Hurt - Chapter 30
Rated: T
Goodbye
Chapter Summary: The group leaves Northampton.
Sorry. I was supposed to submit this last week but I completely forgot. Forgive me. :-p
It was the next morning when Splinter finally drummed up the courage to approach them.
The four sat upon the various couches; April and Donnie with cups of coffee, Leo with a small half-eaten bowl of oatmeal, and Mikey with a plate of jellied toast of which he had barely nibbled on.
The sight was a welcomed one; them somewhat eating and being together was better than their previous aloofness and separation as of late. For a split second, he was uncertain if he wanted to break up this moment but something in his chest knew seeing them all in one room together was one that didn't happen too often…and there truly was no time like the present…
"Fa-amily..." Splinter spoke, cringing how his voice cracked for a moment.
All eyes went from the muted glow of the television to Splinter.
"Good Morning, Sensei." Leo spoke respectfully.
Donnie gave him a polite nod and smile and Mikey looked up to him as he approached.
"D-Did you need anything to drink or eat, Splinter?" April asked and while her demeanor seemed pleasant, there was an underlying cloud of despair that seemed to always be over her. She hid her pain well but the veil was quickly wearing thin. He worried deeply for her.
"No thank you, Miss April." The ninjitsu master's hands were shaking as he took a seat by the chair; reaching over to turn the television off before speaking words none of them fully expected.
"I-I think it's best that we leave soon."
The look plastered on everyone's face was of shock and awe, but there was an underlying question that reigned on most of their faces - Why?
It was so great Splinter felt compelled to answer it.
"After much meditation and reflection, I came to the conclusion that three months is enough. R-Raphael was never one to just lie down and give up. He would have strove on and continued fighting even in the worst of pain" Splinter's voice broke for a second as he said it, "…So we should do the same. I-I think it's about time that we went back to the city."
The only response Splinter got was a room filled with silence.
Donnie's head slightly lowered in acceptance.
There were so many things he wanted to say. Logical reasoning as to why that wasn't a good idea flooded his subconscious. They were out of shape for one. Going back to resume their normal life of patrol and ninjitsu training wasn't going to be easy or possible in their sad state. They'd lost weight, their diet not up to their normal healthy standards, and the sheer grief they were still dealing with was an almost astronomical hurtle to jump over… Donnie was unsure if it could even be done, yet his mouth stayed shut.
"Dad, I-I don't think we can. I don't know if that's a good idea!" Leo suddenly spoke; voice vibrating slightly as it came out. "We haven't trained in months. How are we going to continue our patrols and training after this? I - we…how?" Leonardo stammered, a nervous hand itching at his mask.
"We won't right away. I'm not asking that of you, I-I just think we need to go home and try to resume a normal life." Splinter explained, hands up in a placating motion."That's all I ask, but I will honor your suggestions as well."
April sat quietly, pinching frantically at the flesh of her thighs in an attempt to quell the rise of tears burning the back of her eyes. The news was not any she was expecting and truthfully, couldn't accept at this point. Being here, staying busy was the only way she was able to function and now going back? Having to resume school and life like nothing happened? She wasn't sure if that was even possible…
"Do you…really think that's best, Sensei?" Leonardo asked.
"...Yes." Splinter replied with shaky assurance, "I-I think it's time we started moving forward instead of remaining stagnant."
Leonardo took a deep breath; hating how his heart began palpitating painfully in his chest. Going back meant going home. Home meant way too memories of Raphael. All his belongings gathering dust; room empty and unused. It would hit home that Raph was really gone and never coming back. Left with tattered remains of a life taken far too soon.
"Is this because of the crime wave happening back in the city, Sensei?" Donatello spoke for the first time; careful to notice how Mikey leaned closer to him as if seeking comfort or reassurance. He placed his arm over the youngest brother's shoulders in hopes that would be enough for now.
"Partly, yes. Crime has run rampant but that's not the only reason. We need to regroup, retrain, and move on all in time. I think going back home would be the first step. We'll still take it slow but I think we've been here long enough." Splinter answered calmly, stretching a paw out to caress Mikey's shaking shoulder.
The youngest was more or less in a daze; vision locked onto his lap as he listened to the conversation going around him. There were no thoughts, only pain that echoed into every fiber in his body. Leaving this beautiful place and all its distractions would be next to impossible; especially leaving behind Raph. Mikey suddenly began shaking and Donnie suddenly wrapped his arms around him as hot tears began leaking down the youngest turtle's face.
"Mikey…" April gasped slightly as the youngest began sobbing into his genius brother's chest.
"I'm sorry, my son, but I think it's for the best…" Splinter tried desperately to comfort him; getting off the chair and kneeling down next to him. Paws quivering slightly as they enveloped Michelangelo in a warm hug. "I believe it is what Raphael wants…I wouldn't be doing this if I did not believe it was the right thing to do, my son. I promise…"
"I-I-I know, dad…I just…" Mikey whimpered into Splinter's throat, "It's just gonna be hard to leave."
