getThanks for all the awesome reviews everyone. This is a long ASS chapter but a lot happens and I really LOVE it. So I hope y'all do. REVIEW.

Meredith

The next morning, Meredith wakes on the couch in the living room, the dull pains of a hangover enough indication as to what happened last night.

She's used to it.

She heads upstairs quietly and walks into her room. The guy is still asleep. Meredith looks at him quickly. They never look as good in the daylight.

She flips on the light and within a few seconds he blinks awake, rolls over and grins at her. "Hey."

"Hey."

"So that was. . ."

Meredith turns her back to him and rolls her eyes. "Yeah. So, listen, I'm going to go take a shower, and when I get back here, you won't be here." Her famous line. Her catchphrase.

"But-"

She hurriedly goes on. "So goodbye. . ." She closes her eyes, searching for the name. It still doesn't come. "Bye."

She leaves the room.

George is out in the hallway. He nods at her bedroom door. "Another one?'

She nods, feeling defensive at the judgment she hears in his voice. "So?"

He narrows his eyes slightly, but says, "Nothing." His voice suggests everything else. She pushes past him and slams the door of the bathroom.

Derek

"Nice work, everyone. Close up for me." Derek pulls his surgical gloves off and goes into the scrub room to wash his hands.

Early surgery. He enjoys this. Particularly this morning, when it had prevented him from having to speak to Addison about his behavior last night.

He finishes washes his hands and walks down the corridor, stopping outside the interns locker room and standing against the wall. They should be about ready to start rounds.

Dr. Bailey walks down the hall toward the locker room, ready to give the interns their assignments for the day. He stops her, "Dr. Bailey, I need an intern for a nerve case today."

She nods at him. "You got it."

He hesitates, making his voice casual. "Make it Dr. Grey would you?"

She gives him that all-too familiar look. "You really want to go there today? Again? I can't keep assigning her exclusively to you!"

"You haven't! Not since last week!"

"That's not because you haven't asked. Listen, Dr. Shepard-"

"I know, I know. Leave her alone. Treat her like all the others. I know. But I think she'll be good on this case."

Bailey doesn't buy it. She just shakes her head at him but says, "If that's what you want."

She disappears into the locker room and Derek leans against the wall again. Around Meredith, he sometimes feels like a little kid who's done something wrong and desperately searches their parents face for some trace of forgiveness. Sometimes he's the older kid, who tries to make jokes, hoping to hear laughter. He just wants an indication that she's okay.

He knows he's probably making it hard on her. But he can't stop searching.

"Waiting for someone?"

He turns. Addison is approaching, and her eyes are on the locker room door. He can see she's irritated with him for last night.

"Yeah, Dr. Bailey", he snaps coolly. "That okay with you?"

Addison leans against the wall next to him and sips her coffee. "So, you want to explain this whole ferryboat thing to me?"

"No." She won't understand.

Addison looks at him. "God, Derek, stop pouting."

He thinks about bringing up all the idiotic things she's gone mental over in the past few weeks, but he doesn't. He just ignores her.

She starts to say something, but her pager beeps. Without another word to him, she turns and goes.

The locker room door opens and Bailey steps out, followed by Christina, George, Alex, Izzie and Meredith.

Derek and Meredith's gazes lock for a moment, then she pulls away and looks at the floor.

"Ya'll know you're assignments." Bailey reminds the interns, who all start to move except for Meredith. Bailey gives him a warning look before walking off.

Meredith's hands are shoved into the pocket of her lab coat. She's looking past him at the wall. She looks so. . . defeated. Derek feels a pang of guilt.

He pushes it aside and smiles. "Ready?"

"Sure, Dr. Shepard." He hears the detachment in her voice.

He wants to say something to her, but he can't find the words. Finally he nods, his smile gone. "Let's go then."

Meredith

She wishes he wouldn't do this. Ask for her on cases, that is. She just wants to forget him, and it's bad enough for her to have to see him in the hallway, or on the elevator, or leaving with Addison. She doesn't want to be thrust into his presence anymore.

Still, he misses him. Sometimes being around him makes her want to break down and beg him to change his mind, as unlikely as that is.

