Vol. 6

Ch. 4

Sensibility Is About Understanding Thoughts Born in the Dark

Dazai gazed at Ango, expression still hard. There was no joking here. There was no pretense of jovial boyish decorum. It was simply a man carved from stone. "That girl…" Dazai continued, "is the one who changed how those dominos fell," he said curt and serious. "That's why…you have her to thank for why Odasaku still lives…and why you're not dead right now," he finished coldly, but he suddenly smiled, mirthlessly, starting to step towards Ango.

"Wrong…" he shakily said to no one. His head felt numb despite the alcohol. He wanted to retort. He had to defend his own feelings. But his mind was racing and he was sweating. He felt himself tremble and he hated how Dazai had this hold over him. He hated it so much.

"But tell me…even if Odasaku did die…would you even care…?"

"You're wrong!" He choked, his emotions tumbling inside of him despite his damndest attempts to numb everything.

He hated Dazai.

Ango's eyes held no light as that twisted dark realization burned inside himself, still.

Had he ever actually cared about Dazai at all? Had Odasaku been the only one keeping them together? It would make sense…take away the glue and things naturally fall apart, right?

He found himself repeating the same thing he'd managed to muster out at that time. "Wrong…" he found himself saying with pained determination. "Of course….I'd care if he died."

He had, at the time, tried in his own way to communicate his true feelings to Dazai—under the false pretense of them having once been friends but Dazai had continued to disregard him, entirely.

Dazai beamed, pointing the gun at Ango's heart. "That's good to know…" he said sweetly. Ango and him locked eyes. "But it's clear you could care less about those orphans that he cared for, after all, you're the reason they died along with him."

Ango continued to feel numb. He was realizing in a terrible sense what Dazai had meant at that time.

"Yep! Because, believe it or not, Ango, even the well-intentions of a good man can have bad consequences," Dazai brightly stated like he was some ancient wizard sage.

Ango couldn't speak. How can one feel so numb and like their entire body was screaming, raw and ragged, at the same time?

He couldn't push Dazai's logical analysis—emotionally charged as it was—away no matter how hard he tried to disallow it from sinking in. Dazai accused him of being an orphan-killer. Even though it was Dazai who had wracked up a criminal sheet for all the shit he did because he didn't care at all about the lives he ended by his own hand—somehow, Ango had, in those cruel empty weather beaten burnt sienna eyes, fallen even lower.

Ango quivered. His own nondescript clouded ashen tinted eyes felt like sand had been rubbed against them.

"I would never condone that," his voice shook. Ango never agreed with certain things. He never forsaw things getting so terrible. Dazai insisted Ango could care less about who would be stepped on, but Ango didn't want to be compared to someone like Dazai in that way. He was someone who was supposed to be a better person than Dazai could ever hope to even pretend to be. He was still angry with Dazai.

How dare Dazai insinuate that he, Ango, was some cold blooded killer like himself! Ango gave up everything for the sake of Japan's national security. He knew the risks. He knew the sacrifices he had to make for his line of work. In the end, wouldn't have Dazai done the same if in his shoes? If it had been to protect his 'friends', wouldn't Dazai's get his hands dirty as well?!

"You didn't have to. The way the world works condoned it for you! Isn't that something!" Dazai cheerfully said, with a sneer on his face.

His heart wasn't black like Dazai's.

But maybe, Ango's heart had always been dark grey.

Dazai had accused Ango of being more than just a player in Odasaku's demise. He had declared that it could only have been Ango who had been the hand that pushed those dominos down to fall.

"I said, shut up!" Ango screamed, voice cracking, as the angry outburst burned through him, hotter than the alcohol that had been coating his throat. He threw the bottle with such force that it smashed against the wall. Ango clutched his face, draining himself emotionally. His tears wouldn't stop falling.

He wanted to be by both of their sides—even now, though one openly hated him and one just trusted him less. He missed them. He missed Bar Lupin. He missed a simpler time even if it was supposed to just be an illusion. It hadn't been for Ango. It had been the best time of his life. The happiest time.

That girl didn't understand what it felt like to play 'sides'. She followed this illusion that 'friendship' was stronger than taking sides, but that was a lie. That was a fat lie. Because if that was the case, then Ango should have been able to be on all sides and still kept his friends.

But now?

He had done everything that was asked of him. But he was still alone. In his heart of hearts, he was forced to look into himself. Playing sides wasn't a game that Ango could do. Ango was content to choose just one side—the right side.

But that right there was the conundrum.

