Chapter 36 - Finding balance
Present day - March
Rose POV
Dimitri was barely functioning and it scared me. I was used to him being in charge and composed, but he was all over the place.
Right now he was lying on his bed, reading his worn out book. I was on the other bed reading the book they had gotten me for my birthday. I had barely gotten past the first chapter, my gaze constantly flicking over to Dimitri.
He was closed off and only responded to direct questions, and even then only with one syllable words. Barely functioning and all over the place was probably an exaggeration, but he felt off. It was in the small things that I noticed that he wasn't really himself. For starters, when we got to our room he accidentally left one of our bags outside after he had placed it down on the ground to open the door. When I had briefly opened the door to grab the bag he hadn't even reacted, his face the expressionless mask that only guardians could perfect. Truth to be told, he was making me a bit uncomfortable. He just reminded me of the guardians at the Institution right now.
I put down the book and sighed, wiggling my feet on the bed and looking around the room. It was the same as the others, worn out and plain. This one had a small kitchenette though, and based on Dimitri's grunt after I had tried to convince him to go outside to grab some food I was sure we would stay in and prepare something ourselves.
Perhaps sensing my restlessness, Dimitri got up and made his way to the bathroom. I could hear the water running in the faucet, and a few minutes later he emerged with sparkling silver in his hand. He had cleaned his stake, which also seemed a bit off. The Dimitri I had grown to know, admittedly not that well, would've cleaned it immediately and made sure it was ready for the next time he needed it. I suppressed a shiver and pushed the images of the unmoving bodies of the Strigoi from my mind.
He stood in front of my bed and looked down at his stake for a while before he spoke.
"Have you seen a Strigoi before?"
I was startled that he had spoken to me after being so silent all afternoon, and his tone was clipped. "No," I answered quietly. His gaze snapped to me, analyzing me.
"Why did you think Strigoi would come for you when I caught you in the forest?"
I tried to gather my scrambled thoughts and looked away from his hard stare. I wasn't sure what he was talking about. "I, uh, I don't know."
"When I caught you after the raid, I said that they will come for us and you thought that I meant Strigoi. So I ask you again, why did you think Strigoi would come?"
"I don't know."
"Look at me," he ordered. I hesitantly did, not even sure why I did as he told me to since I didn't want to look at him, I just wanted to be left alone. I felt like I was with Igor right now whenever he was in a foul mood, although Dimitri was more composed. "Answer my question. Why did you think Strigoi would come?"
No way. I did not want to revisit that memory, the mangled body of the small boy that I had stumbled upon. He took a step towards me and I got up on the other side of the bed, thankful for the sense of barrier it provided between us.
"Have you seen a Strigoi before?" he repeated his first question, his accent more pronounced than usual.
"No, sir."
I froze. Dimitri's tone had been so hard and demanding, sounding so much like how the guardians at the Institution would speak to me that I hadn't even thought twice about addressing him like that. It was so fully ingrained in me to say that when I spoke to my superiors, and that was exactly how he felt at this very moment.
I barely noticed that he flinched before I hurried towards the bathroom and locked myself in it. My breaths came in desperate drags as I tried to steady myself. This was a new side of Dimitri that I hadn't seen. All the times before, when I had thought that I'd seen his guardian side, was really a watered down version of it. I didn't know how to wrap my head around the fact that my Dimitri could act in the cold and demanding manner as I was used to at the Institution. And most of all, I didn't understand why he would act that way.
But deep down I knew why he was this way.
This was all my fault. It was my fault that we were attacked and it was my fault that Spiridon left. I knew that Spiridon would be back, but it still made me uneasy to see him gone. I heard most of what they had said to each other after the attack when I was sitting in the backseat of the car waiting for them.
I had distracted them, mostly Dimitri. I had prevented them from doing their duty. I had taken so much resources and time from them that they had slipped, again, mostly Dimitri. I cringed as I thought about Spiridon's reminder, that this was about something bigger. I knew there were others like me, others who weren't able to sleep safely through the night and here I was monopolizing two of the guardians dedicated to help girls like me. And boys, Eddie and Mason were also victims at one point. I was just so selfish and the realization made it hard for me to face my reflection in the mirror. I thought about showering, but I didn't want to take my clothes off right now, in case this cold Dimitri would barge in. So I closed the toilet lid and sat on it, fidgeting with my hands in front of me.
I thought about how Spiridon had yelled to Dimitri about getting information out of me, and I knew that I would have to share a lot more information than I had so far. It was just hard to face everything that had happened and I wanted to do it on my own terms. For so long I had belonged to something else, and the promise of some kind of freedom, some kind of independence had been overwhelming and all-consuming.
I had forgotten my place.
