a/n: wouldn't it be nice if faye woke up? wouldn't it be nice if everything got nicely resolved after this particular scare? wouldn't it be nice if spike wasn't and thick-headed jerk? yeah, that would be nice. but only one of those scenarios are gonna play out, so...off to reading, then.

12. Thoughts of a Sinner


All in all, it had taken nearly four hours for the trio to finally be able to see their friend. Two hours for surgery and two hours of test had made for a significant amount of waiting, but at least there was something to see. It was a little after midnight as the nurse led the threesome to the dim hospital room. Upon arrival, the nurse left them to check her patient's vitals, and then she quietly exited the room.

Edward was the first to approach Faye's comatose form. The look on the teen's face was almost apathetic, as if she had seen this scene one too many times. Or as if she too afraid to feel. For a moment, Ed had wanted to touch Faye, just to see if she was real, but she thought better of it and backed away from Faye's form. She continued backing until she bumped into Jet, then turned around and hugged the man behind her.

Awkwardly putting his hands around her shoulders, Jet gave into the hug and did his best to silently reassure the girl. Spike watched the two again as a slight and unalienable slice of jealousy ran through him. For all the talking that he and Ed could do, Jet would still be the one to go to for comfort. Shifting his eyes from the two over to Faye, Spike's slice of jealousy turned back into that heap of guilt. At this rate, he'd be six feet under the emotion much sooner than later.

"Jet-person," Ed's shaky voice cut through the quiet. "Ed wants to go home. Ed does not want to be in hospitals anymore."

"Okay, Ed," Jet told her, "we'll go home. Just let me check on Faye real quick."

Nodding, the girl stepped away from him and watched as he approached Faye's bed. Once there, Jet looked down on her and sighed at the situation. Barely even one month ago, they were in a similar position. And even though the last stint here had ended in tragedy as well, this time was already taking the cake.

He looked her over, noting that she was barely recognizable with her face swollen from impact. Though the doctor had said that she her head was fine, it was still lightly wrapped in gauze, as was most of the exposed flesh he saw. Whether she was drugged or not, though she most likely was, at least she was sleeping soundly. And then again, that could, and probably was due to the coma.

Jet's face scrunched up at the thought and he wondered just how long she'd be out. Part of him wanted to believe that she was just faking this for effect and that at any moment she'd spring up and say "gotcha", but as he studied her further, he knew that wouldn't happen. Deftly touching her left hand, Jet gently rubber her knuckles, hoping that she'd know it was him.

Turning from her, hoping emotions weren't about to get the best of him, Jet headed back towards Ed and Spike.

"I'm gonna take Ed home, she doesn't need to be around here anymore. Do you want to stay, or should I come back?"

"Uh," Spike fumbled. He hadn't thought about who would stay with her tonight. Honestly, he didn't think he had a right to. "Maybe you should stay."

"No…I think you should stay," Jet insisted.

"But Jet, I –"

"What? Why can't you just stay the night with her?"

"I can, it's just that I wouldn't think you'd want me to stay."

"What I want, Spike, is to not have to be here at all. I think you should stay here, though. To think, if nothing else."

"…Yeah…I guess you're right," Spike gave in, still not wanting to fight.

"Fine then. I'll be back in the morning. I think I'll leave the kid home. And if anything happens, call immediately."

"I will. Uh, tomorrow, then."

He watched as Jet maneuvered Ed out of the room and closed the door behind him. And then there were two. Spike hesitated greatly before he finally turned to look at the fallen woman. He slowly walked over to her and just stared on at her lifeless body. This was all his fault, he thought to himself, as it hit him like a brick to the head. Faye was here, in this hospital bed, clinging to life all because of him.

Pulling up a chair and sitting by her side, Spike wondered if this is what she did when he was in the hospital. Though his last stay with her in the hospital had also been frightening, this time around was so much more uncertain, so much more like his time there. Was she as apprehensive as he was? Was she as worried as he was? Was she as scared? He wanted to touch her, to reach out and stoke her cheek, or take her slender hand in his, but that would have taken courage that he currently didn't have. No, all of his brevity had disappeared the moment she and the car collided.

