Chapter 3: The Professor and the Ustvestia Wannabe.
(NOTE: Just in case you don't know who Ustvestia is, he's a gay musician in Phantasy Star 2. Just so you know.)
Disclaimer: FF4 belongs to Square. It's not mine. If I break this rule, may Roc Babies strike my house, Imps steal my computer, and Desert Sahagins raid my fridge. Also, no franchises mentioned in the story whatsoever belong to me. Only if I say they're mine.
This Chapter is dedicated to PRIVATE. Who put this fic on his/her favourites list.
Anyway, it may take longer than normal for the chapters now, as I have a life and Brain Age to deal with, so be patient for future arrivals. The ficcy is not sentenced to end soon, it will only end either when it reaches the end, or I get bored. Whichever comes first.
-
Previously, on ZEROMUS BUSTERS…
Cecil, in his mad quest to finish the story, finds a strange girl, who everyone in the land is distinctly drawn to. The duo killed some of King Baron's soldiers, and we all laughed at the girl's silly intro. Now that Cecil and Rydia have bought an Iron Ring and a Leather Cap for the crummy old guy who's joining them shortly, our adventure, as saccharine and asnine as it is, shall go on! In today's episode, or ZEROMUS BUSTERS… ZEE!
(Title of chapter shows up)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Anyway, Cecil and Rydia were on their way to the undergrund watway. For lack of action between then, and when they meet Mr. Crummy Old Guy,
Then, Tellah, the Crummy Old Guy butted into my speech. "Who are you calling crummy?" Tellah said in an angry voice.
"Well, you're the only old person around, and besides, Rydia first called you that."
Tellah took a moment to think it over. "Well, good enough." And he went back to where he was at the cave. A few seconds later, he met up with Rydia and Cecil.
"Hello, Mavis!"
C and R wasn't quite sure what he meant, so they took the only course of action available. By making a shameless reference to Futurama by saying, "Mavis is dead."
Of course, Tellah countered by saying, "My wha..? And can you help me stop my daughter's attempt in finding love?"
Cecil, having nothing better to do, and besides, since he has 5 minutes, "Sure, why not."
So, for the next several minutes until the next story related junk comes, I'm just gonna play Atlantis No Nazo, lose all my lives, and sing its praises.
"You're not gonna do that, aren't cha?" Cecil said, as he interrupted my playage and made Jim the explorer die.
Oh, right. I then put the music from Ghosts and Goblins on, as it's our guest background music. Just like 'Everybody Walk the Dinosaur' was. So while imagining our heroes' feats, imagine that theme music, will ya? If not, try Scooby-Doo, or something similar.
Now, with this 'described fiction' technology, here's what happens. The three are running in the cave's graveyard, (But how can a cave have a graveyard?) but Rydia is carried away by a Gargoyle, or Red Arremer, if you will.
Our heroes, with no choice on the matter, run after the Red Arremer, but he is too fast. A Magician, dressed as a Mind Flayer (Yes, Mind Flayers aren't until Magnetic Cave, bear with me.) and he casts an age spell, only Tellah blocks it and is unaffected. However, a second beam turns Cecil into a duck. Tellah, now carrying the Cecil-duck, keeps on running, where he finally runs into the Red Arremer, who drops Rydia. Tellah hurls a few Spears at it, but a Green Arremer runs over and kidnaps Rydia again. The chase continues until Cecil finally turns to normal, runs through the cave, and back to the monster. Note the big gaping holes in the wall.
You know, you all probably know where this is going, only this 'described fiction' is a heck of a lot more stupid. To cut to the chase, Cecil and Tellah killed 7 Arremers from the rainbow, and rescued Rydia as a result.
Doing this, however, caused a bit of a glitch that allowed Cecil to equip lances. Since there are no lances encountered so far, there's really no point in me mentioning this, but it is an obscenely important part of the story. I'll tell you why later.
So, in that case, with some crazy junk obtained from the cave, like this "Ice Rod", and that "Shadow Blade", the team was ready to face off against an evil creature that Tellah suspiciously knew a bit too much about.
The Team ™ pitched their Tent before they entered that "Other piece of the cave." Rydia was asleep, probably from shouting all day, and Tellah and Cecil were in conversation.
"Well, what's there to talk about?" Cecil asked because I made him. If he didn't talk, that would be more than a little awkward.
"Hmmm. Based on what I've heard, the Octomammoth can be killed by thunder, but no one has ever been alive to prove this theory… Although I've seen his weakness a few times…" Tellah replied.
"But you said no one who faced him came back alive."
"You mean I'm dead? Oh, Lordy-loo, it's happened again. AWRRH!"
And so thus Tellah continued his horrid scream rampage while Cecil sat, Rydia slept, and I simply thought of ideas for the developer's room.
That was a short conversation.
Anywho, the trio went through the other parts of the cave, and got wet, due to an unfortunate accident in hindsight. It seemed we had forgotten that there was a deadly waterfall in the cave, and the stunt doubles were seriously injured. The one for Cecil even died. Which is odd, as the waterfall wasn't deadly before. Maybe I only remembered it when it was a few million years younger, but I digress.