I felt that a part of my soul was left inside that run-down bathroom as I unlocked the door and stepped into the other room with a renewed sense of duty, and ever so despondent. It felt as if a suffocating blanket was drawn over me, pushing me back into servitude.
Dimitri stood in the same place as before, but I ignored him. I walked over to the kitchenette with brisk steps and started going through the food we had brought with us, effectively blocking him out. There wasn't anything fresh except eggs, bell-peppers and tomatoes. I could make an omelet, maybe something else on the side. I felt his eyes on me but I ignored him, nervous that he would start questioning me again so harshly.
I opened all the drawers but I couldn't find a decent knife to cut the vegetables with. Reluctantly I turned towards the guardian behind me but kept my gaze at his feet when I asked if he had a knife I could borrow.
I kept my eyes on his combat boots as he closed the distance between us, stopping in front of me. "I'll do it, you can go rest."
I wanted to sigh in relief that he wasn't so harsh towards me anymore, but I couldn't forget my place. "I can do it. Is an omelet okay?"
He didn't answer me, nor did he hand me a knife. I felt like I had displeased him somehow but I couldn't understand why, I was behaving like the guardians at the Institution expected me to.
"Why did you call me sir?" he asked eventually, and despite an effort to be more gentle I heard the sharpness in his tone.
"Uh-" I didn't know what to say. I still didn't dare to look at him, afraid that he would reveal more unpleasant sides of him.
"Rose, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have demanded answers like that, it was wrong of me."
I shifted anxiously on my feet, not knowing what to say and how to act to please him. A part of me wanted to reassure him that he hadn't done anything wrong but the words died on my tongue. "Would you please look at me?" he pleaded.
I raised my gaze and looked at his face, somewhat relieved to see that his expression had softened a bit.
"Please don't call me sir. It makes me feel-" he trailed off and cleared his throat. "I'm not your superior. We're equals."
I frowned, and if he hadn't been so reassuring in his composure and expression I would have believed it was a trick of some sort. But this was my Dimitri in front me, not the cold guardian anymore. He took his knife from his pocket and shifted it so that he held the blade. I tentatively grabbed the handle and turned around towards the counter again.
"You might want to rinse it off a bit before cutting food with it. I'll help you with dinner."
"Are you enjoying your book?"
I looked up and noticed that he was observing me again. Dinner had been a quiet affair, and afterwards I had taken as much distance to Dimitri as possible.
"Yes I am, thank you for giving it to me," I said in a formal voice and returned to my book.
"Rose." I put the bookmark in and closed the book in my lap, already guessing that he wanted to talk. "About earlier, are you okay?"
"I'm okay."
He nodded to himself but it was clear that he wasn't convinced. "I understand that things have been rough, I shouldn't have pushed you like that. I'm no better than Spiridon."
"It's okay," I said and I truly meant it. He had done what was expected of him, he had tried to get information out of me. He hadn't done anything wrong, it was me who had gotten everything twisted. I was at fault because I had forgotten my place.
I could tell that he was about to say something else, but I spoke before him. "I saw someone die. When I was younger. Or no, that wasn't really what happened." I felt like I was rambling, hurrying with my words. "I didn't see him die, but one time this boy disappeared, they all said that he had run away. A couple of days later I tried to look for the lake and ended up lost in the woods around the Institution, and then suddenly I saw the body of the boy. He looked so broken. His neck had been torn and it was just-" I trailed off. I looked down at my hands holding the book and continued with a steadying breath. "I mean the world is just full of Strigoi, right? Our teacher taught us about them and we learned so many cautionary tales about their attacks. I didn't really believe it until I saw the boy, but he had probably been killed the second he stepped outside the wards, a Strigoi lurking there. That was also a big reason why none of us tried to run away I think, at least for me it was."
Dimitri seemed to contemplate my words so I looked up only to find him looking at me with a puzzled face. "Strigoi aren't as common as one might think. There are plenty of them out there, but they are unorganized and somewhat controlled in their numbers. For something like that to have happened, perhaps the Strigoi was there for a reason. But of course, it could've been extremely bad luck for the boy."
"Like the bad luck we had last night?"
"That wasn't bad luck, we should've known better. Strigoi often gather close to Court in hope of catching Moroi off guard. But instead they caught us off guard, which was entirely my fault."
Once again, Dimitri's tone was clipped. I heard the words, but they were said in such anger that I shivered slightly.
"Do you think you and Spiridon will be okay?"
"Eventually."
"About that, I just wanted you to know that I'm really sorry for taking so much time and side-railing you into forgetting your duty. I promise that won't happen again, I can't believe I've been so selfish," I said in a small voice.
I didn't dare to look at him but I heard him take a deep breath, and I tensed up and readied myself for at least a verbal lash out. I wanted to curl up when I heard him get closer and I felt the bed shift as he sat down next to me. Instead of raising his voice, he sighed deeply. "Rose, you have not been selfish. Is this what this afternoon has been all about?"