If there was ever still a doubt in his mind that he was bad for her, that perception was unnervingly shattered and he finally had to face the facts. As he thought about things, which is what Jet had told him to do, Spike had to wonder what he was ever doing with Faye in the first place. A part of him thought it was pity. The poor woman had put up with so much from him, and yet she never really once complained.

Sure, she'd fight him and curse him and belittle him all day long, but never once could he remember her truly complaining about him. She had asked him to stop, pleaded for him to stay, even begged him to not forfeit his life, but never complain. And for all that she had been through, what with the cryo, Whitney, her bounty and all of that, she still found a way to trust him. Spike "Lunkhead" Spiegel had earned her pure, still child-like trust. Like a sap, he ate it up.

And he figured mostly, that that's why he finally gave in to her. That, and the fact that she loved him. He knew he wasn't an easy person to love, since he insisted on being so lackadaisical and/or reckless about every damn thing. He had already traveled down the avenue that explored whether or not Julia ever loved him, but there was no doubt in his mind when it came to Faye. She had decided to have his kid, after all.

For all that she gave him, though, Spike knew he could never give it back to her. He was too used up; he was already too far gone. He would never come out and say it, because he never wanted to appear so fragile, but the situation with Julia and Vicious had taken so much out of him. He had taken his absolute best friend's girl, and for what? Yes, she was good in bed, and yes, she was a wonderful, sweet woman, but to break up the best relationship he had, for her, topped his list of stupid deeds.

And then she wouldn't leave with him. He had broken his friend by betraying him so much, and yet the object of that betrayal refused to make his efforts worth while. And then he was hunted, hunted by the best. The only man who could keep him alive really was the only man who could kill him. After watching Julia die, after literally washing her blood from his hands, Spike had given up and given in to what fate had in store for him. He had gone there to die, despite what he told Faye. He wanted to die because it was the only fitting end he saw for himself.

To have your best friend, your soul's platonic mate turn on you and actual wish to bring you death is possibly the worst experience one could ever go through. He had said it before and he'd say it again: he never meant to kill him, he only meant to do him harm in the least. But that wasn't what had happened. He had killed him. And with that act, he had killed himself, too. The only person he ever cared about more then himself was dead by his hands, and for Spike at least, there was no forgiveness for that.

And it was those feelings that made him suddenly want to be as far away from Faye as possible. For all that he and Jet had been through, they could never be like that, but Faye…she was the one he loved, the one he'd willingly die for. She was to him now, what Vicious once was to him, minus the love affair, and the parallels of the situation actually terrified Spike.

If he could kill Vicious, then was it impossible to believe that he could kill Faye? He may not shoot her, and he may not even be the one to physically do her in, but he would lead her down that path, hell, he already almost did. And that was why he had to leave her, had to get away from her. What Faye wanted and what Faye needed were two totally different things. Faye wanted him, or at least she had. Faye needed a hero, a man that would know how to love her right. He wasn't that man, and he knew it.

He was an addict, recovering or not. He was an adulterer, and he'd proven that more than once. He was a thief, a liar, a murderer and a crook, and to ever think that he'd be better than that was a delusion on his part. For all of his skewed outlooks on life, his outlook on himself was surprisingly dead on, or at least in his very biased opinion. The few people still in his life today thought that he still had so much potential, that he was good at heart and worthy of love and all that crap. Spike didn't buy it, though; he knew himself too well.

So in those moments, Spike made up his mind: he'd leave her. If he knew Faye as well as he thought he did (the woman was easier to see through then freshly waxed glass sometimes), then he had a feeling that she'd still be willing to try. She was a hopeless romantic that way. It would make life on the Bebop amazingly awkward for a long while, but she'd find someone better, or leave. That would be entirely up to her, though.

