So this is another long chapter. Thanks for all the reviews for the last one, they were great! I love that you guys are reading this. Also, I kind of forgot to bring the disk that had Polaris on our vacation with me, so there hasn't been an update on that in awhile, but I'm definitely planning one in the next day or two.
Also, my apologies for the way chapter ten was half of the same thing as chapter nine. I was making new documents off a disc and I guess I got careless with chapter division. Anyway, sorry to be confusing.
And to whoever said that I kind of rushed the Mark/Meredith thing, I reread the stuff, and I think I agree with you…but my whole point of dong the Mark/Meredith thing wasn't for a central plot…it was to be the last straw the push Meredith to transferring (as in, the way Derek couldn't look at her the same way) and also to be used with the Addiosn/Derek storyline a bit in the next two chapters.
Reviews are always greatly appreciated! Obviously I don't own Grey's Anatomy (I would probably bend the whole summer hiatus rule…this is kind of torture, IMO) and I also don't own the James Blunt lyrics to Goodbye My Lover used in the chapter.
Chapter Eleven
Meredith
She's crying when she gets to the locker room. Her friends are waiting there, even though most of them finished for the day already…even Christina's there.
Her flight is at midnight. She needs to leave for the airport straight from the hospital.
"Thanks for sticking around, you guys."
"Whatever." This is Christina. "I have surgery in half an hour anyway."
Meredith wants desperately to say something to her. This is really how Christina wants to leave it? But the arrogant part of her keeps her quiet. If Christina wants to act like a kid, let her.
"You okay, Mer?" Izzie asks.
"Not really…I just saw Derek."
"Oh." She understands.
"I hate to say this guys but…I kind of have to go."
Izzie hugs her first, and they're both crying. "Call as soon as you get there, okay?"
"I will."
"You sure you don't want us to take you to the airport?"
"Oh, no, God no…I couldn't handle it if you guys were there…"
George hugs her next. "I'm gonna miss living with you."
"I know, me too. But I'll visit."
"Yeah."
Alex hugs her. "Take care of yourself, okay?"
When they're done, she glances at Christina. The others watch expectantly. Christina won't look at her. "See you around."
"Right." Meredith's throat is tight.
"You're making a mistake."
"Maybe."
Christina nods. "Okay, bye then."
Meredith waits. When Christina doesn't say anything else, she adds, "Yeah bye." Then turns to the others, her voice unsteady. "I'm going to miss you guys…I love you…"
She turns and goes.
Dr. Bailey is in the hallway waiting for her. "You ready?"
Meredith wipes her face. "No. Christina's still not talking to me, and the one person I really need to say goodbye I can't, because he can't know I'm leaving. But other than that…yeah, I'm ready."
Bailey nods. "I just wanted to tell you that I hope things work out for you. You're a damn good surgeon, Meredith. We're sorry to see you go. If you change your mind…"
Meredith stares at the ground. "Do you think I'm making a mistake?"
"I have no way of knowing that. I don't know how it feels for you to walk around here with him, and I don't know what you're going to feel like when you're away from it all."
"Yeah, well…I don't know either. The last one, I mean."
Bailey half-smiles at her. "I know you don't. That's what you have to figure it out." She clears her throat. "Don't be a stranger, now."
Meredith, without even thinking about it, gives Bailey a quick hug. "Thank you. For everything."
Bailey looks at her, surprised at first, then she just nods. "Bye, Meredith."
Christina
As soon as Meredith leaves, Izzie whirls on her. "That's it? That's how you're leaving it?"
"Yeah, you have a problem?"
"You are unbelievable."
Izzie's practically crying, George is sitting on the bench with his head in his hands, and Alex is sitting next to him, glaring at Christina.
She stands up. "I don't need this shit…I have a surgery to go to…" She stomps out.
Derek
He's waiting by her car in the parking lot when she gets out of the building.
She notices him when she's halfway across the parking lot, and she stops, looking around desperately as though looking for an escape, seeing none, and walks hurriedly to the car, speaking before he gets a chance to.
"Derek, I have to go-"
He steps in front of the door on the drivers side of the car, knowing he's being annoying but not caring. "Tell me what's wrong?."
She's not looking at him. "Why are you so sure something's wrong?"
"I know you."
"Look, I…" He can tell she's trying too hard to keep her voice casual. "I'm having a rough day, okay?" She meets his eyes finally. "You should go, okay? Addison might see-"
"I don't care." He says bluntly. "I'm just worried-"
"Well, don't be." She snaps.
