Hurt - Chapter 28

Rated: T

Hallow

Chapter Summary: It's a season of changes for everyone…


Sorry about the month hiatus with this story. Just trying to get this story in order of where ultimately I want it to go. Hope y'all enjoy. :-)


As one week turned to the next, April began to sense and watch a change begin to happen around Northampton.

Careful to witness slowly as Leonardo began to grow more accustomed to being with his family. Spending hours at their side regardless of they wanted him there or not; whether it be to lend a listening ear or even being a shoulder to cry on in the case for Mikey. To help around the house with chores accompanying Splinter or Donnie and even her for those rare occasions.

Leo would go out of his way to make sure things were in order, help make dinner, clean, sweep, or even wash dishes. All this without even being asked.

April was more or less confounded at first by the seemingly overnight change in the oldest brother but that isn't to say it wasn't unwanted. It was a nice change and a rather beautiful one at that. While she was still in a bit of emotional pain over the discussion of him forgiving her, she had to push that aside to move on. Hearing those words of forgiveness was not easy; for her own guilt still continued to eat her alive day by agonizing day. She still held resentment for her own misguided actions that caused Raphael's death but if Leo could forgive her, perhaps in time, she'd be able to forgive herself…

Yet, dealing with it wasn't easy by any means…but it was slowly getting easier.


Yet another month passed; fall now in full swing. Bright green leaves fading and changing to hues of yellow, orange…and red. A color that still gave her a twinge of pain whenever she would glance upon it even in nature. It was an ever constant reminder that Raphael wasn't there; that every day that passed would truly mean to await another one where he would still be gone. He wouldn't be waltzing through the door, wailing on his punching bag, training with Splinter, arguing with Leo, playing video games with Mikey, being snarky with Donatello, or even ignoring her penetrating stare behind a magazine.

Raphael's absence left an aching hollowness that would never fully dissipate.

Guilt that would continue to consume her for the rest of her days was nothing to take lightly. It was a constant reminder of what was lost and what could have been. His family, while together as of now, was still in shambles. There were pieces missing and no amount of glue or distractions to fill those gaps would ever completely make them whole again.

Raphael was gone; an irreplaceable piece of family was taken away never to be regained. It wasn't about forgetting or moving on, just dealing with it day by day. Learning to live without him there. Coming to terms with the fact that absolutely nothing would ever truly be the same again. Herself and his family forced to come to grips with that was the most difficult thing to face day after agonizing day.

For now, she strove on; pushing forward like Raphael was famous for. Never making excuses, just moving ahead with life regardless of obstacles and circumstances. His stubborn nature and not letting it have the upper hand was of great help to her. Even in death, she ran on his known strength; taking to heart those many lessons of perseverance he taught her to hone to her advantage. It was those lessons that helped her get through those particularly difficult days when all she wanted to do was lay down and cry.

Instead, she got up and persevered.

April's relentless promise to the red-banded brother was what kept her going. Her need and desire to help his family; keep them fed and comfortable for as long as need be was her reasoning for moving on. She needed to be there; to help pick up the pieces and help them fit back together as best as she could even if she knew they'd never fit together the same way.

It was a constant struggle but April was determined, like Raphael, to keep moving forward.


The change in seasons had been rather unkind to the ninjitsu master. No longer spending the majority of his days underground in their perfectly controlled environment, he was forced to deal with an unnatural amount of cold. The thin walls and rickety windows let in far too much chilled air and let the heat escape easily; old bones and joints ached with the season of autumn's approach.

Yet, it didn't even begin to compare to the ache that hadn't left since his second-oldest son had died about three months ago.

It hadn't been easy to stomach the loss and move on, but he didn't have much of a choice. He could either roll into a ball and just wait for death to ease the tremendous pain or move on to help his other three children through it. He easily chose the latter for the overwhelming fact that his remaining children needed him. Needed guidance, comforting hug, listening ear, and shoulder to cry on. Splinter was determined to bring his family through this agonizing time, to push forward to keep living and striving in a cruel world that took his Raphael away.

No one ever said it would be easy to lose a child but after losing his lover and having his daughter kidnapped and turned against him, he thought he would be able to stomach it easier. Yet, it wasn't true in the least. Death was so permanent, so overwhelming. Losing his beloved Teng Shen had hurt like the fires of hell licking at his soul but his son…to lose this little turtle he'd raised, loved, cherished for over 16 years had crushed his heart to dust inside of his chest.

