Chapter Seventeen: I'll See You Through
If you ever need holding
Call my name, I'll be there
If you ever need holding
And no holding back, I'll see you through
Sky Blue and Black
Derek
He doesn't know how long he sits there, on the curb in the parking lot of the hospital. Finally he stands for no particular reason and reenters the hospital.
Once inside, he wanders inadvertently to the door to the OR where Meredith's being operated on. He stands outside for awhile, as if it will somehow make him feel closer to her and everything that's going on.
He leans against the wall across from the door, trying to get his mind to work in a logical manner. The reality that Meredith could die…that's all too obvious and close to him. Though denial and stubborn hope still exist in a small corner of his mind, there have been too many close calls…first the flatline, and then getting the page from Izzie. Even though, with the latter, nothing had been happening, he had been sure the page could only mean one thing…
After awhile of standing, Derek decides to return to the waiting room…the last thing he wants is another terrifying page from Izzie or George…
Alex
Dr. Shepard comes back into the waiting room and sits back in the same chair as before.
That's the most that's happened in the hour and a half since he and Christina had come back.
This waiting room. Where time stands still.
Alex's arm is around Izzie and she's leaning on his shoulder, her eyes closed. He doesn't know if she's sleeping or not. His arm's numb and tingling uncomfortably, but he doesn't dare shift it even a little.
He's not sure how much longer he can take this…the deafening silence occasionally punctuated by loud sighs or nervous tapping. He hates this. He wants to be doing something, know something. Waiting isn't good.
Izzie's head moves on his arm for the first time in an hour, and he glances down to see her looking up at him, blinking sleepily. "Hey."
"Hi."
Her eyes dart around the room. "There hasn't been any-"
"No, nothing. Which is good."
"Good." She repeats softly
Her eyes move away from Alex's face and he follows her gaze; she's looking at Derek.
"Poor guy." He says quietly.
Derek
More time passes. He has no sense of it anymore. If someone were to ask, he wouldn't be able to tell them how long it had been since Meredith had gone into surgery, how long since he'd come back in side, how long since they'd left Addison's room.
So when Bailey, Burke and the Chief come walking into the waiting room, he's not sure if he should panic or not.
Every eye in the room focuses on them, waiting.
The Chief smiles a little. "She made it through."
From the voices, movement, gasps behind him, Derek is dimly aware that the others are all reacting to the news. But he can't. His whole body is limp with relief, and his heart, which had seemed to stop beating when they'd walked in, is beginning to function at about ten times its normal rate to catch up for the lost time.
There are footsteps everywhere, and people are hugging, but Derek can't even move. He's trying to let his brain process the message. She made it through.
Dr. Bailey comes up to him and smiles. "You get that message, Shep? She made it."
"So…so she's fine?" His voice is shaking all over the place. "She's going to be okay?"
"Barring any complications…she should be as good as new."
He lifts his face to look at her. He takes in the way Bailey's smiling at him. And it hits him, completely and fully. His lips widen into a huge smile. He wants to remember this moment. He doesn't remember ever feeling so deliriously happy.
Derek can't recall a time he'd cried because he was happy, but it's happening right now. His eyes have gotten really accustomed to tears…they've been lingering in his eyes all night, and now he's crying again. But somehow this is different. This is better.
When he can finally talk, he asks, "Can I…can I see her?"
"She's in recovery right now." The Chief put in from behind them. "She should be awake very soon. I wouldn't suggest too many people seeing her at once."
Meredith's friends look at each other. Then Christina, who's standing with Burke's arm wrapped around her, locks her eyes with Derek's. "You go." She smiles at him, probably the most sincere smile Derek's ever gotten out of her. He returns it.
"What room?"
The Chief barely lets Meredith's new room number escape his mouth when Derek is gone.
Christina
She leans into Burke, her head against his chest, suddenly completely exhausted from the previous drama and the sheer relief that's happening now.
She and the others watch Derek take off from the room. Burke leans down toward her ear, "You look exhausted."
She looks up at him. "So do you."
He shrugs. "Tough surgery. Long surgery."
"The wait wasn't so great, either." She retorts.
He smiles down at her, his eyes full of understanding. "I'm sure it wasn't." He pauses. "You want to get out of here? Get some sleep?"
She hesitates a little, here yes unconsciously darting to the corridor Derek had just disappeared down, headed to the recovery wing.
"Shep will be in there awhile, I'm guessing."
She nods in agreement. "Yeah, you're right. We can see Meredith tomorrow."
"We can." He repeats in an assuring voice.
Izzie
She hadn't realized properly how exhausted she is until the fear and the anxiousness had been allowed to fall away.
She walks out of the hospital with the others (minus Derek, of course), having decided that they would let him have exclusive visiting time until they come back.
She walks out with Alex, and the two of them lingered behind Christina, Burke and George, all three of whom were chatting enthusiastically in an attempt to cement this new, better mood and relieve the great tension that had covered them for hour after hour tonight.
She glances up at him a couple times before speaking. "Thank you. For being so great through all this."