"I just…" He sighs. "In the scrub room earlier…"
"What, because I hugged you?" Her cheeks flush slightly. "How messed up is that?"
He's confused. "What?"
"That that worried you."
"Not just…come on, Mer, you've been acting upset all day…" He meets her eyes. "You've been crying."
She tries to reach to the door handle and he puts a hand on her arm. "I'm not moving until you tell me what's wrong."
She looks at him helplessly for a moment, then stares at the ground. "Fine. I didn't want you to know this but…" She hesitates. "I applied for a transfer."
Meredith might as well have hauled off and punched him…the shock is the same. "Wha…what?"
"I'm moving, Derek. To Boston."
He feels sick.
"When?"
She winces slightly. "My flights in a few hours."
Did
I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or
let the judges frown?
Protests explode in his mind, persuasions. Try to make a decent, forceful argument…
Instead, he simply gives a quiet, desperate, "No."
Her eyes are pained and she seems to have to make a great effort to meet his. "I have to. I have nothing to stay here for."
Cause I saw the end before we'd begun
Yes, I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won
Me! He's screaming inwardly. "But…but…" Give her a reason. "What about us?"
It's the wrong thing to say, he can tell instantly by the way she closes her eyes tightly, suppressing tears. "There…there is no us, Derek. There's you and Addison, but no us. That's…that's why I'm leaving."
So I took what's mine by eternal right
Took your soul out into the night
He winces. A million thoughts pour into his mind, emotions crashing. Guilt, self-disgust, anger, desperation…
He desperately searches for the right words, something to convince her to stay. Talk her out of it. Beg her. Promise something…
Tears are rolling down her cheeks and she brushes impatiently at them.
"Maybe…maybe there's no us now, but…"
It may be over but it won't stop there
I am here for you if you'd only care
She laughs softly, without an ounce of amusement. "What did you think, Derek? That once you were done trying with Addison we'd move on like it never happened? Happily ever after?"
He flushes. What was so wrong with happily ever after? "Maybe. I mean, I don't know. I just always thought that…we'd get another chance. Remember when I asked you?"
"Asked me what?"
He thinks back to the fight he and Meredith had had in his hospital room after he'd woken up from the coma. "After I told you I made a mistake. I asked you what if I'm right? About not being able to get past it?"
You touched my heart, you touched my soul
You changed my life and all my goals
She nods. "And I said I didn't know."
"But now?"
She hesitates, seeming to search for the words. "I still don't. I just know that I can't stay here."
Love is blind that I knew
When my heart was blinded by you
His mind still on the conversation in the hospital, he tells her, "I told you not to say I didn't try. Try to take back what happened, I mean."
"I know. You tried. But it was too late."
He stares at her, his heart pounding. They sink into silence for a few moments.
Her voice breaks the quiet, soft and shaky. "I really do have to go now, Derek."
Tears prick his eyes. "Mer…please…please don't."
I've kissed your lips and held your head
Shared your dreams and shared your bed
Meredith
The tone of his voice is breaking her heart; the desperate, pleading tone. She's getting lost in his gaze. She wants so much to say, okay, I won't go.
I'll stay with you.
But she can't.
They stand there for awhile, in spite of what she said about having to go. She can't make herself leave him.
After awhile, she looks up. "It's starting to rain." She observes softly.
"So?"
I know you well, I know your smell
I've been addicted to you
He's still standing in her way.
She reaches for the door handle behind his back. "Derek." Her voice cracks.
His expression anguished, he whispers, "What can I do? What can I do to make you stay?"
Goodbye my lover
Goodbye my friend
You have been the one
You have been the one for me
If only anything were that simple.
"Nothing."
I
am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my
dreams you take.
The expression on his face showed that he knew that would be her answer.
"I love you."
And
as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I love you, too. That's in her head.
But her throat is too tight to form the reply. It would sound too weary coming from her lips.
She pulls the handle of the car and it hits him lightly in the back. He still doesn't move, staring at her with a firm look on his face.
I've
seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a
while.
She starts to cry quietly. "Derek, please. Please don't make this harder then it is."
His face softens briefly. She sees his eyes are filled with tears, and she can see the strain of keeping them back. He steps up and she opens the door all the way.
I'd
be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
She hesitates, wondering what she can possibly say. He's staring straight ahead, his lips pressed together. "Bye, Derek."
He glances at her, nodding stiffly.
I
know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now
we're fine,
Say something! She wants to shout.
The rain is falling all around them.
She doesn't want to leave it like this.