A question haunted Ango. The small voice in his mind continued to torment him. Dazai's sneering smile aggravated him. Alu's warm hand that she outstretched to him despite everything that had transpired between them confused him. He still wished to make things up with Odasaku despite how futile it often felt. He wanted to continue being someone dependable to Officer Chief Taneda still.

Why was it that the harder he tried to hang on, the faster it felt like he was only losing grip?

"Anything that I would never want to lose, is always lost." Dazai spoke, not gazing at Ango after Ango's confession that night regarding his role in Mimic, the Mafia, and the Department of Unusual Powers' meddling.

Ango couldn't stop the sobs. Nothing helped. Dazai's words echoed. Ango's body felt hot.

No, it felt like it was on fire.

It had nothing to do with alcohol.

"It is a given that everything worth wanting will be lost the moment I obtain it. There is nothing worth pursuing at the cost of prolonging a life of suffering."

Ango felt like he was burning.

Maybe he was.

Maybe Ango's guilt was finally burning him for the losses he'd caused, himself.

Ango hated that he understood just a little better, Dazai's feelings when he'd said that. He hated that bastard. He was a child compared to Ango. Why did he have the mentality of someone so much older and detached? All he wanted was to die. A suicidal aficionado with no regard for those he stepped on. How was it, then, that Dazai was the better person?

Ango's breathing was hard and shaken. "Why…?" Ango's voice broke. "Even now, you're still the only one who is right….?"

Ango felt like he was spiraling down a slide towards empty inhospitable nothing. He was falling down a tunnel with nothing left to hang onto. He no longer felt like he held the right answer anymore.

The question that haunted Ango wasn't whether or not he should have spared Odasaku.

The question had entirely to do with Ango being no longer able to deny what was crumbling inside his mind. Ango couldn't deny the painful self-reflection. There were two sides to every coin. The same applied to Good and Evil. The question was about which side Ango was really on.

Ango didn't have a straight laced answer like usual. People like Odasaku and Alu blurred those lines. Thanks to people like them, Ango was even more concerned that the grey area between who is right and who is criminal was detrimental to the integrity of the entire justice system. What was worse was somehow Ango had been comfortable on both sides.

He didn't even know which side he even belonged to anymore.

Or which side he had ever… actually believed more in.

—x—-

Alu watched the kids fall asleep. She'd been staying at Odasaku's home for a few days. Yosano was currently staying with her, so Chūya was allowed to return to the Port Mafia to do other tasks for Mori. While Alu appreciated the company, she was growing increasingly worried about Odasaku's disappearance.

Chūya had stated he'd inform Mori of what was going on with Odasaku's mysterious disappearance in case they could uncover anything that would make Alu find him easier. Alu appreciated it. Even with rewrite's jumble of memories left behind, Alu only vaguely recalled Jane Austen being the reason Odasaku went missing. It had been Alu and Dazai who had found him in the original timeline but Alu didn't want them to do this alone anymore. Alu also wanted to try to be a better friend. And, a better example for Dazai to also rely on the ADA a bit more. Still, the vague recollection of memories wasn't enough to go on and a memory can be a fickle thing. Alu hadn't told anyone yet the details of her memories. She had to piece together certain things herself.

But Alu knew that Odasaku had tried to take on someone dangerous like Austen on his own for the sake of finding the boy. What bothered Alu was she couldn't remember the details clearly.

Yosano was downstairs, reading a book on the couch. Alu sat on a chair near her. Yosano looked up at Alu. "Are the kids asleep?" She asked, her voice considerate and low.

Alu nodded. "Yes," she leaned back in her chair, arms crossed. "Thanks for staying here," she added. "I'm just worried about Odasaku," she mumbled.

"Ranpo is on the case," Yosano said, giving Alu a small smile. "Once we find proper clues, he'll find him!"

Alu hated that she hadn't told them yet that she didn't have her powers. She disliked that she couldn't even connect with Juubi. Alu didn't like keeping things from them. But it never felt like a good time to bring it up. She didn't want them worrying about her unnecessarily either. But still, she felt a little less like a burden when she allowed them into her heart. She still wore Ranpo's gift on her head. It felt like a piece of the A.D.A. was with her. But, she knew that was silly because they'd always been there for her.

She just wished that a certain four-eyed government agent would also realize that she was there for him the way the ADA had been for her—despite the fighting—despite their differing points of view—despite everything that should state they weren't a good match up.

Alu recalled a memory from the original timeline. It was one that made her sad. In a small way, it made her feel powerless.

