antsy. Just being here and having to see Raphael's grave everyday and realize the impact of his absence began to take its toll. He grew restless and in need of greater distraction than helping April with dinner or cleaning could accomplish.
Casey needed change; needed to move on before grief completely overwhelmed him to where he no longer could function...
So, one evening as he went to go buy groceries at a local general store. Inside, he borrowed the owner's phone and called someone he hadn't spoken to in years. His uncle. Casey was surprised at how happy the man was to speak with him. As they got reacquainted and caught up, Casey told him vague details. His best fried dying and was now living in a cabin with his whole life in the back of his beat-up truck.
Little did Casey know what his uncle was going to say next...
"Where have you been, Casey?" April whispered from the couch when he reappeared through the cabin's squeaky screen door.
Casey stopped the quick answer when he saw Mikey fast asleep with his head in her cushioned lap.
"I told ya. I went to the store, Red." he decided upon as he plopped down in the recliner.
"For three hours?"
"That general store sure ain't close, O'Neil."
"Casey, it's almost 10 pm and I'm sure that place closes by 8. Where we you?"
"Maybe I just went for a drive afterward, okay? Yer not my mom..." Casey replied in a bit of a frustrated tone.
April grew silent for a long moment before replying, "...Sorry. It's not you had to be here, it's just - I was just worried since you don't have a cell phone. That old truck of yours could have broken down and we wouldn't have known about it." April informed with the barest hints of disciplinary tones in her voice as she quietly ran her hand along Mikey's smooth dome.
"Well, I don't have much of a choice. Donnie won't let me touch the Shellraiser."
"For good reason! You almost crashed into the cabin last time."
"Meh. I dodged it when I saw it."
April just rolled her eyes and pretended to be interested in whatever was on television. The lack of sleep and horrible insomnia was really taking its toll on her lately. She was quickly caving to anger easily and old motherly habits that died hard.
"So where's Splinter, Donnie, and Leo?" Casey asked in a desperate attempt to change the subject.
"Asleep surprisingly. Or in their rooms rather; probably toss and turn all night like I do..." she sighed, quieting down when the youngest turtle shifted in her lap. "I'm just glad Mikey fell asleep... It's been a few days since he'd had a good night's rest." She subconsciously glanced over to Casey who hadn't looked up from his lap. The teen vigilante looked just...lost and more tired than he had ever been.
Not wanting to push or scold him, April stayed quiet. Trying her damnedest to get interested in whatever was showing on the television when Casey broke the silence.
"I was talkin' to my uncle."
If April was at all surprised, she didn't show it as he continued.
"The general store dude was nice enough to let me chat with him the whole time even past when he was supposed to be open."
"So, that's the reason you didn't bring back any groceries?" April asked.
"Yeah. Sorry about that by the way." when she didn't speak or ask further questions, he went on, "I called him cuz I have no where to go after this. I left my dad's house; everythin' I fuckin' own is in the back of my truck, or rather the garage under that tarp."
"You're more than welcome to stay here." the desperation in her voice obvious.
"No. I can't." he quickly tore the option down. "I just can't, April. Being here is just ripping me apart; having to see Raph's grave everyday. To live with the fact that he really is gone and he's not comin' back..." Casey sniffled, eyes burning with tears as he gripped the fabric of his jeans to try and quell them.
"W-when we go back to the city, you could stay with me and dad until maybe you get a job and your own apartment! I'm sure he wouldn't mind. I-I'll call him tomorrow, I'm sure he -"
"No." Casey firmly replied before she had the chance to finish.
April's face fell for a moment before she spoke again, "...then where are you gonna go?"
"My uncle offered me a job."
"He lives in the city?" April asked, voice hopeful.
"Nah. He lives in Boston; owns a mechanics shop and wants to show me the ropes; said he'd help me out; help me get me on my feet and stuff." Casey answered, stopping short of telling her how his uncle seemed to be the only family member who actually gave a shit about him but he quickly decided against it.
"...so, you're leaving?"
"I can't stay here, Red. I can't even go back to New York. It's just all too fuckin' painful..." he shrugged, wiping an arm across his face where a tear slipped down.
"...when are you leaving?" she asked, eyes straying to Mikey and running her fingers along the soft fabric of his mask.
"I dunno. Soon, I guess. ... I want here to stay and help ya, Red, I really do, but... Truthfully, I want to move on; go to work and get acquainted with a new city...to put all this hell behind me..." Casey admitted, hands wringing nervously in his lap.
