I know, insanely cruel amount of time since the last update. I appreciate everyone who reviewed, and everyone who is still reading this. IN my defense I got grounded (This happens a lot, really) and then exams came up…but school's out and I have a lot of time, and a lot of Grey's Anatomy withdrawal. So I"ll be updating this one more. I also added the next chapter of my post-finale fic Polaris like yesterday I think. So check that out. As always reviews (especially long ones, but I'm not picky, lol) will get this updated faster. And this chapter is kind of short, but I needed this conversation to happen. Everything else has kind of built up to it. SO keep reading.
As usual, I don't own Grey's. I also don't own the lyrics to "Goodbye to You" by Michelle Branch, which I use later on.
Meredith
Meredith opens the door to the locker room, seething. She's trying to imagine it. Derek waking up from the coma. Imagining Addison telling him that she never came to see him, never wanted to. Her fists clench involuntarily. Imagining him saying, "Oh." Not questioning it.
Her eyes burn with angry tears. She kicks someone's abandoned coat on the floor and falls onto the bench.
Christina comes into the locker room, wearing an uncertain expression. "You okay?"
Meredith laughs humorlessly. "Fantastic." She looks at Christina. "How could he believe her?"
"He was confused. She probably told him all that while he was groggy and sedated." Christina attempts a smile.
"I was there when he woke up, Christina! He talked to me."
"Sometimes coma patients are unclear about what happened when they first woke up…you know that." She sighs. "I'm not saying it's okay, Meredith. He should have known better. But you have to get the circumstances."
Meredith gives her an incredulous look. "Hi, I'm Meredith, but I don't believe we've met. You are…?" She sticks out her hand, but Christina shoves it away, rolling her eyes.
"Meredith, seriously, what have I told you about using sarcasm? It's not for everyone. Besides, that didn't make sense."
"It made perfect sense. Since when do you stick up for Derek? You were the one telling me earlier that almost dying doesn't get him a pass."
Christina looks at her pityingly, speaking with a patronizing air as though talking to someone extremely dim. "A pass for the things he did before the car accident. Afterwards…I mean, he had brain damage, he didn't know what he was saying…I don't know, okay? But it does make sense. If you're pissed off, go yell at him. Go find out what the hell he was thinking." Meredith looks at her blankly. "Just go."
Meredith is quiet for a moment, then she stands. "Screw this passive crap. I'm going to find out what the hell he was thinking."
"Brilliant idea." Christina rolls her eyes.
Meredith leaves the locker room and heads to the fourth floor. She's made the trip countless times in the past few days. In her head, she rehearses everything she's going to say to him. Not even give him a chance to speak.
She reaches the door to his hospital room and throws it open. Simultaneously, an announcement comes on the loudspeaker. "Code Blue, fourth floor. Code Blue, fourth floor."
Meredith freezes, flashing back to the time a few days ago when that announcement could have meant Derek. When she'd freaked out.
He looks up from his hospital bed and stares at her, and she looks back, all the words she'd prepared drained from her. She suddenly remembers the pure terror of the past few days and she stares at him, blinking at her in surprise.
Suddenly, the anger is gone and she's fighting tears.
How crazy is she?
So she stands in the doorway, blinking tears back, her mouth twisting as she keeps back sobs.
Derek looks a little startled, but he pushes forward anyway. "Meredith, listen I am so-"
"Don't." She manages to get the word out. "You don't have to, okay? I know you're sorry, and it…it doesn't matter."
"Okay." He says softly. "But I am."
She nods, then says, her voice cracking, "I thought you were gonna die…"
Derek
He stares at her, hovering in the doorway, obviously trying not to cry. His heart is melting for her, and suddenly he hates himself even more for the way he's been acting. For hurting her.
"Come here."
She nods, and walks closer to the bed, hesitating slightly before sitting down on the edge. He slips his hand into hers. Tears escape from her eyes and slide down her face.
"You know, you are not easy to hate." She tells him, impatiently brushing at her cheeks. "As soon as I get okay at it you go and do something like get in a car crash…or, I don't know, you just…." She looks down, away from his face.
"Sorry about that. I guess I'm just too loveable, huh?" She makes a noise that sounds like half-laugh, half-sob, and he gently brushes the tears from her face. His voice is serious now. "I'm okay, now. I'm going to be fine."
She nods. "Yeah."
He pulls her down so she's lying on his chest. He strokes her hair, and she cries into the thin hospital gown.
Meredith
So much for telling him off.
She feels his arms around her, his hands gently stroking her hair, and she can't stop crying: big, baby sobs that make her feel about four years old.
But he's alive. And that's all she cares about. She feels as if the reality that he almost wasn't has just now hit.
She lies there for awhile, and he holds her, letting her cry. When her sobs have subsided, he speaks softly. "Mer…we should talk. I think I made a mistake."
She raises her face to look at him. Her heart is pounding, but she pretends she doesn't know what he means. "When?"
"When I picked Addison." She searches his face. He's dead serious.
"Derek…" Shit. He's going to make this hard on her.
"No, I'm serious. I'm in love with you. How could that not be enough?" He's smiling uncertainly at her, as if he doesn't understand why she's not ecstatic.
"Damn it, Derek…." Now he decides this?
"What!" He's generally mystified.
She forces herself to meet his eyes. "You can't just…you can't just go back like that. You made your choice-"
"I made a mistake!"
"No, you didn't!" He stares at her in surprise. If he only had any idea how much she hated to say this… "Derek, you did not make a mistake. You picked her for a reason, and you've just had…you've just had a pretty traumatic experience. You have to think this through."
