a/n: so, i'm writing this particular author's note to inform you that there will be (gasp), a lemon in here. yes, that's right...sexual content. now, i'm a bit nervous, seeing as though this is my first public foray into the subject, so please keep that in mind. however, said citrus isn't as sexy as it sounds. perhaps we need justin timberlake to bring sexy back? sorry, lame, lame joke. just read the chapter...
5. Slipped Away
Four days later, despite Spike insisting that she should stay another, Faye was released from the hospital. Arriving back on the Bebop, and actually glad to be there, Faye was led to her room, with Spike's help, and put in bed. If it where up to her, she would have hit the kitchen first, but the men on the ship weren't going to ease up on her so soon.
As Spike unpacked her stuff, which had grown into quite a bit over her four day stay, Ed came twirling into the room, a glass of water precariously balanced on her head. Jet strode in behind her, carefully removing the glass before it crashed to the floor.
"Is Faye-Faye all better, now?" Ed asked as she spun some more.
"Yes, Ed, I feel fine."
At her answer, Ed zoomed over to Faye and glanced her over. It was a habit of the girl's, inspecting you after a bout of absence. Upon arriving at Faye's abdomen, Ed stopped and jerked her head back up.
"Faye-Faye's tummy isn't big anymore. Does that mean that the baby is ready!" She asked with growing excitement. "Where is it? Where's your baby?"
The adults in the room all exchanged nervous glances. Spike and Jet looked at each other first, then looked to Faye to see how she reacted. Faye's eyed had flittered towards Spike's as she tried to tell him that she didn't want to answer.
"Um, come on, Ed. Faye needs to get some rest," Jet said to her, as he put a hand on Ed's shoulder.
"But what about the baby?"
"There's no baby, anymore," Jet gently said. He gave Ed a look that told her not to press any further, and the girl simply nodded in agreement as he lead her out of the room.
Now, Faye and Spike where left alone. The silence was, to say the least, deafening. She wanted him to say something, yet he didn't know what to say. He finished tossing her things into the closet and drawers, and then turned back to her. They stared at each other for several minutes, neither moving nor barely breathing.
"You should drink your water," Spike's voice cut through the quiet.
Again, the two just stared at each other. Finally looking away, Faye sighed at the situation she found herself in. What had she expected from him, anyway? For all she knew, he didn't give a damn about her or the baby. Or at least that's how he was acting. In truth, she knew that was a lie (or at least she hoped), but at the moment, why didn't he know that she needed him?
"Is that all you can say to me right now?" She asked.
"What do you want from me?" He sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose.
"Oh, I dunno. I guess I just thought it'd be nice if my boyfriend would be so kind as to comfort me after the loss of our child!" She shouted, unsure of where her anger was coming from.
"I thought that that's what I was doing for the last four days! Christ, Faye, how much more comforting do you need?"
"God, Spike, I was unaware that I had a specific time frame for grieving," Faye shouted in return as she pushed herself up from her bed.
"Just get over it already! It happened, it was bad, and now it's over. Let it go and leave it in the past. And sit the fuck back down, you know your stitches are still fresh!"
Huffing in his direction, Faye reluctantly eased back down onto the bed and turned her head away from him. It only took a matter of moments for the tears to stream down her face once more. Why was he doing this? Why didn't he feel the pain, too?
"Jesus, Faye," he breathed as he walked over to her. He pulled her into his arms, noting that she tensed at his touch, and stroked her back the way he had in the hospital. "I didn't mean it like that. It's just…we gotta move on, Faye. It was a shitty thing that happened, but we can't dwell on that."
"But it was our baby, Spike," she choked out.
"It's not like we can't make another one," Spike said honestly, perhaps too honestly.
Faye processed the man's words, and let them sink in. She began to steel herself against him, then, understanding that she would get no more comfort from him. He was all comforted out, most likely, and this was something he wanted to get away from. If she got him as well as she thought she did, then Faye figured that Spike saw the loss of the baby as a failure. And when he failed, he tended to move on from that situation as fast as possible.
Perhaps for herself, but mostly for him, Faye decided to drop the subject in that moment. If Spike wanted to forget about things, then so would she. She had a bad habit of loving him, and to preserve what they still had, she decided to give up the pain that she still felt. And all for him.
"I'm sorry, Spike," she said into his chest. "I guess…I guess I was just overreacting. You're right, we should just move on."