He smiles a little. "It's nothing."
She smiles. "You surprise me, Alex."
He grins. "That's nice to know. I hate being predictable."
She giggles a little, thinking how good it feels to smile, to laugh. "I'm serious. You put out this big macho, 'I-don't-care-about-anyone-but-me' attitude. But when the chips are down, you step up. Tonight, when Meredith was going to leave and you stuck up for her with Christina…" She shrugs. "It's surprising is all."
"What can I say? I'm a surprising guy."
"You should be like that more often." She turns to face him at this comment. After the slightest hesitation, he leans down, placing his hand firmly on her lower back and kisses her.
"Surprising enough?"
Izzie smiles to herself. No, that wasn't surprising. That was exactly what she had been hoping for when she gave him that line.
"Yes. That was very surprising."
Alex grins, pleased with himself, and slips his arm around her. "Well, I'm a surprising guy."
Izzie leans into him, and repeats, "You're a surprising guy."
Bailey
She walks through the hall toward Addison's room, having remembered that it might be a good idea to give her an update, since no one else will probably think to.
She's feeling extremely good right now. It wasn't until halfway through that surgery that she'd allowed herself to admit the truth: she hadn't thought Meredith was going to make it.
It hadn't been easy. It had taken a long time, several close calls, a lot of blood…but it was worth it. Just seeing that smile on Derek's face, or on any of her friends, just knowing Meredith would be waking up soon and be okay…it was so worth it.
She's actually smiling when she walks into Addison's room, but the smile fades, because Bailey's surprised to see that Addison is also smiling. And there's a guy sitting on the edge of her bed.
The sympathy Bailey had been feeling for Addison is ebbing considerably. She has no idea if Meredith's okay, yet she's up here smiling and having a pleasant visit with some man.
Addison looks at her and her face pales slightly, taking in Bailey's glare and clearly thinking it means something else. "Is Meredith…." She trails off, her voice shaking a little.
Bailey can't get rid of the edge in her voice. "She made it." She starts to say something sarcastic (Congratulations, no manslaughter charge for you!) but Addison smiles so widely that Bailey swallows the comment.
"She's…she's okay?"
Bailey nods a little. "She's fine." Then, because she can't resist, she backs up, saying, "Sorry to have disturbed you."
Derek
He sits in the chair next to her bed without moving, just stroking her hair, holding her hand, and blinking back tears. She's okay. She looks absolutely no different than she did before the surgery, but everything is different. There's no fear, no terror, no guilt…just happiness, and hope.
He's there almost an hour, just watching her, when her eyes flutter a bit and a small moan escapes from her lips. Her eyes open finally and she glances around, settling on his face. "Derek?", she whispers weakly.
He can't help; he tears up again and squeezes her hand reassuringly. "Yeah, Mer, it's okay. I'm right here."
Her eyes are becoming more alert. "Are we…are we at the hospital?"
"Yeah. Yeah, we are. Do you remember what happened?" She shakes her head, looking a little scared. "You were in a car accident. You don't remember?"
She closes her eyes for a moment, then opens them. Her voice is questioning. "Addison…she was driving? She was drunk."
"Yeah. She was."
"Oh…" Meredith pauses. "Is she…alright." Her voice is coming out small and breathless.
"Yeah, she's fine." Derek rubs his thumb across her finger, something he'd always done out of habit. "And so are you, Mer."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah."
She studies him for a moment, then her eyes fill slowly with tears. "Derek?"
"Yeah?"
"I love you."
He swallows against the lump in his throat and moves from the chair to the edge of the bed, gingerly putting an arm around her, and saying in a cracked voice, "I love you, too." He rests his forehead gently against the side of her head, and whispers, "Promise don't ever scare me like that again."
Her voice is a whisper, too. "Promise."
She closes her eyes then, and they stay like that for the rest of the night.
He doesn't sleep, but he suspects that she does. A nurse comes in to check on them after awhile, and he indicates silently that she's awake. Derek is content to just lie there with, listening to her breathe.
When she wakes up again, she seems to have more awareness and energy, and wants to know about her surgery. He tells her as much as he can, but just talking about it makes him want to scream. He can't get through the story of the flat line without breaking down.
"Thank you." She tells him quietly. "For not giving up." Her voice is shaking violently, and he kisses her softly.
"I wasn't going to lose you. I couldn't. But…" His voice breaks. "I was so scared, Mer…"
"Me, too." She tells him, her eyes glistening with tears. "In the car, I mean. I didn't know what to do…" She pauses for a moment, apparently lost in thought, then says, "You know when you proposed?"
God, he'd nearly forgotten. Now, his hands go automatically to the ring still in his pocket. "Yeah."
"Well…." She smiles at him. "Yes."
His eyes widened, and though his first instinct is joy, he forces himself to swallow it. "Mer, it's okay. There's no pressure. Maybe it was crazy for me to ask, this soon, I understand if you're not sure…I don't mind, I'll wait for you as long as you need, I'm here."