The patient they are working with is a 37 year old woman who's had headaches and dizziness for the past few weeks, and passed out in the shower the night before. Derek wants to take her for a CT scan.

They stand in the little room later, staring at the monitors showing the woman's brain. Meredith hasn't said anything to him yet.

It's been a couple of days since they talked; Bailey's been keeping her off his cases. Derek clears his throat and she senses he's not about to talk about the case.

"So. . .how've you. . ." He pauses. "How've you been?"

Shitty. However, she tries to pretend that this is a normal conversation. "Okay." She feels his eyes on her, and she stares intently at the monitors. She knows he doesn't believe her. She didn't expect him to when she said it.

"Meredith."

She hates that tone. It's the kind he uses to try to get her to open up, be honest with him. As if he deserves that anymore. Her only hope of getting by is to stay closed.

He seems to get the idea that she isn't going to respond, because his voice returns to the professional one. "Come here, look at this scan. Here's her problem. . ."

Deciding it's safe, she goes over to stand behind him and peers at the screen where his finger's pointing. "A tumor."

"Exactly." He makes a note on his clipboard. "She's lucky. It's definitely operable." He turns around suddenly and meets Meredith's eyes before she can pull them away. "I'll let her know and you can prep her for surgery, then scrub in."

Was there really a time when brain surgery excited her? Now she just nods.

She waits for him to leave the room, but he doesn't move. He just stands there. "Are you okay?"

No. How the hell can I be okay? She wants to scream. But she says, "I just said I was didn't I?"

He smiles slightly. "Then you're a liar." He knows her well enough to know she's not happy.

Now she meets his eyes and glares at him. "No, that would be you." His smile fades and he looks stung, which angers her more.

Then his wounded look fades to one of guilt. His voice is soft and gentle. "Yeah. I'm sorry, Mer."

Damn him. How many times has he told her he was sorry now? Yet, still, the tone of his voice makes her throat tighten and her eyes sting.

She looks at the ground, hating herself for always avoiding his eyes as if she's afraid, but the truth is that she is. . .she gets lost in his eyes, and she can't do that anymore.

"It doesn't matter." She murmurs.

"Yeah, it does-"

"It doesn't." Her voice is firm. She just wants him to stop talking. "Now are you going to go talk to the patient or not?"

He waits for a moment, then nods and walks off. She follows him at a distance.

Addison comes out of an examining room somewhere down the hall and catches up to Derek. Meredith stops and watches them talk. Derek throws a look over his shoulder at her and she tries to get an indifferent look on her face.

Meredith hangs back until Addison reenters the room. Derek seems to slow down as if waiting for Meredith the catch up, but she doesn't quicken her pace anymore.

He waits for her outside the door to their patient's room. She notices the preoccupied, annoyed look on his face and can't help but wonder what Addison said to him.

Derek

Marriage counseling.

She really wants them to go to marriage counseling. Again! He hates marriage counseling. As soon as they'd come to the compromise that she would move to Seattle and he would stop talking to Meredith (which was working out oh so well), only a few weeks ago, he'd pushed to quit.

Now she wants to go back.

Well, he had hated to be the one to tell her, but their marital issues were past being solved by a counselor. They would sit and yell at each other and eventually get sick of it all and lie about their true feelings.

Not much difference from what they did now, except they had to pay.

"I made us an appointment." Addison had said, ignoring everything he'd said. "Tonight. We need help, Derek. Clearly we left too soon last time."

"Clearly it didn't work last time!"

She had continued to ignore him, then walked back to her patient's room and left him standing there in irritation.

He can barely concentrate on what he's saying to his patient. He tells her about the tumor and the surgery, assures her and does everything else he's supposed to. Meredith, however, notices his change. He can tell.

She doesn't ask about it. He suspects this is because she's determined not to talk to him. Or even look at him.

He knows he deserves this. He knows she's trying to make it a little easier on herself. He knows she's hurting.

He knows.

But it still hurts.

Later, they're in surgery together. They've been working in silence for awhile when she blurts out, "Why do you keep doing this?"

"What? Brain surgery? It pays the bills." He attempts a grin, waiting for a smile. It doesn't come. She looks serious.

"Asking for me on your cases. Bailey said you were. I don't get it."

