a/n: i think that this is my favorite chapter. i'm not sure why, but i just like it best, though it is the most depressing chap, i believe. and this chapter is structured like a song-fic, so maybe that's why i like it so much. the song is "waiting for something" by sense field. i dunno, the lyrics and the melody are so different, but they work so well and really set this chapter, so if you can get a hold of the song, i suggest you do so. oh, and there will be a very mild, almost not worth metioning sex scene, so watch out. and any ooc-ness should be expected, right? good, so don't be surprised when you see it. so okay, that it...go read.

15. Waiting For Something


The feeling begins,
I never, ever want it to end.

Leaving the Bebop that night wasn't what Spike had planned, but he just couldn't stay there right now. If he did, he'd probably find Jet's secret stash and drink himself sick, or end up killing himself or Faye. So he left in a huff, if for nothing more than to breathe the air. But air wasn't what he wanted, it wasn't what his body craved. He knew what he wanted, he just didn't know if he was in the right frame of mind to seek it out.

It was a mood that he was all too familiar with, though, but he didn't want to acknowledge it. He desired a hit so bad, his blood was on fire from want. But wasn't the drug the reason he was trying to get away right now? He didn't know anymore. When he thought he had understood himself a minute ago, perhaps he just understood his need. He prayed for the feeling to go away, but he knew the only real way that it could.

So I try getting high,
How I kept trying to fly.

It definitely wasn't a place that he frequented. The last time he'd even been to the place was to catch a bounty. But no bounties where to be caught tonight. No, what he yearned for was less elusive, but so much more dangerous. Turning the corner, Spike found himself in Tharsis City's sketchiest Red Light District. He would have preferred a more upscale section of town, but he was low on funds and thus couldn't afford much.

He casually strolled down the road and searched for what he was looking for. Spike had never gone out to hire a woman, he never had to, but tonight was different. He felt like trash, the lowest of the low, and he'd treat himself as such. Embarrassment was an easy way of putting how he felt into words, but he couldn't make himself turn away.

"Hey there, stud," a sultry voice called from behind him. "Is there anything that I can get ya?"

Spike turned to the woman and all but wrinkled his nose at her. She definitely left something to desired, to say the least. Her slick, brown hair was pulled into a semi-ratty ponytail and her face was painted with too much make up. Her halter top was the color of blood and it was slipping down dangerously low. Her skirt was less than a micro-mini, but at least she had the legs to pull it off. Classic stripper shoes elevated her height, but she still only came to Spike's cheek.

"So, you interested?" The woman almost purred.

"How much?" Spike asked, still unsure if he could go through with this.

"500 an hour. An extra hundred if you want a hit. Sound good?"

Fishing into his pocket and clutching the bills he had found lost in the back of his closet, Spike nodded to her and they headed off to the woman's pre-reserved motel room. On the way, they stopped by a liquor store, but Spike knew that no amount of alcohol would be able to squelch the part of his conscious that continued to fill him with guilt.

Trying to make it again,
Recreate it with friends.

Perhaps he didn't see, or maybe he didn't want to see, but the hobbling figure that was trailing him somehow went unnoticed. Faye was very thankful for that…the anonymity, at least. When she decided to follow Spike, crutches and all, Faye didn't know where the night would take them, but at the rate things were going, she'd be lucky if either of them made it out alive.

She had shuddered immensely when she saw Spike turn down Quaker Ave, knowing full well that it was the start of 'Whore Alley' as she called it. She waited for him to come back out again, more than disturbed to see a woman at his side, and then continued slowly behind him. A couple of men had dared to bother her as she trailed the two, but they quickly retreated as she shot one of them in the leg. She may have been temporarily crippled, but she wasn't helpless, that's for sure.

Staying in the shadows and wondering how he simply didn't notice she was there, Faye watched Spike and the hooker disappear behind a seedy motel door. For several moments, she hesitated, trying to decide whether or not she wanted to continue on. At the start of the night, she had thought that she would have been able to easily turn back and go home. But now that she was here, now that she knew, it was impossible for her to let it go.

