Vol. 6
Ch. 5
Falling Angels & Benevolent Devils Both Laugh Just The Same
Alu and Dazai stood in the room, both apprehensively glaring at the smiling man seated at the desk, gramophone near him, sipping some tea. Nikolai stood nearby, a gun pointed at their backs, blocking the only exit. He had a sadistic grin on his face. After all, he had been the one who had kidnapped them both and brought them to Fyodor.
"I could offer you some tea," Fyodor suggested, gazing at Alu mostly, enjoying ignoring Dazai completely.
"I'd rather you spill it," Alu cheekily countered.
"My, you have a way with words," Fyodor hummed, bemused, as he glanced down at his tea cup, still smiling.
"I'd prefer you didn't flirt with her when you have me you could contend with," Dazai intervened in a sickeningly pleasant tone, his calculating hostile burnt sienna eyes challenging unperturbed plum royal ones. Alu could just feel the sparking tension between the two young men.
"Would you prefer I give you my affection?" Fyodor humorously countered.
"Lay it all on me …if you can handle it," Dazai replied, levelly.
Anyone that saw these two interacting in the same room and didn't think they were somehow hella gay together, were clearly blind as a neutered bat. She watched the two men, just glaring at each other, and bemused, wondered which one would even top. The answer was neither, she concluded. They were both power bottoms. Alu pursed her lips, knowing it was a terrible time to giggle. But. The thought. The ship. The implications…..
She could hear the saxophone music. She half expected the crazy clown to pull one from out of his ass and start playing it for shits and giggles. She put a hand over her mouth and finally burst out into a fit of giggles, startling all three men in the room, even Nikolai.
"Pfft," she giggled, "Hahaha! Holy moly, you two are a riot!"
Fyodor looked pleasantly confused and taken aback. Dazai was amused because this person was behaving unpredictably, like always— but her intervention had helped dissipate just a little of his blood lust so he could better focus. Nikolai joined in on the laughter because he didn't know what was going on and was enjoying himself immensely at everyone else's expense.
"Your laughter warms this cold heart," Fyodor hummed, smiling daintily at her.
Nikolai, clearly jealous that Fyodor was praising someone that wasn't him, raised his hand, speaking up loudly. "Your warm hugs always lift my dead spirit!" He declared to Fyodor.
Dazai's eyebrows temporarily left orbit, as he and Alu just kinda stared at the magical clown and Fyodor casually covered his face with his hands, feeling the serious edge he had completely dissipated by his subordinate's lack of any tact. "Fyodor gives warm hugs?" Alu couldn't help but repeat, completely finding that hard to imagine. He seemed more like a deadweight that would lean on you to make it difficult to move.
"I do," Fyodor decided to take advantage of this unfortunate twist that Nikolai threw into the conversation to his advantage. After all, he was a suave man and would not be distracted from his real purpose in summoning these two. While he would prefer to have Nikolai leave the room, he also needed Nikolai there to be backup—Despite the urge to want and throttle him to death at the moment. It was an interesting terrible catch 22.
Alu meanwhile was trying to think what their ship name would be. "Nikoyodor? Nah, too wordy," she mused out loud. "FyoKolai? Nah, implies Fyodor tops," she continued to think loudly, stroking her chin.
Dazai pursed his lips together, turning away, and hiding his own face behind his hand, trying not to bust a rib silently in tears of laughter as Fyodor looked increasingly put off.
"I have one!" Nikolai piped in, helpfully, raising his hand again and waving it wildly like he wanted Alu to call on him. "It's a ship name—-but like—-for a friendship, ya know?"
Alu's auburn dark caramel eyes glinted, and she grinned at Nikolai, pointing at him with her index finger. "Okay! Let's hear it! Mr. 'We're just friends'!"
Fyodor was internally screaming, wanting this personal new hell to end. Dazai however, composed himself, just observing everything, in a much jollier mood-despite the circumstances being what they were.
"GoGoFyoYo ~Happy~ Squad~!" Nikolai crowed, using English of all things at that moment to dub it.
