Thanks for all the reviews, guys! As always, you're all awesome.
This chapter was interesting for me to write. I wanted to take a break from the angst at the beginning, but not necessarily have any 'romantic' fluff, because that doesn't suit the story at this point. I just wanted to write some fun scenes. So movie night came into play. And it kind of got longer than I intended. I had fun writing it. But of course, I brought it back to the drama, because I LOVE drama. There was a certain amount of drama I wanted to get in before the 'cliffhanger' but the movie scene got so long that I'm holding off on the cliffhanger until the next chapter, which I'll be posting tomorrow, depending of course, on the reviews I get. Hope you like this chapter, although its not terribly eventful, it all leads up to tomorrows stuff.
"Wanna watch a movie?"
"No."
"Come on."
"No."
Meredith's 'no's are monotonous, dull and exhausted. It's nearly ten. She'd just had the fight with Derek earlier that day. Her door is closed, which was supposed to indicate a request for privacy.
No such luck.
Izzie knocks again, as though this might change her mind. "It'll be fun. We'll make popcorn."
"No."
George's voice joined her."Come on, Mer, don't you want to have fun with us?"
"No."
Izzie again. "You need to relax. It's been a stressful few days."
"No."
The pounding on her door gets louder. Then it's Christina's voice, yelling. "Meredith, they called me and made me come over. They're making me watch a CHICK flick. You WILL get your ass down here and have a FUN MOVIE NIGHT."
"No."
The voices are muffled now. Christina says something about a hairpin. A few seconds later, her door flies open. Christina holds up a pin triumphantly. "Picked the lock. Nice try."
Meredith, who was laying flat on her back in bed, lifts her head slightly to look at Christina. "I'm not in the mood."
Chritina spends a few moments studying her friend, then turns to George and Izzie, who are standing uncertainly in the hallway. "Give me a minute. Go make the popcorn. And call Alex. If I have to do this so does he."
They nod and hurry off. Christina closes the door behind her. "What is it?" There's a weariness in her voice that no one but Meredith could have detected. The last part of her sentence seems to hang in the air, unspoken: What is it THIS TIME?
"Don't bother. It's nothing."
"Still pissed at Derek?"
"No."
"Then what? What happened when you talked?"
"Nothing. I told him it was okay. What he'd done. We're fine."
"Meredith, you can't lie to me. So you're wasting our time trying. You've been crying." This is delivered in a bored, matter-of-fact voice.
"Okay, something happened. I don't want to talk about it. Fair enough?"
"Fine. But I'm either staying here until you tell me, or you're coming down to be tortured with Bambi and Tinker Bell's little movie night."
Meredith pauses, weighing the options. Then she sighs and stands up from her bed. "What movie?"
"Don't know, but you can bet it'll suck."
Downstairs. Izzie is apparently giddy with excitement that Meredith has decided to join them. "Awesome, this'll be so much fun! We could make it a regular thing, you know, movie night!"
Christina smiles falsely at Izzie, but when Izzie turns she holds her fingers to her head like a gun. "Pow."
The doorbell rings and Meredith opens it to see Alex. "Hey." She says glumly.
"Back at ya. You seem cheery."
"Oh, you noticed." She rolls her eyes and they return to the living room, where Izzie and George are laying out bowls of popcorn.
"Hey, Alex."
He's looking suspiciously at the stacks of DVDs on the television. "What's going on? I thought we were watching Meredith's moms surgery tapes?"
Christina smirks at him. "Even better, Evil Spawn. Welcome to the first annual Izzie Stevens 'movie night'."
"The first of many." Izzie adds with a grin.
"Movie night?" Alex winces. Izzie pulls him by the arm into the kitchen for a moment. Seconds later, they emerge with drinks and Alex's pained look is off his face.
George shoves a popcorn bowl at Meredith. "See, this'll be fun, right? I even let Izzie pick out chick flicks."
Alex groans loudly, and Meredith raises her eyebrows. "You LET her? You probably like chick flicks more than me."
Alex and Christina snicker quietly and George reddens. "Well, there's no need to stereotype..."
"Whatever, Bambi." Alex is pulling his shoes off as he falls onto the couch. "Excellent, so we're going to have a little sob fest going on?"
"Speak for yourself." Meredith sits next to him. "I don't cry in movies."
Christina laughs. "Neither do I."
Alex grabs a box of tissue from the coffee table and tosses it to George. "You can hang on to these then."
"Shut up."
"Yeah, Alex." Izzie glares at him. "I admire a guy who's not afraid to cry."
