a/n: so, it's the morning after, so to speak. i guess it's time to see how spike's gonna talk himself out of this one. or maybe he'll just finally own up to what he's been doing. i dunno...i guess you'll just have to read and see. oh, and once again, fair warning, there's a whole lotta spike talk going on. but it's totally necessary, in my opinion. but i guess you'll just have to read and decide for yourself.

16. Explanation is What I Owe


As was the scene in many a movie, morning light streamed brightly through the slit in the curtain-covered window. The slice of filtered sunshine illuminated the dank room and fell upon the forms that were resting on the bed. Birds didn't sing in this part of town, so the sound of angry car horns would have to do. The noise of slamming doors and shouts in the parking lot added to the dawn drone, but somehow, not everyone was disturbed by it.

Back inside the little room, where the strangers lay together, the lanky man shifted languidly, and turned on his side. In the process, his elbow made contact with the woman beside him, and an unappreciative groan escaped her lips. Her eyes then fluttered open, as if she remembered something, and she carefully pulled her arm from around the waist of the man.

Blinking in the sudden brightness of the room, Faye sat up in the bed, careful not to rouse Spike. She fumbled with the remote, which was attached to the nightstand by a reinforced rope, and turned the vid screen on. To her relief, the volume was turned down, which allowed her to flip quietly through the stations. Finally landing on a network with a clock, she was able to check the time.

"Seven thirty-two," she grumbled.

Rubbing at her eyes and yawning lightly, she sighed as she realized that she had fallen asleep. She had meant to stay awake all night so she could watch Spike, but her weary body decided to override her decision and fall asleep anyway. Looking over at the man that lay next to her, Faye smiled a little at the way he was laying. There wasn't anything out of the ordinary about him as he slept, and that's why Faye enjoyed watching him so much.

It was a dirty little secret of hers, and he was probably guilty of it too, but Faye loved to watch Spike sleep. He was almost normal, definitely not the man he was when he was awake. In sleep, he seemed peaceful and all of his problems disappeared in those few hours he was out. Though Faye would never actually want Spike to be so peaceful and carefree, it was a treat to see him that way every now and again. He wasn't resting so peacefully at that moment, so she noticed, but then again how could he be, considering what he had been through.

A rumble from her stomach brought Faye out of her thoughts, and it dawned on her that she had completely forgotten about eating dinner last night. After the fight with Spike over the bounty, she had been too distraught to eat. And then she had followed him when he disappeared, and that certainly didn't leave her with the option to dine. Now, however, her empty stomach was angrily reminding her of that.

She lazily rolled herself out of the bed and chanced hurting herself further, instead of submitting to her restrictive crutches. She hobbled over to the table to see if there was anything edible left over in the bag of liquor, but the alcohol was the only thing available.

"Not my ideal breakfast," she said dryly as she uncapped the vodka and took a little sip. "Gah! This stuff could take down a horse."

Putting the bottle back on the table, Faye turned around and saw that Spike was searching blindly for her again. A part of her wanted to go back to him and ease him for a while longer, but the other part of her (the part that won out), stayed put. She wanted to see what he'd do if he thought she was gone. She wanted to see if he really wanted her to be there.

So she continued to watch him, and when his preliminary grasps produced nothing more than air, he suddenly sat up in and turned, almost frantic in his search for her. Faye sighed as she watched him, and Spike must have heard her. He stopped his movements and looked towards her, and when he finally focused and realized who it was, he quickly turned away. Faye couldn't decide what he was feeling at the moment, but she hobbled back over to him, anyway.

He felt the dip in the bed but didn't look over at her, the feeling of shame was too overwhelming at the moment. Fully turning his back to her, Spike moved to the edge of the bed and stared blankly at the wall. He heard her moving and felt her getting closer to him, but didn't acknowledge her there. When her hand touched his bare shoulder, he pulled away almost violently and walked away from her and the bed.