But she has to go now.
Besides. There's nothing else to say. Nothing that will make a difference.
And
I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.
She closes the car door, shoves the key in the ignition, and slowly backs out of the parking lot.
She drives home to get her carry on bag and call a cab to go the airport. Her stuff was sent separately. In Boston. Where she now has a new apartment, a new job. A new life.
Maybe.
Goodbye
my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have
been the one for me.
Derek
He watches her taillights disappear down the street and stands in the parking lot, letting the rain soak him.
After awhile, shivering violently, he moves toward the hospital. He needs to change out of his scrubs.
He moves robotically down the hallway, attracting some strange looks but not noticing.
He finds Bailey and Christina on their way to OR 1 and steps in front of them.
Bailey looks at him in surprise. "What happened to you?"
"Why didn't anyone tell me?"
People around turn and stare; his voice was unintentionally violent, trying to mask the sadness choking him.
Bailey keeps her face blank, but the brief look in her eyes gives her away. "What?"
Christina is staring at him.
"About Meredith. Leaving." His voice grows louder. "Why didn't someone tell me?"
"Dr. Shepard, calm down-"
"Don't tell me to calm-"
"Who told you?" This is from Christina.
"Meredith!"
"And you didn't stop her?" He stares at Christina in disbelief.
"I tried! She's pretty set on it!"
"Dr. Shepard…" Bailey is using that voice that perfectly blends calm and firmness together…the one they use on patients.
Derek runs his fingers through his hair, dripping water everywhere. Someone needs to let him blame them.
"Grey asked us not to tell you."
He's pacing in the middle of the hallway, his fists clenching and unclenching at his sides. He's fighting tears and the urge to punch something at the same time, a strange combination.
"Derek?"
God, no. Not now. This is the last thing he needs.
"What the hell happened to you? You look like a drowning victim."
He turns to face his wife, who has just emerged from an OR. "Was outside."
She studies him. "Is something wrong?"
Derek looks at Bailey.
Christina blurts out quickly, "Meredith transferred." Bailey shoots her an irritated look.
Addison's eyebrows shoot up. "When?"
"Today was her last day."
Addison glances from Christina to her husband's face. She shoots him a hurt look, but he doesn't seem to notice.
"That's what you're upset about?"
He leans against the wall, too distracted to deal with Addison right now.
"Derek." Addison is trying to sound rational and calm, but Derek can make out the irritation beneath the surface…he's heard it a lot lately.. "This…surely this doesn't matter? She's out of your life, anyway, what difference does it make-"
"Shut up." He mutters.
Addison gapes at him, flushing slightly as she glances at Christina and Bailey who are suddenly pretending like they aren't paying attention.
"What did you say?"
"Addison, I…I'm sorry, I can't do this right now."
"Derek."
Bailey leans toward Christina and whispers, "We need to give them some privacy-"
"No." Christina faces Derek. "Dr. Shepard, shouldn't you…I don't know, follow her! Try to stop her-"
Addison glares at the intern.
"She doesn't need someone to 'stop' her, Yang, and that is not your place to tell him what to do!" Dr. Bailey is livid, but Derek looks at Christina seriously.
"If I thought I could…but believe me, I tried…"
"Why do you care? You're supposed to be trying to work on our marriage-"
Bailey grabs Christina by the arm. "We have a surgery." She murmurs as an explanation and they leave Derek and Addison alone.
He turns and starts toward the on call room, suddenly freezing.
Addison follows. "Derek, what the hell are you doing?"
"I…I don't know. I just don't want her to leave because of me."
"Let her go, Derek!" There is a double meaning in this statement. "We're never going to be able to work this out if you don't let her go!"
"I can't let her go!" He walks into the on call room "I've tried, damn it, but I can't! I'm never going to be able to-"
Addison's voice is tearful. "You know, I should have gone with Mark! He actually loves me, and I love him-"
"What!" He turns to face her.
"I fell in love with him, Derek, it wasn't just some cry for your attention. And when he came here he wanted me to come back! That's why he was here, not to sleep with Meredith, or rub it in your face…"
"I think you mentioned that." Derek says coolly. "So you're in love with someone else, and so am I…why the hell would you think it would be a good idea to try to make this marriage work!"
Addison stares at him, beginning to cry now. "Because I love you, too! I still loved you, and I didn't realize it until you left…"
He shrugs helplessly. "Well, I don't know what to say. I'm not going to apologize for being upset about Meredith leaving. I can't help that, and I've been honest about that with you."
