Author's Note: I'm not really making fun of Craig so much as making fun of emo (which I love, by the way - its just fun to make fun of). But I'm sort of making fun of both. This is really dumb. I realize that. Thank you.
The Ridiculously Stupid & Offensive Degrassi Parody
chapter four - the emoness
Craig stood in front of the mirror, admiring himself. He was so handsome, and he knew it. That's why all the Degrassi girls wanted him. It was true! They had each liked him at one point in time. Emma, Manny, Ashley, Ellie. He was the hottest guy at Degrassi. It was all in the hair. He looked like he could be part of the cast of Degrassi Jr High with his poofy 80s hair, but all the girls loved it. It was undeniable.
Craig was a living, breathing tragedy! His sweat oozed emo. He'd been through so many rough things. That's why he was such a great writer. He had so much life experience. He had bipolar disorder and took medicine for it. If that wasn't emo, he didn't know what was.
Of course he tried to play it tough, but he really was just a puppy. A silly songwriting emo puppy with poofy hair. How irresistable.
"Craig?" He heard a familiar voice behind him, yanking him away from his own beautiful reflection. Right. Ellie was over at his house.
"Sorry. I couldn't keep my eyes off of myself." He answered, taking a seat and yanking out his guitar. Ellie gazed at him lovingly, head turned to the side, a loud sigh escaping her mouth. Wrapped up in his own thoughts, Craig didn't even notice.
"I want to play you this song I wrote." He said.
You make me want to stab myself in the heart
Just to know that I'm okay
And the blood feels so nice
You make me want to die
Just to know that I'm alive
Because you're so beautiful
And when I look into your eyes
I fall into them and drown
This is my incredible emo song
You must obey the emoness
Because I cry every night
And I look way too good in eyeliner
I'll admit I've tried on Angela's pants
But they were a bit too short for me
Yeah I hope Emma teaches me to be anorexic
I want to look that good
And maybe I'll buy some thick rimmed glasses
So my look can match my bleeding emo heart
I'm sad because I can't rhyme very well
That just adds to my emo-ocity
My life is horrible and I want to die
Tears were in his eyes as he finished, and Ellie sat there, trying not to laugh. This was the stupidest song she'd ever heard. It was okay in the beginning, but it got really terrible. Was it a joke? Ellie hoped so. She didn't say anything, waiting for him to tell her it was a joke, but he didn't. She frowned, speechless.
"I um. Liked the beginning." She finally said after a few minutes.
"Oh I know. It's such a great song. It'll be a hit seriously. Oh you should teach me how to cut myself. It's so cool. Like, I want to cut stuff into my skin and let the scars form and then I'll have tattoo like things! For free! How sweet is that?" Craig exclaimed.
"You're insane." Ellie answered, picking up her stuff and getting ready to leave.
"DON'T YOU SAY THAT TO ME!" He screamed, throwing his guitar across the room. It landed on the floor with a loud thud, breaking into pieces. "Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo." He sunk to his knees, bursting out into sobs.
"Wow. This is pathetic. I can't believe I ever liked you. I think I'll go home and spend time with my alcoholic mother. Holding her hair back while she pukes will be a thousand times better than staying here with you. Ugh." Ellie stomped out the door, leaving a crying emo Craig on the floor. His eye makeup smudged, but he didn't care. It only made him look better.
Author's Note: The beginning of Craig's song is a lot like stuff I write. So I'm making fun of myself in this chapter. I do in fact have thick-rimmed glasses. Oh the horror (of myself.)
