Clarke and Niylah
Chapter Four
THREE WEEKS LATER:
It had been five months since Clarke and her friends ended up back on Earth. And, while they had biologically only aged seven years, thanks to cryogenics, they were living on Earth 132 years after the original 100 juvenile prisoners were sent to the planet in the drop ship, to serve as the Ark's canary. It was now early fall, and the last 14 human beings to live on any planet in the universe were proud of the fact that they had just finished the large community center building and Niylah's workshop and home. They continued to work on the rest of the cabins that were all in different stages of construction, but the two largest buildings were done, complete with stone fireplaces and plastic windows, that they hoped would be temporary. There was no surviving glass they could use for the windows, so until they could figure out how to perfect the art of making glass, they were using sheets of white plastic they harvested from the bunker to allow daylight into the rooms. It wasn't ideal, because they couldn't see out, but it would keep the weather at bay, and allow some light to filter in, so they would not have to rely on candles during the day. Of course, once they had the solar panels up and running, light wouldn't be a problem…still, there was something about natural light that helped with any claustrophobia caused from long hours of being indoors.
Clarke stood outside Niylah's completed workshop, silently going over in her mind what she wanted to say to her friend. The ease of their friendship was slowly coming back…but it was too slow for Clarke's liking. She was tired of not being able to be her true self around Niylah. She could sometimes feel a physical ache when thinking about how they used to be with each other, afraid they may never be able to be as they were on the day she and Bellamy left to go get Raven. She'd had such hope back then for what they could be to each other. So, she woke up that morning determined to talk with Niylah…to get it all out in the open. To explain her own hesitations and to find out how Niylah felt about her, about Octavia. Taking a deep breath, she stepped into the large, welcoming room. Niylah was across the workshop, standing in the area dedicated to preparing the multitude of plants for the different needs of the community. Concentrating on crushing something in the large mortar with the pestle she had created from scrap material found in the bunker, at first Niylah didn't hear Clarke come in. However, she looked up when the cool breeze from the open door reached her. "Hi," she said, feeling a bit of excitement roll down her arms, something that was common when she saw Clarke unexpectedly.
Clarke smiled at the beautiful woman, looking completely at home surrounded by dried plants and a line of containers holding different mixtures of medicines, spices, and teas. "Hi," she responded. "Do you have a couple minutes?" she followed up.
"Yes." As was her style of speaking, Niylah dropped her voice for the first part of the word, then brought it back up for the 's', thereby making it two syllables. Clarke, who had always loved this little quirk of Niylah's couldn't help but smile.
"Take a walk with me?' she asked, cocking her head toward the door.
"Sure," Niylah quickly responded, before setting down the pestle, then placing a cover over the half-crushed leaves in the mortar.
The two women walked side by side toward the beach in a companionable silence. One of Clarke's favorite places was a bench that they had built on a hidden moss-covered ledge. It looked out over the bay that bordered their camp and the mountains that rose on the other side. They had built a fire pit in front of the bench, so you could sit in warmth for as long as you wanted, taking in the beauty of their surroundings. Even though only five of them were actually born on Earth, it had captured the heart and soul of them all, and there wasn't one of them who didn't consider it 'home.'
After they worked together to build a fire, both women sat on the bench, angling their bodies to face each other. Just when the silence felt like it had gone on too long, Clarke met Niylah's eyes. "Are you happy?" she asked.
For a moment, Niylah was startled by the unexpected question, but from the look on her face, she could see that Clarke's interest was sincere. "Yes," she smiled. "I'm happy to be back home…to feel the ground beneath my feet." She looked out at the water, then back to Clarke. "I'm happy to be surrounded by good friends...to be able to work with my hands again, instead of holding a gun. I'm happy to not have to wake each day, wondering if we will have to battle once again for our safety." She breathed in the fresh, sweet air. "This is so much better than spending my days in space."
Clarke smiled. "You didn't like living in space?" Niylah shuttered. "Humans were meant to live on the ground, not locked in a metal can surrounded by black emptiness."
Clarke laughed at this answer. "When you are born in space, and it's all you know..." Clarke's voice tapered off. It was her turn to look out at the water. "No, you're right. Even when living in space, we all still dreamed of what it would be like to live on Earth. It was something all Skaikru had in common. And, once you feel the ground beneath your feet, I agree, there's no going back."
