Mathew doesn't want to answer Alfred's question. He doesn't want to show the ugly feelings he hides inside him again, he doesn't want to repeat what happened with Arthur. Mathew doesn't want to make the light in Alfred's eyes go out either. Mathew hesitates. He needs to say something, he needs to answer Alfred, but what should he say?
Should he lie? Mathew wonders if Alfred will believe his lie. Alfred is smart, he could probably tell Mathew is lying, but Alfred is also pure hearted, and Mathew wonders if his brother will believe Mathew just because he says it. At the same time, Mathew is worried that if Alfred finds out he's lying, he'll be hurt, and his eyes will shine a little less. Mathew can't go through that again. He doesn't want to see another family member hurting. He doesn't want to be the reason why.
Mathew hesitates for too long, and he notices Alfred is searching his face. Mathew tries to wear a poker face, but its always been a weakness of his. Mathew's usually overlooked, so he's not used to having to hide his expression, and it's practically useless against Alfred, who's know him most his life, the same way Alfred can't hide his expression from Mathew. Alfred's brows draw together, and his fingers are shaking the slightest bit as he asks a question.
"Is the truth something that will hurt?"
Alfred's tone is timid, and Mathew realizes Alfred is scared. His heart sinks further and Mathew can't find the words to respond. Mathew's silence seems to be answer enough for Alfred, and he wilts.
"Then just tell me a lie, Mattie."
There's a desperation in his request,like Alfred is afraid of the same thing Mathew is. Like Alfred's afraid he'll get hurt too. Mathew's chest stings. Alfred looks like he's giving up on something, though Mathew doesn't know what. Mathew doesn't like it. He decides to tell part of the truth.
"It's because I wanted to be the hero this time."
Mathew mumbles the words guiltily, referencing Alfred's favorite phrase growing up. "I'm the hero!" Saying it out loud makes it feel even more shameful, like he's a child admitting to Arthur that he had stolen the cookies after Arthur had defended him and said he wouldn't have. Like he's betrayed Alfred's trust. He doesn't look at Alfred, all he can do is study the rocks in the gravel path to distract himself.
"I wanted it to be me who saved him, not you."
The words hold a disgusting truth Mathew is still competing against. He'd always known he couldn't do it alone. If he'd call for help sooner, relied on Alfred sooner, it would never have gotten that bad. Francis would never have said those words. I wish I was dead. Mathew is afraid. He's afraid of what Alfred will say, how he'll react.
"Is that all?"
Alfred sounds relieved, and when Mathew jerks his head up to meet Alfred's gaze, he looks relieved too. There's still regret in his brother's eyes, but they aren't darkened, and Mathew is relieved that Alfred believes him. Of course there's no need for Alfred to feel guilty because of Mathew's inferiority complex, because Mathew wanted to be the hero. Alfred can't blame himself for Matthew's bad decision.
Alfred is studying Mathew's face too, hands clenching and unclenching, then clenching into fists once more.
"Hey Mattie?"
"Hm?"
"Let me hit you just once."
Mathew's eyes widen.
"What-"
Then Alfred socks him hard in the shoulder,and Mathew nearly falls over,catching himself at the last moment. Alfred curses and shakes his fist, and Mathew cant stop himself from cursing too as the pain registers, throbbing and stinging. After several curses that would have both Francis and Arthur washing their mouths put with soap, fully grown independent adult or not, Mathew remembers why he was hit, and freezes.
Alfred seems to remember too, and glares at him.
"We're a family, Matt. We put each other before ourselves, so if one of us needs help, if Francis needs help, or Arthur, or me, or anyone, your first priority is getting us all out there to help him! You got it?"
Alfred is angry,and ranting in a way Mathew's only had the misfortune of experiencing a few times before. With each furious word, something settles in Mathew's chest. It's not just guilt, but a feeling of comfort, like some weight untying, as Alfred scolds him, and a little resentment too, unjustified as it is. Mathew's shoulder and chest are aching, but Mathew almost wants to laugh, because it's not the same ache he's been feeling. Its something new.
"I understand."
He interrupts Alfred's rant with a confirmation, because Mathew knows Alfred is right. Alfred hesitates, screwing up his face, and Mathew thinks it looks like he might cry. But of course he won't. Alfred hasn't cried, not even through everything that's happened so far, so why would he cry now?
But maybe that's why a tear slides down Alfred's cheeks, and quickly turns into a stream. This time, it's Mathew's turn to hold his brother as he cries. Alfred breaks down as Mathew wraps his arms around him, and Mathew pretends not to notice the ugly face Alfred makes as he sobs, or how he wipes his runny nose on his sweater. Its the least he can do. While Alfred's sniffles begin to calm, Mathew remembers his family, his whole family. He remembers Alfred's words.
Alfred pulls away, wiping his face on Mathew's sleeve and mutter halfhearted apologies, but Mathew doesn't acknowledge them. He doesn't deserve them. Instead, he asks a question.
"Hey, why don't we get Kyle and James to come down too?"
The suggestion slips out before Mathew can fully explain it and Alfred gives him a look.
"We're all family, after all."
Mathew offers a sheepish smile, and Alfred stares into Mathews eyes intently for a moment, before melting into beam and he drags Mathew into a hug.
"Al? What?"
Alfred squeezes so hard he almost crushes Mathew, and Matthew's almost distracted from the words Alfred mumbles into his shoulder.
"The light's coming back in your eyes."
Mathew feels like everything is going to be alright somehow.
