Hey guys! I'm SO sorry this update has taken so long, but first I got grounded, then I was on a kind of finale high for awhile, and plus, this chapter has been really hard to right. This is that last one that sort of sets up the storyline I've been aiming for this whole time, but getting enough stuff in to set it all up has been hard. Anyway, I think it turned out okay, and everything's going to start picking up the pace now, both the story and the updates (if you review of course, which you've all been great about so far). Anyway, hope you enjoy this! Hope to have the next chapter up by tomorrow.

Meredith

Meredith had her face pressed into her arms, tears that earlier wouldn't seem to come now streaming endlessly down her face. She feels her whole body wracking with hard sobs.

The door opens and Christina, who was on her way to check on Derek when Meredith ducked inside, stands there staring. Her eyes widen instantly and she wonders for a brief, selfish moment if she can duck out before Meredith sees. Then she thinks how dumb that is, and, knowing that she is not good at this at all, sits down next to her best friend and closes the door.

After an awkward silence, Christina says uncertainly, "You want me to page Izzie?" Meredith manages to shake her head. "Cuz, no offense, but you look like you need a hug and you know this is me." Meredith nods slightly and Christina stares at her in sympathy, a wave of anger hitting her as she thinks of Addison keeping Meredith away from that room. Meredith would be hurting either way, she knows, but it would be easier if she wasn't feeling so distant from all of this. . .

Christina lifts a hand and rests it on Meredith's shoulder, mad at herself for being too awkward to do anything else. But Meredith knows this, and Christina hopes she understands.

Finally, Meredith starts crying enough to speak, her voice coming out in quick bursts of breath, "I heard. . .code blue. . .I thought it was D-Derek. . .and. . ." She stops, shaking her head.

"But it wasn't Derek." Christina's voice is surprisingly soothing. "He's fine. His surgery went fine, and there's no reason why he shouldn't be fine. . ." She knows this is a very unprofessional thing to say, as Derek's doctor. But as Meredith's friend, for once in her life, Christina feels as if she 's said the right thing.

"I just. . .I can't. . .I need to. . .I need to see him." Meredith is bawling, and she feels almost embarrassed, knowing how Christina is about stuff like this.

Christina's anger toward Addison is mounting. "I know you do." She can't think of anything else. "It'll be okay." Her voice is desperate. "Hey, as soon as Addison gets away from his room, I'll page you. Okay?"

Meredith nods again, trying hard to get her voice under control, "Stupid, really. . .me seeing him isn't going to change anything. . ."

"It won't make him better." Christina agrees honestly. "But it'll help you."

Christina's pager goes off, and she looks at Meredith. "Listen, I have to go. I'll page you if Addison leaves, okay?"

Meredith nods. Christina gives her a quick, awkward, one armed hug and leaves the closet.

Meredith feels the sobs building up again and she stifles them. Wiping her face best she can, she stands and leaves the closet and walks down the corridor, lingering for a moment outside Derek's door until Addison stands up from the chair she's in and Meredith heads away, not wanting another confrontation.

She goes through the rest of her day hoping for a page from Christina, but it doesn't come. Clearly Addison isn't leaving.

She goes straight home from the hospital. Her friends are relieved she didn't head straight for Joe's, and Izzie follows her inside the house, clearly hoping to 'talk'.

"Izzie, I'm fine-"

"Christina said you flipped out in a closet."

Meredith rolls her eyes. "I started crying, Izzie. Only Christina would say that was flipping out." She's walking up the stairs and Izzie is still following her.

"Oh. Good point." Izzie still doesn't stop.

Meredith turns around the face her outside her bedroom door. "Listen, Izzie, I appreciate the pity or the support or whatever. . ."

"Meredith, I'm just-"

"I know. But I just. . .I can't. Okay? I can't talk about this, I don't want to. I just want to try to go to sleep and forget about it for awhile."

"Okay."

XXXXXXXXX

But of course, Meredith can't sleep.

What was the last thing she said to him? Oh, right. "You want me out of your life, fine. Get the hell out of mine. Just stay away from me."

She winces. The sane part of her knows he deserved that. Knows he doesn't deserve it.

It doesn't matter, though. If he dies, that's the last thing she would've said to him.

She remembers his voice called her name, telling her to wait. She remembers the way she didn't let herself look back as she stepped off the elevator. The way he looked in the hospital.

Tears pour from her eyes and she barely notices them.

XXXXXXXX

The next day, Meredith is doing rounds when her pager goes off. She glances at it and sees it's Christina.

She runs to the elevator, her heart pounding, riding to the fourth floor. Has Addison left? Or is something wrong?

Christina is waiting for her outside Derek's hospital room. "Go on. Addison went home to get some clothes or something, so I don't know how long you'll have." Meredith starts to go in and Christina grabs her arm. "I was talking to Burke about this morning. You know me, I have to have a scientific basis for everything but Burke. . .Burke's more, like, y'know 'anything is possible' crap." Meredith gives her an impatient look. "Anyway, he says we don't know how much comatose patients are aware of, subconsciously or whatever. And, like, talking to them doesn't hurt, and it could help, and he gave this really long story about some patient who's wife talked to him and he-"

"Christina."

"Right, sorry. Anyway, Burke says talk to him, so I was just. . .passing it on."

"Yeah, okay, thanks, Christina." Meredith gives Christina a quick, grateful smile, then steps inside, closing the door behind her.

Derek looks the same as he did yesterday. Meredith can barely breathe for a moment. She walks closer to him and takes the chair Addison has been occupying for the past day.