Leaning back in the chair and rubbing his hands over his face, Spike sighed at his revelation and discovered he was getting a very serious headache. Perhaps he had thought too much, but it was all for the best that he finally understood what he had to do. Rising from the chair, he poured some water from the pitcher that was left on the little table, and took a big gulp of it. If he remembered correctly, the last time he had gotten such sudden a severe headaches was when he was going through withdrawal.

"I don't need to think about that right now," Spike muttered to himself.

He then heard Faye groan slightly, and looked her over. Her lids were closed, but her eyes where moving rapidly behind them, and her mouth moved a little, almost as if she was talking.

"You heard that, huh?" Spike asked her sleeping form. "Guess you know what I'm talking about. I'd apologize, but…but I don't want to lie to you right now."

Faye was still restless for a few minutes more, but eventually settled down. Spike wondered what she was dreaming and then wondered if she really did know what he was talking about. Even in some kind of coma, Spike wouldn't put that past her.

Sitting back down, Spike kicked off his shoes and put his feet up on the bed. He shifted in the seat for a while, trying to find a comfortable position, but eventually gave up and settled for semi-comfort. He kept his eyes open for a little while longer, taking in the bland room and Faye. He feel asleep soon enough, though; the events of the evening finally catching up to him. His rest was hardly as such, and he tossed and turned in the chair all night. But at least he'd wake up in the morning, which was more then he could say for Faye.


One week later; one long, agonizing, wait-filled week later, Faye decided to finally open her eyes. The room was full of people, namely Spike, Jet, Ed and the doctor, and they were all more than relieved to see her up. It was Spike's protests that had finally woken her; his annoying whines would have woken the dead.

It had taken her several minutes to finally make herself known, and several minutes more to find the vocal strength to ask what had happened. The doctor then explained to her the basics of the events that landed her here and told her that she had been in a coma for a week. Her eyes grew wide then, and if her voice had been better used over the last seven days, then she would have pitched quite the fit over her condition.

But she was reduced to flabbergasted mumbles as she tried to grasp the situation, and Jet was personally thankful for that. Looking herself over, Faye noticed her array of bruises, scraps and casts. She sighed and reluctantly thanked the gods that she was alive, but wondered to herself why they couldn't have left her beautiful body better intact. Ed had then bounded over to her and rambled on about this and that, and for a moment, Faye was actually glad to her the girl's voice and see her too happy, smiling face. But that feeling soon went away, seeing as though Ed tended to talked too much.

The doctor then prattled on about more things that didn't interest Faye, and Jet joked around, trying to hide his relief and fear behind that calm mask. But Faye didn't focus on Jet, the doctor, or Ed; she was too focused on Spike as he sat in the corner of the room. He hadn't said a thing to her since she woke; he hadn't even looked at her. She now remembered why she was in the hospital, remembered all too well, but didn't think that was a good enough reason for him to ignore her. After all, she should be the one who got to ignore him.

After the doctor had left to go take care of other patients, Jet took up the conversation again and gave her a run down of how things had been during the time she was asleep. By the time he had gotten to the events of the fourth day, which involved Ed diving off of the pier for some reason, Spike suddenly got up and left. He went so abruptly, he didn't even utter a goodbye. The three people left in the room simply looked at each other, unable to explain his actions. Then Jet continued on with his story, almost as if Spike had never been there at all.


Faye was two weeks in to her three week, post-coma stay in the hospital and she was more than glad that Jet had snuck her in some food this night. Hospital food was disgusting; as she had found out the last time she was in the here, but this time around, three meals a day for two straight weeks was enough to make her swear off food in general.

Jet, her saving grace, had brought her a chili cheeseburger, large fries, and a vanilla milkshake, and she thought she had died and gone to fast food heaven. She heard Jet laugh at her as she practically inhaled her food, but she simply said, around a mouthful of burger, that she was entitled to such a feast after the horror she had been through.