Spike nodded at her as Faye pushed herself out of his arms. He wasn't positive what brought on the change, but he was secretly thankful for it. The less they dealt with this situation, the better. Spike knew all too well the pitfalls of dwelling on the past, and he wasn't going to let Faye fall into a rut like that. Maybe he shouldn't have believed in his warped ways so much, though.
"You should get some rest. Doctor's orders, after all," Spike told her.
"Yeah, I guess you're right. Will…will you stay with me?"
"I've got something I need to do," Spike said to her rather quickly.
"Oh…okay," she said, feeling rejected. But deciding to leave things as they were, she nodded to him and smiled.
Spike then kissed her softly on the lips, but cut the contact all too fast. Throwing her one more glance as he headed out the door, he smiled back at her, and then left her to herself.
Spike wandered around the Bebop for a little while, not really trying to go any place. He admired the metal walls, the grooved floors; anything to keep his mind off of the present situation. It wasn't that he wasn't upset about the loss of his child, it was just that it was easier to move on. He didn't stop to think if he was going about this all wrong, but then again, Spike wasn't prone to stop and think about anything he did.
Winding up in the common room once again, Spike flopped down on his favorite spot on the old, yellow couch, and ran a hand over his face. Eyeing a pack of cigs on the table in front of him, Spike reached out and scooped up the pack. Shoving a cigarette into his mouth and lighting it with the lighter he found in the cushions, he didn't hesitate to inhale a long, deep breath.
Funny thing, smoking. When he thought about it, seeing as it was the safest thing to think about, he was almost amazed by how the simple mix of smoke and paper could soothe his frazzled nerves. The nicotine haze seeped into his clothes, his hair, and marked him with a scent all its own. The end of the cig fumed a fiery-red. Not the most poetic allusion once could make, but it was the only way he could describe it.
In the back of his mind, he knew he should stop smoking. As so many medical mumbo-jumbo stories had said, smoking would ruin his lungs, etc. His heart was banged up by the heroin, and he logically stopped that. His liver was knocked around by the alcohol, so he smartly stopped that, too. But he couldn't stop smoking, not just yet. It was his first grown-up addiction, the first thing he couldn't put down. To turn his back on such a loyal friend would be blasphemous. Maybe, in time, he could wean himself, but for now, he'd just leave this habit be.
"I thought you'd be with Faye," Spike heard Jet say from behind him as he entered the room.
Spike didn't answer the older man, though, just exhaled the fog from his insides.
"I explained things to Ed, and she understood better than I thought she would. But then again, we're always underestimating her. She really is a smart girl, when you get down to it."
Spike nodded his head in accordance, but still didn't offer to chime in.
"She knows it's not a subject to be brought up, and I trust that she won't. She may hide it well, but Ed knows about pain, and she knows how to keep things to herself. She's a real funny kid, but then again, how else could she be."
Dashing the dying embers of his finished cigarette in the ashtray in front of him, Spike sat back in the couch and stared at the slowly rotating fan.
"You can't ignore her, Spike," Jet said after a few seconds of silence. "Now that she's home, it'll be a lot easier to stay away from each other. That's not what you want. Is it?"
"No," Spike spoke up, exasperated. "You know that, so don't ask me dumb questions."
"Then what do you want?" Jet prodded his finally talking friend
"I want for this to all go away," Spike sighed almost wistfully to Jet.
Jet eyed the man on the couch, sighing dismally at his apathy. Rising from the chair he hadn't realized he sat in, Jet turned away from him and headed towards the kitchen.
"This won't just go away, Spike, so don't sweep it under the rug. If you do, then this will come back to haunt you in the worse way possible. And that's a bad feeling that I have. I know I didn't respect your hunch, but perhaps you will, mine."
Pausing for a response, but getting nothing more than a yawn, Jet continued on his way.
"Dinner should be ready in about an hour. Same as always, bell peppers and beef."
Faye didn't show up for dinner that night. She didn't appear for leftovers the next night, either. She had opted to stay in her room and rest. Truthfully, she simply wanted to cry in private. Sure, she'd give up her pain when Spike was around, but when he wasn't, she was free to feel. And that's all she got to do for the two days she stayed in her room. It was Jet who had brought her food, and it was Ed who had kept her company. She hadn't seen Spike, though. For a few moments, Faye thought he had snuck in to watch her sleep, but when she looked over, he wasn't there.
Faye wanted an explanation for Spike's avoidance of her, but she also wanted to avoid a fight at all cost. And to question him would surely lead to one. By the third day of her self-imposed room stay, Faye finally ventured out into the Bebop again. She emerged around one in the afternoon, a slight pang of hunger rousing her. Her first stop, however, was the shower.