He could feel her eyes on him as he left her where she sat, and wondered what she thought of him. He didn't really want to know, though; he didn't want to know that she hated him. At least not yet. Feeling dirtier than he ever had before, Spike entered the bathroom and quietly closed the door behind him. The tiny room, though cleaner than he had anticipated, still could have used another dousing of bleach. But he shrugged off the thought, since no amount of soap and water could effectively clean his soiled body.


Faye had felt as if she was stung, by the way Spike had reacted to her touch. What was she, acid? She saw him go into the bathroom after that, and was very hesitant to let him be in there alone. Chances were that he was simply taking a shower, as the sound of water filled the room, but in his current state, Faye could think of at least two good ways for Spike to kill himself in there.

She decided to trust him, though, for reasons she couldn't even try to explain, and she'd soon see how that trust would pay off. Sitting in the middle of the bed, Faye absently drummed her fingers on the sheets. The thought crept into her mind, then, just what exactly had happened on those sheets. With a sour look on her face, Faye all but hopped out of the bed and hobbled back over to the chair. The likelihood was great that the chairs weren't too clean, either, but they were better than the bed that housed the aftermath of what Spike and that woman did there. Thankful that she somehow still had her shoes on, Faye helped herself to a cigarette from Spike's discarded pack on the table and gladly lit up.

A little less than ten minutes later, a watered down Spike emerged from the bathroom. A surprisingly white, fluffy towel, was wrapped around his svelte waist and his wet hair hung heavily around his face. Faye mused that his hair had grown out, seeing as though the longest portions reached his shoulders when wet, and found that she had missed that toned body much more than she had realized. Though it had only been about three months since their relationship, and subsequently everything else, had gone to pot, it felt more like three decades now that she thought about it.

Trying to advert her eyes though, Faye turned her head and pretended to read the contents on the vodka bottle. The last thing she needed right now was to be turned on by him, though the time for that might have already passed. But as far as she knew, he didn't want anything like that from her. Hell, he probably didn't want anything at all from her, if she judged him by the way he had treated her.

Out of the corner of her eye, Faye watched as Spike stood in the middle of the room, then approached the bed, then went back to where he originally was. He was grappling with something, it was easy enough to tell, but what he was grappling with was much harder to discern. Finally settling for sitting on the bed, Spike sat facing Faye, a light cough escaping him. Perhaps that was a gesture for Faye to look at him, but she preferred to wait until he verbally addressed her.

"You're still here," he said, his voice slightly rough with sleep.

She looked at him straight on now, trying to decipher what he meant. He wasn't looking at her, though, so it made it more difficult for her to get a hold on him.

"Did you want me to leave?" She asked him, not knowing how else to respond.

"Why are you still here?" He asked without hesitation.

"You…you asked me to stay here; with you," Faye said as if she was trying to remind him of his actions.

His left leg slightly bounced up and down and he tried hard not to focus on the woman across from him. He was so nervous around her now, which wasn't an every day feeling for him, and he tried his best to keep his cool.

"I know what I asked, I just thought…I guess I thought you'd be gone by now."

"Why would you think that?" She frankly asked.

"I don't know…I mean…why did you stay?" He sort of blurted out. Spike wasn't sure what they were going to accomplish with this little run around, but he'd keep jogging the laps if he had to.

"Because you asked me to," was Faye's simple answer.

Gasping lightly at her sincere tone, Spike fought up the courage to actually look at her. Taking in her form in the chair, her silhouette so familiar and once so comforting, Spike felt almost as if he was remembering her all over again.

"You stayed…just because I asked you to?"

"Yes."

"But why? I've asked you to do a lot of things and you weren't so quick to do them then."

"I did it because I love you."

His next question died in his throat as he processed what she had said. It wasn't the first time those words had come from her mouth and been directed at him, but this time around, they were a little harder to grip.

"Love or loved?" He probed.

"Just because you can stop feeling for me that easily," Faye began, wondering where he got the audacity to question her on this, "doesn't mean that I can do it, too. You may not love me anymore, but it's going to take a little more time for me to get over you!"

