Hurt - Chapter 33
Rated: T
Sketchbook
Chapter Summary: April is given Raphael's sketchbook and what she finds inside takes her breath away and forces to confront what losing him really meant...
"Here, April..." Mikey's voice was small, the boisterous and fun in his voice had been completely sapped away as if it was never there. The sound of it always broke April's heart whenever she heard it; the absence of Mike's normal personality wasn't there anymore and April feared it would never be again.
"What is it, Mikey?" she asked, depositing the groceries on their counter-top as she did weekly.
"I found this in Raph's room by his magazines. I thought you might want it."
April's full attention was had by this point as she turned her body to face the youngest brother. In his hands rested a black leather bound sketchbook. She immediately recognized it as a present she'd given to Raph when she noticed the paper he usually drew on were scraps or not very good quality for the type of art he liked to do in his spare time.
So, one day, she surprised him with it...she still remembered the moment so well...
Walking into the lair, April adjusted her backpack smoothly, wondering if Raphael would notice her wearing it on the weekend when she typically finished all her homework on Fridays.
Blue eyes immediately seeking a flash of red, she saw it over the couches where Raph was quietly doing push-ups in front of the television. A feral grin rose to her face as she silently approached the turtle and depositing the book-bag on the couch, she unceremoniously ambled on top of his shell as he continued his workout. Her back pressed into his convex shell, April smiled, enjoying the sensation of him going up and down; not seeming to care or notice that she did it much anymore.
It was almost the norm for him now.
"Hey..." she finally spoke, lifting herself up a bit to see the side of his head.
"What's up?" Raphael asked with a grunt as he pushed himself back up, her extra light weight probably akin to a feather to him.
"Let's see...The ceiling, sky, birds, clouds...ya know, the usual." she replied cheekily and smiled when she noticed him shaking his head in response.
"Your nitjitsu training is working but we desperately need to work on your jokes next. They're awful, O'Neil."
"I dunno. Does Splinter condone that kind of training?"
"Meh. I'm goin' off my own rule book now; and to be frank, ya need it." he replied dryly before laying down on his plastron which indicated to her that he was done and she should get off willingly before she was tossed off.
"Hmm. Well I thought it was funny." she said, stepping off his carapace and plopping into a seated position onto the ground next to him.
"You must be spending too much time with Mikey then." he shrugged, sitting next to her.
"He's good company. At least he laughs at my jokes."
"He laughs at anything." Raph responded snidely, his green eyes flicking over to the couch. "...You brought homework?" he continued in a confused tone before his eyes met hers.
"Nope." she said, rising to her feet to retrieve the bag before sidling against him once more. It didn't even phase him anymore as her thigh brushed his. April made a show of opening the bag and when Raphael tried to peek inside, she held him back with her hand.
"Nuh-uh! No peeking!" she admonished, waving a finger at him.
Raph just pouted in response, his brows furrowed as he looked at her in disdain.
"Now, close your eyes." she said with a barely held back smile.
He responded by even looking more suspicious and asking,"Yeah right, it's probably a rubber cockroach yer gonna put on my head, arentcha?"
"Aren't you ever gonna live that down? It was one time, Raph!" April groaned.
"One time too many..." he grumbled and she flashed him a look.
"Raph, it's not a roach or any kind of bug. Please, just close your eyes. I promise you'll like it." she replied and looking at him she swore she thought she was going to have to keep begging but to her surprise, his green eyes slid closed.
The redhead smiled, going back to the bag and swiftly took out the gift she had for him. Turning back to Raph she spoke again, "Okay, hold out both of your hands." she demanded and while he looked extremely apprehensive and uncomfortable about doing so, he did as she asked.
April's heart warmed at the sight; just months ago, he never would have done anything of the sort. The first few months of knowing him, he was very distrusting of her; always wondering if she was going to end up betraying them. After growing more comfortable that she wouldn't, he tolerated her but they never were "friends" or hung out or even conversed one-on-one. Truthfully, it wasn't until Splinter demanded he train her that things changed.
Raphael was her friend now; before when this turtle was nothing but an enigma to her, she now was so fond it him it almost surprised her. Spending so much one-on-one time with him when before, they barely had a conversation was something akin to a miracle. How he almost easily opened up to her and her to him; it was amazing to see the amount of trust he had toward her now. Completely trusting her...
"Any day now, O'Neil." he grumbled and April was sorely temped to bop him on the head with it instead especially since the thoughts she had toward him were so nice.
"Fine." she growled, pushing the book into his hands.
As soon as the book was there, Raph's green eyes reappeared and he immediately looked down at the black leather-bound sketchbook in his large green hands. The terrapin stared at it almost relevantly; his eyes scanning every single centimeter of the cover before he removed one hand from underneath it to tenderly stroke the leather. Deft fingers flipping the cover open and touching the off-white paper; the heavily textured material making a very satisfying sound as he ran his thumb over it.
Green eyes suddenly met hers and April was taken aback to how easily she read them.
While not the best with words, there was no doubt in her mind at just how grateful he was; didn't mean he was gonna try.
"April, what...why'd ya...just..." he stuttered and April couldn't help but smile at hearing the normally brash turtle sound so adorably awkward.
"I saw that you didn't have any nice sketchbooks; you're always using scrap paper to draw on and I dunno, I wanted you to give you some real stuff. Also, I got you some pencils and markers if you want to try -" she said with a smile when she suddenly was cut off; a gasp escaping from her lips when she suddenly found herself in his arms. The thickly muscled limbs embraced her for only a fraction of a second but seemed to be so out of character that it nearly took her breath away.