The two women sat watching the flames of the fire, the only sound the crackling of the burning wood.
Clarke took a deep breath, knowing it was time for the hard part of the conversation, but she needed to do this if their friendship had any chance of being substantial again. "Is it hard for you to watch Octavia with Levitt every day?"
Niylah looked at Clarke in confusion. "Hard? Why would it be hard to see Octavia in love and finally at peace?"
"I know how much you loved her and how loyal you are to her. I just thought that..." Clarke stopped talking, both relieved and a bit confused by Niylah's answer.
Realization dawned on Niylah as to what Clarke was asking, and a wave of relief flowed through her body. So many of Clarke's actions over the last five months now made sense. "Clarke," she said softly. "My love for Octavia is that of a sister, not a lover." She tentatively reached out and laid her hand on Clarke's. "When you left to bring Raven back to the bunker, your people had to choose who among them would be part of the 100 to survive, and who would burn. They were angry and scared. One of them questioned why I was there, maybe taking a place meant for them, so a group of them attacked me, ready to throw me out. Octavia stepped in and saved me. She didn't need to do what she did. It was then I vowed to be loyal to her. When you didn't come back and it was clear there would be no rescue for us, we began to spend more time together. I liked her very much as a person and respected her as a leader..."
Clarke opened her mouth to interrupt with a remark about Blodrina, but Niylah gently squeezed her hand and continued. "Even when I didn't agree with her, I owed her my loyalty." Smiling at Clarke, she added, "Just as I didn't always agree with some of your decisions. Octavia and I became very good friends over the years, but neither of us wanted more."
Clarke, who was experiencing her own flood of relief at Niylah's words, even though she wasn't sure she had a right to, closed her eyes and remembered back to the time when she had to face Niylah after locking the door to the bunker, effectively murdering all of humanity except for the 472 citizens of Arcadia that she and Jaha had secretly moved into the bunker, while the Grounders were busy fighting each other. She was killing Niylah's people, and going against what she knew in her heart Lexa would have wanted, all because she believed it was her only choice to save humanity. And still, Niylah held her in her arms, giving her the acceptance and forgiveness, she craved. She also remembered what she had asked of Octavia later that same day. Something Niylah didn't need to know.
"So you don't wish to be…" Niylah once again reached out and took Clarke's hand in hers, interrupting her before she could finish her sentence. "No Clarke." Now it was Niylah's turn to be a bit hesitant. "There is only one person who I wish to share myself in that way." Reaching into one of the pockets of her shirt, she brought out the carving of the black panther she always carried with her.
Clarke stared at the carving, her eyes filling with tears and hope at the implication. "But you said that all you wanted was that one moment. That that was how you lived your life."
"No Clarke." Niylah responded. "I said that moment was all I was asking for, because…because I know how much you loved Lexa…and I am not her."
It was Clarke's turn to reach out and hold Niylah's hand. "No, you're not Lexa." She gave Niylah a warm smile. "You are Niylah, member of both Trikru and Azgeda, as well as Wonkru, the Sky People, and now the Finalkru. You are a friend to all who need one. You live with an open mind and heart, and unlike me, have not compromised your soul to survive." Clarke moved closer to Niylah and softened her voice. "I once told Lexa that life should be about more than just surviving…and you Niylah are the embodiment of that."
"Clarke," Niylah interrupted. "Your soul is…"
"A dark place that I'm not sure deserves the lightness that is yours." Clarke finished for her. "I wonder sometimes if I perverted the meaning of love just to justify the violence of my actions. I certainly weaponized it."
"You were scared, Clarke. You are so loyal and protective of those you believe are in your care, and those lucky enough to have your love, so when they were constantly being taken from you, you hung on tighter each time there was a threat."
"But I am no different than Cage and the people in Mt Weather, who all knew that they were bleeding innocent people dry, just so they could survive. For decades they murdered your people so they could live. How are my actions any different?" Clarke looked at Niylah with such desperation it broke her heart. Seeing such pain in Clarke's eyes, she couldn't restrain herself any longer and reached out, pulling her into her arms. "Oh Clarke."
