WARNING: THIS STORY COULD INCLUSE SLASH, MASTURBATION, SEX, SEX TALK, AND CRUDE HUMOR. DO NOT READ IF YOU DO NOT LIKE, CLICK THE LITTLE BACK BUTTON. THIS FIC IS RATED 'M' FOR A REASON. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. And if you have a problem with it please PLEASE talk to me about it and I will edit the story or take it down. Do not report me to fan fiction. This story is all in good fun and I don't wish to offend anyone.

A/N: Most of the story is Harry's thoughts, and the italics are parts of books. Please read and review no matter what you think of the story! Criticism is welcome (not liked—but I won't freak out as long as it is constructive criticism) Enjoy!

Harry tossed and turned in his bed, trying to force himself to succumb to sleepiness that just would not come to him that night. He couldn't sleep, so he faced one of the few activities that made him feel comfortable: roaming around the castle in his invisibility cloak.

He was careful not to wake Ron, as he would probably want to come with, too, and after some strategic rummaging and tossing of clothing, Harry found the cloak. He quickly headed into the hallway and just wandered wherever his feet took him. A while later, minutes or perhaps hours, one could never be sure, Harry found himself quite uneasy and figured it was probably Filch out to torment him; so Harry thought it best to hide out in an empty classroom for a couple minutes until he passed.

He entered the nearest classroom and found shelves and shelves of books! None were less than two inches thick. He quickly shut the door behind him and grabbed a book from the nearest shelf and headed to the overstuffed chair sitting near the shelves. Studying the book more closely, he realized it was titled The Penis: and a guide to it's deepest pleasures. Curious, he opened it and started flipping around.

Some of the entries were completely worthless and insane, who would put those into a book, he wondered.

Masturbation: Excitation of one's own genital organs, usually to orgasm, by manual contact or means other than sexual intercourse.

Useless! Who in their bloody minds wouldn't know that! What the hell are these books doing in here anyway? He flipped a little further.

Ooh, now this he could see himself liking…. Ooooh, even better! Masturbation instructions, huh, now I understand where this whole masturbation definition is going… OOooh Baby! Maybe I should try some of these out… I mean, I can never really satisfy myself when I need to. I try, but I can never get there, I always seem to turn myself off…

Okay, so it's settled, then. I'll try it. But just this once, cause I want to see what it feels like. Just this once, I'm not going to turn into one of those freaks who is masturbating like every hour or so.

There are several different suggested techniques when using masturbation, but they will be different for everyone because everyone and their feelings are different. So if one of the steps doesn't work for you, just skip it or change it a little so that it feels right with your body.

First of all, you need to be masturbating about someone; not just in general. You will always have better results this way. For example, pretend that you are engaging yourself in sexual activities with this person, and pretend that they are the one doing this to you. You are kissing them, moving closer, pulling off their shirt, their bra, and massaging their bare breasts. You take them into your mouth and suckle on them until they are as hard as ice; then they do the same for you. (This is the beginning of a pretend example of what it would be like for a heterosexual male)

If you are homosexual, try this fantasy example instead: You and your man are kissing heatedly, making out. He slides his tongue deeper inside your mouth and pulls off your shirt. He plays with your nipples while kissing you, then kisses you more gently and takes your nipples into his mouth. Soon, he makes a trail of kisses heading down your stomach, abs, and pulls down your pants. He then lazily massages you through your boxers, and gets you as hard as a rock doing only this. Then, he takes your boxers off…yada, yada, yada.

When masturbating, it always helps if you are thinking that someone else is doing it because it always seems to push you along further. This is the first step to proper masturbation. You must find the person of your fantasy and figure out what fantasy best suits you. First of all, you need to figure out what you most enjoy doing with your sexual partners. Male or female: decide which one you would rather have in your fantasies. You may also include several people in your fantasy, but that is more complicated.

Harry looked at his watch, and realizing that it was almost time for breakfast, decided that he needed to head back to the common room right away! But a little nagging in his pants reminded him that he had a different problem to face first…..

A/N Yes, yes, yes, I know this chapter is really really short, but please leave a review anyway… it sets the scene for next chapter. I don't care what you say, even if all you have to say is that it was a short chapter, or an interesting beginning, or that it sucks…. I don't care, just please leave a review! And I promise if I get a lot of reviews, the next one will be longer. Btw, if you like this story, read my other ones, I think you'd like those, too…