A looming figure in the small hallway of a messy apartment screamed,"I don't need your pity!" Angry pearly eyes, filled with tears, disheveled attire, posture of a person who was coiled to strike. And Alu had nothing to say to this person who looked like hell, who had backed her up against the wall. "Just get out."

At that time, Alu had complied, feeling like someone who had failed a friend.

When someone was at such a low point like Ango Sakaguchi, maybe space was the best thing this time around. She wanted it to turn out differently this time around but she found she just didn't have the right thing to say.

Or she'd only repeat what had happened in that memory. If it was Ranpo, Alu knew he'd go barreling in, regardless of the consequences. In a small way, she admired his cocky attitude. Insufferable as he could be, he truly was someone who was admirable.

"I wish I had some of Ranpo's confidence," she wryly admitted, smiling at her knees, hugging her knees to her chest.

"Oh?" Yosano hummed. She turned a page. "He's not confident at all." she stated, bemused.

Alu let out a small puff of amused laughter. She enjoyed talking with Miss Yosano. She honestly couldn't predict how these conversations would go. "I bet he'd have the right answer for someone who is suffering right in front of him," Alu said, playing with her sleeves, shifting back to a more subdued mood.

"Ranpo doesn't either," Yosano replied. "He is not someone to waste his time feeling sorry for others."

"I wonder how he does it then," Alu mused, contemplative.

"…'How he does' what?" Yosano asked, peering at Alu from over her book.

Alu rested her forehead to her knees, not looking at the dark haired woman with the butterfly clip in her hair. "—Doesn't waste his pity on people…"

Yosano smiled softly. "Ranpo doesn't take pity on others, no," she agreed, "…he'd rather present them with a choice."

Alu thought about that. She blinked. A contemplative frown formed. A choice, huh? Alu's smile waned but remained on her face as she let Yosano's words sink in. Ranpo and Yosano were truly two inspiring individuals. Alu's mood felt just a little less heavy. Alu chuckled softly.

She patted the detective hat on her head. "Yeah, I guess I can kinda see that," she sheepishly acknowledged. She felt a little warmer. "You're all really good people," Alu said softly, still hugging herself. "Better people than I could ever pretend to be," she added, quietly.

Yosano looked at her, over her book, shutting it finally and placing it on the coffee table. "You're not someone who pretends," she stated, gazing at Alu, with a sincere glint in her eyes.

Dazai's words from that memory played back in Alu's mind. She found herself, repeating it now, out loud. "It is a given that everything worth wanting will be lost the moment I obtain it. There is nothing worth pursuing at the cost of prolonging a life of suffering," she repeated, hearing Dazai's voice echo over her own, closing her eyes. "Tell me Miss Yosano, is there a right way to respond to this statement?"

"Huh? Statement?" Yosano bluntly replied, propping her chin in her hand, drawing one knee over the other, as she sat upright, gazing at Alu from where she was sitting on the couch. Her expression was unperturbed and calm. "That's just an opinion. And there's only one way to respond to something like that."

"How?" Alu asked, curious and genuinely blank for a sincere answer.

Miss Yosano grinned at her. Her eyes held a bright fervent gleam—honestly borderline sadistic. "You can't stop 'loss' from existing. It's a part of the natural cycle of what it means to live and suffer. But…" Yosano pointed her finger at Alu, "You can still fight like hell against that suffering and declare your own right to go on living in order to preserve what's right in front of you!"

Alu's eyes widened as she gazed at Yosano. She felt her chest clench but then it unclenched. Alu chuckled weakly, a hand over her mouth. She felt lighter thanks to the answer Miss Yosano had given her. She snickered smally. She wondered how someone like Dazai would take Miss Yosano's answer. Alu hadn't been able to come up with an answer quite like this on her own. Alu gazed out the window. The closest she'd come to answering the question had been something completely different. "Hm."

"What was your answer?" Yosano asked her, direct and still watching her.

"My answer?" Alu repeated.

She smiled at Yosano, resting her head on her knee, drawing it to her chest as she sat, bunched up on the chair. "Well, it was mostly about loss. If —according to certain logic—life is about only existing to lose what's important eventually, then I suppose that I wouldn't mind the burden of existing as long as I chose to become that loss, instead ..."

Alu didn't expect Yosano to understand this. This wasn't some cheesy romantic death she was talking about either. In Alu's bones, she only felt alive when there was pain. But the pain would be worth it if she was fighting to hang onto a sense of purpose. It's only through the pain of being alive that one is faced with the revelation that to live is for the sake of someone else's happiness. Alu smiled wryly, not looking at Yosano.