"Maybe…maybe her leaving…maybe it will give us that chance. Maybe that's what we need to get past-"
"Do you honestly believe that?"
Addison looks away. "I want to."
His face softens. "I wish it were that simple."
"Yeah."
"Yeah."
They look at each other.
"Addie, listen…I know it's asking a lot but…could I maybe be by myself for awhile."
He can see it in her face that she doesn't like it, but can't find a way to protest. She makes sure her voice shows her hurt. "Yeah, I…that's fine."
"Addison-"
She slams the on call room door.
Christina
"Why did you do that?"
She glances at Bailey. They're on either side of the operating table.
"Do what?'
"Tell Shep to go stop her. Right in front of his wife." She raises her eyebrows. "You got more sense than that, Yang. I need suction here…"
"I don't know. I just thought he'd want to."
Bailey laughs at her. "You don't want her to leave. Especially the way you've been acting."
There's no question there.
Christina stares at her. "How did you-"
"You must think I'm stupid. Hand me the retractor."
Christina hands it to her. "I just think she's making a mistake."
"That's for her to figure out."
Meredith
Damn him.
That's pretty much her thinking as she rides in the cab to the airport.
That wounded look he gives her. The sincerity and desperation in his voice when he asked her to stay. It melts her, and it makes her want nothing more than to agree to whatever he's saying.
She doesn't even know why she'd told him. Maybe she had been hoping in vain for a real goodbye.
She'd just made it worse.
The rain is picking up. Not as much of that in Boston. She'd gotten used to it in Seattle.
She'd gotten used to a lot of things in Seattle.
Leaving the familiar had never been much of a problem for Meredith. But then, there had never been all that much she was leaving.
And now she is filled with terror, and she suddenly wants to be in Joe's bar, drinking or having random sex as an attempt to get past everything. She does not want to be in a cab, heading for an airport, to get on a plane to take her away from everything she loves.
She closes her eyes against the tears that she's beginning to believe are always going to be lingering there, taking deep breaths and trying desperately to convince herself she's doing the right thing.
But it's words from Derek and Christina that echo in her mind.
Not very convincing.
"We're here, miss."
"Thank you." She says quietly. She pays the driver and gets out, grabbing the bag she's taking on the flight and heads in.
Christina
A few hours later, surgery's over and Christina walks out of the OR to find Burke waiting for her.
"Hi."
"Hi. Are you on call?"
"No, but I wanted to…see if you were okay."
"Fine."
"Meredith leave?"
Christina grits her teeth. "Yeah. She left."
"And are you two…okay now?"
She glares at him momentarily then looks away. "No. I told you I wasn't going to apologize."
He sighs. "True."
"I'm going to change."
She walks into the locker room and is in the process of stuffing her scrubs in her locker amid the clutter when her cell phone rings.
"Hello?"
"Christina?"
It's Meredith. Christina's first instinct is the snap at her, but the tone of her voice stops her.
"Um…hey."
"Look, I know you're mad at me…"
A pang of guilt hits Christina.
"…but I…I missed my flight, and I can't get another one until the morning, so I was kind of hoping that you might…come get me or whatever." Misreading Christina's silence, she rushes on, "I would have called George and Izzie but…I can't go back to the house, and even if I do they'll want to do this big talking and analyzing thing…"
She sounds exhausted.
"What…what do you mean you missed your flight?"
Meredith is silent for a minute or two. "I just…I missed it, okay? Will you come or not?" She's sounding tearful, so Christina replies quickly.
"Yeah, of course, Mer…" She pauses, then says hesitantly, "Look, I'm sorry I've been kind of a bitch about everything-"
"It's fine, okay? Whatever." There's a note of cool detachment in her voice, but Christina decides to revisit that issue later.
"Okay, I'll be there. I'll call you when I'm there or something."
"Thanks."
She hangs up and starts quickly out of the locker room. She's almost to the elevator when she hesitates, thinking.
She makes a rapid turn and heads for the on-call room. Just as she'd figured, Derek is still there, changed out of the soaking wet scrubs and lying on a cot.
"Dr. Shepard?"
"Yeah?" He doesn't look up.
"Meredith called…"
This gets his attention. He sits up and looks at her expectantly.
"She…she missed her flight. I told her I'd come get her but…maybe you want to? I mean…" Seeing the way his face lights up, she rushes on, "She's still leaving, but can't get another flight out until the morning. But maybe…" She pauses. "Maybe you can convince her to stay."
He's nodding. Derek stands and pulls on a jacket.