Looking on silently, Spike watched as Faye worked herself into a tizzy. Tears almost instantaneously welled in her eyes and angered hurt flashed across her irises.

"I never said I didn't love you," Spike all but spat at her, irritation springing into him as she doubted him.

"Well, you bastard, actions tend to speak louder than words!" She threw back at him.

This wasn't how Faye had pictured their conversation was going to be when they both woke up that morning, but yelling at one another seemed to be the most natural thing for them to do. Perhaps they insisted on yelling because it was the best way to express how they felt.

"Damnit, Faye!" Spike exclaimed as he stood up from the bed. His emotions where running wild due to the situation and withdrawal, and even if he tried, there would still be much yelling this morning. "This is exactly what I wanted to avoid!"

"And what is 'this' that you were trying to avoid!" Faye fumed as she tried to resist the urge to stand on her still healing legs.

"This, this fight! This everything! I was trying to get you to leave me, so you wouldn't have to think that I had stopped loving you, because quite frankly, I'd still love you even if it killed me!"

"Leave you? You were the one who wanted to leave me! Why else would you act like I was invisible? Why else would you go fuck another woman huh? And let's not even got started about last night!"

"I never meant to 'fuck another woman', that just happened!"

"No, Spike, burning the lasagna; that just happens. Your dick falling into another woman; that is a planned event!"

"And what would you know about it!" Spike shouted back, his voice elevating a bit more. "Have you been as faithful as you're pretending to be? Was that kid even mine to begin with!"

With those words, Spike all but clamped his hands over his mouth. The look on Faye's face was one of unmitigated shock. Had he really just said that? What in the hell was he thinking? Christ, there was no amount of damage control that was going to smooth this over, he thought.

"Jesus, Faye, I…I, that's not what I meant."

He slowly approached her, not sure if he should get too close. He cringed as he saw the tears rolling down her cheeks, and cursed himself for making her cry once again.

"Is that why you stopped caring so easily?" She asked with bitterness in her voice.

"Faye, I swear that's not what I meant. It…it just came out," he almost pleaded with her.

"It just happened, right?" She cruelly taunted, venom lacing her words.

"Fuck, Faye," Spike said with an exasperated sigh as he sat in the other chair at the table. "Just listen to me for a second, kay? No interruptions…just let me say this."

Reluctantly agreeing, Faye gave him a stiff nod and resigned herself to hearing him out. It was what she wanted, after all: an explanation. She could only imagine what he'd have to tell her, though.

Seeing her agree to hear him, Spike sucked in a deep breath and prepared to tell her everything. He still wasn't positive what "everything" was yet, but they'd both know by the end of this. He didn't even quite know where to start. But she deserved an explanation for everything he had put her through, and he deserved to try and truly understand why he had done things this way in the first place.

"Okay," he began as he leveled his gaze with hers, "the thing with Delilah, that's what her name was, was never supposed to happen. See, when I started going out after you got home from the hospital, I went to the same bar night after night and there was this waitress there. She always brought me my drinks and one night she stopped and talked to me.

"I don't know why I went home with her and I don't know why I slept with her, but I promise you that it didn't mean anything to me. I…I guess I can't say that 'it just happened', or that 'I didn't want to', I mean, I guess a part of me wanted to. But I honestly don't know why. That's the million woolong question, and I just don't have an answer for that.

"I guess I was just confused. I still am. That's not an acceptable answer, either, but I think it's the only way I can explain it. I…I was confused by how I felt and how I reacted after…after the baby died."

He saw visibly Faye stiffen as he started on the topic of their child. It would be the first time that they ever actually talked about what had happened, and neither knew how this would turn out.

"After the baby…well, died, I guess it hit me a lot harder than I thought it could. This was my kid, after all, but I didn't realize just how much I loved it…him, already. It's like I was afraid that having a kid would, you know, make me soft, and I was trying to 'be a man' and be strong…for you, I guess.

