Vol. 5

Ch. 10

Thoughts Spin in One's Mind Like a Hurricane

A subway.

He was on a train. Odasaku sat next to him. Kōsuke sat next to Odasaku, just staring out the window. They were alone. This was because the girl had gone to take care of something and would be back.

Kōsuke avoided looking at Dazai.

Dazai sighed. They'd fought before and that girl had somehow helped diffuse the situation once again. Odasaku wanted to get Kōsuke somewhere safe, but they knew that Ango would be hunting him down for the crimes he'd committed working for the U.K. Adzuki industries group.

Kōsuke got up and stretched. "Hey Odasaku, I need to use the bathroom," he said, glancing at Odasaku for permission.

Odasaku blinked but nodded, still not wanting to let the boy he'd been worried about for months just out of his sight. Dazai observed the boy as he departed from them to use the toilet. When he was out of earshot, Dazai sighed. "Odasaku, you know they're going to arrest him if we take him back," he said softly.

Odasaku was quiet but he glanced at Dazai, serious. Dazai quieted. Honestly, Odasaku wasn't a man of many words, but his expression made it evidently clear that he had no intention of handing Kōsuke over to anyone. Dazai sighed inwardly, exasperated, just a little. Dazai was well aware about the influence the children had on Odasaku's mental health. To place so much on these kids to determine his own right to live was just taking things too far as far as Dazai was concerned. He already knew what losing all the orphans once had done for Odasaku.

But what would happen if he even lost just one this time around?

That was something Dazai hadn't even considered before. Sakura had been put into danger before, but that girl had pulled through somehow in the end. Even now, Dazai wondered if they were out of the woods.

He closed his eyes with a small huff. He wasn't one to let down his guard, and he knew that Odasaku wasn't so stupid as to do that either. Well, whatever. If Odasaku wanted to fight the government of Japan itself over Kōsuke, Dazai already knew which side he'd rather be on.

"This is your conductor speaking," a calm voice said over the intercom. "I want to inform you that the next destination is coming up shortly," Dazai's eyes snapped open though with some alarm. He knew this voice. It was the voice of one of the members of the Rats in the House of the Dead. He glanced at Odasaku but Odasaku didn't look distressed. That's when Dazai knew that this was an opponent that he had faced —but Odasaku hadn't.

"Tch," Dazai stood up immediately.

"Dazai?" Odasaku asked, puzzled.

"Odasaku," Dazai was trying to figure out the best way to relay the danger to Odasaku when suddenly, a large B-THOOOOmmM shook the entire car they were in. Dazai lost his balance and grabbed a pole to steady himself. Odasaku grit his own teeth, bracing himself against the force of the impact using the bench he was on. A few other passengers made noises of distress.

Dazai shivered, feeling the breath grow cold past his lips. Wait? What was going on?

Odasaku made his way towards the bathroom but Dazai grabbed Odasaku by the arm, roughly. "Odasaku! Don't!"

No sooner had Dazai spoken those words when ice began to encase the wheels of the subway causing it to lurch forwards precariously on the tracks as it careened towards a bridge area before its destination of a tunnel— the sounds of screeching metal making the ears of everyone involved feel like they were bleeding.

Kōsuke stepped out of the bathroom and Odasaku tried to move to reach him but grunted with surprise. Kōsuke had frozen Odasaku's wrists and legs to the floor and bench.

Dazai lurched for the boy, gritting his teeth. His own body was somewhat immobilized by the boy's ice. Sometimes, Dazai could touch the ability itself and render it useless but since Kōsuke's ability was somehow tied to 'nature', Dazai couldn't simply render the ice useless. If he wanted to stop the boy's ability he'd have to touch the boy directly.

How inconvenient.

Why was the brat pulling something, even now? Dammit, Dazai couldn't even fathom ever having brats to look after of his own. They were such a pain in the—-

"Kōsuke!" Odasaku yelled, cutting off Dazai's inner rant.

"I'm sorry," Kōsuke said, smiling sadly at Odasaku and Dazai. "But I can't let the people I care about be hurt because of me," he turned away and that's when Dazai noticed the red light. There was a red light, blinking on the side of the subway car in front of them!

"A bomb…" Dazai's voice shook with disbelief. When had this even been planned? How would this boy have done all this in the interim? They had only booked this subway that morning to return to Yokohama! Even with those peculiar folks of Fyodor's involved, Dazai was frustrated that he hadn't caught this sooner. He'd been so wrapped up in worrying about Odasaku, dammit. Dammit all. Caring about another person makes you go soft, he thought to himself, grimacing inwardly.