Yeah, She was probably a masochist, after all, she mused to herself, chuckling.

She knew her unorthodox way of thinking could be off putting. She knew that in the long term, she'd eventually burn bridges somewhere despite her desire to keep her friends she'd made by her side. She knew that eventually, everything she believed in would be tested by the bonds of those around her.

Most people live for themselves.

Lonely people lived for others.

Maybe that's why she didn't have an answer that felt it would satisfy Dazai's opinion enough to solidly counter it. In the end, they were too much alike. Both lived with the revelation that nothing in life is permanent no matter how hard one may fight to preserve it. Nothing can stand the test of time. That's why Alu knew that she wasn't the one that could answer those questions in Dazai's heart. But if he was around someone like Miss Yosano, maybe he could finally start to hear voices that were no longer simply his own. That's what she felt would be possible if he joined the Armed Detective Agency. They would be Dazai's way forwards. In a way, they had started to be her own.

"This doesn't sound like your opinion….is it a friend of yours?" Yosano asked.

Alu blinked. She thought about Dazai. Was he a friend? They were allies. She remembered what she had said about the difference between an ally and a friend. They were both just lonely wanderers existing for the sake of preserving the happiness of others—no matter how onerous.

"Yeah, he's someone very important to me," she admitted, smiling contemplatively, sadly, and lost in thought. "He's also someone important to Odasaku, so I feel it pertinent to make sure he doesn't do something stupid and self-harmful like he's prone to do if left alone for too long."

"You sure like to hang out with odd people," Yosano said, thoughtfully, but she wasn't being rude.

"True, I hang out with the oddest," Alu agreed.

There's a saying that opposites attract, but that's not entirely true. Sometimes, people find comfort in seeing themselves reflected in the eyes of another person just as lost as they are. Alu gazed out the window, seeing the lawn, trees, and the dark sky with stars. Maybe that's why she saw how similar Ango and Dazai could be. Maybe that's why she saw a bit of herself in them both.

Alu held out a hand, outstretched. Just out of reach they both felt to her. If only they could both see that they still both obviously cared about what they used to have together. Alu clenched her fist. Alu was determined to get her boys to make up—all three of them, no matter what. Some losses couldn't be remedied because of natural reasons like death, but this was something that could be fixed.

If time could undo the fragility of life —so too could it mend a bond that had been broken.

—x—

"Mm," Ms. Austen mumbled. She slowly opened her eyes to gaze upon the sleeping man next to her. A mattress had been put in the cell and now she sat up on it, dressed in her undergarments, holding the sheet to her chest. "Sleep well?"

The lump next to her didn't stir.

Ms. Austen frowned. She pulled back the sheets, to find what appeared to be a log with pillows tied onto it on her mattress? Jane Austen's eye twitched. "No," she suddenly burst out, aghast, getting to her feet to check the exit. It was unlocked? She breathed hard. She saw something glinting on the floor and furrowed her brow. Kneeling down she scooped up the key and the white slip of paper.

The note read: I'm sorry. That boy is someone more important to me than anything. Thank you for getting me one step closer. I appreciate it. — Oda

Ms. Austen felt her face bubble with heated embarrassment and anger. She was stunned to say the least. Her power should have had that man in her grasp! He should be easily manipulatable. Sure, he was rather dense and very polite—a classic Mr. Bingley, but that didn't explain how he'd so easily just left!

Ms. Austen's expression darkened to one of murderous intent. "I will not be made The Fool, here!"

—x—

Odasaku opened another door. This building was truly the definition of a mansion. It was huge, old, ornate. He had been hoping to find Kōsuke but so far, he hadn't found anything. He was on alert for any other people but besides some servants he was avoiding along with a butler, Odasaku found that this place wasn't actually anything special.

There were no signs of that Russian man either.

Since he'd slipped away, he knew he had limited time to check the entire mansion out. "Kōsuke, where are you?"

B-DMP.

Under Odasaku's feet, a black hole opened up.

Odasaku quickly moved back, as a black hole opened up beneath where he'd been standing before. Odasaku tensed, waiting for the little girl to pop her head through. Instead, someone completely unrelated poked his masked face through the hole conjured. "Ah! Ody!" He waved a gloved hand, eagerly in Odasaku's direction. "Didja like the Good Morning wood I sent'cha?"

Odasaku blinked. Oh, it had been this person who provided Odasaku with a clean way to disguise his disappearance under the sheets. "Who are you?" he found himself asking, dumbly.

"Gogol Nikolai~ But ya can call me Nikolai!" He beamed. "I'm under strict orders to set you free—boss's orders!"