Once their meals had been completed and the two adults had time to let their meals digest, Faye finally spoke up.

"So, the kid home again tonight?"

"Where else would she be? It's not like she has friends or anything, though I don't think it's healthy for a girl that age to hang out with grown-ups all day."

"I don't really know who else Ed would hang around. She's not exactly normal or anything."

"Heh, I guess you're right."

Faye picked up her cup and sipped mercilessly at the straw. Her milkshake was all gone, though, and she sadly put the cup back down.

"Is he still home?"

"Spike. His name is 'Spike', in case you've forgotten."

"No, Jet, I haven't. I could have, though. It's not like he's been around lately or anything."

And he hadn't been. Ever since Faye had woken up, Spike had not been back to see her. He refused to see her for some reason, and there was seemingly nothing that Jet or Ed could say to get him to go see her. It was odd to think he wouldn't come around, considering that he barely left the room for the whole week she was out. But as soon as she had awaken, he had disappeared and needless to say, that didn't sit too well with any of them, least of all Faye.

"What did I do to him, Jet? As I recall, wasn't it he who screwed up? Or was getting hit by a car an even bigger mistake then having an affair?"

"Faye…"

"What, Jet? You're not going to stick up for him, are you?" Faye asked, disbelief showing on her face. "Do guys really stick to that 'bros' before ho's' shit?"

"What?" Jet questioned, not getting the arcane reference.

"Nothing. Just forget I said anything."

"Don't 'nothing' me, Faye," Jet warned. "You can be as mad as you want to be at him, but don't take it out on me. I've been on your side since day one, so don't you dare say something like that!"

"I…I'm sorry, Jet," Faye said after a few tense moments. "I just don't know why he's doing this, whatever it is he's doing. If he's mad at me, then I wish he'd tell me. I wish he'd tell me anything. I think I deserve some sort of explanation, but at this rate, I don't think I'm going to get a damn thing from him."

Jet watched the woman as tears streamed down her face. It was getting to be and all too familiar look for her. He couldn't deny that her eyes would sparkle a dazzling shade of green when she cried, but he could do without such enchanting eyes if it meant that that emotion would be soundly kept at bay. Deciding to let her tears fall as they may, Jet silently waited for her to be cry herself out.

"I guess he doesn't love me anymore," Faye whispered more to herself than Jet. "I kinda doubt that he every really loved me at all. Did you get a look at the woman he was with? She looked just like Julia. I…I should have known that he wasn't over her, yet. I mean, it had barely been over a year since she died and…I don't know why I thought I could compete with her anyway."

Jet got up and went over to her when he heard that. It was one thing for her to cry over her situation, but it was another thing to doubt her self worth. Sitting on the edge of her bed, the ex-cop put a reassuring hand on hers and gave her a simple smile.

"There's a lot of doubting that goes on on my ship. Sometimes, I doubt that the clunker will even start up the next time we go somewhere. Sometimes I doubt that the a/c will last until we have enough money to buy the new piece it needs. Hell, sometimes I even doubt that we can make it to the next dock with the fumes of gas left in the tank. The things that I don't doubt, though, are the people on my ship. I never have, and I never will, cause if that was the case, then I'd of kicked you all off a long time ago."

Looking up at him, Faye smiled back at Jet. There was another ridiculous, yet wholly applicable 'Jetism' as Faye had started to call them. He would never come out and say what he was really on his mind; he always had to wrap it in some sort of crazy coating. But at the heart of it all was Jet's sentimentalism, and the wisdom that the man seemed to always be bursting with. Faye was always glad to hear what he had to say, but she'd never tell him that, for fear of inflating his ego. So she simply smiled at him, like she always did, and was more thankful than ever that this man was in her life.


so, faye's awake. and yes, she'll make a full recovery. there's enough drama already without the added stress of brain damage or things like that. but what's up with spike? will he come around again? ugh, who knows. well, i guess we'll find out soon. so, thanks for stopping by.

phoenix