The room grew quiet except the sounds of Mikey's shuttering breath. It was a sober realization and acceptance of change none of which were completely willing to accept but knew it had to be done. A silence in which each of the occupants knew life from this moment wouldn't be the same; hadn't since Raphael's passing, and it was yet to change again.
A shift, a move in which signified with certainty the horrible reality that they lost a loved one and they had to go on without him. It was time to move on whether they wanted to or not. While their world had stopped three months ago, it didn't change the fact the world was still spinning, sun rising and setting, time ticking by with the hands of the clock. The calender days were indeed being checked off and seasons were changing - life went on regardless of the hell they were reluctantly thrust into.
Time didn't get to stop for those who grieve; it only made the passage of the time all the more painful.
As easy as it would be to give up; to live the remainder of their lives here in peaceful tranquility, it was not meant to be. There was a city that still required their services; needed their protection more than ever. Yes, indeed they would need to go on without a vital member to their team. Learn to fight without a fourth party there to count on; deal without their strong brother who was never afraid to run into a burning building; hold up the front, set off traps and always being the last one out. The one who watched their backs; muscled their way through all too many seemingly impassable obstacles.
None would lie - it would never be the same.
Raphael left this hole that would never be filled. An unmistakably viable asset they would realize its absence almost constantly. They would never be a complete team anymore; forcing them to learn to fight with only three instead of an even four. Tactics changing and shifting like grains of sand on a beach, learning to fill in Raphael's spot the best they could to account for the loss but it seemed impossible at this time to even fathom having to fight without him…
It was painful, horrible, but necessary at this point.
As soon as Mikey's cries ebbed away, Splinter relinquished his hold; moving his paw to lovingly wipe away the tears that still stained his youngest son's cheeks. The pain was visceral in the room. They were all hurting in ways they never expected to and to be honest, he knew it would never be easy.
"It will be difficult to leave, but we must."
"...I know, dad," Mikey sniffled, burying his face into his father's robes if only to hide his face for a moment. "It's what Raphie would want…"
Although true, it didn't make the accompanying pain any easier to take…
It was three days later when they finally finished packing.
Cleaning and preparing the house for future visits and making sure all their necessities were taken care of before they began packing up the Shellraiser. A few bags and boxes were pushed into the back; the squawk of the chicken's absence noted as they walked back and forth to and from the cabin. (April had reluctantly sold them to a distant neighbor when they knew the sewer nor her apartment were optimum places for the feathered creatures.)
It was particularly somber as Donatello assisted April in shutting off the water and generators. The genius packing up the remains of the chamber and gurney that housed Raphael's body for a time. Particularly hard to burn the sheet that covered him even if it had to be done.
"Is that everything?" April suddenly asked, breaking Donnie out of his painful memories.
"Yeah. I'm pretty sure. I'll walk around the cabin once more to make sure but I think that's about it." Donnie answered lowly as he closed the Shellraiser's backdoor and turned to look at the redhead behind him.
"Okay." she replied with a shrug before moving to the front to climb in the van.
Splinter and Leo were carrying a few blankets and pillows out as Donnie re-entered the cabin for the last time. Upon entering, he saw Mikey standing in the cusp of the living room; staring out at the interior of the cabin. At first, he ignored him in favor of making sure everything was in order but once he was done, Mikey had only moved toward the front door, looking out through the tattered screen.
"Mike?" Donnie asked, "Is everything okay?"
"Yeah…" the youngest muttered back.
"I-I need to lock up, Mike." Donatello replied, placing what he hoped was a comforting hand on his thinning shoulder.
"Oh. Okay." Mikey replied easily, slowly moving through the door and to the porch as Donatello pulled out the keys from a pouch to close up behind them.
Michelangelo silently continued down the stairs, his eyes drifting toward the large oak tree; the familiar plaque and mound of dirt underneath. A sight that he would never quite get used to. A place he spent so much time these last three months; a place that held so much pain and comfort at the same time… Bringing home the uncomfortable realization that his big brother was gone. Raphael. A brother he considered himself to be closest to was really never coming back…
Donnie had reluctantly passed Mikey and moved to the van. Hoping the youngest just needed a few more minutes and it appeared as if he was right when Mikey began to move toward the Shellraiser but as soon as he got to the side door, he stopped.
The youngest turtle stood there at the door for a long drawn out moment as he looked back upon the cabin, trees, lake, and again toward plaque and grave underneath the large oak tree. Everything inside of him didn't want to leave; downright refused to leave his big brother all alone here.
Yet another side could almost hear Raph telling him to go. To keep their promise to protect the citizens of New York; to go home and fulfill their childhood promises.
The group remained silent as Mikey suddenly moved; walking toward Raph's grave and no one dared utter a word or attempted to stop him.