After a hot wash, Faye dressed in a pair of hospital scrubs ("borrowed" from the hospital, of course), and let her damp hair hang around her loosely. Heading into the kitchen, Faye quickly side-stepped to avoid being crashed into by the Ed Express. Lately, Edward had taken to trains, instead of her trademark airplane zooms. Following at the girl's heels, as always, was a yipping Ein, who passively regarded Faye as he ran by.
Chuckling to herself, finding some sort of pleasure in Ed's antics, Faye rounded the corner and entered her destination. Arriving in front of the fridge, Faye pulled the door open and frowned a bit when she saw that it was bare.
"Big surprise," she muttered as she closed the door again.
Taking a trip to the cupboards, Faye groaned at the emptiness she found there, too.
"We really have to find a better way to keep the kitchen filled," she grumbled once again.
"If you want the kitchen full, then you have to have money. And if you want money, you gotta work," Jet said from behind her.
"You're not hinting at me, are you?" Faye lightly smiled as she turned to greet him.
"No, not at all," was his very sarcastic reply.
The two hunters shared respectful stares as Jet tried to gauge whether his words were crossing the line, hitting too close to home. When Faye threw as dish towel at him, he knew it was alright.
"If you want anything special, I think I can make you something," Jet told her as he watched her take a seat.
"You don't have to walk on eggshells, Jet, really. And you don't have to treat me differently, either."
"I didn't plan on it, you know that's not my way," he smirked. "But I'm feeling more generous than usual, and I got a couple of woolongs stashed away."
"'Jet's Rainy Day Fund' again?" She smiled.
"Yeah. With the rift-rafts I let on my ship, I need a back-up more often then not."
"Well, at least I'm a cute rift-raft," Faye smirked back. "Well, I guess I could go for a nice, juicy steak, if you can afford it."
"I thought ladies didn't eat steak."
"Ah, but you've told me on many an occasion, that I am no lady."
"Ha, fair enough. Steak it is."
Jet gave her a parting smile, and left Faye alone in the kitchen. She looked around the barren room and decided to exit as well. Heading for the common room, the place where everyone seemed to end up, Faye gladly deposited her still tired body on everyone's favorite yellow couch. And speaking of "everyone", Faye's heart skipped a nervous beat as she saw Spike walk in, fresh from a workout.
"Me and the kid are goin' to the store," Jet addressed Spike as he slumped onto the coffee table.
"What are you going for," Spike asked as he ran a corner of his towel over his forehead.
"Gotta eat something tonight," was Jet's casual reply.
"Get me a pack of smokes, will ya?"
"I don't take requests," the older man said as he headed out the door. Stepping out of the way, Jet watched as the Ed Express choo-choo'ed by, Ein acting as the caboose. "And try not to kill each other while we're out."
With that, Jet closed the door and left Spike and Faye to themselves. It was the first time in over two days that the two of them where alone together. With his back turned towards her, Faye watched Spike's hunched form. The tight muscles in his back flexed and relaxed with every little move he made. If they were under normal circumstances, Faye would have offered Spike an after workout massage, which would lead to a workout of another kind. But this was anything but normal.
Spike, meanwhile, sat with his elbows on his knees, desperately wishing for a cigarette. A part of him waited for Faye to come over and run her slender hands over his exposed flesh, raising goose bumps along the way, but the most of him knew that she wouldn't dare approach him at the moment. He struggled with the choice of speaking or simply leaving, but opted for the former. He had been ignoring her. The least he could do was strike up casual conversation.
"Good to see you up."
"Huh?" Faye gasped, caught off guard by his sudden remark. "Oh, yeah…me, too."
"So, what's Jet going to the store to get? More beef for the bell peppers," he tried to joke.
"I think he's actually going to cook a real meal tonight," Faye told him.
For a few minutes, neither of them said a word. They were still too deep into theirs own funks to know how to respond to one another. But when you really looked at things, Spike and Faye never knew how to talk to each other. There was usually a lot of yelling and a lot of shouting, and without that, they sometimes didn't know what to do.
"I was thinking," Faye started, a seemingly forced perkiness in her voice. "It's a good thing we aren't having a kid, after all. I mean, we have a hard enough time keeping food in the kitchen, anyway. While I can survive on dog food, I don't think a baby can."
Faye continued to ramble off her thoughtless prattle, unaware of Spike's tensing form.
"God, Spike," she continued, "what in the hell were we thinking? We could never feed a child, let alone raise one!"