Odasaku's eyes flashed. "Dazai, you have to stop him!" Odasaku let out a strangled cry, trying to break free of the ice.

Dazai grit his teeth. This was going to be tough but he wasn't a stranger to pain. No pain no gain, right? Dazai used his foot and weight to smash the ice currently encased on his own arm to the pole. Kōsuke hadn't completely bound Dazai, and if that was on purpose—Dazai had to wonder. That was something that made Dazai honestly wonder if Kōsuke really was more of a critical thinker than Dazai had given him credit for.

Freeing himself, knowing that Kōsuke was leaving, Dazai wasted no time using one of Odasaku's guns to smash through the ice encasing Odasaku. Odasaku shot up like a rocket, and both men took off after the boy.

"Dazai!"

"I know!"

Odasaku quickly turned his sights on the bomb beeping between the subway cars. Dazai wordlessly ran ahead. He knew that Odasaku letting him go after Kōsuke without him was a sign of trust—and one that Dazai knew with a sinking terrible feeling in his gut, that he'd lose if he had to end up stopping this boy himself. If Alu failed, if Odasaku failed, where did that leave Dazai?

Dazai wasn't like those two.

Out of the three of them, he was the one with the heart that was the most black. The dark blood of the mafia ran through his veins like a river in a mountainside. It was natural. Those two were better than Dazai could ever hope to pretend to be. Despite everything that had happened with the girl, Dazai knew that she was the one who was capable of being a better person to stick with Odasaku.

Dazai had no idea where that odd revelation came from or why it was triggering jealousy of all things, but he didn't have time to dwell. That girl Alu wasn't around but he heard noises coming from the conductor's car and knew instantly that she was in the middle of something up ahead. Dazai's instinct was to go to her side—when he realized that Kōsuke had stopped running and was turning to face him, just one car away from whatever was going on with Alu and the member of Fyodor's annoying little troupe.

Dazai paused, calculating his next move. The subway screamed its dissent with the situation, as the wheels stopped working all together. The result was the subway weaving in a snake-like fashion on the tracks, the friction causing sparks to flare up. Gripping a subway handle for balance, Dazai gazed evenly back at Kōsuke. He honestly didn't know what the boy was up to, but he wondered if Kōsuke was somehow trying to tell him something.

"By the time Odasaku disengages that bomb," Kōsuke finally spoke up in a melancholy manner, "this subway will crash…"

Dazai doubted that would happen if Alu's ten fox tails had anything to say about it, but he pursed his lips together in a tight thin line, keeping that to himself. If Alu was here, he at least felt like they actually did have a chance of them all not dying horribly. It was pessimistic, but at least it was some sort of positive outlook…right?

"Let me guess, you want me to stop you?" Dazai sighed. Honestly, not this song and dance again. Kōsuke must have a death wish although Dazai could see why all things considered. Dazai was not one to assume that children were incapable of dark thoughts—-quite contrary, they were sometimes even darker than their adult counterparts—himself being a great example when placed next to Mori Ogai.

"No," Kōsuke replied with a listless smile and Dazai glared at him, confused. This boy was really something else. Unlike Ryou who was defiant even in the face of the odds, this boy just felt like a rug waiting to be walked all over. It was like he was choosing to lie down and hide behind excuses rather than take charge of his own actions. Dazai knew that this boy was walking a fine line here, both mentally and physically. If he said one thing off, the boy would definitely react negatively.

Dazai was not someone who cared to give pep talks on emotional support bla bla bla. Ugh, he wasn't like Alu or Odasaku. He definitely wasn't like those weird oddballs at the ADA. He wondered what someone like Kunikida would say at a time like this. If it was Ranpo he'd probably just say something super blunt and straightforward that wouldn't make the situation any better. Ironic that he related the most to a food junkie man-child.

"I just want to let go…" the ice from the door snapped it clean off and the sudden rush of mid-morning wind blasted past the cable-car they were in. Dazai realized what Kōsuke was going to do without him saying anything.

"Hey!"

He lunged forwards but Kōsuke slammed ice towards him, keeping Dazai walled off. "Tell them, I'm sorry…." Kōsuke continued, smiling sadly at Dazai.

Dazai never signed up to be this kid's messenger! He grit his teeth. He couldn't break through and Alu wasn't around. Dammit. Dazai's mind raced. She wouldn't make it in time. Dazai felt himself sweat a little despite the cold temperature drop in the cable-car. "Tell them that yourself!" He said, frustrated, clenching his fists. "Do you really think this is going to solve anything? You're just running away!"