"She can stay at my apartment when you get her…I mean…if she needs to." She grins slightly and Derek allows a smile to play on his lips.
"Thanks, Christina."
"Don't mention it. And Dr. Shepard?" She meets his eyes. "Do a good job. At convincing her, I mean."
"I'll try."
Derek
He walks into the airport and realizes suddenly he should probably just call Meredith and tell her he was here, but he's a little afraid of what she'll say when she realizes he's the one coming to get her.
He wanders the airport, looking in the coffee shop on the side her gate is on, and finally going over to where the plane to Boston took off earlier.
He's looking around when he hears her.
"Derek?"
Meredith is sitting in a chair behind him. He feels a sudden flood of relief, as though he'd been afraid it had been a lie, and that she really had left…
"Mer…" He breathes weakly. She looks so broken. He walks over to her, his first instinct to hold her, kiss her, and beg her to stay again.
Instead, he just looks down at her, answering the question she was asking with her eyes. "Christina sent me."
"Oh."
There's an awkward silence. He's watching her closely, then asks the obvious question.
"So...why didn't you get on the plane?"
"I…I was scared.." All of a sudden she's crying, her hands pressed to her face and sobbing.
Gently, he pulls her up standing and puts his arm around her while she leans into him. "Come with me…"
Meredith
They walk like that through the airport and outside, where the rain is really pouring now. Derek leads her to his car and they sit there, him in the drivers seat and her next to him, and he watches her cry, slipping his hand into hers.
It occurs to her that before everything with Derek began, she wasn't much of a crier. Even as a kid she was like that. When her mom didn't show up at a soccer game or a parent's day at school, she never cried. When her mother missed her birthday dinners, she never cried. When her father left.
It's not like that now.
She's crying because she's stuck. Christina had told her that moving away, running, was a cowardly thing to do. Well, she was even too scared to do the cowardly thing. It occurred to her that she would be in an apartment building in Boston, miserable, thinking of Derek, no better than before except that she wouldn't have to see it. She was stuck, stuck feeling like this no matter what she did.
And
I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
Derek waits until she's gotten under control a bit before he asks hesitantly. "Sorry, I know I said this already but…why didn't you get on the plane?"
Ah, yes. That.
The truth was it had been like punching the mirror, or cutting the stitches. She'd been sitting there, thinking about how stuck she was, when they had announced the final boarding call.
And she hadn't moved.
It wasn't rational, but she didn't regret it. It made sense at the time.
"I was…scared. I don't know how else to say it. The reason I told you in the first place was because I wanted a real goodbye but I couldn't even do that, and just thinking about it…I couldn't move."
And
I will bear my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
He reaches his hand up and gently wipes the tears from her cheeks. "So don't tell me goodbye. Stay." He's pleading with his eyes. "Please. Don't go, I…I don't want you to go."
"You're with Addison."
Goodbye
my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
"I know…but…I love you."
"Don't-"
"Don't tell me not to say it. I'm sick of you always saying that. I mean it, Meredith, I am in love with you. Not Addison, you. I. Love. You. And I'll say it all I want."
You
have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
"I told you earlier, Derek. I can't see us just picking up where we left off and being happily ever after!"
"Is that…is that not what you want?"
"I…I don't know, Derek. What I want is for you not to have a wife! What I want is for you to have picked me in the first place! I want to be able to get on a plane and leave all this behind without having to ever think about it! What I want is to not be so fucking in love with you!"
I'm
so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.
Derek is quiet, watching her.
She keeps going, tears streaming down her cheeks. "But that's not going to happen, none of it. So what do I want, right now, that's actually possible? I don't know. I want this to be simple."
"I can make it simple." His voice is soft. "Ask me what I want."
She sighs. "Fine. What do you want, Derek?"
"You." He half smiles at her, running he fingers through her hair. "Simple as that. I want you, here in Seattle, with me. I want there to be an us."
She's quiet, her throat too tight to speak.
He leans forward. "This is the part where you say that's exactly what you want, too."
"It…it is, Derek, but-"
Derek puts a finger on her lips to stop her. "Sssh. We're doing simple right now." His eyes are locked with hers.
He leans forward, moving his finger and kisses her, soft at first then sinking into it.
She wraps her arms around his neck and kisses back,
Simple.
He kisses her neck as he takes off her jacket and goes to unbutton her shirt.
They're sitting Derek's car in the airport parking lot, the rain pounding on the windows.
They don't stop to think it through. They just know they both want it.