Odasaku was very confused.

"What is the meaning of this?" A frazzled butler entered the chat.

The clownish fellow, Nikolai, with his puffy clothes and long platinum blonde hair tied back into a waist long braid, clicked his tongue. "This is a private conversation!"

"What are you doing on Lady Jane's property!" The butler growled and Odasaku's eyes widened with alarm. BDMP.

"Don't move or I'll shoot!" The butler pulled out a gun. And fired it right at Nikolai's head. The bullet pierced his still smiling face as he fell down like a doll without strings.

Moving swiftly, Odasaku didn't hesitate.

"Don't mo—Wargh!?" The butler yelped as Odasaku pinned him on his stomach, knocking the gun out of his grasp.

Nikolai stared and then began to clap, beaming at Odasaku from under his half-mask that covered his right eye. "I see you're performing a fun magic trick ~" he crooned.

The butler grunted, unable to shake off Odasaku's weight. Odasaku knocked out the butler with a swift blow to the neck, and got up after a moment. Nikolai bounced over, and nudged the unconscious butler with a pointy toed tip of his boot. "I don't make it a habit to go with people I don't know unless I'm given the right motivation," Odasaku said, with a sigh, straightening up and putting space between himself and the crazy clown before him.

Nikolai giggled. He just hummed.

B-DMP!

Nikolai pulled out a hidden knife from his sleeve, and with a gleeful cackle, slit the throat of the butler.

Odasaku grit his teeth.

He grabbed Nikolai's wrist, disapproving glare on his face. Nikolai paused, eyes wide, smiling, holding the knife concealed in his sleeve. "Oh? Didja see what I planned to do, Ody~?"

"Don't call me that," Odasaku curtly replied.

"Why are you trying to stop me? He was gonna kill us first, ya know?" Nikolai sneered.

"I don't believe in killing senselessly," Odasaku replied, expression hard and serious.

His cowlick twitched.

Nikolai eyed that cowlick, having the distinct urge to just tug it and see if it would pop off his head like a detachable cartoon 'ahoge'. "Sensibility is only a crutch thought up by the weak minded who fear losing what limited control they've obtained!" Nikolai crowed, grinning from ear to ear at Odasaku.

He saw Odasaku's disgruntled confusion and just giggled. Yes, very few people understood Nikolai. In fact, he was hard pressed to say that no one did. At least, no one that wasn't that person. His boss, to be exact.

"I won't allow it," Odasaku curtly countered.

Nikolai leered at him with a hunter's smirk.

BA-DTH-MP

"Is that so? Very well then! You'll just die first!" Nikolai squealed with glee. He swung his blade instead at Odasaku, and it struck Odasaku at close range in the neck.

Odasaku's eyes widened.

Odasaku growled, eyes flashing.

"Is that so? Very well then! You—!" Nikolai started but Odasaku grit his teeth, and grabbed the blade, knowing there wasn't enough time to dodge, and that their strength in skill was evenly matched if he tried to simply knock out the crazy clown.

Odasaku winced in pain, as the blade cut into his palm. But he gripped the knife, none-the-less, eyes steeled and determined. "I said. No."

Nikolai's expression twisted to one of genuine maniacal surprise and amazement. He giggled. "You're so much fun! No wonder my Fyo~ is so interested in you!"

Fyo?

Odasaku's eyes glinted, as anger and rage that he usually kept under control so well began to bubble. Was it perhaps that man? Odasaku grabbed Nikolai by his collar, yanking him to eye level. He gripped the blade by its handle, despite the blood from his injured hand tearing up from the pressure. The only stinging Odasaku felt was the stinging in his rage. Nikolai just continued to giggle. "Take me to him."

"I see you've finally found your motivation~" the clown cackled.

—x—

"AH!" Alu exclaimed, jolting upright from where she was sitting, cross legged, at the coffee table where she'd been playing a video game with Katsumi on the television. Shinji and Sakura were coloring at a table, and the other boy was reading a comic, just lounging in the chair.

"Big Sis?" Katsumi asked, blinking at her.

Alu remembered something from her jumbled memories just then. Something that she really, really wished she could have avoided. A familiar dark haired man in a Russian outfit floated into her mind with a sneering smirk.

In the original timeline, Odasaku had gone with this man who claimed he could give Kōsuke back to Odasaku. But, that wasn't true.

It had all been a lie.

They had found Odasaku before because Fyodor had contacted Dazai—of all people— in order to make an exchange. And Alu now remembered what that exchange had been.