Kōsuke laughed.

It was quiet, soft, and sad. "Yeah, I guess I am…but I've always been more of a coward than I was willing to admit," he said, stepping towards the open door.

Dazai smashed a fist into the ice. It was pointless, but the pain was at least a distraction from the white anger he was seeing. "Don't you care at all about what Odasaku is feeling right now!" He found himself yelling at the boy. He was supposed to stay cool. Keep his shit together. But Dazai was so exasperated and desperate to keep this kid on board—literally.

"Dazai," Kōsuke said, gazing at Dazai. "You've known Odasaku longer than I ever did," he started but Dazai cut him off.

"I met him when I was 14! I wasn't that much older than you!" He shot at Kōsuke. "And I promise you that I'm pretty messed up but he's still by my side! I think about creative ways to kill myself painlessly, and run them by him the same way someone discusses the weather! He knows that I will kill without batting a lash if it means getting my goals met, but he is still there! He's always….been there." Dazai felt his breath hitch a little. He didn't know why he was unloading all of this to the boy. But he needed Kōsuke to understand that he wasn't the only one suffering. He needed Kōsuke to understand that his choice to do this stupid act of Joanne-of-arcism was only going to end badly—for Odasaku…whose fragile heart Dazai was desperate to keep together, somehow. Dammit, he wasn't cut out for dealing with the sensitive emotional states of children!

"I'm glad…that Odasaku has you in his life," Kōsuke said, thoughtfully. "You may be able to live with the things you've done, but not all of us can be like you, Dazai," he stepped back towards the edge.

Dazai felt exasperation strangle a noise out of his throat. Be like him? What the hell did that even mean?

Kōsuke just smiled and jumped.

"No!"

It happened in moments that felt like decades.

The ocean was bright and blue. The tracks ran over the body of water.

There was the sound of ringing in his ears, shrill and sudden.

Then the dark tunnel ensnared his vision and the blue sea with Kōsuke was no more.

x—x—x—-

Was Dazai yelling? No…that voice was loudly drowned out by Odasaku who slammed a fist into the ice, next to Dazai. Dazai's eyes widened with horror. He didn't want Odasaku to be here. Odasaku shouldn't have to see this. Dazai felt panic well up inside himself for the first time as the tension snapped something inside of himself. It was like a bow string stretched too tight.

Dazai felt his eyes grow wet with something foreign to him. Huh? Tears? He flinched, looking away from Odasaku. Odasaku was slamming his fists against the ice until his knuckles bled but Dazai didn't try to stop him. He couldn't deny it any longer. He had failed.

He had failed to do this one thing for his friend.

Dazai grit his teeth, as Odasaku sank to his knees. "Dazai…Dazai…do something…" Odasaku hoarsely croaked, looking at Dazai desperate for a plan. Dazai didn't have one. For once, he had nothing. Dazai's heart twisted, seeing Odasaku's expression, no his eyes, breaking from the inside out like a glass shattering.

Dazai's voice was shaky. "I'm sorry," he whispered, voice taut.

The door blasted from the room in front and Alu stepped through, panting. She was alone. "Dammit, the rat escaped! Oh! Hey! Where's Kōsuke?" She asked immediately.

Odasaku just sat back on his knees, eyes empty. The subway continued to scream, but then the screaming suddenly stopped. The rattling car that shook them came to a standstill. Dazai was barely stopping Odasaku from slamming around like a pingpong ball by gripping his shirt tightly, and hanging onto the railing near them for support. Alu had grabbed a pole as well for her own support.

Dazai's eyes flickered. Huh? Alu was standing right here, so why was the subway no longer moving? They'd made it through the current tunnel but they were nowhere near the destination stop.

Alu breathed with relief. "Ah yeah! He made it!" She grinned at Odasaku and Dazai. "I hope you don't mind, I had a little back up on standby!"

That 'backup' swooped in through the door just then.

Glistening golden orange hair, piercing angry pale eyes that flitted dark at a moment's mention of Dazai's name, fedora and all, in swooped Chūya who landed with ease. He grinned confidently at Alu. "Of course, stop a runaway subway? Normal workday for me," he said, waving a hand dismissively before punching the ice wall that kept Dazai and Odasaku separated. He was grinning ready to make some sort of quip about Dazai needing him for a change— before he caught sight of the wretched state of Dazai and Odasaku.

He quieted. Dazai was not one to look beat—but he looked it. Chūya furrowed his brow with confusion at Alu. "Hey, why is that jerk looking like we're at someone's funeral?"