Fyodor wanted to 'Crime & Punishment' the stupid clown right then and there.
Alu stroked her chin. "I see…"
Fyodor sweated. Oh lord, no— she was taking it seriously. Fyodor hid behind his hand, but he looked like he had sucked on an entire bag of sour lemons and acquired an allergy to them in the process.
Dazai clapped his hands together, like a teacher trying to get students to pay attention and get everyone back on track. "Okay kids~ Let's get back to class!" He cheekily remarked, confirming Alu's analogy.
Fyodor, politely more moody, agreed with Dazai—begrudgingly. "Yes, let's."
"So, why are we here?" Alu asked, glancing at Nikolai to see if he'd be a useful fountain of information if Fyodor decided to be a troll.
"To discuss a business proposition," Fyodor said.
Alu glanced at Dazai to see what his thoughts were on this. Dazai looked contemplative, serious, and unperturbed. Oh good, he also had no idea what Fyodor was talking about. Alu felt better about being in the dark. "Oh?" Dazai mused, voice dropping though that could have also just been the effects of puberty still going through his teenage body.
Alu gazed back at Fyodor, having taken in her surroundings now. They were in a building—not a ship, and she sensed this room was not someplace Fyodor actually normally came to. The way things were decorated implied it was all portable, which meant that wherever they were, was only a 'stage' for Fyodor.
Fyodor paused for dramatic effect or maybe he was just tired, Alu noted that Fyodor had bags under his eyes. Huh. Maybe he drank too much caffeinated tea. "Does this have to do with Odasaku's disappearance?" Alu said, cutting to the chase, finally.
Fyodor rested his chin on his hands, a mischievous smirk on his pale pallid lips. "I see you're as perceptive as ever," he complimented her, ignoring Dazai, again.
Dazai didn't enjoy being jilted.
"Perception had nothing to do with it," Alu said, hands on her hips. "You're incredibly predictable, you know that?" She chastised Fyodor, wagging a finger at him—lecturing him on his methods which surprised all three men—and made Nikolai protective of Fyodor's feelings.
"I'm predictable?" Fyodor repeated, genuinely more affronted than anything but forcing himself to remain cool as a thin sheet of ice that threatened to crack easily.
"No duh," Alu said, pointing at Nikolai now. "You already work—no, manipulated— Ryou to work with your little posse, and on top of that, kidnapped Kōsuke!"
Fyodor smiled, irate and chivalrous. "That doesn't make me predictable," he countered, in a sickeningly sweet tone.
"The next step was to manipulate Odasaku and get him so you could bargain with Alu for his life," Dazai interjected, crossing his arms, glaring at Fyodor now, the jovial mood from earlier replaced once more with his darker nature.
Fyodor blinked at the two 'siblings,' glaring at him.
"You don't know what I'm going to do next," he replied, with a leer.
"You're gonna ask for us to trade Alu for Odasaku, and then use the safety of Kōsuke to manipulate her to do your dirty work," Dazai curtly replied.
Fyodor sighed, disappointed. "Ah, so you guessed—"
"—We're here to take Odasaku, but it won't be in exchange for Alu," Dazai continued, glancing at Alu from the corner of his eye. Alu looked lost in thought. Her brow was knit together in it to form a plan? Or was something off with her?
"—wrong."
Alu and Dazai stared with apprehension at the cloying smile their opponent was giving them both. Alu's eyes widened. "You want Dazai?" She immediately asked, sharply.
Dazai blinked. He hadn't actually thought of that, hilariously enough. He'd been so fixated on them wanting Alu that he hadn't stopped to consider they'd want him instead.
"As intriguing as that is, no, he's the last person I want," Fyodor deadpan declined, holding up a hand. He was still smiling but there was a slight grimace behind that saccharine grin.
"Dang it, I was gonna let you have him," Alu deadpanned, disappointed.
Dazai's eyes bugged. He looked at her, pouting. She was smiling though and he realized that she was teasing—-right? "You…"
"Just kidding," Alu held up her hands, "mostly," she smirked.