He hesitates, wondering how to explain it. To buy time, he asks, "Does it bother you?"

She hesitates, too, then answers, "A little. Look, Derek, I just. . .it's hard for me to. . . to be around you now. It makes it harder to let go."

He meets her eyes. "I'm not trying to hurt you."

She smiles humorlessly. "Too late." He sighs, and she continues, "Sorry, but. . .what I mean is it's hard to be around you when I know I can't be with you and I still. . ." She stops, her face flushing.

He's aching to tell her he loves her. But that would really make it harder on her. He's aching to put his arms around her, stroke her hair, tell her that everything will be okay, and kiss her and go back to how things were.

But he can't. Because of that ring.

Instead, he has to go to marriage counseling. Part of him just views this as an annoyance and a waste of time.

But another part is afraid. He's afraid that the counselor will force them to move past the stupid, petty issues and visit the underlying cause. He's afraid they'll have to talk about Meredith.

He doesn't want some counselor talking to him about Meredith. He doesn't want Addison demanding that he stop talking to her. He doesn't want to deal with the fact that he's still in love with her.

The night, they sit in front of the counselor, the same one they went to before. He's asked what drove them to come back.

Addison is explaining about things. The constant fighting over nothing. The way they have a tendency to stomp out of the room. Derek sits silently brooding until he hears Meredith's name.

". . .and he hasn't stopped talking to Meredith, despite what he said-"

"I said this before, I work with her! I've talked to her when we've been on cases!"

"You request that she's on cases with you! I know you do."

Derek's face reddens slightly and he glares at her.

The counselor looks at him. "Derek?"

He keeps his eyes downcast. "She's one of the best of the interns. I've requested her once or twice on certain cases I think she'd do well on. That's all. It's nothing but professional anymore." He is disgusted with himself. Why bother lying? The truth is, if Addison had asked him herself, he wouldn't have lied. But here, in front of the counselor, he doesn't want to get into the whole Meredith thing. He doesn't want to be told what that means.

"So why can't you stay away from her?" Addison demands.

"Because we work together." He emphasizes each word as if he is speaking to an idiot. "Damn, you just want to find something to fight about. . ."

"I think Meredith is the big issue here. You didn't choose her, you chose me, and now you resent me for that!"

"Derek, at our last session you said Meredith wouldn't be an issue anymore, that she was out of your life." The counselor says slowly.

Derek exhales. "She is. Except for at work."

"Maybe that's the only place you see her, but you still. . ."Addison is upset. "How do you feel about her now, Derek?"

Derek was quiet. The counselor then said, prodding him, "Derek?"

"Look, when. . .when you showed up, Addison, Meredith and I weren't serious yet, we were just getting to the point where it was serious. Maybe that's why I felt like I needed to pick you, why I owed it to our marriage to give it a try." He looks Addison in the eye. "But it doesn't matter how serious we were. I fell in love with her." Addison's eyes widen slightly. "That doesn't go away because I decided to stay with you."

Even the counselor doesn't know exactly how to respond.

Meredith

She wakes up that morning, surprisingly free of a hangover, and alone in her bed. This is due to the fact that Christina had announced she was coming over to "hang out" and Izzie had driven her straight to the house, never giving her a chance to get to Joe's.

She is pulling her hair up and sipping coffee in the locker room when Bailey enters. She wishes silently that she won't be put with Derek again.

Bailey looks at her. "You're popular lately, Grey. Montgomery-Shepard wants you on her case today." Meredith nearly chokes on her coffee.

"What? Why!"

"Couldn't tell you, I'm as surprised as you are." Meredith barely listens as Bailey gives the others their assignments.

She joins Addison soon outside her patient's room. Addison glances at her, "Thanks for joining me, Dr. Grey."

"Um, yeah." She forces herself to act normal, as if she doesn't care. "No problem."

Later, they are doing medical tests (my medical knowledge is essentially zilch, so ignore it) when Addison breaks the awkward silence hanging over them. "You know Derek and I started counseling again last night."

Meredith stares at her. Why is she telling her this? "Um, okay."

Addison fixes her with an expressionless stare. "I thought we should talk about you, his feelings toward you. I thought you were a big problem in our marriage."

