Hurt - Chapter 26
Rated: T
Forgiveness - Part 1
Chapter Summary: Leo confronts some things he's been putting off far too long.
Stress.
Grief.
Unbearable gut-wrenching agony.
It was all Leo knew anymore.
Losing his brother was nothing he ever expected to deal with. Never could have fathomed just how hard it would be to live without his hotheaded brother around. A sense of loss he could have never anticipated having to exist with.
Sure, life had never been easy for them.
Living underground in dark, dank sewers where it would be mercilessly cold in the winter and uncomfortably hot in the summer. Lack of food where they were forced to survive on worms and algae to get by. Dumpster diving to find necessities. It was just a hard life. Trusted with protecting the city and all its residents for absolutely nothing in return.
Leonardo recalled Splinter telling them how dangerous it was to be a ninja. How you attracted all the wrong types of people that wouldn't hesitate to kill you; so you had to be ready at any time for such an attack. Their father never sugar-coated how certain death would be if you weren't ready; pointed out certain areas of the body to always protect under a barrage of any weapon. What parts could cause instant death; others mutilation beyond belief.
His red-banded brother bore most of those scars.
So reckless in his attacks; allowing anger to fuel him into his frenzies. First one in, last one out. Calling dibs on the strongest enemies and there'd be so many times he'd obtain injuries needlessly just for the cool scar it left behind. It was this behavior that Splinter warned about; told him multiple times to eradicate, but Raph never listened. An early death would almost seem imperative and Leo supposed it was only a matter of time before it happened, but...he never fully anticipated it would be this soon...
A hard pill to swallow that Raph died at only 16 and not a blaze of glory as he anticipated; but a cheap shot during what was supposed to be a casual patrol with April. The foot soldier throwing the shuriken clearly saw her as the weaker target and threw them blindly at her.
Raph, doing what any good Sensei should, protected her by any means necessary.
It was sheer luck, good or bad depending what side you were on, that one would go astray and end up killing the stronger of the two.
A bitter chuckle left Leo's lips at the thought of something further. How Raph wasn't going to go down so easy. Making sure the person was dead before he allowed himself to fall. Whether he threw his sais after or before the shuriken was thrown, Leo wasn't sure.
…he'd like to think it was before...
It all seemed to clear now; his misguided anger, his hatred; bitterness, numbness. It was now just turning into one emotion. Forced to live without his brother; such a vital part of their team and family was gone without any rhyme or reason and it made him feel hallow inside.
...but as much as Leo wanted to hold on to anger and spite because it made him feel more alive; the majority of him was just tired...
Tired of clinging to anger like a lifeline; tired of being so frustrated with the fate befell to him and his family. So exhausted with holding onto bottled up hatred; the cause of it providing a constant gnawing in his gut. Anger toward April for her getting distracted; for not being able to do anything to save him, and for her to be last one his little brother saw before he died...
Yet, April had been nothing but accommodating here in Northampton. Making them food and drink without a hope of even a 'thank you'. Been waiting on them hand and foot without nary a complaint. Her father even leaving her for the city and Casey to move of state almost two full weeks ago, yet April strove on and it was at this point he began to realize she wasn't going to stop. He'd find her cooking, cleaning...holding and comforting Mikey all night… spending time with Splinter; and even occasionally helping Donnie around the house.
Through all the grief and turmoil, she pushed through even having dealt with such unbelievable trauma yet her first priority was taking care of them like it was her sworn duty.
Yet, all he did was sit around and suffer internally with his pain; not contributing just numbing himself to the world around him in hopes that he wouldn't have to deal with the horrendous ache in his chest.
Abating and dreading the truth of the matter which was his aggression toward her was completely unwarranted.
For really...what could she have done?
The wound was fatal and by the blood staining her clothes and hands when they found him - she had desperately tried. Tears staining her face and the sounds of her screams… April was just as broken as any of them, perhaps even more in a sense. Having to live with the guilt of her inaction and having to watch him die...a fate he wouldn't wish on his worst enemy.
Worst than all of his transgressions was not being there for his family. They were all still recovering and he barely interacted with any of them. Holing himself up in his dark room to ponder, writhe in agony, or scream out his frustrations in a pillow instead of confronting it…
Leonardo knew the only way he could truly begin to heal would be being with them…but first, he had a more urgent matter at hand…
April was stressed.