"I forgot my place, my own sense of duty."
"And what duty is that?" he asked in an icy tone. I tried to get up from the bed but the second I shifted his hand darted out and lightly grabbed my shoulder. His action made me look up and I saw such deep sadness in his eyes I was taken aback.
"You have nothing to be sorry for. I shouldn't have acted the way I did, and I'm sorry. Please don't think it was in any way a reflection of your behavior. I'm angry because I almost lost you, entirely because of my own stupid actions. I lost focus, and admittedly have been taking some freedom with you. It's been hard to sort out the turmoil of finding you. I spent so much time looking for you, imagining what it would be like to get you to safety. And it's been so much more than I could've ever imagined. And you're so much more than I ever imagined. I'm just struggling to find a balance between being your friend and being your guardian, and today was just me taking the latter too far. Nothing has changed nor do you have anything to apologize for. You have not been selfish, and there is no duty for you here with Spiridon and I but to heal and stay safe. I understand you've had your place," he said with distaste, "but I assure you your place is here with us, as our equal." With a slight squeeze he released my shoulder, and got up. "You should make yourself ready for bed, I'll do a final round," he said over his shoulder just before he disappeared outside.
I woke up before Dimitri, and could only guess that he had spent half of the night awake guarding me. Instead of getting up, I stayed in bed and laid on my side facing Dimitri. He was lying on his side too, breathing deeply.
He looked so much younger when he was asleep. His face was relaxed and there was a slight smile tugging on his lips. I followed the pleasant angles of his face, taking my time doing so. I took in his tanned skin and the slight stubble, his full lips that seemed slightly dry. His tongue darted out and moistened his lower lip, his dark eyelashes fluttered against his cheeks just before he shifted and turned to his back. One of his hands pulled most of his blanket away from his body.
My gaze trailed down. His broad chest was moving in slow and steady movements. His chest seemed well defined through his t-shirt and I noticed how the fabric of his t-shirt strained against the muscles in his shoulder and arm. He had some darker hair on his forearm that was draped over his stomach, and underneath it I saw that his t-shirt had hunched up revealing a strip of the tanned skin of his stomach. I could almost see the same trail of hair that had haunted me so much since I'd seen him in his towel. Instead of focusing on that I let my gaze continue my illicit exploration and noticed instead that he had something in his pocket. I frowned, looking at his shorts. It didn't really make any sense, I didn't really understand what was causing that bulge, and from my angle I couldn't really see. I raised my head slightly and almost choked when I realized what I was looking at.
He didn't have anything in his pocket. I was blatantly staring at Dimitri's erection.
I immediately closed my eyes and felt the embarrassment creep up my cheeks, all the way to my hairline and even my ears. I knew the basics of male anatomy, I should've known from the start. I shifted slightly, drawing my blanket up. I would've covered my entire face but settled on bunching it under my chin, focusing on breathing steadily. My movements seemed to have made Dimitri stir, and suddenly I heard him shift. I risked a quick peak and noticed that he had pulled his blanket over him, effectively covering his groin.
I closed my eyes again and heard him move again. He seemed to shuffle around for a bit before I heard his steps. I couldn't help myself, I peaked again.
He was walking over to the bathroom with quiet steps, probably trying not to wake me up. His hoodie was in front of him blocking his erection from unwanted attention. He closed the door silently, but the sound of the lock turning seemed to almost echo in the room. I heard him turn on the shower and I burned bright red thinking about what I had seen.
Dimitri had prepared breakfast for us and refused to let me help. Instead I tried to read my book and failed again and again. My mind kept returning to how I had now twice seen more of Dimitri than I knew he wanted me to see. I couldn't help but feel guilty for the intrusion of his privacy. But among that guilt was the same fascination that I didn't understand. It felt as if my mind was morbidly curious about seeing more of him and I couldn't help my wandering thoughts.
"Sorry we didn't get a room with a tv."
I looked up and noticed that he was standing by the feet of my bed.
"It's okay, I haven't watched that much of it anyways. There was one in the guardian quarters but it wasn't like we would hang out there."
He contemplated my words for a while. "But you have watched tv before?"
I nodded. "On the third floor the headmistress had one as well, sometimes I would sneak up there when I knew she was away. I found it after our headmaster stopped showing up and that floor was empty for several months."
"What was the name of the headmistress? Or the headmaster?"
I watched him move towards his bed and sit down while I tried to recall if I had ever heard their names before. I frowned when I realized that I hadn't, and shook my head solemnly.
"It's okay, don't worry about it. What did they look like? Were they Moroi?"