Alex's grin fades at this and he scowls. Christina makes retching noises, and George yells indignantly, "I do NOT cry in movies."
"Whatever." Izzie studies the pile of DVDs. "So we've got all the classic chick flicks. What you guys want to watch first?"
"I don't know 'classic' chick flicks." Alex tells her. "I need titles."
"Um, okay...Say Anything?"
"No." Meredith says quickly. Hold a radio over my head outside your window...she winces at the memory of the speech to Derek. No reminders.
"Okay, um, When Harry Met Sally?"
"Is that the one with the orgasm?" Alex asks seriously.
Izzie stares at him. "It's the one about the two friends who fall in love." He raises his eyebrows at her and smiles slightly; she reddens. "No." She rifles through the DVDs. "Sleepless in Seattle."
"No." This is Christina.
"Terms of Endearment?"
"Damn, Izzie."
"The Notebook."
"Sure, then afterwards we could all go jump in front of cars."
"Would you two SHUT UP?"
Christina and Alex are in hysterics. Meredith sighs, bored. She doesn't want to watch a chick flick. She doesn't want to see happy endings. She'll just sit there and think fake fake fake.
Alex looks at Izzie seriously. "Are there any good ones in there?"
She stares at him in exasperation. "What's your idea of a 'good' movie, Alex?"
He considers. "Fight Club."
"Ugh. All about the macho, survival crap, aren't you?"
"Have you even seen it?"
"Parts. Its about guys fighting, right?"
"Very perceptive."
"Look, Alex, this isn't about you, okay?" She looks at him very pointedly. Alex sighs, and George and Izzie exchange looks.
Meredith watches them. "Who's it about, Izzie?" Izzie looks at her, embarrassed. "Izzie."
"Okay, look...George and I just thought we should have some sort of fun night to get your mind off everything...I mean, with Derek almost dying and everything. We thought it would be nice if we could all just hang out and...forget it for awhile."
Meredith looks at her, trying to be annoyed, but unable to. "Thanks, Izzie, but...I'm really okay."
Izzie looks doubtful. "It'll still be fun, right?" Meredith glances around; George is watching her anxiously, and even Christina and Alex seem to want her to say yes.
She forces a smile. "Yeah. Thanks you guys...that's really nice."
Izzie goes up to the DVDs remaining. "Okay, I'm just going to pick one at random. No arguments. This is the final choice." She closes her eyes and grabs one from the middle of the pile. "Oh, good, My Best Friends Wedding."
"I've never seen it." Meredith tells her.
"I have." Christina says quietly. She's trying to convey a message to Izzie with her eyes, but Izzie seems oblivious. She's studying the DVD fondly.
"I just love Julia Roberts, don't you guys? And this movie makes me cry, which is a little weird, but it does."
"You'll be the only one." Meredith says with a smile, turning off the lights as Izzie starts the DVD player. She's determined to enjoy herself. Maybe a movie is a good idea. It was a sweet thought anyway. Meredith isn't above being sentimental when it comes to her friends…more like her family, really. George and Izzie obviously have great faith in the idea, and even Christina put aside her 'chick flick, bonding time' prejudices to come over. True, Alex didn't know what he was in for, but Izzie had obviously told him in the kitchen and he hadn't left. No reason to tell any of them what happened with Derek that afternoon.
Keeping up the cheery tone, she says, "I've never cried in a movie. My friends in high school used to make fun of me for it...we'd go to the movies and they'd be bawling and I was just kind of bored..."
Christina
Christina is glaring at Izzie as she takes a seat in the recliner, George stretched out by her feet. Alex, Meredith, and Christina sit on the couch, but Christina leans forward. "Izzie, are you insane?" She hisses.
"Why?"
"This movie."
Izzie rolls her eyes and lowers her voice to a whisper. "I know its not necessarily your kind of movie, Christina, but it's funny at some parts, too."
"I know. I've seen it. But don't you think-"
"Then you shouldn't mind it too much. There's not a happy ending, you should enjoy that, right?" She smirks at her then leans back.
"Izzie!"
"Sssshhhh!" George hisses, pressing the play button on the DVD remote.
Christina leans back on the couch and sighs. Yes, she knows about the ending. The not happy ending. The ending where the main character begs the guy she loves to pick her, instead of his wife. Well, fiancée, but she's his wife by the end.
She knows. Meredith doesn't. Izzie's apparently forgotten.
Christina sighs. If it wasn't Meredith, she would laugh at the irony; they had started this whole thing to make her forget Derek and the whole situation.
Great job!
Meredith
She's enjoying the movie. She's able to become engaged in something besides herself and Derek.