Odasaku felt tears begin to form and he just leaned against the ice, even as it began to crumble and break apart, allowing them passage through. "He's gone," he said hollowly. "I thought…I thought I could…I would…"

Alu's eyes flashed. "Shit," she said, expression serious. "So it's true then…"

Chūya was confused. "The hell is going on?"

"Chūya , can you go and see if there's a body…" Alu found herself saying, though the words were tumbling out now more and more, like panic.

Chūya frowned. "A body…?"

"Kōsuke," Alu said and Chūya 's eyes flickered.

He understood suddenly what was going on —on some level— and he nodded. "Tch, I'll see what I can find." He left without a word, using his anti-gravity ability to practically fly.

Alu turned to Odasaku and Dazai.

Dazai looked at her, knowing that in that moment, only she and him were the ones who knew about 'rewrite' and he tried to stand but found his legs wouldn't move. "Dazai," Alu said serious, "This is something I believe only you can remedy."

Dazai's eyes flickered. What the hell was she talking about?

"Kōsuke….can't you save him!?" Odasaku stumbled towards Alu like a drunk man with no more walls to break down because they were all rubble around his feet and he was just tripping on the pieces now.

"I can," Alu said bluntly, gazing at Odasaku. "But…I can't do it alone…"

"Y-you don't have to! Tell me what to do!" Odasaku's voice cracked, but the relief at knowing there was a way out of this nightmare made him stare at Alu with manic desperation.

Dazai couldn't speak. He didn't have the strength to save this boy at the moment, so why was this girl suddenly thrusting such a huge responsibility on his shoulders? "Not everything can be fixed with some magic words all the time!" He found himself lashing out at her. His sudden yelling surprised Odasaku and her.

"You're right," Alu said, moving past Odasaku and over to Dazai. Odasaku stood near her, but Dazai didn't look at her. He really didn't like that he couldn't do anything for Odasaku. He found himself resenting her, just a little. She was a convenience, but she wasn't the solution.

"Hah, then what are you going to do…just rewrite everything so it's peachy?" He snapped, angry.

Alu held out a hand to him even though he was no better than a feral animal. "No, I just want to give you a second chance…because I think more than anyone else here, you're the one who needs to know that you deserve one…the most…"

"That has nothing to do with that damn brat!" Dazai found himself yelling. "I wish Odasaku had never met him! I wish Odasaku had never met any of the orphans!" He felt himself screaming the last bit and he knew that Odasaku would probably hate him for it but he just didn't care anymore. He was already losing his best friend to those damn brats anyways!

"Dazai, stop it," Odasaku said, pained and angry now.

"No!" Dazai glared at Odasaku. "Those orphans make you weak, Odasaku! They make you do things that otherwise you wouldn't even consider! They're your ball and ch—-"

THWACK.

Dazai felt something connect with his cheek and his eyes widened. Huh? Huh? a fist…no, Odasaku's angry expression is what Dazai's momentarily blurred vision caught as he went down to the ground. "Don't talk about them like that!" Odasaku roared, grabbing Dazai for the first time by his shirt collar. Dazai felt his throat clench.

He couldn't stop the watery expression or the anger he was feeling. It was like his body was hot and cold. "I will say what I think!" He shot back at Odasaku.

Odasaku grit his teeth, but his own eyes were filled with tears.

"Then, I can no longer consider you my friend."

Dazai felt Odasaku let him go but the ghost of the touch lingered like dead weight. Dazai felt his lungs forcing air in and out but he couldn't see clearly. There was nothing Dazai felt was worth it if it meant he wasn't able to be by Odasaku's side. Odasaku and Alu were talking, but Dazai didn't hear it.

He closed his eyes.

Ha. Maybe he'd be the one to jump off the subway next. Or a nice cliff somewhere. Unlike the damn brat, Kōsuke, Dazai had a feeling no one would come to his funeral. What funeral? What is a funeral but just a reminder that sometimes people put death on display. No, Dazai would prefer to die quietly and in the background.

He felt a hand on his shoulder, and flinched, opening his eyes, though they were red, muddy, and empty. "I don't know what is in your heart, but I believe that you are the only one who can make a difference now," Alu said, with a sad smile. Dazai didn't understand. He wanted to say that she was wrong but just then he found himself blinded by bright yellow and orange light.

Gasp.

Dazai's eyes shot open as he breathed for the first time in what felt like hours. Like a man coming up for air from being underwater, he sat up, breathing hard and coughing like he had water in his lungs.

