Notes: sorry about that my computer went on the blink

Chapter 1 – Empty Page

Addie's POV

I feel my heart flutter goddamit I'm not supposed to feel like this about him. He's not supposed to make my heart flutter in my chest anymore. Its not fair I'm with Mark and he's with I don't know Keira said there was someone but she never told me who. Though she told me it wasn't her. Probably a good thing too though I wouldn't have had anything against it, its just that it would have freaked mom out yea thats what it was. It's been two weeks since Derek arrived back in Seattle and its been fun avoiding him and pretending he's not there. Which fortunately I haven't needed a consult or anything from him which is fine with me. He and Mark have talked I know that according to Mark they are slowly mending their friendship so which is good for both of them. And I'm happy doesn't make this any easier though. "Your going to have to eventually talk to him you know," a familiar voice beside me says.

Its Keira miss-little-know-it-all I hate that she has always been like that as well. Especially when it came to me and Derek. My sister has always had to have the last word in edge wise I turn to her and cross my arms she's staying with Mark and I in our house and takes a kick out of it whenever she catches us making out on the couch or something. "I know that miss-know-it-all but I can take my time we had a conversation but I'm dealing with this differently than most people would," I say. Oh yea avoidance is the name of the game here. We had been doing it ever since that night the night she didn't make it. We never dealt with that and probably never would. "Derek and I haven't had a real conversation in four years not since that night."

I didn't need to continue Keira knew what I meant. That was the best thing about having a sister that understood. No one had been there for either of us or I'm sure or I'd hope that we would have been able to work it out somehow. I don't know how but somehow I would have been able to make it better. And that wedge might not have been driven in between us. "Yes I know Addy and that night changed it all for everyone and it hurt and it sucked but why couldn't you two just sit down and talk about it?" Keira asked.

I almost laughed at that talk me and Derek we used to be good at that. In the early stages of our marriage we were really good at that among other things. We'd tell each other everything and anything when we weren't doing other things. We'd been through everything together and nothing would be able to change that for all the money in the world the two of them would always be the way they were. When he'd left me for Meredith I expected him to fight for her after she chose Finn but no he did what he always did he ran and hid Derek Shepherd had always been the best at that. "Keira Derek and I have always had this moment where we were going to talk but we never did and he through himself into work was hardly ever home I mean do you think he even noticed when I spiralled into an abyss of darkness that was my own hell no he didn't," I say. "I needed him to be there to hold me but he wasn't he pulled away almost like it was my fault that she was gone."

I look down and I feel her eyes just staring at me and I know she's trying to think up something reassuring to say but theres nothing that she could say that would help me. It may have helped a really long time ago but that was a really long time ago and it hurt more than anything else. I hold up my hand telling her not to say anything. I have patients who wont wait while my sister thinks up a kind thing to say. I pick up the chart of my patient and walk away I round the corner and bump into someone. "Oh god I'm sorry," a familiar voice says.

I look up and yes sure enough there's Derek it may be a big hospital but the hallways weren't that big and what was he doing on my floor anyways. He doesn't have a chart and I know I didn't call for a consult though I wasn't the only person working on this floor. But that wasn't the point. What was he doing on her floor. I brush my fingers through my red hair and look down at my shoes and then I look at him and give him a small smile. "Hi Derek," I say. Oh yea smooth Addy smooth. He has a tiny smile on his face which actually makes me feel better. But yea I'm also procrastinating. I feel so stupid thats my problem I shouldn't be feeling what I'm feeling but I am and I hate it. I'm with Mark but when it Derek everything seemed to go out the window. "Ah how have you been?"

I'm still looking down and he tips my chin up and he looks into my eyes and I see worry there and pain and something else. And unfortunately I know what that something else is. But I don't want to comprehend it, it would bring up too many things which I don't need. "I'm all right I'm worried about you, you walked away from me the day that I came," he said. Ah yes that was not my proudest moment I must admit. You don't generally try to get as far away from your ex-husband as humanly possible. But I'd hid yes I'll admit it when it comes to such things I hide and I hide very well. And Richard had kept me in that meeting for the next few hours god bless his soul. I know Adele had wanted him to retire but without Richard there I don't think this hospital could function. "Addy."

Right you haven't answered him though technically it wasn't a question. Oh shut up would you and answer the man he's staring at you weirdly. I look into those deep blue eyes you know thats one of the many, many things that had made me fall in love with him. All right the truth not the entire truth some of the truth. Lying won't help you and you'll probably be caught out later anyways. He's tracing my cheek now no no bad move Derek. "I've been avoiding you because I don't know how to deal with you being back I mean Mer and Mark are good at this but I'm not I've never been good at making sure I don't make a fool of myself." I bit my lip and took a step away from him. "You broke my heart Derek not just with Meredith but with leaving again. So this I don't know how to deal with this it scares me I love Mark."

I see him nod oh yea nodding what does that mean give me a response I don't even care what the hell it is. Hell thats not the truth I do care I care way too much for an ex-wife. "I needed to disappear I'm good at this running thing I've been doing it all my life I mean if it wasn't running from the life my parents wanted for me it was running from you and what happened. Their death killed us and I think we didn't know how to deal with that. And it put a strain on everything that we were." We'd never talked about this before I guess we never knew how to make that right. We are surgeons we have this thought that we can fix everything but not everything within our grasp can be saved. We wanted to save everyone but we can't thats not the way life is meant to be. "Addy I'm sorry about everything."