To not be able to see those bright green eyes or signature smirk lighting up his face; hear his raspy voice and even listen to him complaining about one thing or another. Life from this point forward was hallow. Empty. Incredibly dark and painful now; so unfair to have to face day after agonizing day.

Recalling those precious moments of Raphael growing up; ambling around and trying so hard to gain his approval. These acts of rebelliousness causing him to get in trouble more often than not; to act out in response to Leo's chosen role in the family didn't go unnoticed. Splinter was regretfully strict when he had to be and everything inside him now deeply regretted it. Angered at himself for the way he disciplined his son over the years. It cut so deeply to know he'd never be able to speak to him, to hold him, to tell him just how proud Raphael made him.

Hindsight was always 20/20. He understood that now.

There was no time machine, no magic that could turn back time and change it. That simply wasn't an option, Splinter would indeed have to live with these regrets, live with the untimely death of his red-banded son and deal with it day after day until he breathed his last. Of course, there would be regrets, what-if scenarios, and could have beens but Splinter dared not even fathom them. The pain was still too visceral and fresh. Perhaps in time, he'd confront it, but now was simply not the time.

Splinter's only option now was to go on. Push forward in this cruel world; to be the strength his family needed so desperately. It would never be easy, but no one ever said death would be. With this thought, he exited his humble bedroom and made his way downstairs to face another day with only three of his four sons…


Leo took a deep breath, folding his hands over and over in his lap as Mikey quietly picked at blades of grass that began to grow upon Raphael's grave-sit and tossing them into a pile by his side.

It was so damn difficult for the leader.

To be here in the vicinity of where his little brother was buried, but for some reason, it was unbelievably comforting for Mikey. He supposed because it gave the orange-banded turtle the sensation of being close to Raphael again. A place he could go and talk to his deceased brother for hours about everything and anything, but for Leo, it just hurt. Pain buried deep in his gut at the indication that this spot, buried six-feet under, was all that physically remained of his brother. A hallow husk, an empty vessel not containing his fiery spirit, loud boisterous personality, or dry sense of humor.

It was a rather tough and bitter pill to swallow. A sense of dread, agony, and regret left a horrible stench in his nostrils and a nauseating sensation constantly rumbling in his gut… It hurt so fucking bad. He missed Raphael desperately; hated that he was gone and still had a hard time accepting he wasn't coming back. He supposed that would always remain; a pain and inkling in the back of his mind of what exactly was lost. A constant dark shadow that would overwhelm him for the rest of his days. This pit and hole in his gut that would never be filled…

"Leo?" Mikey's small voice broke through a cloud of depression staining his mind.

"Yeah, Mike?" Leo asked, wiping at some invisible dirt on his lap.

"...D-Do you think that Raphie…can still hear us?" Mike asked, the barest hints of a shrug lifting his shoulders. Those blue eyes were so haunted, so incredibly sad that Leo's tongue remained wedged to the bottom of his mouth. The leader bit the inside of his cheek to try and keep the ache in his heart at bay.

In his mind, there was no logical answer that could help in this situation. No amounts of comforting or any way to distract or redirect the question. Truthfully, Leo didn't know. A part of him wanted to believe Raphael was still watching over them. Hell, his own experience spoke volumes but he was still trying to confront that reality. Still trying to fathom if that was actuality or his agonized mind hearing what he wanted to hear. So much of him was just a contradiction; stuck between wanting to move on and denying Raphael died at all…

"I-I dunno, Mike. I really don't." Leo reluctantly answered, hand reaching out in a gesture of comfort to the youngest turtle.

Mikey's face fell for a second as he glanced over to the plaque; shaking digits reaching and brushing at the smooth stone and over the engraved words upon it.

"I like to think that he can." Michelangelo whispered with all the confidence in the world.

Leo wasn't certain how to respond, so he remained silent as his hands moved back to rest upon his lap.

Blue eyes watching in rapt attention as Mikey smoothed over the dirt covering the grave and arranging a small bunch of late-blooming flowers nearby. Nose wrinkling a bit in distaste for the floral arrangement considering Raphael's hatred of them in life, but again, he said nothing. All in perhaps a pathetic attempt to keep Michelangelo happy; he wasn't exactly sure.

"I also like to think perhaps in some way, that he's still here." Mikey spoke almost to himself, "that he's watching over us and making sure to keep us safe. You know, like he always did…" the youngest choked out near the end. Swallowing back a gasp and sob that tickled his throat.