That was teasing….right?
"If not myself or Alu, who do you want?" Dazai asked, frowning. He couldn't think of anyone else. Maybe that Ranpo Edogawa, his brilliance would be useful to the opposition although Ranpo wouldn't comply unless Fukuzawa was in trouble and Fukuzawa could cut a man's jewels off without blinking. Maybe Yosano? She could bring one back from the brink of death. Even Kunikida who could summon stuff from a notebook was a plausible option.
"Nakahara," Fyodor hummed, gaze half-lidded as it dawned on the two of them—Dazai more so in comical horror—"Nakahara Chūya."
Long story short, they had used Alu's fox powers at the time to rage quit and get Odasaku back forcibly. While it had resulted in them both getting hurt, in the end, they had managed to rescue him. Unfortunately, this time around, Alu knew that the luxury of Juubi was not an option they had on their side. But they weren't at a disadvantage either because at least, this time around, Alu was prepared for what the opponent wanted.
—x—-
Alu wasn't the only one who remembered that exchange. Dazai, too, recalled it, and he was determined to get Odasaku back. He banged loudly on the door of the apartment he stood outside of. He needed all the chips he could put into his bag—consequences be damned.
"Pizza delivery!" Dazai called out, disguising his voice—somehow well and terribly at the same time.
"Who the hell—?" An angry, half asleep red-head snarled, opening his door.
Azure storm-grey eyes met dark muddy adobe ones.
"Yo," Dazai grinned, waving at the stupefied shortie standing like a statue, staring at him. "May I come in?" he asked, brightly, smiling at the disgusted red-head.
"Go die!" Chūya hissed, and he tried to shut the door but just then, realized Dazai had put his foot in the way of the doorframe. He tried to close it anyways and Dazai yelped in pain.
Hopping around outside the door, holding his foot, Dazai whimpered like a kicked puppy. "Chūya! Let me in! Please! I just want to see you!"
Chūya felt a shudder of pure unadulterated horror zing down his short spine. There was no fat chance in hell that Dazai meant any of that last bit. Plus, Dazai wanting to spend any time with him was suspicious as hell. While Mori forbade Chūya from pounding Dazai to a bloody pulp, it had been difficult for the smaller man of the two to not feel a deep sense of anger towards Dazai still for abandoning the Port Mafia.
Dazai was the kind of person who used and threw people away with no regard for their feelings. Like hell Dazai was here for any other reason than to use Chūya. But the troubling question was, for what? Chūya hated that stupid brown mop head. He was a real psycho. So what if he was the only one that could help Chūya control Arahabaki? Chūya was determined to do just fine without Dazai from now on when it came to using that ability of his.
Most of all, Chūya didn't want to be thrown away again.
By that person.
Screw Dazai.
Screw him hard.
"Chūya! If you don't' let me in, I'll hang myself from this really nice banister, I'm serious!" Dazai called out from the other side of the door.
"Then do it!" Chūya yelled behind his locked door.
There was a moment of silence.
"Oh my god, is that person trying to hang themself?" a sudden alarmed voice came from outside Chūya's door. Ah shit. He really meant to go through with it. God—-
Before Dazai could finish daintily putting the noose around his neck, in front of some actual passerby—sitting on the railing of Chuuya's outdoor access motel-style apartment, Chūya stomped out and grabbed him—noose and all— and dragged Dazai into his apartment. "Nothing to see here! He's just method acting!" He snapped at the onlookers, before slamming the door to his apartment shut.
Comically, like a dog on a leash, Dazai choked.
"Dazai, listen you—!" Chūya felt the rope sag in his hand, losing its tautness, and blinked. He looked at the foaming corpse on his doorstep and nearly screamed. From shock, mostly. He must have pulled too hard when he'd dragged Dazai inside. He actually looked dead. "GAH!" Chūya quickly undid the rope, checking Dazai's neck.