So I search for this thing,
The world could never bring.
It's the pain and the sting…

Inside the room, the woman, who had revealed herself to be 'Bunny Boo', didn't waste any time getting down to business. She went over to the table and pulled a gram of heroin, a needle and some foil out of her purse, then removed her uncomfortable shoes. Spike put the liquor, vodka of course, down in the chair and eyed her.

"You got a light on you, baby?"

Not answering, he reached into his pants pocket and handed his lighter over. He watched as she prepared the stuff and barely heard her when she spoke to him again.

"...I said, do you want to go first?"

"Huh, oh…sure," he said in a surreal daze.

Rolling up his sleeve, Spike allowed Bunny to wrap a band around his arm, but he stuck the needle in himself. After he was done, she took the needle for herself and repeated his actions.

"Aren't you scared that I might have something?" Spike asked, disgusted that she'd take a hit off of the same syringe.

"I trust you, baby," she smiled at him.

If it wasn't for the happy buzz that the heroin had given him, he would have backed out already. After all, he had his drug, what did he need sex for? Well, because sex and drugs tend to go together, he rationalized. And he might as well go out in a blaze of glory, right? He at least owed that to himself.

Takes its toll on my soul,
Stealing the feeling I know.

"No kinky stuff," Bunny said as she stood up and began to undress herself. "That costs extra. And don't be too rough, either…I'm just a little woman, after all. And no kissing on the mouth. That's strictly forbidden."

Again Spike nodded as he began to strip as well. Her rules where simple enough. He wasn't into kinky and he only got rough with Faye (simply because he had so wanted to possess her). And kissing, well, he wouldn't kiss her with a ten foot pole, if that made sense to a drug-free mind.

She then grabbed his hand in hers and led him to the bed. He deftly felt her lips on various parts of his body, though he didn't overly react to any of her touches. He was crumbling on the inside, all the feeling he had was slowly seeping out of him. How had he come to this, and why couldn't he stop?

Waiting for something to open my eyes.
I wait for this feeling to know I'm alive.

Faye made her way up the stairs to the motel door, amazed that she could even make it up the stairs at all. She wasn't sure what number was on the door that they had gone in to, but she knew about where it was on the floor. Stopping in front of what she was sure was it, Faye reluctantly placed her ear against the door and strained to listen for any type of sound.

What she heard was what she partly expected, but hadn't wanted to hear either way. Grunts and groans and creaks of a rickety bed greeted her senses and sent her stomach reeling. The urge to vomit was almost overwhelming, but she somehow kept it in. She looked up and around, trying to gauge whether or not this was the door, but no matter how hard she tried to make it not so, Faye couldn't deny that this was the room.

She tried to stay standing, tried to be strong, but Faye didn't have that kind of strength at the moment. She slid down to the ground, hoping that the cluttering of her crutches didn't make too much noise. Faye had no idea that Spike was capable of something like this…this was something the she never wanted to know.

Waiting for something to open my eyes.
I wait for this feeling to know I'm alive.

On the other side of the door, Spike was atop the woman named Bunny, rocking himself in and out of her, unable to register what he was doing. The woman under him made encouraging sounds, boasting that he was doing a good job, but he doubted she was putting on anything more than an act.

She was repulsing to him, but he couldn't pinpoint why, exactly. It could have been because she was what she was: a whore. Or it could have been because of what she wasn't…she wasn't Faye. No, she was too hard, too raw; too empty to be Faye. In the end, Spike determined that he was disgusted only at himself.

You'll know where to start,
Piece together the hearts that were thrown away broken,
Run over and stolen.

He didn't know why he had started, since he already knew that he couldn't finish. This woman wouldn't get him off, he wouldn't allow this woman to get him off. She must have sensed that, too, because she gently pushed him off of her.

"Must be your first time, huh?" She asked as she began to replace her clothing.

"Hn," was Spike's quick response. He was torn between humiliation at his inability to deliver, and the fact that he had even began this whole catastrophe in the first place.

"It's okay, baby…most first timers can't finish. It's no biggie."