Michelangelo fell to his knees in front of the stone; the smooth plaque etched with Raphael's name and the dates of his birth and death. A strange sight he still could hardly fathom. There was so much that felt unreal; a nightmare in which he hoped he'd soon wake up from...but a part of him accepted that it simply would never happen.
A shaking hand went to run a hand over the words and dates.
This was reality…and Raphael was really gone...
Without his permission, so many memories flooded in. Like a movie or picture book; these glimpses of happier moments. Four brothers growing up, being kids, and all the adventures it entailed. A beautiful time. Relative ease to spend their days running around, playing tag, swimming in the clean cisterns under Splinter's careful watch. Becoming ninjas; training, learning their weapons, and ultimately, how to fight as a team. Scattered flashes and pictures in his minds eye of times long since passed and never to truly be regained.
Mikey silently remembered Raphael.
A brother who would become his best friend; their various interactions ranging from full on brawl to being comforted and held by the red-banded terrapin when nightmares plagued his sleep. Arms open and understanding; never judging him as he curled up next to him in bed even in their later years. Raphael was always there. Mikey was still trying to accept the fact that he wouldn't be anymore. He'd gotten used and took for granted all those moments as well as their friendship that went beyond their brotherly one.
They had a bond few understood.
Raphael was the brother he could tell anything to without fear of being judged. Raph would happily take a punishment when they got caught goofing off or doing something particularly dangerous or even illegal in some cases. Of course, there were arguments and disagreements but at the end of the day, they were still brothers and best friends. Still as close as can be even if Raphael had a hard time saying it.
"I love you" was never much in Raphael's vocabulary. Neither was "Please" or "Thank You" but that's beside the point.
Mikey could count on one hand how many times he'd heard Raph say those three words at once and it was understandable the more you got to know him; wasn't much for words or long drawn out conversations at all. What Raphael flourished with though was his actions which always spoke louder than words. Raph didn't have to say he loved you because he showed it often in ways few understood.
Raph was the first one in, last one out.
Always watching your back and protecting you without you ever knowing it. He may say rude things to your face and his endless supply of sarcasm was only a defense against you seeing how much he truly cared. There was never a doubt that Raphael loved his brothers more than anything; than anyone…
…and now…it hurt like hell that now…he was gone forever.
That strong brother he relied on for most of his life was brutally ripped away; faded and disappeared like sand through the large gaps in his fingers. Lost adrift amongst these tsunami waves of grief and pain that seemed to multiply by the day. It was hard not to just allow it to suffocate him and drag him under its depths but the one thing that kept him adrift was Raphael.
Words spoken, friendship and love so visceral that allowing his grief to swallow him wasn't an option…because it was the last thing Raphael would want. Raph would want him to move on, to push forward without him. Wallowing in sorrow would not be approved and Mikey could even hear his brother's admonishing voice now.
"You'll be fine, Mike. Now stop yer cryin'!" were some of Raph's favorites and they seemed somehow fitting here.
Yes, it hurt.
It would always hurt.
There wasn't anything or anyone that could ever fill the spot Raphael left in their hearts and lives. Why would he even try? Yet, as much as his chest and mind ached with the reality his brother was dead; there was also a comfort in his memories. Knew that somewhere, Raph was still around; watching and protecting them from afar.
Mikey was certain of it.
Sure, he still wasn't exactly sure how he was going to move on; how any of them could fathom pushing throughout all of it in one piece but he knew they had to try.
It's what Raphael would want and he dared not let him down…
"I love you, Raphie." Mikey stated firmly, his voice refusing to crack as he brushed off a few specks of dirt that littered his brother's gravestone. There was more he wanted to say but found himself unable to say any more. He wanted to be strong; to make Raphael proud and for some reason, he knew Raph already was.
A final brush of his hand over the cool stone before Mikey stood to his feet. Staring silently at the spot his brother lay before gravitating toward the surrounding area. So lush and beautiful; serene and peaceful. Raph was lucky to be in such a place and Mikey hoped that whoever was in charge of his burial however long from now, would place him by Raph's side.
Michelangelo swallowed a thick lump; refusing to allow tears to fall right now. His lips wanted to say goodbye but it was just too final; too painful.
"See you later, bro." he said instead.
Without another glance back, Mikey swiftly walked to the Shellraiser and jumped in the back with his father and Donnie. Careful to avoid their eyes as he awaited the movement of the vehicle.
Once Mikey was in and everyone settled, Leo put the keys into the ignition and the vehicle came to life with a turn of the keys. The leader checked the mirror's position and put on his seat-belt. Then they were off.
April was silent as she fastened her seat-belt from her spot in the front passenger seat next to Leo. Desperate to hide her internal grief, the redhead pulled her hood over her head and turned to face toward the window where she could see her reflection. Looking beyond it, she was faced with the rear-view window; Northampton growing farther and father in the distance. Emotions rising in her throat, she buried her face in her sleeve and quietly sobbed. Silent tears streaming down her face as Northampton disappeared and if it was at all possible for her heart could break anymore - it did…