"Derek, listen. I'm serious. Yes. I want to marry you."
He studies her hard, and a smile tugs at his lips. "You said something like this to me when I was in the accident…you've just been through a pretty traumatic experience, and you need to think about what you really want-"
Meredith
She puts her finger on his lips to silence him. "Shut up, okay? It's not doing you any good." She smiles at him, then goes on, "When I was in that car with Addison, I knew what she was going to do. She told me, and I'm not stupid enough to think I could have stopped her if she was serious. And in that split second when I saw those headlights I…all I could think about was how I was going to die how much time we've wasted being stupid and not being together…"
She swallows a little, then speaks firmly, "The point is, I don't care anymore, about taking my time. I want to be with you. I don't want to overanalyze everything, I don't want to be too afraid to make myself happy. I want simple, just like we talked about the other night in the airport. And the simple thing is…I love you, and there's nothing I want more than to spend the rest of my life with you." Her throat is tight, but she's smiling she finishes up with, "I'm done being stupid, and I'm done being scared. So, my answer is yes. And don't tell me that I'm not sure, because I'm sure as hell."
He's smiling, now, too, and he fumbles around his pocket for the ring and opens it up. "Let me do this right…Meredith Grey, will you marry me?"
She laughs a little, tears gathering under her eyes and beginning to roll down her cheeks. "Yes."
He slips it on her finger, then takes her face in his hands and kisses her intensely.
XXXXXXX
Three days later, Meredith's been bombarded by her friends, Dr. Webber, and Bailey, who have been in and out of her room the whole time. Derek hasn't left anymore than he has to. She's able to go home, though she can't work for another two weeks.
Derek carries the suitcase Izzie and George had brought her the first day after she woke up as they walk out of her room. They're halfway down the corridor when Addison is in front of them, dressed in her casual clothes, on her way to a meeting with the Chief.
Derek's eyes harden instantly, and Meredith regards her uncertainly.
Addison's face reddens, and she looks at the floor, then meets Meredith's eyes with what appears to be a great deal of difficulty. "I don't know what to say. I'm so sorry-"
"I know." Meredith says quietly. She can't bring herself to tell Addison it's all right, not yet, but she does believe her. "I know you are."
"And thank you. For coming with me. You didn't have to…" She trails off uncertainly.
"I know that, too." Meredith repeats, simply because there's nothing else to say. She offers Addison a small smile and she and Derek head to the door.
"You're better than I am." He tells her as they leave the hospital. "I can't forgive it."
"I'm not forgiving it. I never said I did. But I believe she's sorry. Besides…" She turns to look at him, all seriousness. "It didn't turn out so bad."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. It woke me up. I'm not wasting anymore time being without you. This accident…it made me see how important you are."
He leans down and kisses her softly. "Me, too. It made me want to stop anything like this to ever happen to you again. I don't want you to be scared like that, or hurt…I… I just want to protect you. Forever."
"Forever, huh?" She slips her left hand into his, smiling down at the sparkling diamond ring. "Do I have your word on that?"
He smiles. "You do."
She laughs. "Sounds like you got the wedding vows backwards."
He grins. "It does, doesn't it?" He glances at the engagement ring. "Better start practicing for that wedding." He pauses, then says with mock thoughtfulness. "You know, we could just elope this weekend."
"Um, no."
"Oh, come on, Mer. You're supposed to be on the whole seize the day kick. Carpe diem!"
"Yeah? Well there's a few things wrong with that idea. One, there's a divorce to finalize." He frowns. "And two, I need time to plan. As much work as this relationship has been, I deserve a great wedding."
"Well, I'm the groom, what more do you need?" He waggles his eyebrows.
They've reached the car, and she laughs and he leans against the door, grinning. "I can't believe I'm about to say this, but I really missed you being all arrogant."
"Ooh, you're going to regret that."
"Probably."
Derek laughs and pushes a strand of hair from her eyes. "So you got any plans tonight?"
"No. Why? Are you suggesting a second date? Because the first one had a proposal, and then later that night you saved my life. So this is going to have to be pretty good."
"That's a lot of pressure."
"You can handle it."
"You think?"
"Yeah. Both of us you know…we can handle-"
"-anything." He finishes for her. Then, just because he feels like it, and because he's been finding 'moments' anytime he can, he leans down to kiss her.
She smiles up at him. True, they've handled a lot. But its all been worth it.
A/N So that was the conclusion. Hard to write for some reason, but I ended up liking the happiness. I have really loved this story and appreciate everyone who's reviewed it. I don't really want to do an epilogue, cuz I'm not good at them, but I will if anyone really wants one. However, I wrote half of this chapter to end the story a different way, much sadder, but personally I think its well written and dramatic. If you guys want me to post it as an 'alternate ending' (personally, I think its worth reading) and can tell me that you'll review, just mention it in the review. Also, check out my new story "Face Down" (another angst one, very MerDer, and quite interesting for me to write since it's in first person) and look for a Jigsaw update in the next few days