Faye laughed at her revelations, thinking that Spike would agree and join in with her at any second. That wasn't what she got, however. Instead of Spike turning to her with a grin, he rocketed off of the table, barely restrained anger in his features.
"What the fuck kind of joke is that!"
"What? What in the hell is your problem?" Faye asked him, shocked by his demeanor.
"Our fucking baby was killed, Faye! I don't think that's something to laugh at! I really wonder what goes on it that freeze-dried skull of yours, sometimes. I didn't know that all this kid was to you was one giant punch line. If that's the case, though, then maybe it's a good thing that the kids' gone, after all!"
That did it for Faye. What in the hell was wrong with this man? First, he's the one who acts as if nothing's happening, then he disregards any mention of her for two days, and then this?
"You're out of your goddamn mind, Spiegel! How dare you tell me something like that! I'm not the one who's walking around here, trying to forget! You're always trying to forget shit, never thinking of who you're hurting!"
"Who I'm hurting! You're no saint, yourself, Valentine!"
"What in the hell have I done!"
"I don't have to explain to you," he shouted back, unable to come up with a real answer. "At least I don't go around, joking about our dead baby!"
"Well, at least I act like the baby ever existed!"
Furious and fuming, the feuding adults glared daggers at each other, both daring the other one to speak. Faye hated Spike in that moment. Of all the things to insinuate, of all the things to say, he had the nerve to try and say that she didn't care about the life that had been growing inside of her. If that was the case, then she wouldn't have locked herself in her room for two days. If that was the case, then she wouldn't have cried for three days straight. If that was the case, then she wouldn't be crying right now.
Aware of the moisture streaming down her face, Faye turned away from Spike, not ashamed, but overwhelmed with the influx of emotions. Straightening her form from 'anger stance' to 'I give up', Faye fluidly turned around and walked away from him.
"You know, sometimes I really, really hate you, Spike," she said as she shuffled away.
Once again, something snapped in Spike. He would take a lot from Faye, so he learned over the time he'd been around her, but now that she was his, he would never accept the words she just said. Hurrying after her, he was determined to set her straight.
Faye's door was almost closed when Spike easily pushed it open again. With emotions running ragged and amuck, he slammed the door shut behind him and pinned her with a look.
"Take it back, Faye!"
"Take what back," she spit at him, not at all deterred by his scowl.
"Take back what you just said!"
"Take back what you said!"
Not up for a game of run around, Spike approached Faye, and without breaking stride, he landed a bruising kiss upon her lips. She struggled for a moment, trying to get him off of her, but he easily overpowered her, and crushed her to him. Faye wasn't about to let him get the upper hand, though.
"You're mine, Faye, and I'll prove that to you right now to make my point," he ground out.
"I'm not yours or anyone's," was Faye's response. "I only let you think that you can own me."
Spurred on by her defiance, or his inability to reign in what he felt, Spike almost violently shoved her into the door and kissed her again. He had her trapped between steel and himself, foolishly thinking that she'd submit so quickly. In the dim light of her room, shadows played across Faye's face, giving her a look that alternated between anger and lust. His large hands were splayed on either side of her head and his knee was situated roughly between her legs. A moan was successfully wrenched from her throat, and Spike was positive, then, that'd he'd possess her once more.
Dropping his hands from the door, Spike wasted no time in untying the hospital pants that where around her once again slender waist. Hearing the pants land with a light thump on the floor, Spike brought his hands to the bottom of Faye's shirt, preparing to take it off of her.
But Faye was going to do her best to keep him from winning. She smacked his hands away from her shirt and pushed him off of her. Still in defense mode, she turned around and pulled her door open. Spike was faster, though, and slammed the door shut again. Dragging her from the doorway, he claimed her lips once again as he stopped in the middle of her room.
Not wasting any more time, he stripped her of her shirt, pleased with the dazing look on her face. Kissing her again, making sure to drug her with himself as fast as possible, Spike trailed a hand down from her head to her bare breast, taking one into his warm palm. Smirking at the sound she made, something between pleasure and irritation, Spike none too delicately rolled her flesh and tweaked her hardening peak.
Chancing the recession of his brutal charm, Spike tracked fiery kisses from her mouth down to the neglected nipple on the other side. Lavishing teeth-born suckles upon her, he felt Faye's knees weaken. In the very back, almost barren place in his mind, Spike wondered if he was going about things all wrong. Was he being too rough? Was he pushing her too soon? Was he pushing himself too soon? But when Faye's fingers lodged almost painfully in his hair, Spike was brought back to this reality, and continued on his way.