"I didn't want to cry and harp on the fact that we lost the baby, because that would never bring him back. And after wallowing in the past for so long, myself, I didn't want you stuck there, either. I see now that I went about things in such a wrong way. You're emotional, and I'm glad you are, when I think about it, but I thought that I was going to be so uncomfortable with you thinking about that all the time. I…I never thought about how I would feel if I thought about it all the time, so I didn't.

"But I'll say it now, and I'll swear it to you: I loved our son. I still do, and I would have given absolutely anything to have saved his life. Losing him, though, was like a total blow to me and my confidence, or whatever. I was your boyfriend," he paused, noticing Faye's strained look at the word "was", "and I was his father, and as the man, I was supposed to protect both of you.

"I failed at that, though. Like an idiot, I let you put your life at risk to go after that asshole. I knew that something was off, but I didn't listen to that. And when I realized that I couldn't keep you safe, I freaked out. What good could I be if I couldn't even save you, let alone our kid?

"I just started to shut down after that, I guess. I had fucked up big time in my mind, and I figured that I might as well just give up. When I…when I started this relationship with you, I was hesitant. I was just out of rehab and still kind of screwed up from that shit. And I was still thinking about Julia. I loved the woman, so I wasn't gonna forget about her that easily."

Faye looked away from him then, as he confirmed her thoughts about her. There was no winning when Julia was around, so it seemed to her.

"But I promise you, Faye, I loved you more than I did her. I love you more than I did her. Julia was a sweet woman and she knew how to treat me right. You, on the other hand, are a complete loon most of the time and you hardly ever do anything I tell you to. And that's why I love you more, because you challenge me every step of the way. You don't let me get away with shit that other women would, and I appreciate you so much for that.

"That doesn't mean that Julia's just going to disappear from my mind, though. She really was my first real...love, i guess you could say. But then came the parallels to the situations between you and her. I couldn't protect her, and I couldn't protect you. And I'm tired of losing the people that I care about. That's why I started treating you so bad. I wanted to prove to you that I was as useless as I felt I was.

"No matter what I did, though, you forgave me. I have no idea how you could be okay with what I did, but you were, and that made me so mad. You were supposed to hate me, but that wasn't the case. Hell, you even followed me, crutches and all, waited by the door while I fucked some whore, and then stayed with me all night long. And what for? All because you loved me. Now how does that make me feel?"

By then, Faye had brought her eyes back up to his again. The things that he was saying, as outrageous and crazy as they may have sounded, somehow made sense to her. But then again, Spike always seemed to make sense to her.

"It's almost like you felt obligated to love me, or something, and I didn't need your pity; I didn't want it. And even though there was absolutely nothing to suggest that you felt you had to feel that way, I guess I was too down on myself to see it otherwise. When you saw me with Delilah at the restaurant, though, I was positive that you'd finally see me that way that I see me, and that would be the end. Hell, it almost was, just not the way I had planned.

"I swear, I don't know how many prayers I said, but it was a lot. I'm tempted to believe that a God does exist, though, since you're here with me now. But seeing that car…," Spike wasn't even able to get the words out, it was still all too real for him, "my heart stopped. To lose you, too, was just going to do me in, I knew it."

Once again, Faye stared on at him. As far as she knew, he didn't care about her accident and what it did to her, but to hear him actually say thoes things...to hear him say that his heart stopped for her, turned her previous thoughts on their side.

"I never left your room while you were in that coma, do you know that? I was afraid that if I left, you'd die, and I refused to let you die alone. Even though the doctor said that you would be fine, I wasn't going to believe it until you woke up. And when you did, I wasn't able to be around you, knowing you were there because of me. I was disgusted with myself for your accident and everything else before that, but I was even more angry at some of the things I was thinking.

"I realized fast that I'd miss you so much more than our baby, and I felt like shit for thinking that. I shouldn't have felt that way, I guess, but I did. I know that it makes sense that I'd miss you more, seeing as though you've been with me through so much, but I still hated myself for thinking that.