"Oh, God. . ." She whispers out loud without realizing it. She reaches up and touches the deep gash across his cheek, her throat tightening painfully. They said he was drinking.

She slips her hand into his. It's somewhat disconcerting, as his is limp, as if lifeless.

She wonders what she can possibly say. She knows none of it will make her feel better. . .she'll never believe he'll hear anything.

So she just sits there, staring at him, the reality slowly and painfully hitting her. The tears start, as she knew they would. "God, Derek. . . I love you." She breathes softly, not even aware she's speaking out loud.

"Please be okay. You cannot die, Derek." She whispers desperately, but it's more for her own sake then his. She just feels so helpless. "I'm sorry." This statement comes out of nowhere; Meredith isn't even sure what she has to be sorry about. For what she said? Maybe. But it had needed saying.

"Meredith, wait. . ."

She remembers the sadness, the desperate tone to his voice as he called after her when she stormed out of the elevator. Sobs choke her. She brings his hand to her lips. She almost expects his eyes to open.

She doesn't know how long she sits there. Christina opens the door and tells her she'd better come on, Addison's back and on her way.

Hesitating, she leans down close to Derek and whispers desperately, "I love you." She turns to Christina, who's looking at her sadly, and they leave the room.

In the next two days, Meredith visits Derek maybe four times, all painfully short. Then, late at night after Izzie and George and Alex have left the hospital, Christina finds Meredith in the basement (I don't remember what this area is called, the one they're always sitting in during the pilot and on after that, with the snack machines and stuff), lying on one of the unused stretchers.

"Mer, a patient of Addison's needed an emergency C-section, and wanted her to do it. Addison's not in his room now, if you want to-"

Meredith is on her feet before Christina has finished speaking and she goes up to Derek's room and takes her usual chair.

She needs to be in there, needs to be near him, see that he still has a heartbeat. She woke up last night in tears, thinking he was dead, and needed to call the hospital to make sure he was okay.

Meredith puts her hand in his. The last two days have been hell. Her friends are worried about her. She can't eat, she can't stop crying, and she's woken up screaming two nights in a row.

She wishes to go back a few days, before he was hurt, and she would have stopped blaming him. He was just trying to do what he thought was right, and no matter how much it hurt. . .God, if he would only live, she would stop blaming him. . .

"I'm so sorry." She says this a lot. It's stupid, really. . .he did lie, after all. But all that seems unimportant now. "I love you." She says this a lot, too. Probably just as stupid, and even more pointless.

She remembers what Burke told Christina about talking to coma patients, how no one knows how much they understand. She thinks of the regret in Derek's eyes over the past few weeks when he tries to apologize.

"It's okay, Derek. You just live, and none of the rest of it matters." If only she could know if he understood.

Later, she's lying there, feeling helpless and afraid, watching him intently for some sign of movement when Christina comes in. "Mer? Addison's out of surgery."

"Thanks." Meredith's voice is hoarse from all the crying and talking. She takes her hand out of Derek's but doesn't move. She grips the bed sheets for a moment, always terrified when she leaves him that it will be the last time she sees him.

Suddenly, his fingers move over on top of her hand, which is lying next to his on the bed.

Meredith lets out a cry of surprise. Recovering, she moves close to him, her heart pounding painfully. "Derek?"

His eyelids flutter and a small moan escapes from his lips.

"Derek. . ." She's shaking and her eyes have filled with tears. "Derek, come on, open your eyes. . ."

He does. His eyes dart around the room, looking lost and confused, than settle on her. "Mer. . .Meredith. . ."

She slips her hand into his, squeezing it gently, her face wet with tears but smiling. She forgets everything he's done over the past few weeks; at that moment, none of it matters.

"Yeah, I'm here. . .you're okay now. . ."

His voice is hoarse and raspy. "I. . .it was a car crash?"

She nods, her throat too tight to speak.

"Sorry, Mer. . .I was being. . .stupid. . .really stupid. . ." He closes his eyes again, groaning slightly in pain.

"It's okay." She whispers. "But drinking will do that to you."

"Not just. . .car crash. . ." He mumbles. "Everything. . ."

She puts her hand on his face. "I know."

"What are you doing-" The voice stops. Meredith turns. Addison. "Derek!"

Christina runs up to the doorway in time to hear that. "He's awake?"

"Go." Addison says quickly to Meredith, taking her place next to Derek. "Derek. . .thank God you're okay."

Meredith moves out into the hallway and Christina follows. Meredith leans against the wall and closes her eyes. "He's okay. . ." she says weakly.

"He is." Christina's smiling. "Well, I gotta go be his doctor now."

"Okay." She pauses. "Hey, Christina. . .you think I'm still not allowed to. . .be in there?"

"C'mon Mer, Addison was the only one stopping you. Derek will want to see you."

"Yeah?" She smiles nervously. " I need to talk to him, I just. . .I have to."

Christina's smile wavers. "Meredith, I know. . .I know you were really scared that he was going to die and you're just glad he's, like, alive. But. . ." Meredith's smile fades slightly and is replaced by a quizzical look and Christina hesitates.

"But what?"

"Just. . .almost dying doesn't get him a pass. Don't forget what he did. What's he's been doing."

Meredith is quiet for a moment. Then, "I know. It's just that. . .all that doesn't seem important."

Christina meets her gaze. "And don't forget that he has a wife. He still has a wife."

Meredith nods impatiently. Christina can see from the expression on her face that she doesn't want to hear this, not now.

Christina nods back and walks into Derek's room.

Meredith stays outside his room, trying to focus on the fact that Derek is alive. He's alive, he's going to be fine. But Christina's words repeat themselves somewhere in the back of her mind.