Spike was quickly starting to hate being referred to as "baby", he rued, as he pulled on his pants. He dug in his pocket for her payment and handed the woolongs over to her. Taking the bills and stroking his hand in the process, Bunny gave him an appreciative smile and went into the bathroom to perfect her appearance.

We could find away... find away...we could find away...
Find away... fine away…find away. Find away.

Going to his suit jacket, Spike fished in the pockets and was slightly comforted when his fingers brushed cold steel. He was tired at failing at something so simplistic, and maybe tonight he'd be able to go through with it. Either way, he'd find a method to suit his madness, and maybe he'd finally release the deadly hold he had on the people who said the cared for him so much. Yes, he'd find a way…the best way he thought he could save himself.

Waiting for something to open my eyes.
I wait for the feeling to know I'm alive.

Exiting the bathroom, looking as she did when Spike had met her, Bunny grabbed up her purse, kissed Spike lightly on the cheek, and bid him farewell. She told him he could have the room until tomorrow morning, seeing as though he was her last customer for the night. Spike made no real move to prove that he heard, but waved her along anyway.

Opening the door and then closing it behind her, Bunny almost tripped over the body that sat beside the door. She looked down and gasped, which wasn't a normal reaction for a seasoned street walker like herself. She stared at the woman that was sobbing on the ground, crutches by her side and her leg in a cast.

"Um…can I get you anything, honey?" The hooker reluctantly asked.

"What, no," Faye choked out as she stared up.

For a moment, the women's eyes made contact and something unspoken transferred between them. Bunny almost apologized and Faye almost accepted, and then their sight disengaged and the woman walked away. Faye was then left there to decide what to do next. She could stay, or she could leave. Shaking her head, Faye decided to go. What would Spike want with her, anyway? He had gone out this night to replace her in any case, right?

Waiting for something to open my eyes.
I wait for the feeling to know I'm alive.

Looking around the now empty room, Spike tried to figure out how he'd go about this. First, he took the gun out of his jacket and made sure that the barrel was full. Every chamber was occupied, so he'd have several chances in case he missed. Setting the weapon on the night stand, he then went over to the vodka in the chair, somewhat upset that he had forgotten it until now.

Unwrapping one of the plastic hotel cups, he poured in some of the liquid and was just about to drink it, when he remembered it was hot. And Spike wasn't a big fan of hot vodka. So he fumbled around for a while until he found the designated bucket and resigned himself to getting some ice. Slipping on his shoes and forgoing his shirt, Spike grabbed up the empty pail and headed out to get those cubes.

Find away…find away…

He hadn't expected to see Faye struggling to stand up, though. He hadn't expected to see Faye at all. Dressed in an old t-shirt of his and a cut-off pair of his sweat pants as well, he briefly wondered if he should give her a hand. But instead, the two stopped and stared at one another; a million things needing to be said, but not a word coming out. He could see it in her eyes, the heart that he had broken. And she could see it in his eyes, the heart that was shattered. She wanted to run to him and hold him in her arms, and he wanted nothing more than to be held by her. But neither of them made the move to do so. They were simply strangers now, wholly unaccustomed as to what to do.

You'll know where to start,
Together with hearts…

"What are you doing here, Faye?" He asked in almost disbelief.

"I…I don't know," she truthfully answered him. "I just…I just…Christ, Spike…I don't know."

He watched her as she turned around, never once daring to wipe the tears from her eyes. He thought he had prepared himself to let her go, to watch her walk away from him. That was, after all, what he had wanted all along, right? To prove to her that he wasn't good enough, to get her to walk away from him. But seeing her turn away, to think that she was actually giving up on him was suddenly way too much and entirely too real.

"Faye," he called after her. "Please…don't go. I…I don't want to be alone tonight, Faye. I'm…I'm afraid of what I might do if you go."

Faye stopped and sighed. Isn't this what he wanted? She was sure of it, until she heard the tears in his voice. Barely restrained, he was actually calling out for her. Faye wasn't sure if that had ever happened before. She faced him again and was almost caught off guard by the look on his face. He was lost…but he had always been lost. He had just masked it much better before. The tears that now streamed down his face broke her heart all over again, but for him, she would continually let it happen.