Sinking down to his knees, Spike pulled back his attack on her body and placed soft kisses on the scar now marring her stomach. Stopping momentarily, he rested his head on her empty belly, and felt tears prick his eyes as he began to forget how his baby felt.
"Spike…" Faye breathed, her voice a mix of passion, concern, and waning anger.
Pushing away from her and standing, Spike turned his back to her. He ran a hand through his hair and sighed. What was he doing? This was definitely no way to treat the woman behind him, but if he tried, he could still find justification in his actions. He heard her moving behind him, but made no move to acknowledge her. He tensed slightly as her hands moved around his chest, the feel of her bare upper body against his back easing him in familiarity.
"You know I didn't mean it, Spike," she said just above a whisper. "I…I'm just frustrated and upset, and I think I'm still ruled by emotions, and not the other way around."
Not making an effort to face to her, but not pulling away either, Spike lowered his arms and leaned into her.
"I'm sorry, too," was all he said. He couldn't muster a better apology at the moment, so that's all that he could offer. He hoped it would be enough.
Faye placed a kiss just above his right shoulder, trying to say that she forgave him. Feeling him begin to move, Faye loosened her grip and watched him turn to her. His face had softened significantly, and she could now easily see the pain in his eyes. But she knew he'd never talk about it, at least not now. That was her cowboy's biggest fatal flaw, his inability to talk. As he kissed her though, gently this time, she submitted to him and let the talking slide.
Breaking their lips apart, Spike went to Faye's bed, her hand in his. As he sat on the edge, he removed her panties, the only bit of her clothing left, and kissed the flesh that lay underneath. Her scent, strong with arousal, tickled his noise and piqued his interest. Rising up and switching their places, Spike quickly rid himself of his sweat pants and boxers, glad that he had on so little.
Bending down to kiss her again, Spike lay her on the bed as he crawled over her. Deepening their kiss for the first time that night, Spike easily passed her responsive lips and lazily rolled his tongue against hers. Making good use of his hands, the hands she enjoyed time and time again, he stroked the parts of her flesh that always made her squirm.
Taking the well known path down her stomach and further down, Spike had no trouble parting her slender legs and discovering how ready she was. Dipping into her moisture, Spike dragged a long finger up and down her slit. A steady stream of moans and gasps passed her lips when not occupied by his, arousing Spike like always, but pulling at something more.
Bringing both hands up and running them along Faye's arms, Spike secured her wrists above her head as he slowly slid into her. The thought passed his mind about how easily she caved in, but dismissed it as he rocked into her. Something was wrong about the moment, though; something was so very off, but to stop would be to admit that, and Spike wasn't ready for that.
Sounds of pleasure, despite how hollow that sound, still poured from Faye's red-kissed lips, spurring on Spike's movements. No, this wasn't the way things were supposed to be between them. When Spike took her, the whole damn dock was liable to know, but tonight, she was…almost empty. She was simply going through motions, nothing more. But so was he, so who was he to judge.
By now, Spike emitted intermitten grunts of his own, feeling the build-up of tension, an actually looking for release. He just wanted this to be over and done with, and from the vacant expression on her face, so did Faye. He frowned slightly when he noticed that she wasn't looking at him. That was something that they always strove for: eye contact. It made the experience all the more intense. But they obviously didn't want intensity tonight. They obviously didn't now what they wanted at all.
Faye was the first to feel it, and Spike followed her not long after. As their once pleasurable shudders subsided, Spike stayed within her for a few moments more. He couldn't shake the feeling that this would be the last time for a long time that he felt her this way.
Slipping out of her and falling by her side, Spike closed his eyes and listened to her roll away from him. What was happening to them in that moment? Was it really just the loss of a baby that was doing this to them? Maybe they simply weren't supposed to be together. Or maybe…Christ, they didn't know.
Once done with their task, Faye turned from Spike. She pulled the ruffled covers over her body, more than a little self-conscious now about her deflated midsection. What she had felt tonight wasn't Spike, it wasn't the man she loved. But then again, she wasn't Faye at the moment, she wasn't the woman he loved. In such a swift, tragic moment, her life had changed, and so had his. The way they dealt with that change, however, was drastically different from one to the other.
He wouldn't cry, and she wouldn't scream. It was the deal that they had just struck in that carnal act of personal damnation. Holding back tears and realizing that they were losing each other, Faye prayed hard for Spike to leave. When he didn't, she thanked God that he stayed.
see? not so sexy, right? well, who knows what gonna happen next. only time will tell. so for now, thanks for stopping by!
phoenix