It was such an easy question, but for some reason the answer seemed to slip my mind. Whenever I tried to think back exactly how they looked, the memories were slipping through my fingers like water, or perhaps something more slick like oil leaving an unpleasant residue. It was such an odd, unpleasant sensation of not suddenly remembering their appearances enough to answer Dimitri's question. I started shaking and shook my head violently. My palms pressed into my forehead as I tried to grip the answer I so obviously knew, and I squeezed my eyes shut in frustration.
He grabbed my wrists and gently lowered my hands, and I opened my eyes. He was kneeling in front of me, eyes full of concern yet obviously assessing the situation.
"I don't understand what's wrong with me."
Instead of holding onto my wrists he let go of them and leaned back a bit, our eyes level despite the fact he was on the floor.
"It's alright Rose, nothing is wrong with you."
I felt a single tear roll down from the corner of my eye and his warm, rough hand palmed my cheek, his thumb wiping away the tear. I didn't entirely understand why I was so sad, but it felt good not having to pretend for a moment. He withdrew his hand and got up.
He walked over to his bag and pulled out some kind of screen thing. I wasn't sure if I had ever seen one before, which made me think that I probably hadn't.
He sat down next to me on the bed and held it between us.
"The quality isn't going to be the best on the tablet, but Spiridon downloaded a couple of movies on this. We might not have a tv, but you could watch something if you'd like?"
I nodded quietly, stunned by his gesture. He started swiping back and forth on the screen as it came to life. "I hope you like action movies, either Die Hard or Terminator 2."
"I haven't heard of either. Could you please choose?" I asked in a small voice.
"I think Spiridon will be mad if I let you watch Terminator without him, he will not forgive me if I take away the opportunity for him to quote Schwarzenegger. And he's probably going to want to watch the first one with you before the sequel."
I didn't really understand what he meant so I stayed quiet, observing his long fingers getting the movie ready to play. He handed me the tablet and shifted to stand up when he noticed my puzzled look. "Do you want us to watch it together?" he asked.
I felt really shy all of the sudden so I just nodded, keeping my gaze on the tablet. He took back the tablet and pressed play, keeping it between us. He had kept his distance when he sat down but the old, worn out bed dipped making me slide slightly towards him.
Not long into the movie, just after the man had taken off his shoes, I started to feel my back ache from being so rigid. I had to keep myself tense in order not to sag towards Dimitri, and the slight dip in the bed was making it hard to stay upright. I must've shifted more than I realized since Dimitri paused the movie.
He stood up and turned towards me with a polite smile. "Why don't you lie down and lean towards the headboard?" he said and walked towards the little kitchenette. I thought he was going to make us a snack but instead he grabbed a chair and placed it down next to the bed. I got comfy and rested against the headboard while he sat down on the chair and pressed play, holding the tablet between us in an awkward position. It didn't look comfortable at all for him, but he didn't complain or say anything.
After ten more minutes or so even I started getting uncomfortable with his rigidness and the way he must've had to tense his arm to allow me to see the movie. I thought about it for a moment, thinking if I could really be so brave and offer him an alternative to the chair. With a side glance I made up my mind. Dimitri had done so much for me, making sure he was able to be comfortable was the least I could do. I knew I had to use an excuse since he would probably just dismiss my concern about his comfort.
"Uh Dimitri, I can't really see that well. Maybe you should lie down next to me instead?"
He looked between the tablet and I, analyzing the situation. I felt a bit awkward as I waited for his decision, but kept silent. With a curt nod and an expressionless face he paused the movie again, returning the chair to its rightful place. I moved over so that my butt was almost outside the bed to give him as much room as possible. He seemed to pause once more, observing me with those deep brown eyes, gauging the situation. Perhaps he was trying to be sure that I felt comfortable with him so close to me. With gentle steps he walked over and sat down on the bed, the same bed, my bed, resting against the headboard next to me. He was so close that my side was touching his, and his warmth seeped through my clothes. It was oddly comforting.
The whole situation was absurd. Here I was, lying on a bed with a guardian watching a movie. And not just any guardian. I pinched myself slightly but immediately regretted it as it was clear that my action had caught Dimitri's attention. I looked up with a sheepish expression before averting my gaze, trying to focus on the movie. His eyes had been expressionless, and it somehow felt as if he was in his guardian mode despite lounging on the bed with me.
Even though the movie progressed, he did not relax at all. Perhaps this was a guardian thing, being able to stay alert and tense for longer periods of time. I, on the other hand, did not manage the same. After a while I had to press myself against Dimitri in order not to have to balance on the edge of the bed. He didn't seem to mind, but on the other hand he didn't seem to like it. I felt self-conscious and nervous being so close to him, but decided that it was good practice not to flinch and get nervous every time a man was close to me. And I wasn't lounging next to any man, I was with Dimitri.
My Dimitri.