Not saying a word, Faye got a better handle on her crutches and limped into the room. A sigh of possible relief was heard behind her as Spike closed the door after them.

Thrown away broken, run over and stolen,
Thrown away broken…

She wasn't going to question him, not tonight at least. She was just going to stay and hope to help him make it till tomorrow. She ambled to the bed and pulled off the sheets, then flopped down as she ignored the filth. Snooping with bum legs was harder than she had anticipated and she was thoroughly worn out. As Spike kneeled in front of her and wrapped his arms around her, though, Faye was suddenly wide awake again.

Spike wasn't sobbing, he wasn't crying; he was weeping as he clung to her. Fountains of tears and violent shudders ran through him and into Faye. He muttered some things that she couldn't quite hear and held her so tightly in his grip. He was holding her almost as if he was afraid that she would up and leave him. But he didn't realize that she couldn't do that. Faye loved him entirely too much. And as sick and twisted as it was to say, she only loved him even more in his moments like this.

Assuring him that she wasn't leaving, Faye got him to let her go just long enough for her to climb fully into the bed and rest her back against the headboard. As soon as she was settled, Spike latched on to her again. She stroked his hair and held him tightly, proving through her actions that she wasn't done with him just yet.

Waiting for something to open my eyes.
I wait for the feeling to know I'm alive.

His sobs eventually ebbed and he was left with hiccups and sighs. He still hadn't said a word to her, but Faye was fine with the silence this time. It was a different kind of quite than how he'd treated her before. This time, instead of pushing her away, the silence served to draw her in.

Remembering how her mother would comfort her when she was upset as a child, Faye filed through her memories a picked a song to sing. It was an ancient Earth song, no surprise there, and she didn't know half of the words to it. But she remembered the chorus and that would be enough. Because Spike would never ask of her, more than she could give.

"And I won't bend, and I won't break," she softly began, "but some day soon, we'll sail away. To innocence, and the bitter end."

Spike chanced a look and glanced up at her, unaware that there was a songbird inside her as well. He saw her smile down at him and something in that smile calmed him considerably. Resting his head back on her stomach, he closed his eyes and fell asleep as he listened to her sing.

"And I won't break, and I won't bend, and with the last breath we ever take, we're gonna get back, to the simple life again."

Her voice was breaking by the end, and Faye was glad that that was all she remembered. And besides, Spike had drifted into sleep by then, and she needed to conserve herself for the morning.

Waiting for something to open my eyes.
I wait for the feeling to know I'm alive.

Reaching over and grabbing the gun she had noticed on the table when she entered the room, Faye picked up Spike's Jericho and opened up the chamber. Tears sprung from her eyes as she noticed that every slot was full, every bullet ready to kill. He was going to do it tonight, and Faye was more aware of that then ever. If she hadn't followed him, he could be…he could be dead right now.

Removing herself slowly from Spike's grasp, Faye hobbled to the bathroom and flushed the bullets down the toilet. They didn't all go down, but at least they were out of the way. She then went back to the bed. Staring at Spike as he subconsciously felt for her, Faye looked on, unsure as to whether she should smile or scream. Going for the former, she let a sad smile befall her lips and she realized that even through the grime of his actions, Spike was still the most beautiful thing she had ever seen. So beautiful, and yet simultaneously so tragic. But that was her cowboy…that's how it had to be.

Climbing back into bed, Faye fell into his grasp and watched him settle, content now that she was back. Putting a hand on his cheek, Faye was happy just to feel him. She mused that he needed a shave and kissed his forehead gently. She then settled into a comfortable position, but refused to go to sleep. Tonight she'd be his peeper, if for no other reason then to look.

Find away…find away.


and that's that chapter. tres sad, no? it definitely makes me tear up, and i wrote if for goodness sakes. oh, and the bit of song that faye sung was 'simple life' by elton john. it's a real good song. so, i can only imagine what the morning will bring for these two. only time will tell. well then, thanks for stopping by.

phoenix