I look at him "you have nothing to be sorry about this is my fault just as much as it is yours," I say. I brush my fingers through my hair I should stop doing that it looks like I'm self-conscious or something. I almost wish I could turn back the clock back to before I started the affair with Mark but I'm kidding myself things were bad even before I started that or was it oh god nevermind. "We aren't very good at dealing we never have been I think its because in our heads we're surgeons and we should be able to deal with almost anything but when it comes to personal stuff it just stops our brains think its wrong to have to deal with something almost so meaningless that we shut down." I take his hand and smile "I couldn't forget about what we had if I tried it was eleven years of nearly pure bliss."

Derek laughed and I see him shake his head its good to hear a laugh I don't think we do that enough in life and maybe we should I mean they do say laughing is the best medicine I'm not sure about that but maybe they are on to something. But god who knows. "Well I wouldn't want to forget that either you'll always have a special place in my heart no matter what," he said. He puts his arms around me and we hug, "Addy I need my best friend back and I want to be able to tell her things." That will take time but I think we can work on that hell I gave Mark a second chance to prove everything would work out between us so you know there is probably still hope for me yet.

I pull back and smile, "maybe there's hope for you yet Dr.Shepherd so wheres this new girlfriend of yours I want to meet her unless she's too scared to meet me," I say. Okay so maybe I'm a tad sadistic I'm not going to do anything to her I just want to meet her. I want to size her up see if she's worthy of Derek's love. See I'm well on my way to being a good best friend. Of course on the other hand this might be his baby yea okay he doesn't need to know that right now though. But you'll have to tell him your pregnant because Mark said you have to do it. Chicken of a man.

I see him look around him what is she working on this floor I mean I know from Mark that she was beginning work here. But please not in the neo-natal unit I don't think I could deal with that. That would be going beyond the call of duty and I'd want to hit Derek over the head for falling for someone else in this field. Maybe she doesn't work on this floor maybe I'm procrastinating for nothing. Almost like he could read her thoughts. He smiled. "No she's n0t in neo-natal she's a neurosurgeon like me her names Dr.Charlotte Ramsey I met her when I moved back to New York she's a friend of your sisters."

I eyed him no he couldn't mean Charlie my sisters childhood friend okay well both our childhood friend thats not right somehow. I didn't even realise she was in New York wait haven't been there in quite a while so how would you know if she'd moved there or not. But hooking up with my ex thats just odd wait nevermind thats not odd thats just yea. Wait again she has done this before right thats why we haven't spoken in years. Senior year she stole my hunky boyfriend right out from under my nose. "Oh right Charlie haven't seen her in years," I say. And I don't really want to see her now either.

I feel rather than hear someone come up behind her. Don't ask me why maybe its like some sort of sixth sense but I know she's behind me. I turn around and yup there she was miss blonde woman with nice hair. Okay now I'm sounding like Meredith did I'm sure when she first met me. Huh but I still tower over here good thing for heels and my wonderful height. Why do I feel like letting out an evil cackle. But probably wouldn't work. "Hi Addy," she says. She comes round and wraps her arm around Derek as he does the same she's not as pretty as I remember her. She looks a little sickly actually must be all that dieting that she's done. Oh god thats cruel but I can be cruel I get to be cruel. "How have you been?"

Hmm how have I been? In nineteen years since I caught you in bed with MY boyfriend didn't even care about that at the time did you all you wanted was him all to yourself screw me and wait how come you've got your claws in my ex-husband how did that happen. I plaster a happy smile on my face "hi Charlie well you know nineteen years is a long time lots has happened got married, got divorced, got a good job head of my department and you know all that. How about you?"

Why do I suddenly feel like I'm back in high school and am competiting for the affections of another guy. But the truth was, was that I'm a grown woman I can be civil or I can try to be when I want to be. I can almost see her bring Derek closer and he seems to notice as well and while I assume they are together they aren't that together yet. He untangles their arms. Making a quick escape smart man. "I have to go see to a patient I'll leave you two to catch up," he says. He walks away quickly.

I watch him walk away and then I see Charlotte's about to say something I hold up my hand. "I don't want to hear it seriously stick your apologies. I have patients." I walk away yes I'm a thirty-seven year old woman a surgeon doesn't mean I have to play nice with her. I turn the corner and look back she's still standing there and her mouths gaping. If I was even a little more evil I'd call back but I'm not that type of person. I walk away.

Later that day in Mark and Addy's house

I walk into the house its been way too long a day and I smell food I smile and hang up my coat and put my bag away in the bedroom. I walk in and Mark's at the stove while Keira's setting the table. Sure I'd come home to this every night since well Mark and I moved in but it was still nice. "Evening all," I say. I walk over to Mark and brush my lips over his he wraps his arm around me and pulls me against him and deepens the kiss slightly. "Mm always a nice way to be welcomed home." I pull away and as I walk by I squeeze his ass. I grab some orange juice out the fridge.

Keira looks at me and I tilt my head as I pour some juice for myself. "Why did you treat Charlie like that she doesn't deserve it you know," she says. "She didn't know Derek was your ex until I told her."

I shake my head and look away, "I don't really care Keira I know you say oh it was a long time ago but it hurt me and she didn't even care she just stole him because oh gee it was a conquest to her and she flaunted it in front of my face after she did it as well," I say. I shake my head, "so sorry for putting up a defensive because she's dating my ex-husband."

To be continued...

wee thankyou everyone for reviewing its always nice. Right Charlotte looks like Nicole Kidman the blonde Nicole Kidman. Also YAY Eric Dane has been made a regulur on Grey's Anatomy McSteamy's here to stay.