Raph's eye weren't on her when he pulled away, instead, adoring the book in his hands with barely suppressed glee April's stomach flip-flopped in her gut for a reason unbeknownst to her.
"Thanks." Raph said in a barely audible whisper, as if the word had never left his lips before and April wouldn't be surprised if that was the case.
"You're welcome." she replied with a wide smile and he kept surprising her when he lifted his head and looked at her, something akin to a genuine smile lifting the corners of his mouth.
April's stomach lodged into her throat as she stared at the worn book in Mikey's outstretched hands. The memory so vivid; she could almost feel the warmth from his body and the sensation of his arms that wrapped around her for only a second...but it was still there.
"April?" Mikey asked lowly and her tear-stained blue eyes met his own.
With whatever fragile strength she had left, the redhead reached for the book and clasped her hands onto it and pulled it into her arms. April just stared at the cover for a long while, tracing each of the little nicks it got over time and the dust from charcoal or graphite smudged on the cover from its heavy use. Without realizing it, hot tears dripped down her face and upon the cover, her hands trembling as she cradled it close to her chest.
"Are you sure, Mike?" she whimpered as she looked deep into the terrapin's sky blue eyes.
Without answering verbally, the turtle nodded sadly, giving her a tight smile that hadn't reached his eyes since his brother's death.
"Thanks..." she whispered, April's eyes fell to the book and knew looking at it now wasn't the best idea.
Returning Mikey's tight smile, April left the lair with it in tow, not knowing what lay inside the pages until she made her way home.
Opening the cover was hard, hating that his fingerprints were being smudged as she began turning pages. The first few pages were the art she expected, high contrast buildings and a lot of gradient shadows, his ability to draw the city was incredible; his discernible talent to do such incredible detail work just showcased itself with these pages. As she continued, her eyes fell on figures, beautiful curvy women with long hair and plump lips; much like the woman painted on the side of the Shellraiser. Drawings of weapons and even a few of his brothers adorned other pages. It wasn't until a few turns of the paper later her chest nearly imploded as she stared at the page.
April looked back at herself on the page. Heart hammering as she took in a photo-realistic image of her own face; the detail of each freckle matching hers almost exactly. She hadn't realized her hand raised to cover her mouth until long moments later; staring at the soft marks of graphite creating her image with the abilities of classically trained artists...
Her shaking fingers left her mouth to turn the page, this image was her again, this time a full body shot; where she sat at the base of the tree in the dojo, where he had her meditating for at least thirty minutes a day. Recalling him moving about as if to distract her and giving her a harder time to concentrate; a training technique he liked to annoy her with. Little did she know what he did during that time...not believing it til she was looking at it on her lap.
More pages passed, each of them with her in different scenarios, one hitting her square in the chest. It was a night he spent at her place; Mikey driving him to the brink of insanity had him coming over. He knocked on her window and they spend that evening on the roof, just chatting and spending time underneath the stars. Her hair was down, her clothes just a tank top and her tattered sleeping shorts as she sat upon the edge of the roof staring out into the expanse of the sky and the city a backdrop. He hadn't drawn it that night of course, but the memory was vivid, his mind like a camera, recalling it and drawing it later on...
April let out a whimper as she stared at it; she thought she knew him...thought she knew each nuance and everything about him... She questioned if she knew him or cared to at all...
Recalling Casey's words at Raphael's funeral…
"...he really liked you, ya know?" Casey spoke, not really sure why the words left his mouth. As much as he wanted to take Raph's secret to the grave for him; a part of him wanted April to know; hopefully ease her pain because he knew she felt solely responsible for Raph's death.
But that wasn't the case…
Raphael cared enough about her to save her and if anything, that should comfort her. The reasoning is because after all, it was his choice and if she knew Raph as well as he believed she did, there was no force on Heaven or Earth that would stop him from doing so.
"...what?" April gasped, her bloodshot eyes welling with tears.
"He thought he hid it pretty good from you and me - not to mention Donnie."
"W-What are you talking about, Casey?" April asked, a desperate whimper escaping from her lips.
"Heh...Raph... He was fuckin' crazy about you, April..." Casey chuckled, meeting her eyes; the barest hints of a smile lifting the corners of his mouth. Not even noticing the single tear that dripped down his cheek as he told her.
April would be lying if she said she didn't question its validity. Sure, why would Casey lie, but this was Raph - the guy who rarely showed emotion or any clue as to what his heart held. To hear this same turtle had been crushing on her this whole time made no sense...but to see this now... To see the work of his skilled hands on paper; to see her image drawn so perfectly by him just tore something precious out of her...To now know after his death that he kept it a secret this whole time just broke whatever sanity she had left...
Casey was telling the truth, and it hurt like fucking hell...
April began sobbing, pushing the book aside so she wouldn't stain it with her tears. She flopped onto her bed and pushed a pillow into her face; hoping her resounding cries would not awake her father who slept just in the next room. The agony was all-encompassing; like a physical pain piercing her heart; the icy vice grip around her organ causing more cries to tear from her tender throat and muffling into the pillow.
She missed him so much...and to know he liked her in that way only made it worse...
April had never even thought about it; it wasn't like Donnie or Casey who couldn't make it more obvious; Raphael silently dealing with living with it. Never intending on telling her...so many questions arising in her head; recalling all the time she spent with him in his last months...
Saving her life...by losing his own...
It broke her that now, this unbelievable friend was gone; dead because of her... To know his true feelings and knowing he wasn't there anymore for her to tell him that…that...
...in some strange way she only noticed now - she was certain she felt the same way...
A sudden cry was wretched from her throat; loud sobs echoing throughout her room, April cried herself to sleep holding the sketchbook against her chest and mumbling his name under her breath.