There was little to rebuke that fact after the past hellish months of her existence. Starting with the death of one of her best friends literally dying in her arms all because of her inaction. Immediately, she was to blame for it and she burnished it because of guilt, because she truly felt if it wasn't for her, Raphael would still be here…
Yet, thoughts like that always found their way to the back of her mind. It was the only way she could function, so she lost herself in chores if only to keep from falling apart.
So, again, she found herself in the kitchen; standing at the counter scrubbing the remainder of dinner off stubborn dishes.
Doing anything anymore if only to keep her mind occupied. Since Casey left, there was a viable shift that took place - she found herself with more responsibilities. Her father called repeatedly these past couple weeks offering to spend the weekends there.
All times, April refused.
This was her promise, her burden; her father had done enough and she knew having her father here would just deter her from facing her own responsibilities in this matter. So, she pushed through. Working day and night to make sure Raph's family was fed and as comfortable as possible.
Lately though, she felt more of her facade began to crack and crumble around her. Too many sleepless nights and the stress of it all was breaking whatever remainder of sanity she had. It should have brought her to her knees for she'd never been very emotionally strong but it was her promise. One she dare not break.
So, she kept on. Hands busying themselves with work if only to drown herself in it. April was so lost in her own thoughts that she didn't hear anyone approach let alone of whose steps they were.
"Hello, April." Leo's voice was not one she was expecting.
Totally thrown off, she turned toward him, somehow forgetting what her hands were doing and the plate she currently was washing fell to the ground; the resounding crack and the shattering of shards of ceramic littering the floor.
"Dammit..." she said under her breath as she stared down at the remains. The shock of seeing Leo out of nowhere completely overthrown by sheer embarrassment. April was completely ashamed and beside herself for allowing this slip up; letting out a deep sigh to calm her nerves before maneuvering to get the broom but to her surprise, Leo beat her too it.
"I didn't mean to startle you. Let me help." he spoke, his voice strong; reminiscent of the Leader she knew him as.
Hands fidgeting and not sure how to react, she stiffly nodded if only to see what he'd do.
April was silent as she watched Leo walk over to the numerous shards and sweep them up into a pile. The leader swept them into the dust pan before making his way to the trash and tossing them inside. It was as if she was in a dream watching this from a different vantage point; wondering if this could possibly be the same Leonardo that had been avoiding her and held hostile resentment toward her since the night Raph died. The same one who did anything to avoid speaking or conversing with her at all; let alone being in the same room and approaching her.
It all seemed so surreal…
"Thanks." she finally spoke. Knowing she needed to say something as he placed the items away before washing his hands. "Um, did you need anything, Leo? T-There's a lot of leftovers from dinner if you're still hungry a-and I made lemonade too."
Leo shook his head.
April, completely taken off guard by his presence, let alone him willingly speaking with her was frozen. Waiting on pins and needles for the next words to come out of mouth. She expected more anger or something about the housework. It was an understatement to say she was shocked with the words that poured out instead.
"I want to apologize, April."
April's eyes widened and nervous jaw loosened a bit at his words. It was one of the last things she expected from him. Before she could even begin to wrap her head around his words, he continued.
"It was...wrong of me to verbally attack you the night Raph died...and avoid you pretty much every night since…" Leo sighed, careful not to break eye contact as he continued, "It took me a long time to realize it, but... what happened that night wasn't your fault."
The words were like a hot knife stabbing deeply into her gut; boiling and searing her skin on the way inside. A horrible, wretched feeling to bestow if there was one. April's stomach churned as she listened; tongue lead and eyes burning with unshed tears. The words none she expected yet alone to hear right now for she still blamed herself. Leo's anger toward her was completely warranted; she was too slow, not ready, and Raph had to die because of it...and for Leo to say those words was never what she wanted to hear…
"You could have never realized it would have happened - especially as fast as it probably did…and I know Raphael would have protected you regardless." he explained and a single tear dripped from both his bloodshot blue eyes he spoke, "T-That was just the way he was." his voice began to break, "Ever since we were kids, Raphael had always been very protective and he would have had greater initiative in protecting you since he was your Sensei. It was his duty...and if didn't find you worthy, he wouldn't have…but he did."