"And then I started drinking again. I hadn't meant to, but I was so bummed out and down on myself, there was no way I could have said no. The first night I took my first drink again, was the same night I took my first hit again, too. I…I didn't get overly addicted this time around, if you could tell. I was still freaked out by how bad I got last time, so I just shot up a couple of times a week. It was self-control, even in the slightest bit. Some of the things the doc said back in rehab stuck well enough to keep me mostly sober.

"It doesn't change the fact, though; I relapsed. I'm sorry. And I'm hoping that sounds sincere, because I'm really trying to make it that way. I also gotta say it to Jet and Ed, too, but your forgiveness means the most to me right now."

Again, tears fell from Faye's eyes and Spike noticed that her eyes turned an amazing shade of sparkling jade when she cried. But he'd be okay if he never saw her eyes like that again, if it meant that she wouldn't cry.

"The reason I left last night was, well…by the bullets in the toilet, I guess you know why. Was I going to take the coward's way out? Hell yes, but I wouldn't be able to hurt you anymore. That's really all I wanted, all this time, was to stop hurting you. Guess I went about it the wrong way, huh?

"If…if it's any consolation, I couldn't 'perform' last night. I'm sure it really doesn't make you feel any better, but at least you know that I'm only 'mind-blowing' when I'm with you." An optimistic smile graced Spike's lips, then, as he hoped the joke would go over well with Faye. Her eye roll was a welcome sight.

"I would have preferred that you didn't see what you did last night," he began again in seriousness, "but I'm so glad you came. You may very well leave me now, and Christ knows I wouldn't blame you, but it's like you were my…well, I'm not going to call you my angel, you raise too much hell for that, but you were like my life preserver.

"I remember when I was deep into heroin, I heard Jet say something about not being able to save someone who willingly jumped overboard. Well, I don't think you showed up just by chance and I don't wanna drown anymore. I think the whole death thing is getting pretty old for me. And even if you're not gonna be a part of it anymore…maybe I'll stick with living for a while. I got nothing else better to do, after all."

He tossed a wink to the woman across from him and roughly swallowed his steadily drying throat. He reached for the vodka bottle to quench his thirst with, but quickly recoiled his hand as he remembered his sobriety…or lack there of at the moment. That was quite a monologue he had gone through, but those where things that had desperately needed to be said. When he heard himself say those things aloud and to Faye, he was convinced that his course of action was a stupid one, but then again, Spike was prone to stupid ideas more often than not.

Not sure what to say, or if there were words to be said in general, Faye gaped at the man across from her, amazed that she hadn't realized just how much he was hurting. Too wrapped up in her own grief over the loss of their baby, she had totally ignored his. She had believed that he didn't care, which was so far from the truth. And her inability to read him had allowed him to get into the current state that he was.

With the weight off his chest, the familiar feeling of guilt began to wash over Faye. What had she done? How had she let him get like this? Doing the only thing that she saw fit, Faye stood up on wobbly legs and all but launched herself into Spike's bare arms. It was an awkward position that she captured them in, with her barely on his lap in the small chair, but Spike held on to her nonetheless, both of them missing each other too much to be affected by the uncomfortable pose.

He held her while she cried, as he wondered why he was so afraid to let her express this emotion around him before. She held on equally as tight and felt his quieter tears drip through the shirt she wore. They both clung to each other in those moments, whereas Spike was the only one doing the clinging last night. But they didn't question one another, they just melted into each others embrace.

"What are you crying for?" Spike asked her light-heartedly.

"What am I not crying for?" She answered him, not as calmly as he had spoken. "I mean, all this time, I'm thinking that you don't give a damn about me or the baby, and then you tell me all of this? And you think you're the one who feels bad? You think I'm the one who feels obligated to love you? Christ, Spike, what are we doing to each other?"

Suddenly falling back into his protector role, realizing that he had probably never fallen out of it, he pulled Faye closer to him and stroked her back, taking comfort in the comfort he hoped he provided her.