An angry red welt appeared on top of Dazai's bandages. Any guilt Chūya did feel was glossed over by the frustration he felt when dealing with this madman. "You're such an idiot," he growled at the unconscious trench-coat wearing buffoon on his floor. Let him stay on the floor like a dog! Yeah, he wasn't going to waste his anti-gravity ability on getting this guy somewhere comfortable.
Chūya groaned.
Plopping Dazai's sorry ass onto the couch, Chūya assessed Dazai's neck again. He had an angry red welt, and Chūya, despite hating this sorry stupid asshole vehemently, was only a little concerned. He huffed, and began to undo the existing bandages on Dazai's neck. He was unconscious so waiting for permission didn't matter.
Actually, now that Chūya thought about it, he'd never actually been the one to change Dazai's bandages. Not even once. Dazai had always worn bandages, for as long as Chūya had known him since they met when they were both fifteen. As he slipped off the bandages from Dazai's neck, he noticed the broach Dazai wore, for the first time. It was a pretty blue jewel that looked like the glittering sea.
Furrowing his eyebrows, Chūya thought the color of that broach looked similar to something else. But he couldn't put a finger on it. Oh well, not one to dwell on side thoughts for too long, Chūya applied some antibiotic ointment to Dazai's neck, before he began to re-bandage up Dazai's throat. His smaller, more slender gloved fingers brushed against what appeared to be one or two old scars. So Dazai didn't just wear these bandages for show. He already knew that on some level, but this was the first time he had actually cared to pay attention.
"I'm not gonna be this nice, next time," he warned the unconscious man who, now that the foam had dissipated, looked merely like he was in an uncomfortable listless sleep. Chūya thought he was marginally more tolerable when he was unconscious.
—x—-
Gogol Nikolai had always been odd. At least, that is how he enthusiastically encouraged all those blank faces of humanity to view him. Many hypocrites wore masks, but only Gogol Nikolai was honest enough to have the integrity to wear his own on his actual face. Nikolai was very supportive of freedom of expression, after all!
Strolling down the hallway of the fancy abode they were staying at, he unapologetically slammed open the door to Fyodor's study. "Fyo~!" He sang, in a sing-song demented anti-Disney princess fashion. Murder and conspiracy followed Nikolai like small animals followed a princess.
His voice immediately dropped, eyes bugging. "!" It looked like Nikolai was in shock.
Before him, lay Fyodor at his desk, but he looked gaunt and had the cartoon almond shaped eyes of staring out at nothing. Some drool dribbled down his half-open mouth. He looked like he was sleeping while still awake.
Gogol Nikolai felt concerned. Don't get him wrong, he wasn't an emotionless bastard or anything! In fact, he loved being emotional! But right now, distress was not a fun emotion. "Ah!" Nikolai used his special ability to open a space hole down in the kitchen. Grabbing some bread comically from the fridge with his severed floating hand, he brought it back into the room he was in with Fyodor now, striding over to his anemic starving half-conscious boss.
He held out the bread. Fyodor finally stirred. He bit Nikolai's sleeve, beginning to nibble. "Ack! Eat the bread, the bread, not my arm!" Nikolai yelped, exasperated, because being bitten still hurt even if he was used to it by now. Fyodor had a tendency to not register crap when he was like this.
Fyodor's plum eyes flickered, and obediently, he leaned towards the half-piece of baguette that Nikolai pushed against his face. Fyodor put his mouth on the tip, and then promptly swallowed the whole damn thing. It was like he didn't even chew. Nikolai was always fascinated with how his anemic boss managed to eat so little and yet fit everything —when he was motivated— down his throat.
When Fyodor comically finished, he began to cough like he was choking. Nikolai realized he ate too fast,but he was prepared. He was a gentleman after all. Whipping out a bottle of water, he handed it quickly to Fyodor. Fyodor drank like a parched small animal from the desert. He didn't care if he spilled some. Some dribbled down his chin as he finally parted from the bottle, wiping his mouth with his sleeve.