Meredith doesn't know how to respond. So she simply repeats, "Okay." She wishes Addison would shut up.

"I was wrong. At least, mostly. You're not as big of an issue as I thought." There is a sly, suggestive tone to her voice and Meredith can't help but reply.

"What does that. . .what do you mean?"

"Derek told the counselor that you were out of his life, that it was strictly professional between you two."

Meredith stares at her. "Why are you telling me this?"

Addison ignored her. "He also said that he picked me because he knew you two. . .when you were dating, I mean, weren't serious yet. Were still on your way to serious."

Meredith feels like she's been slapped. She doesn't look at Addison, so she doesn't feel the hurt and tears filling her eyes. She pictures Derek and Addison sitting in an office with some counselor, pictures Derek saying these things about her.

Her throat is too tight to speak for a few minutes. Finally, she asks, "Why are you telling me this?"

"So you'll know where he stands. I think you should. And you can leave him alone."

"I'm not. . ." She is so surprised and angry by this comment that she can't speak for a second. "I try. Maybe you haven't noticed, but Derek's been the one trying to talk to me! If your marriage is dead, don't try to blame me! Blame your husband. Or, more likely, blame yourself. I think it was you who cheated on him with his best friend. Your lucky he took you back at all!"

Meredith is shocked at herself for going off on Addison. Addison looks shocked as well. Then she speaks in a quiet, forceful voice, "Get out."

Meredith stares at her. "What?"

"Get out. You're off this case, get out of here."

"You can't-"

"I just did."

Meredith stands rooted in spot for a moment, then turns and leaves. She heads down the hall and into the elevator. Derek sees her and follows. She reaches for the close door button but he gets in anyway.

"Hey."

She ignores him. She's worried that if she speaks she'll either start crying or yelling.

"Heard you're with Addison today. What-"

"Shut up." She says quietly.

"Huh?"

"Just leave me alone. I'm supposed to 'out of your life', remember?" Her words drip with bitterness.

Derek looks confused. "What are you-"

"Your wife was just filling me in on your counseling session last night. I guess I was one of the discussion topics." Her voice breaks slightly in spite of her attempts to remain flippant and smartass.

"What did Addison tell you?

"Just that I'm out of your life, and that you picked her because you and I weren't serious." Derek gapes at her. Meredith sees this. "You deny it?"

"She took everything way out of context."

"So you did say it." She knows she shouldn't care. She knows it doesn't affect whether or not they're together. But she can't stop the tears from filling her eyes, and she's blinking furiously to keep them back.

He reaches out and pulls the emergency stop on the elevator. "I also said it didn't matter how long we'd been dating! I said I fell in love with you, and that it hasn't gone away even though I decided to stay with her!" He pauses, then places a hand on her shoulder. "I love you."

She's really crying now. "Shut up! I don't want to hear that, I can't. Just stop saying that to me, because it's not true-"

"It is."

"Then it wasn't enough for you, and that sucks. So stop telling me that, because what's the point? If you're feeling guilty and want forgiveness, you're looking in the wrong place." She violently pushes the button back, desperately wanting to be out this elevator. When the doors open she turns around and stares at him, her face wet with tears. "You want me out of your life, fine. Stay the hell out of mine. Just stay away from me."

"Meredith, wait-"

He steps after her, but she's walking quickly away.

DEREK

"What the hell did you tell her?" Derek is in a rage. He slams the door of the trailer behind him and stares at Addison.

Addison looks up, startled. Innocently, she asks, "Who?"

"You know who." His voice is dangerously quiet. "What right do you have to talk to her about our marriage counseling!"

Addison keeps her voice calm. "I thought I was helping you out. Seeing as the only problem you're having keeping her out of your life is that fact that you work together."

Derek can hardly speak he's so angry. "Just. . .just stay away from her."

"Imagine that's what she's told you to do."

Derek is seized with sudden hatred for his wife. "Just because you're threatened-"

"Well, yeah." She says this as if it is obvious. "You admit to being in love with her, Derek. What am I supposed to feel other than threatened?"

"You still have no right."

"Derek, if you love her, why did you pick me?"

He pauses, then fixes his wife with a hard stare. "Right now, I'm not sure."