Now, since the miniscule area between the entrance and the boss is too short and boring to write about. (Yes, I know I'm skipping a lot of story, bear with me.) So, let's fast-forward to when the Magnificent Three face off. In aboouuuutttt……… now.
Octomammoth, the unholy fusion of an Octo and a Mammoth was dead ahead of the group. Or rather, his arms.
The threesome moved forth ever so slightly.
"O.K. If we want to get past that slimy decapod, we need to slip past him right near that secret passage in the wall…"
To which Cecil replied, "Well, that thing is blocking the exit. Completely."
To which Rydia added, "OH NOES! WE NEVRR GETS OUT LIVING!"
The Octomammoth, perking up to the reply of the legendary Girl Whom Every Living Freak is Drawn To, got up, and rushed to'rds the party! Dun dun duuuun!
"Look out!" Tellah said, as that's one of the few lines intact in this story, as well as 'You Spoony Bard' and 'Hem!' because those are some of the funniest lines in FF4 Advance, which is what I play, and, what type of FF4 spoof would be complete without them?
Battle scene Nao!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cecil, Rydia and Tellah stand on one side of this arena, while Octomammoth stood on the other side. They merely move in a very Pokemon-Stadiumish manner.
Cecil used Attack! Octomammoth is down by 2,350 Hit Points! Octomammoth has no remaining HP left! Octomammoth had to pay 400 gil!
Octomammoth whited out!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Octomammoth did some creepy crustacean noises while descending into the fiery hellish waters which it came from.
After a strange pause that was in the game script, Tellah finally busted out, "Come! Damcyan is just beyond this way!" while fanfare music happened.
The trio went over to Damcyan Castle, but at the last minute, Ga-Boosh! An explosion happened! The group, worried about survivors, went into the castle, searched for survivors, and went to the castle's top. And guess who they found there…?
No, it's not Anna. Remember, this story is different, and besides, I'm keeping Anna for myself. ;)
So, in a lame, blatant Futurama reference, where Tellah can get off another Farnsworth quote, I replaced Anna with Gunther, except he's now human and yaoi.
"Oh, I always feared he might run off like this. Why, why, why didn't I break his legs"
Tellah yelled out into the sky of Damcyan, since the roof was boomed off.
"Be quiet, old man! I'm like, trying to comfort myself here! Sheesh!" came a nasal, haughty, male but distinctly feminine voice.
Tellah stared at whoever complained at him. He was a young man, blonde, red-clothed, and bishonen.
"You! You're that bard! Anna ran away because of your treachery!"
"Your child's name is Gunther." the Almighty Author (whom ladies like to worship) corrected.
"He is?"
"OK, OK. Enough with the frequent errors, just kill that stupid male Britney Spears wannabe."
With that, Tellah rushed over to the bard, attempting to put him out of commision.
"You swindler!"
"Ouch! What are you doing?"
"You spoony bard!" (Of course that had to be in.)
"Watch what you're doing, old man!"
"… Shut up."
"Keep this up, and I swear…"
"Shut your mouth!"
"No. No I won't!"
With that, Gunther's voice rang up. "Sage! Stop!"
Tellah went over to Gunther's side. "Oh, thank goodness my best experiment's okay. How are you, pal?"
"Sage, I am sorry, but all my life, I only wanted to be a gay guy who wears a suit. So that's why I transferred to Edward's residence in Damcyan."
"Noooooo! Wait, did you two spoon?"
"Every night, and every morning."
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
"I'm sorry, sage, but that was what I wanted. And Edward, before I die, I want you to pleasure me one more time."
Edward responded, "It would be an honour, my love. Everyone, get out of the room. We need privacy."
"OK, OK, OK."
And that happened. Since I'm not in that mood today, I'm not going to describe even bits of what happened. I'll just leave that to your imagination.
When the three returned, or rather two, as Tellah was dead-set on avenging Gunther, and didn't want to see his experiment not with women, decided to leave. Cecil and Rydia returned to the room, seeing Edward crying over a corpse of Gunther. There may have been odious white liquid around them.
Rydia went to comfort the crying bard. "It's okay, I've been through as much as you have." said Rydia, in one of her very few sensitive, quiet, nonsensical moments.
"Really?"
"Yeah. My building's Sunday died, but I'm not gonna cry over it anymore."
"Rydia…" said an awestruck Cecil.
"No! I want to keep around Gunther forever! Even if I go, he goes with me!"
Cecil saw his moment to intervine. He went over to Edward, and slapped him. Hard.
"That's enough! You're the ruler of Damcyan, for crying out loud! Start acting like one!"
Edward got a good look at Cecil's face. In it, he saw a possible vision of Gunther. "Hmm. You're right. Would you like a music lesson?"
"Sure. I love music."
"Okay, when we set up tents, come to my tent around, oh say, 10 o' clock, and uh… we'll take it from there"
"Okay." said the ever gullible Cecil.
"SIGH!" boomed Rydia.
"Let them be on their way."
The same fanfare happened.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Thank you all so much for the beaming reviews, everybody! And always remember, Winners Don't Use Drugs!
Today's chappie is extla long 2day! Maybe it will also be long in the next installments! Nao rememba, this took 3 hours or so of dedication, so be praoud of me! ME! MEE! MEEE! MEEEE!