"Welcome back to the world of the living, boss~" Nikolai loudly teased, putting a hand on the back of Fyodor's chair, the other on his own hip.
"Mm." Fyodor ran a pale hand through his own dark fine hair. He gazed at Nikolai. "What are you staring at?" He asked, puzzled. Nikolai, despite his crazy antics, was one of the very few people Fyodor bothered to keep his guard down with. Perhaps it was because of their past history, but he could always count on Nikolai to keep things interesting, to say the least.
"Ah, you just look incredibly handsome as always," Nikolai grinned at him, wiggling an eyebrow.
Fyodor huffed. "You just say whatever you're thinking, as usual."
Nikolai giggled. "But you don't mind, do you?"
Fyodor smiled, resting his chin in his hands, gazing at Nikolai, head tilted, half-lidded leer on his lips. "Not at all."
A/N: I CALL IT. THEY GAAAAYYYYYY. THEY ALL GAY. I really wish they'd make DazaixChuuya less flat and toxic hahaha like it is in the show. Well, that's what character development in fanfiction is for cuz it ain't happening in BSD canonically LOL. Dazai doesn't have to be a completely unrealistic nice guy all of a sudden—that'd put Chuuya actually MORE off, lol, but he and Chuuya have not yet actually talked about how hurt Chuya must have felt when his 'friend' abandoned him. Chuuya says he 'hates' dazai but that's just a coping mechanism to shield him from the pain of Dazai walking out of his life during that 4 year drop off the face of the planet shit Dazai pulled.
I'm sorry, but Dazai hasn't ever actually changed since he lost Odasaku—he's just going through the mechanical motion of acknowledging his friend's dying wish— and referencing his suicidal depression as just a series of JOKEs without ever addressing how he's hurting is terrible writing. AT LEAST MAKE ATSUSHI USEFUL INSTEAD OF JUST EXISTING FOR THE SAKE OF PLOT. LOL. Not even Atsushi acknowledges or even tries to understand Dazai— his supposed 'mentor'. He literally just accepts whatever is in front of his kitten nose. It's lazy writing, is what it isss.
And the plot of Dead Apple. The plot? What Plot? —-EXCELLENT QUESTION. *flips table. Dazai was actually stabbed to death—a little damn pill isn't going to magically fix that! I can't wait to tear into the plot of dead apple with these fanfiction fingers of mine.
ON A BRIGHTER SEXIERI NOTE: NOTHING IS HETERO ANYMORE. SOUKOKUUUuu, FyodorxNikolai, LET it… *plays imagine dragons* SAIL.
Yes. I am losing my mind. I never even realized how gay ALL OF THESE chuckleheads could be until I got into their heads myself. If you've read this far into my fantastic dumpster fire BSD adventure I forever commend you and appreciate your continued viewing and hope to continue to bring more sexy content to the table cuz fanfiction is always sexy. HUZZAH.
Except for Gide. He's just french. Jk. I love me some France man. But honestly. so much more could have been done with him and instead he's just got a suicidal hard on for Odsaku to stroke. I mean really. He's like a really bad french version of Dazai and Fyodor combined. But yeah, I am gonna write this so Gide makes more sense because I kinda only half got what they were going for but really, it was completely unnecessary and there was honestly no reason for Odasaku to die or for Dazai to even just let his friend run off alone to get himself killed. I'm sorry, but Dazai is clingy af to that man. He would not just lEAVE HIM. AND IF RANPO EVEN DEDUCED HEY YOUR GONNA DIE, then uh, you know…GET THE ADA.
I will. GIVE EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THESE BUNGOU stray Bitches the character development they fucking deserve, and continue to belly dance on the holes of the logic in this manga/anime AMEN. If you like reading about a fanfic author's slow descent into BSD madness, you'll enjoy continuing to read the shitsorm I have coming. ENJOY THE ANGO ANGST. I KNOW I AM.
HIT IT NIKKY.
*has Nikolai play the saxophone after bribing him with pics of a sleeping Fyodor with panda ears and face paint.*