Leo's eyes gravitated to his own lap, hands nervously pulling at his knee pads in an effort to keep his physical being occupied and preventing his emotions from total breakdown at Mikey's words. Own mind in a torrent of pain from Raphael's loss but at the same time, a strange sense of peace and calm washed over him. Thinking about his little brother watching from some spiritual plane; keeping a sharp eye out for any and all who would want to hurt them. It did sound exactly like something Raphael would do…

"Yeah. Maybe." Leo responded; not entirely sure why the words even left his mouth when his brain was still tying desperately to think of an answer for Mikey.

"Yeah…but, I-I still wish he was here." Mikey said after an almost unbearable silence, drawing Leo's attention back to him. "Even if it was only for a few minutes."

Heart clenching at the tears that built in Mikey's baby blues. There was a visceral pain that shook him deeper than anything else. If only it were possible, Leo would give everything including his life if it meant to be with Raphael again. To bring him back just for closure and that was the hardest thing he supposed of this entire thing. There would never be closure; never be words stated between them to perhaps clear the air. To be certain Raphael knew of his love for him and how much he was sorry that he wasn't there…

A guilt he would never fully rectify. There weren't enough words to describe just how much he regretted not being there; allowing his little brother to get killed. More guilt piled on with how he reacted; seeking revenge and his own sense of justice when his family needed him…he supposed he didn't deserve closure…

"To have the chance to just talk to him for a little while. That's why I hope, wherever he is, that he can hear us." Mikey nasally admitted with a shrug, wiping his arm across his snout where his nose began dripping.

Leo swallowed thickly, hands turning into fists as his eyes gravitated to his brother's headstone.

"...but I'm sure he's still here and he's watching over us." the words were choked and small but Leo understood them, "…I love you, Raphie." Mikey continued in a sob and Leo pulled him to his chest and held him as he cried.

Leonardo's vision gravitated toward the dirt where Raphael lay underneath, the pain of this new reality stifling. These last few months were hell and it was apparent while they may be more bearable, nothing would ever be easier let alone the same ever again.

"Love you too, Raph." Leo mouthed as he pulled Mikey in closer to his chest.


"Thanks for your help, Donnie." April said while placing the final stack of clean dishes back into the cabinet.

"Sure." Donatello replied with a shrug, rubbing at his sore neck from one too many nights falling asleep at his desk. "So, did you need anything else?" he continued after a long moment of tense silence. Their relationship took a hefty shift after Raphael's death. Their close friendship was almost dissolved; the guilt April carried for her role and Donnie's anger stemming from the whole incident was still an obstacle the two were trying to jump over but the hurdle still seemed too impassable.

"No, thanks."

"You sure?" Donatello asked, looking over to the redhead where she began sweeping the floor.

"Yeah. I'm fine. Thanks, Donnie." she replied; a patient smile on her face yet it didn't quite reach her eyes.

Donnie just gave her a terse nod before he began to leave the room.

Upon reaching the cusp of the door frame, he stopped to look back at her for only a moment. Recalling their relationship before all of this took place. His obsession to gain her attention and his endless infatuation that controlled perhaps every main aspect of his life in a constant attempt to win her heart. A rather fruitless task if there was one. For the second Raphael died, nothing of the sort seemed to matter anymore. Losing his older brother was a brutal stab to the heart and the rupture in his and Raphael's relationship was the same girl. Those final months that Donnie ignored him and gave him the cold shoulder were brought front and center, and it hurt terribly.

So much lost time and effort for nothing that mattered at all now. Instead, he was forced to live in this hell with one dead brother and a family falling apart at the seams. Being cordial to the girl that had a part in his brother's untimely death. Even though he'd ultimately forgave her and knew it wasn't necessarily her fault, it still hurt.

One thing was certain at this point. Life was now changed forever. An irrevocable shift in the fabric of their lives that could never fully regain its former stability. There would always be this hole that wouldn't go away and like it or not, April would always be responsible in his mind. Own guilt at how he treated Raphael in the last few months of his life the final weight that would never lift itself off his chest. A life he was going to have to live out; to strive forward as best as he could.

The girl that once set his heart aflame and palms to sweat was different just as much as he was. Gone were the days of chasing after her and making her things to gain her attention. Dissipated times in which he'd give anything to cause her to smile. It was nothing but a distant memory tainted by Raphael's blood and sacrifice that would never dissolve. So, while he was fully ready to accept his own twisted role and his forgiveness and promise to be cordial to April, Donnie knew his and April's relationship would never be the same, and honestly, he was okay with that…

Without another glance, he left the room.