"Meredith, I don't need to-"
"You cannot do this to me, okay? Not again, Derek, because I can't take it anymore." She pulls back from him and stands up.
"What the hell, Meredith? I'm saying I…I wish I'd picked you."
"No you don't." Her voice is quiet. "Because…look, I didn't want to understand why you chose Addison. I wanted to hate you for it, and I wanted to sit around and bitch about you made the wrong choice, because I tried not to understand…but I do. You're not the kind of guy who could just walk away from a marriage without even trying to make it work."
"Maybe I should be." His voice is stubborn.
Her eyes soften. "No, you shouldn't. You wouldn't be you if you weren't the kind of person who's trying to make it work."
Of all the things I've believed in
I just want to get it over with
He fixes the opposite wall with a hard glare. "What's so bad about that? Not being me, I mean? Clearly, I'm an ass. Clearly I'm an idiot, what with the whole drinking and driving crap. I would think I'd want to be as un-me as I can get."
She slips his hand into hers, and he turns his eyes to look at her. "I love you." She tells him simply. "Even with all the idiocy and being an ass." She tries to smile, the kind of smile that hurts her face to hold. Her eyes glisten with tears, but she wills herself not to start crying, not again, because then she won't be able to hold out against him.
Tears form behind my eyes
But I do not cry
Counting the days that past me by
"Thanks." His voice is as quiet as hers. He's quiet for a moment, then shakes his head. "You don't understand, Mer. I didn't either, at first…I thought I could move on, but now…I know I won't. Even if I forgive her, get past the adultery thing…she won't be enough for me. She's not you."
"Give it time." Her voice is forced. She wants so much to agree with him, forget everything that ever interrupted them and pick up right where they left off.
"Fuck time!" His voice is louder now. "That's not going to make this go away. Meredith…I want you not Addison!"
I've been searching deep down in my soul
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old
"You're too late, Derek! You are too damn late!" She's getting upset now. This is torture. "Where was all of this a couple weeks ago when I gave you that whole stupid speech? We can't go back and pretend it never happened!"
Feels like I'm starting all over again
The last three years were just pretend
And I said
"We don't have to, Meredith! We can just move on from it!"
"No. You'll always wonder what would have happened if you'd tried with her. You'll always feel guilty for just giving up on a marriage! I don't want that. I want you to be sure about us! I don't want it to be something you realized after a car crash because you feel guilty or scared or whatever it is that's making you do this." She takes a long, shaky breath. "You have to take the time to try with Addison. You chose to."
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
He pulls her close again, trying to force her to keep eye contact, but she's fighting it. "You don't have to be so noble, Meredith."
"I'm not." There's anger in his eyes, and in his voice, and she hates that. He can't see how much this is killing her. "I don't want you if you're not sure." Anticipating his next comment, she rushes on. "And you're not. If you hadn't chosen her first…" The rest of her sentence hangs in the air, and Meredith presses her lips together and closes her eyes. There are a lot of 'ifs' here.
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
His voice is quiet. "You know I almost died today? I came like this close." He slips his hand into hers and squeezes. "How would you feel if I died, and you didn't get a chance to go out with me?" His mouth is smiling as he repeats the line he gave her so long ago (not really so long, but damn, it feels like another lifetime), but his eyes are clouded with sadness.
"Stop." She begs him, pulling back slightly. "Just stop, Derek, please, I can't take this…" If he keeps looking at her like that, talking like that…she'll become too weak.
I used to get lost in your eyes
And it seems that I can't live a day without you
Derek
She's crying again, different from before. Before he knew it was because she was relieved he was okay, knew she was just emotional over everything….this is different. Worse somehow. The tears just roll quietly down her face and Meredith doesn't appear to notice them. Her eyes are broken. Her voice pleading. He hates seeing her like this.
Closing my eyes
And you chase my thoughts away
But a part of him can't understand this. She goes on about how he needs to try at his marriage, and he knows this is probably true, but why won't she just listen to him when he says it's not going to work out? He has no intention of falling OUT of love with Meredith….he doubts he could even if he wanted to.
"Mer, I know you think I'm going to regret it…I won't. These past few weeks with Addison…they've been hell. We fight all the time, I can't stop thinking about you…."
To a place where I am blinded by the light
And it's not right
"Stop!" She says again, her voice more forceful this time.
"Stop what!"
"Stop making this harder than it already is! I already told you that it's too late for us now! You made a choice to try with Addison, you have to do it! You had your chance, Derek. You picked her for a reason, and even if you can't see it right now…" Her voice cracks. "You are the type of guy who's going to try to make it work. Even if you don't want to be, and even if I wish you weren't."
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I love
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
He starts to protest more, but he can see the pain in her eyes and he just nods, a lump forming in his throat. "What…what if I'm right? What if I'm right and I can never get past it?"
She's silent for a moment, just looking at him. Then, finally, "I don't know."
And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time
I want what's yours and I want what's mine
He squeezes his eyes shut for a minute. "Don't say I didn't try."
"I know."
He takes her hand and pulls her close to him, and she doesn't resist. He kisses her, long and soft. "I do love you, Meredith."
I want you
But I'm not giving in this time
Her own I love you, too gets stuck in her throat. She nods, her voice barely a whisper, "I know. But right now…it's not enough." She turns to leave his room, then turns. "I'm glad you didn't die, Derek." She closes the door behind her.
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to.