"You really think that'll help?"
"Heh. I doubt it, but it's somethin' and I don't think ol' Raph would want me to remain stagnant and sad here. He'd probably yell at me to get off mah ass and actually do somethin' productive with me life." he chuckled mirthlessly as he ran a rough hand over his tired face.
"Sounds like something he'd say..." April admitted lowly, swallowing back a sudden lump that clogged her throat when she realized she was slowly starting to forget exactly what Raph's voice sounded like.
"Yeah...but don't worry, I won't leave you too high and dry. I'll help ya out with stocking food and whatnot before I leave. Maybe even give Donnie a hand to fix some much-needed repairs 'round here if he'll let me."
"I'd like that." April said; a forced smile on her lips as she struggled to deal with the news.
Casey just returned it and leaned further back into the chair; eyes straying to the droning voices and bright colors of the television screen.
It was three days when he left; packing his life into the back of his truck with Splinter's help. The elderly rat sad to see him go but being the most understanding of his plans; wishing him well in the long run.
Donatello was a bit apprehensive without any buffer with April around but ultimately allowed the vigilante to help him around the cabin. Even was able to stun Casey into silence one morning when the vigilante came out and saw Donnie repairing his truck's engine. Putting in new parts and making it run like a truck half it's age and double its monetary value.
Leonardo seemed numb still; the leader was certain to make himself scarce and only gave a terse nod and saying "good luck" when told of Casey's plans.
Mikey was deeply saddened by the news; goodbyes he never planned to make were now happening all around him without any way to control them. It broke Casey's heart to see the youngest turtle cry and cling to him for such a long time but he knew in the end, it was soon to happen regardless even though it didn't alleviate the pain in the least...
It was the middle of the night when Casey decided to take off. He planned to leave without alerting anyone but he should have known April would have found out.
April stood on the porch staring at Casey finish packing his truck; she was internally wondering how and why the hell her life had went so wrong... How tremendously final death was and how it wasn't just the person who left but how it effected all those around them. She never realized until Raph died how instrumental he was in all of it; the glue bonding Casey to their family. She'd said so many goodbyes in her life and it appeared yet another one was rearing it's ugly head...
Bracing herself yet again, she approached him.
"Hey, Red." Casey spoke upon noticing her approaching his truck.
"Didn't plan on saying goodbye, or what?" she chided, still a bit bitter about this whole thing even if she knew how unbelievably petty she was sounding right now.
Casey looked a bit guilty upon her statement but shrugged it off, "I wanted to make it easier on Mikey."
Seemingly appeased, she changed the subject, "We're gonna miss you, Casey. It won't be the same without you."
"Heh. Don't worry. I'll visit. Maybe even drop by to see Raph every now and again..." Casey replied, his eyes straying to the nearby tree with the carved stone plaque underneath. "You know, if that's okay..." he continued, is voice choked when it came out.
April's eyes followed his line of vision before gravitating back to him.
"That'd be nice. You're always welcome here." she replied and Casey was completely silent as she handed him a copy of the Northampton cabin keys. "You know, in case we're not here when you decide to drop by."
"Hmm. Thanks, Red." Casey responded, taking the key out of her hand but before he could, she pulled him to her and pressed her face into his chest.
"I bet he's so proud of you..." April whispered and Casey bit his lip to keep from completely losing it.
"You too, Red." he responded nasally after she pulled away.
"I know you'll do great there...and thanks...for everything..." April sniffled, running her hand over her watery eyes.
Casey wanted to say, "it'd be okay" but he didn't feel like lying about it anymore...
"See ya later, Red." he said instead.
"Bye..." she replied with a sad wave as he began moving toward the truck. She stood near it for awhile as he got in and strapped himself in.
Seemingly forgetting April was near, Casey's eyes gravitated toward the large oak tree and is best friend's grave underneath it. Heart lurching at the still unbelievable reality of the entire situation, he gave a sad wave before whimpering, "See ya around, Raph..."
April bit her lip and pinched her arm to quell the tears rising into her eyes but it didn't help upon hearing Casey's farewell. Drips of tears leaked from her eyes and she was surprised her legs didn't give out from underneath her from the grief that hit her like a pile of bricks.
Casey's engine revved to life and without another word, he slowly drove off out into the night; his headlights soon disappearing beyond the dense forests and toward his new home.