Niylah eventually loosened her hold and leaned back in order to be able to look Clarke in the eye. "Do you think that any of us would have made a different choice if it had been our friends or family in that room? When my mother was taken and hung up by her feet, don't you think if I had the opportunity, I wouldn't have done whatever I needed to save her and those with her? Don't be so sure that you are the only one who would pull that lever."
Reaching up, Niylah softly wiped away the tears running down Clarke's cheek. "I know you want to bear it all so others don't have to, but the actions taken in Mt Weather were not just yours, Clarke. They were Monty's and Bellamy's as well. They were Cage's and his father's. They were Emerson's. They were every person in that mountain who had our stolen blood running through their murderous veins."
Softening her voice, Niylah wished so much that Clarke would hear her words. "You do not have to bear it all, Clarke. You are not alone. Your darkness is all of our darkness, and your love is all of our love. Let us take back and carry some of the burden which was ours all along."
Niylah's words were like a balm to Clarke's heart. She so wished them to be true. She thought about Octavia…about Blodrina and the actions she had taken in the bunker and on the march to war, all in the name of saving her people, but really for the overwhelming feeling of power. If Octavia could find peace and love, maybe she could too. Maybe.
Now that she had hopefully said something that would help Clarke let go of some of her guilt, Niylah could feel some of her own insecurity seeping its way back in. "I know I could never be to you what Lexa was…"
"Stop Niylah, please." Clarke held on tighter to the hands she was holding. "Lexa is dead." She looked at Niylah, her eyes pleading for understanding. "I loved her very much, but does that mean I can't love again? My mother loved again with Kane…Octavia thought her life was over when Lincoln died but look at her now." She looked straight into Niylah's eyes, hoping she would see the truth in her words. "I don't know if I deserve to be loved, but I do know that I still feel love. I don't want a substitute for Lexa. I want the kind and compassionate…the funny, beautiful, and passionate woman you are, Niylah. Don't you know how special you are?"
Both women just stared at the other, almost too afraid to say or do anything that would invade this wonderfully private moment…that is until a particularly loud pop came from the fire, causing them both to jump. Smiling, Clarke finally looked around them, noticing that it was now dark, and they had probably missed dinner.
When Clarke and Niylah first spent the night together, it was Clarke who took hold of Niylah's hand and brought it to her shoulder to express her desire. Today, it was Niylah who reached out and took Clarke's hand, bringing it to her cheek for a caress. "Please Clarke, share my bed with me. I want more than just this moment with you." Clarke didn't have to answer Niylah. No more words were needed, for they were both finally in the same place, wanting the same thing…each other. They moved at the same time, their lips coming together with abandon, just as they had the first time they kissed. Only this time, along with the pent-up passion, there was also love…a deep, unwavering love. A love that was no longer ignored because of Clarke's ruthless quest to protect Madi, or Niylah's obligation to be loyal to Octavia. Now it was just Clarke and Niylah. Clarke knew it would be a process to find peace, to let go of the sins of her past, but with Niylah's love and support, she truly believed she could eventually experience it.
LATER THAT NIGHT:
Everyone was settling down for the night in the community building when Jordan asked where Clarke was. They had all noticed that Clarke and Niylah had missed dinner, and just assumed Niylah was sleeping in her new home.
"Hopefully where she should have been all along," Octavia answered. "Where's that?" Jordan asked innocently. In perfect unison, Octavia, Echo, and Emori responded, "with Niylah!"
Raven looked up from taking her leg brace off. "Clarke and Niylah?" She asked in surprise. Then, looking over at Echo with a gleam in her eye, she winked said, "Damn…that's kinda hot!"
The whole room burst into laughter, including Octavia, who thought back to the conversation she'd had with Clarke, right before Clarke and Bellamy were leaving to pick up Raven and bring her back to the bunker. It was a conversation that didn't start out well, because of her anger towards Clarke at the time, but a conversation she had been grateful for in the years since. If Clarke hadn't approached her, she had no doubt that Niylah would have died the day of Praimfaya.
"Octavia," Clarke called out as the younger woman was leaving the office. "What do you want Clarke," Octavia stopped and turned around impatiently, unable to let go of her anger over Clarke's power play that would have killed her and all the Grounders she had vowed to save. This was the second time Clarke had left her to die, so any loyalty she previously felt for Clarke, was gone.