"D-Dazai!" Odasaku stood up from where he'd been sitting. Dazai blearily looked at him.

Huh? What time was this? Wait…the rewrite flashbacks started to happen around this time…? That didn't make any sense. The girl had stated she needed to be present for the rewrite to take effect. If Dazai really had been dropped back this far back—then that meant the girl must have received the same news… at this time!

But Dazai realized with a heavy sinking heart, that this also meant that besides her, he was the only one who knew what Kōsuke's fate was going to be.

His chest felt tight despite being back. He saw Odasaku, still gazing at him with genuine concern but the fight they'd had over the orphans felt so fresh on Dazai's brain that he honestly wondered if he was dreaming right now.

That fight had made one thing clear to Dazai.

Odasaku valued strangers' kids over his own friendship with Dazai. Dazai could feel the shadows creeping into his mind, trying to comfort him with reassuring thoughts that he was stronger than Odasaku and if Odasaku was going to be this stupid, then maybe there was no point in caring about him anymore. But, Dazai, despite knowing his mind was telling him to cut ties and run, found he couldn't.

He was attached to Odasaku.

Odasaku was his friend.

No, Odasaku was more than that. Dazai didn't know what to call this feeling, but whatever it was, he refused to let it go.

Dazai stared at the sheets, gripping them so tight, his knuckles were turning white. Something wet was coming down his cheeks, but he didn't register it.

Odasaku gazed at his friend having a silent breakdown. He wanted to ask Dazai what the hell happened and what was going on inside his mind. "What day is it…?" Dazai asked, shakily.

"Uh…it's been a few days," Odasaku said, awkwardly. Dazai's eyes flickered. Ah, they were still at the hotel it would seem.

"…phone call about that kid…" Dazai croaked.

Odasaku sat down again by Dazai's side. "The girl woke up… a while ago."

"Huh?" Dazai gazed towards the window, and was immediately surprised to see that it was dusk already. "Was I out longer than her? I thought she'd be out a month?"

"Yeah, you were," Odasaku frowned. "I had Yosano check on you but it looked like whatever you were going through….wasn't something she could heal. She said it was all mental… triggered by the news about Kōsuke, like…you know…" he finished lamely. He didn't want to say that Dazai was diagnosed with having a mental breakdown because honestly that sounded like something a long time coming for someone like Dazai.

"Huh…" Dazai replied, subdued, feeling incredibly drained despite apparently having been asleep for a few days.

"What's going on with Kōsuke… I have confidence in that girl, Alu," Odasaku said, with a sigh. "She said she was on it."

"I'll bet," Dazai found himself wryly reply. Once again, he was completely useless to Odasaku and the situation. Was that girl really the only one capable of keeping Odasaku and those orphans from harm? Dazai felt nauseous at just how dark he knew his mind was and how little he honestly cared about Odasaku's orphans. They were only going to be the death of his friend, that much was clear.

"What's with you?" Odasaku asked, genuinely bewildered. He sensed Dazai wasn't in a good mood but couldn't understand how it related to Kōsuke.

"Who knows," Dazai replied, subdued and melancholy, wiping his eyes on his sleeve. Odasaku had taken off Dazai's coat, and Dazai realized he must have had a fever. Huh, in a way, he still felt a bit hot-headed.

Odasaku sighed.

He didn't know what to honestly expect with Dazai most of the time, but he was relieved that his friend was awake and acting, well—like himself. But the tears were not something Odasaku was used to seeing. He wondered why Dazai had acted in such a way when Kōsuke had been mentioned. He frowned, honestly at a loss for a reasonable explanation. Still, a man's tears were their own business as far as Odasaku was concerned.

And yet, seeing Dazai cry made Odasaku worry the same way seeing that girl cry—or anyone he cared about honestly— and Odasaku wished he knew what had happened. He knew Dazai wouldn't tell him if he didn't want to. "Did something happen in your past….?" He found himself asking, tentatively. "Miss Yosano was wondering if you had a panic attack-a bad one…because of the conversation about Kōsuke running away…since that's something you've done…"

Dazai blinked.

Ah, so Yosano theorized that Dazai's weird mental fit had to do with perhaps a life comparison situation. She wasn't actually that far off the mark—but rather than Dazai's past, he had been having a reaction to a possible future outcome. Dazai closed his eyes, his thoughts echoing in his mind along with Odasaku's final words to him.

"Then, I cannot consider you my friend."

"You could say that," Dazai replied with an empty smile without looking at Odasaku.