A firm hand was placed on her shoulders and she had to fight back the need to visibly flinch from the sudden contact.
"So, I'm sorry, April. I should have never treated you that way and I apologize. I hope you can forgive me." he finished, removing his hand before bowing slightly and leaving the room as silently as he came.
The second he stepped out of the room, April found her hand over her mouth holding back a cry. Greater pain than she could have fathomed overcame every fiber of her being as she collapsed to the floor with a thud. Body shaking like a leaf as she bit into the flesh of her hand to keep from crying out; instead, soft silent sobs coursed through her very being and she fell apart in the middle of the kitchen.
At first, Leo didn't intend to talk to Donnie this way; the leader was enthralled with his latest project and did not appear to be in any mood to talk. Let alone to him. Ever since their spat in the kitchen, the air around them had been a bit tense even if Donnie had ultimately forgiven him later on. Leo had a lot of his own guilt over his absence and he believed there was still a bit of hidden resentment from the genius brother as well. He didn't blame him for that.
As he walked further into the garage where Donatello spent the majority of his time, he froze upon seeing the metal gurney pushed to the side of the wall; a sheet folded atop it and it's use had his stomach clenching in his gut.
"Need something, Leo?" Donnie asked dryly from his spot under his latest invention.
Leo's scales prickled at the sudden sound to break him from his reverie. "Uh, yeah…" he decided to answer; intending to ignore the bitterness laced in Donnie's voice.
"What?" Donnie continued, moving from his place from under the table to stand; wiping his hands off methodically as his eyes gravitated to his oldest brother.
Leo remained silent for a long moment; internally pondering the words he needed to say. As he stared at Donnie, it was apparent the already tall, lanky turtle had lost significant weight since all of this occurred. It was startling and alarming to see but bringing it up now wouldn't help anybody, so without any more prompting, he spoke.
"I just came to say that you were right…you know, like always." Leo began, hoping catering to his brother's genius would make cracking the ice a bit easier in the long run, "I was a coward. I ran away and tried to deal with Raph's passing in a completely selfish manner. I was inconsiderate of anyone but myself and my own issues…It's only now I see it…and I'm sorry…ya know, it took so long to realize it."
Donnie stared at him; eyes glassy and not telling at all at what exactly was going inside his head. Leo expected anger; hostility, and one of the epic long drawn out belittling Donatello was famous for…but it didn't happen.
"I'm glad you're finally coming around." was all Donatello said before moving back under the machine; it was hard to tell if the dryness in his voice was purposeful or just incidental of his mental state.
Before Leo could speak otherwise, Donnie continued, "It's been…difficult to say the least. We really needed you. Especially Mikey and it was hard for me to step up and fill in the spot that was meant for you…or for Raph…"
A distinct somber silence reigned for a long time before Leo moved; the leader sidling down to the floor and sitting next to where Donatello was reclined. The first thing he noted was the mistiness in Donnie's tired brown eyes; valiently keeping his eyes on his work and trying desperately to ignore his brother's blue eyes gaze.
"I know I should have been there. I know I should have been around for all of you, but I was just so broken. So mad at everything…I still am but…I know I can't be anymore… I need to be there for Sensei, for Mikey…for you. I let you guys down…and…I'm so sorry, Don." Leo muttered, hating how quickly tears formed and began leaking down his face.
Donnie didn't speak right away; quietly, he continued working; using a nearby wrench to tighten a loose facet as he digested Leo's words and toiled away at his own inner turmoil. There was too much left unsaid, too much tense feelings left to ponder but this wasn't the time nor the place for it. There'd be plenty time later he supposed…
"Me too…" Donnie finally whispered; swallowing a thick lump that clogged his throat as he lifted himself up the floor to sit next to his brother. The wrench making a solid clang as it hit the tattered cement below.
Leonardo was not at all prepared when Donnie suddenly grabbed him. Shaking hands and thin arms enveloping his shoulders as the genius pulled him in for a hug. The desperate movements breaking whatever self-control that was keeping his tears at bay.
"It's nice to have you back, Leo…"
As tears began fleeting down both their eyes, Leo embraced him.
There in that dusty garage and what had been Raphael's morgue for a time had become a place of acceptance…and hopefully…eventually - healing.