"Don't try to take my glory, Faye," Spike said, nudging her playfully. "This isn't your fault. None of it. I was the screw up, and I let myself get this bad, not you. You tried to save me, and I wouldn't let it happen. But you're the reason I'm still here, so don't ever blame yourself for what I've done.

"And I guess we're just doing what we're supposed to be doing. At least for us, I guess. We're not normal, Faye," he chuckled lightly as he kissed her hair. "I think there's something about all this trouble that we go through for each other, that gets us off, or something. Masochists is what some would call us, I'm sure. But the shit that we put each other through seems to bring us back together in the end, so I don't question it. If…if you don't want to be a part of that anymore, though, than I totally understand, but I…"

"Stop trying to get rid of me," Faye said as she lifted her head to look at him. "If I haven't left you yet, then chances are, I'm not going to. Maybe I really am a masochist…or maybe I just love you too damn much."

Smiling at her, really smiling, Spike rested his forehead against hers and sighed an amazing sigh of relief. Though all of his fears were unfounded, and all of his antics wholly ridiculous and unnecessary, it looked like he'd break even. Maybe he'd learn a real lesson this time, that he didn't have to make his life hell. Maybe he'd finally realize that it was okay to love the woman in his arms, and that it was okay to just take life as it came at him.

"For the record, though," Faye began, "I don't think I really forgave you for the things you did. But...but I think I just chose to forget about them, instead."

"That doesn't make sense, Faye," Spike said as he slightly tensed at the subject.

"Yes, it does," she insisted. "I forgot because I didn't want to deal with it. I guess I thought that if it wasn't brought up anymore, then it wouldn't be a problem. And if it wasn't a problem, then we would be able to move on and stay together. It didn't quite work out that way, though..."

"Yeah...sorry about that."

"...Well," she started a few seconds later, "you're here with me, now...so I guess it all evens out in the end."

Nodding, Spike let out a little sigh, one of something kind of like relief.

"As for the baby...I...I'm glad you loved him. I loved him, too."

"Yeah..." Spike said, not sure if he could keep tears for his child from falling.

"Is it okay, though, if I don't really want to talk about that right now, though?"

"That's very fine," he reassured her.

Nodding slightly, Faye lay her head on his shoulder, as he lay his head on hers, and the two sat in silence for a while.

"Did you brush your teeth?" Faye asked him a few minute later, seemingly out of the blue.

"I don't have a toothbrush…why?" He asked suspiciously.

"Well, I kinda want to kiss you, since it's been a while and all, but I'd rather not kiss that woman, too," she smirked in an almost scathing way.

"Her name was 'Bunny Boo'. I was pretty desperate, wasn't I?"

"Bunny…Boo?" Faye uncharacteristically giggled. "You're joking, right?"

"Scout's honor," he said as he held up two fingers.

"Scout my ass. They'd never let you into the boy scouts."

His smile turned into a light grin as he pulled her into a simple hug. He didn't hug her nearly enough, he realized, and vowed to do so much more in the future.

"I guess I'll get dressed then, I'm very ready to get out of here and back home," he said as he helped her stand up.

"Because this place is so gross?" Faye asked.

"No…because I want to kiss you so bad," he said as he flashed her his trademark Spike Spiegel smirk.

All she could do was flick his slightly upturned nose and laugh at her cowboy and his interesting sense of humor.


so, emotional enough? angry enough? enough enough? i hope this whole chapter was believable. i didn't want lots of fights and all that jazz, b/c i think that in a situation like this, spike and faye are beyond fighting. i dunno...this is how i wanted it to go, so i hope it translated well to you all. so hopefully these two will get back home soon. i bet jet's pretty angry with their disappearances.

and to ayesha, i'm glad you liked the way things happened in the last chapter, instead of faye beating spike to a bloody pulp. although, that wouldn't have been a terrible alternative, i think.

okay, until next time then, and thanks for stopping by.

phoenix