"Derek, I'm-"

"Shut up." He walks over to the refrigerator and takes out a six pack and goes outside on the porch.

He waits there, willing Addison not to follow him.

He begins to drink.

Meredith

She goes straight to Joe's. Her friends make half-hearted attempts to convince her to go home, but they see the tears in her eyes and drying on her cheeks and know she won't be talked out of it.

She sits, doing shot after shot. She hates him. She also loves him, and those emotions together make everything complicated. She's settle for just hate, if she could get rid of the love part. Better yet, she wishes she just didn't care.

But she does.

Joe comes over to talk. She knows he's probably just trying to distract her from drinking so much, but she doesn't mind pouring her problems on him. She tells him in a broken voice what Addison said, how she feels about Derek, and everything she's been doing lately to avoid thinking about him.

That's the nice thing about bartenders. They don't mind listening, and they've heard enough not to judge.

He's nodding sympathetically. She asks for more tequila and he fixes her with an understanding look, but says, "Why don't you hold off on that?"

She stares at him, shaking her head.

He keeps talking, "Call Izzie or Christina, and they can come get you. Talk to them. They're better at this than me." He smiled slightly. "Well, Izzie is, anyway. And even Christina is better than tequila."

"Not so sure about that." Meredith replies weakly. "No, I-I don't want to call them."

She keeps ordering and she keeps drinking. Joe doesn't understand. None of them do. Talking about it won't make her forget. She doesn't want to talk. She just wants to forget.

Derek

He's had several beers when Addison seems to think it's okay to come outside. "Derek. . ." She begins tentatively.

He jumps up and holds out an arm to stop her. "No, I told you to shut up, I said get away from me. . ." His voice is slurring slightly.

Addison looks at the bottles scattered around the porch. "Are you drunk?"

He ignores her. "Get away.

"Derek, we have to talk about-"

"I don't wanna talk!" He's shouting, and he moves off the porch and toward the car.

"Don't be stupid, Derek, you can't drive, you could kill yourself."

He jumps in the car and jams the keys into the ignition. Soon he's driving off, leaving Addison standing in shock.

He drives down the road, heading nowhere. His mind is cloudy, and his vision has blurred with tears. Addison's words run through his head, "You could kill yourself. . ."

He laughs out loud. Like that's such a bad thing right now. Like he has anything left worth living for.

Meredith. . .he can't get her out of his head.

He lifts his hands off the wheel for a split second, experimentally. He clutches it again instantly, his heart pounding. He has the control.

He is powerless in many things in his life, even small things. But this. . .the power to live or die. . .he has the power in his hands.

He closes his eyes and thinks of Meredith. Words and images flash through his mind.

It's like I was drowning and you saved me.

Pick me. Choose me. Love me.

It's not the chase. You and me.

Oh. You're staying with her.

Yeah, she's my wife.

I fell in love with her.

Meredith, I am so sorry.

Don't get me wrong, I like the kissing. More kissing I say.

He lifts his hands from the wheel, closes his eyes, and waits.

Meredith

She's shaken awake that morning and meets the familiar hangover pains. She has only a vague recollection of last night. She doesn't even know who drove her home from Joe's. She doesn't know how long she sat there.

She looks up and sees Izzie looking down at her, her eyes huge and her face pale. She's muttering her name, sounding urgent, "Meredith, Mer, wake up, c'mon. . ."

Meredith gives a nod to indicate she's awake and she blinks against the intensity of the light. She looks around the room and sees George and Alex hovering in the doorway. She barely has time to marvel the fact that Alex must have stayed over with Izzie before she notices the looks on the three faces.

"What's going on?" Fear begins to seize her. Something's wrong.

Izzie looks at her. "It's Derek."

Okay, so that was a long chapter. But I wanted to end it here. For those of you who read my story How To Save a Life, you know I've used a car accident before, with Meredith. But I started thinking about how it would be if Derek was the one in the accident, and built the story around the set up. Otherwise, it's nothing like the other one, because the dynamic is so different (their relationship is in a very different place, Addison is more involved obviously, etc.) I think this way is actually more interesting, and like I said, I making this one more angsty since I LOVE angst. Will post again soon if you review : )