"Look," Clarke started. "I know I'm not your favorite person right now, but I need a favor."
"A favor?" Octavia scoffed. "That's rich. You're just lucky it's not up to me to choose who from the Ark gets to live, because I would throw you out in a second."
"I know…and you would have every right to…but this is not for me. It's about Niylah."
"What about Niylah," Octavia responded, now curious as to what Clarke had to say about their mutual friend.
"She wasn't chosen by the Trikru to be saved because she chose to stay and work with us in Arcadia, and you know the people of the Ark won't give up one of their spots to a Grounder, no matter how much she has helped us." Clarke looked at Octavia, pleading with her eyes. "Please, Octavia…please, can you make sure she is safe?"
Octavia hadn't seen Niylah since arriving in the bunker, so she didn't even know she was there. Had she known, she would have chosen her to stay in the bunker with her group as a thank you, because Niylah had helped Clarke safe her life, and for the friendship she showed her during her recouperation from Azgeda's attack and in trying to stop Ilian's attack on the tech in Arcadia. Now that she knew she was here and vulnerable, she would make sure Niylah was safe, but that didn't mean Clarke had to know quite yet. She was about to give Clarke an answer that would cause pain, just for the pleasure of seeing the look on her face, but when she looked into Clarke's eyes, she could see the fear clearly on display. The surprise of her realization caused her to take a step back. Clarke had strong feelings for the tall, beautiful Grounder! She didn't say anything for a moment but knew that no matter how angry she was at Clarke, she wouldn't inflict that kind of pain on her, especially knowing that Clarke and Bellamy were just about to leave on a mission with little chance of success.
"Please, Octavia. I need her to be safe," Clarke practically begged. "My mom and Kane don't have enough control over the people to do this, and I don't trust Jaha. You are the only one I can trust to save her."
Octavia stood looking at the woman she had such a complicated relationship with. She could only think of one other time when Clarke's emotions were so freely on display…the time when Jasper was going to destroy the flame that contained Lexa's consciousness. That realization caused her anger to evaporate and be replaced with some level of guilt. How could none of them have known how important Niylah was to Clarke? They were all so used to Clarke being in control, of making the hard choices no matter how it might affect her, that none of them paid attention to Clarke's emotional needs and wants. After Finn's death, which was by Clarke's own hand, that moment at the trading post was the first time any of them had realized that Clarke had loved Lexa.
"Niylah will be safe with me," she said. "But know that I am doing this because of MY relationship with her, not because you asked."
The relief in Clarke was palpable. "Thank you," Clarke said, her eyes filling with tears as she smiled at Octavia. Then pushing it a little, she added, "please take care of her…she's…" Clarke's voice drifted off. Octavia looked at Clarke, curious as to how she was going to finish that sentence. "She's what?" she asked. Clarke took a deep breath, her feelings for Niylah now written all over her face, but she didn't want to take a chance that Octavia would change her mind if she knew just how special Niylah was to her, so she just smiled and shook her head. "Thank you," she said again, then turned and walked away.
As Octavia got into bed, she felt a spurt of shame that she had never shared with Niylah the conversation she had with Clarke. She understood that at the time, she was still so full of anger and darkness, that she wanted Clarke to pay for what she had done. She thought the price was for Niylah believing it was solely her she had to thank for saving her, when in reality, it was Clarke. At the time, she craved the loyalty and friendship Niylah gave so fiercely, but now she knew that her actions didn't hurt Clarke, they hurt the woman who was supposed to be her friend. She hurt Niylah by not giving her the comfort of knowing how much Clarke cared for her. Niylah spent six years thinking Clarke had not thought about her before leaving the bunker. Now that she and Clarke had hopefully come back together, even stronger than before, she would share that conversation with her…and then she would ask for Niylah forgiveness.
After all Clarke had been through, after all she had sacrificed for the people she was determined to keep alive, after all the love she had lost with Finn, then Lexa, her mother, Bellamy, and finally Madi…Octavia settled into her blankets next to Levitt and smiled again at the thought of Clarke and Niylah cuddled up together in Niylah's bed. Be happy Clarke…you, my friend deserve it.
The End