Julianne, Julia Roberts character, is on a mission to stop her best friend's marriage to the annoyingly perfect Kimmy, having realized that she herself loves him. This isn't Meredith's story, or anything like it.
At first.
And suddenly it is.
Not in a huge way. There's a scene, one of the ones that makes Izzie go 'awwww' and get teary. Julianne misses the perfect opportunity to tell Michael she loves him.
And suddenly Meredith can't keep back the tears.
Not because of what is being said as where it's being said.
They're on a ferryboat. Dancing.
A fucking ferryboat.
Talking about taking the moment to tell someone you love them and saying it. Talking about not letting the moment pass them by.
On a ferryboat.
Shit.
Meredith sits there, staring straight ahead at the screen, tears rolling silently down her cheeks, and she's pulled back to the hospital room, with Derek. She knows she did the right thing. But its killing her.
Everything she'd wanted the past few weeks? She's wanted him to have picker her, not Addison. Then, there they were, and he said it: I made a mistake. I want you, not Addison..
And she turned him down.
She did the right thing. But Meredith knows that sometime, in the future, when he and Addison are happy again, she'll be suffering. And she'll be hating herself for not taking her chance.
She stares at the screen. The ferryboat. Julianne missing her chance.
Stupid movie night.
Christina
She's watching Meredith out of the corner of her eye. George and Izzie are completely wrapped up in the movie. So is Alex, though he keeps pretending to shift restlessly or sigh loudly.
She's the only one noticing Meredith. This isn't even the part she would have thought would get her. This isn't the part where the connection comes in.
But then she remembers something. A snippet of something Meredith said to her about a month ago. While jogging.
You know what's ruined for me? Ferryboats. I used to love ferryboats. And Derek's got a thing for them. Now every time I see a freakin ferryboat…
Right. Ferryboats.
There's probably more to it. Something to do with what happened that afternoon. Christina sighs. This is why chick flicks are a bad idea for people in romantic misery. They can always find some way to connect.
Meredith
The tears stop on their own. Fifteen minutes after the scene, but still. They stop. She had let them fall, not trying to keep them back, barely realizing they were there.
Christina noticed. Not the others though.
She's okay again. Sure her mind is further from the movie. But she's okay. She's calm.
Until.
Izzie announces it to them. "This is the part I cry at…"
Julianne has found Michael. It's his wedding day. They're talking. And she tells him. Meredith is barely paying attention.
Then.
"I'm going to ask you a gigantic favor." Julia Roberts says onscreen. "Choose me. Marry me. Let me make you happy."
Pick me. Choose me. Love me.
Meredith stares at the screen in horror.
She's not the only one.
Izzie is staring at it in horror, too, realizing. She's not crying at it this time. Every one of them knows about Meredith's speech. She'd repeated it to them the night of the train accident, when she was a drunken mess, and mocking herself for what she regarded as a pathetic attempt at begging.
Izzie looks at Christina, who fixes her with a withering look, plainly saying, "I told you so."
Onscreen, Michael runs away from her. After his fiancée.
Well, Meredith thinks dimly, it's accurate at least.
Everyone is staring at her now. She grabs the remote and stops the movie.
"Great idea. I feel much better now." She stands, calmly, and walks upstairs. The others listen quietly until the door slams.
Christina
"Nice job, Izzie." This is Alex.
"I forgot." Izzie says quietly.
"So this was a bust, huh?" George shoves the last few pieces of popcorn into his mouth and sits up.
"If we could have watched the other ones I suggested…"
"Hey, you knew what was in it!"
Christina stands, leaving Alex and Izzie to argue. "I'll go talk to her."
They keep fighting.
Christina starts to get the hairpin out again when she gets to Meredith's room, but realizes the door isn't locked. Meredith clearly anticipated being followed.
Christina enters the room, seeing Meredith sitting on her bed, expressionless.
"He said he made a mistake."
"Huh?"
"Earlier, at the hospital. He said he made a mistake picking Addison. He wanted me back."
Christina stares at her, shocked. "So why didn't you…."
"Go running back into his arms like nothing happened?"
"Oh, right. I see your point. Not very self-respecting."
Meredith shakes her head, making a face. "Like I care about self respect. It's not that. It's just…I can't pretend like he didn't pick her. He did it for a reason. He's the kind of guy who can't just not try to fix his marriage. I don't want him because he made the decision during a bad time in his life, and I don't want him if he's going to always be guilty about his marriage." All of this sounds very rehearsed, even to Meredith.
"Well…that makes sense." Christina puts in helpfully.
