Arthur feels like his whole life is falling apart.

"It's his fault Papa is dying!"

Matthew's words are on replay in his mind, and Arthur is terrified. He doesn't know what Mathew means, he doesn't know what's wrong with Francis, or why it's his fault, but he knows that Mathew genuinely means what he said, and that Francis was dying. Something is twisting inside him he remembers each of Matthew's words clearly, each of them smarting like a fresh burn.

I hate Arthur!"

And he really sounded like he had. Mathew was always a good child growing up. He didn't cause trouble or throw tantrums, rarely asked for help, rarely yelled or got mad. Arthur's sure it his fault. If he was a better father, Mathew wouldn't feel like he had to quietly accept everything, or think he had to do everything by himself. If Arthur listened more, perhaps Mathew wouldn't have learned to bottle up his feelings until they explode, perhaps he'd know how to talk about his grievances instead of exploding in anger.

"He's so absorbed in his stupid pride and can never admit when he's wrong, and always needs to get the upper hand!"

It stings because Arthur knows it's true. He knows he has difficulty admitting when he's wrong, it's always been his weakness, but he tries to pretend that's not the case. He doesn't want to see how his family is suffering because of him. He doesn't think he can bear the guilt if he admits it.

"That's why he and Papa split up! Because Arthur's head was so far up his derrière that he couldn't apologize! He's selfish and controlling and hateful!"

Maybe Mathew was right. Maybe it is his fault. It's been so long he's forgotten why they separated, but he knows it's because of the fights that never seemed to end. He'd blamed it on Francis, who loved to tease, he'd wanted to believe that it was Francis' fault, not his own insecurities.

It's getting harder to pretend that's the case. He knows that most of the fights were probably his fault. It was him who saw flirting when Francis claimed friendliness, him who picked at everything Francis did to cover his own embarrassment, him who couldn't admit when he was wrong, and him who couldn't make himself believe that Francis truly loved him.

Arthur thinks that Mathew is right, he is selfish and hateful. He wonders if the other children also blame him for the separation. He rings the doorbell again, trying to chase away his thoughts with irritation. On the third ring, the door swings open, and Arthur is surprised to see Gilbert's face before he remembers that Alfred had called him.

Gilbert's face grows stiff when he sees Arthur.

"What are you doing here?"

His tone and stance make his message clear. "if you're just here to hurt him again, get lost." Arthur feels somewhat lost in his chest. So even Gilbert blames him. But even so, Arthur won't back down. Francis is dying. Arthur needs to see him.

"I've come to see Francis."

Gilbert frowns, blocking the door with his arm.

"You can't."

Arthur is suddenly angry. What right does Gilbert have to tell him if he can see his husband or not? Whether they live separately or not, they are still married, the last knot that Arthur refuses to cut. Arthur knows it's selfish, but he doesn't want to let go of Francis. A part of him is still waiting for Francis to come back to him, whispering soft words and apologies Arthur doesn't deserve, and they'll be okay again. Arthur doesn't want to admit that this time, that isn't happening. It's been too many years to cling onto that pointless dream.

Truthfully, Arthur already knows Francis isn't coming back, but at this moment, he doesn't care. The man he loves is dying, and Arthur needs to be by his side, and no one, no one is going to stop him.

"What do you mean I can't see him! If he's dying then I have the right-"

He's furious, but he cuts himself off at the look of bewilderment on Gilbert's face.

"Dying? What the hell? He's not dying! Why would you think that?"

Gilbert isn't the type of person that can lie, and it's obvious to Arthur that he's being honest, but Arthur knows that Mathew wasn't lying either, and he can't tell who's right, he doesn't know what's going on. He forgets his anger temporarily in the confusion, a rebuttal slipping from his lips.

"But Mathew-"

There's a shifting noise behind him and Gilbert's eyes go to the people behind Arthur, and there's a tired realization that takes over his form, and a guilt in his eyes as he makes a sound of understanding. Arthur looks towards Mathew too, hoping to somehow make sense of the chaotic situation, but Mathew looks away. He still looks pale, and his face is blotched, and even from where he stands Arthur can see the slight tremor to Matthew's form. His son looks devastated, and Arthur can't believe that Francis is okay after seeing that. Gilbert seems to understand that Arthur won't give up and gives in tiredly.

"Fine, you can come in, but you can't see Francis."

Arthur wants to protest, but Gilbert stops him with a glare, and there's something else in the cold glare, fear, that makes Arthur feel like he can't ask for more than this.

"Tony and I just got him to sleep, and he needs his rest. If you can't behave, you can't come in."

The concept that Antonio and Gilbert have to put Francis to bed like a child is scary enough on its own, and Arthur feels an icy feeling as he tries not to picture what sort of awful thing had happened to Francis. The feeling gets worse when he asks Gilbert what's wrong, and Gilbert's short response is only "I'll get Toni." before he slips away.

Arthur thinks he might go crazy with worry.