"I know. It makes sense to my brain. I know it's the right thing to do but…I'm going to regret it. Sometime in a couple months, when he's happy with Addison, and I'm not going to be over him…I regret it. I missed my chance."
Christina looks at her sadly, knowing that must have been a bad situation for Meredith.
"I don't know what to do."
Derek
Addison sticks her head in the door. Meredith left four hours ago. Since then, he's been poked and prodded by different doctors. Bailey's been by. Burke. Chief.
He hasn't heard a word they said.
Addison looks hesitant. "Is it safe to come in?"
He nods, too tired to protest. Too tired to fight in more.
He's giving in. Meredith practically told him to.
"We past that little…er… 'episode'?"
For a second he doesn't even know what she's talking about. Everything about today seemed to start and stop with Meredith's visit.
Oh, right. That was much earlier today, right after he woke up. When she was lying about how Meredith hadn't cared enough about him to see him. How he'd told her to get out.
Right.
He hasn't even talked to her about the lying yet. About telling Meredith not to come visit him. He wants to. He wants to let her know her little secret's out, that the lie didn't work in the first place.
But why bother? It looks like he's going to have to figure out some way to try this marriage, at least for a little while.
Still, he can't resist bringing it up. "So you told Meredith she couldn't come see me? And to you, that's her 'not caring enough to come?'" There's spite in his voice and he tries to drain it. There's no point.
Addison's face reddens. "Derek, look…"
"Don't bother explaining. It doesn't make any difference." His voice is resigned. "I said I'd try to make this work. I'm going to try."
Addison looks at him uncertainly. "Um, that's good. I think."
"Yeah. I guess."
He's been going over and over his conversation with Meredith. Trying to understand. He thinks he gets it.
What it all comes down to is Doing the Right Thing.
But the right thing sucks. The right thing leaves him miserable, and the woman he loves miserable, and (most likely) his wife miserable.
It's still the right thing.
Vows. Marriage. Divorce papers he hadn't been able to sign. The ring that had stayed in his drawer for all those months. Lies. The phone calls he had ignored for so long. Guilt from being absent. Flannel sheets. New York apartment. Brown bagging on the Empire State Building. Juju. Marriage counseling. Scream fests. All of that is Addison.
Ferryboats. Elevators. Lavender. Rain. Tequila. Breakfast cereal. Surgery highs. Great, romantic-movie type speeches about love and drowning. Love. All that is Meredith.
You would think that the last one on Meredith's list would be enough to cancel out all the other stuff.
You would think.
But that, Derek was realizing, would be Wrong.
There's always Right and there's always Wrong, and it's never as easy or as obvious as you'd like.
"Derek?"
"Hmmm?" He mutters distractedly.
"Are we…are we really trying? We're going to be honest with each other? We're going to do the counseling, and we're going to try to stop fighting."
"We're really trying." His voice gives away his lack of excitement.
Meredith
Christina has left, and so has Alex. Izzie and George have tried to talk, but she's ignored them. They're in bed now.
She can't sleep.
Creeping downstairs, quietly as she can, she goes for the fridge.
No tequila. No alcohol of any kind.
She curses silently, remembering how Izzie poured out that bottle at Meredith's consent. That was only about a week ago.
Everything's changed since then, in a way. A lot happened. Meredith changed her mind about Derek about a million times since the accident.
Yet she's right back where she was.
She goes back upstairs, ducks into the bathroom and turns on the light. For a moment, she feels like being sick, but it's a false alarm. Instead, she stares bleary eyed at her reflection.
Bits and pieces of things Derek said to her or things she said to him or things said in the movie or things she said to Christina…they all flash through her mind.
You don't have to be so noble, Meredith.
Noble. Right. As if she was ever noble.
I want you, not Addison.
Why? Why would anyone in their right mind want her? She's selfish, she's weak, she's a coward.
She stares at herself in the mirror.
I missed my chance.
I'm going to regret it.
She hates herself the more she thinks about it. Hates her reflection.
She slams the side of her left fist into the mirror. There's a thud, followed by the clinking of broken glass dropping onto the sink or into the floor.
Blood oozes from the cut on her hand. She watches it flow down onto her wrist. She hears footsteps thundering down the hall. Voices.
She stares at the cut, at the drops of blood flowing down to her wrist, soaking the sleeve of the Dartmouth shirt Derek liked so much, the one with the holes in the back he used to tease her about.
It's a pretty deep cut.
"Meredith! Meredith, are you okay?" Someone rattles the doorknob.
It should probably be hurting.
"Meredith!"
But she doesn't feel anything.
