A/N: Thank you all for your kind reviews, and a special thanks to MademoiselleRiddle - your review really touched me! x
XXIV REFLECTION OF US
𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐇𝐔𝐌𝐀𝐍 𝐌𝐈𝐍𝐃 𝐖𝐀𝐒 a fragile thing.
Caterina had come to realise it long before she moved into the Shelby household, when the trains, overflowing with tired veterans made their way back home, bringing in the hollow remains of the men once eager and willing to leave their blood and bones on the foreign soil for the sake of their homes.
For most of that men it only meant 4 more years of waging war inside their heads, instead of the trenches across the sea. They patched the missing pieces with poisoned smoke and hard liquor, pushing down the mud, the blood and the murky fog that enveloped their dreams in a deathly grip. Clear mind, soundness of sanity — it was a luxury far too few possessed.
With every day that passed, it chipped away, steadily, until one's left to grasp at the remains, nails dug in and crawling in hopes of retaining the picture of what they are.
Whiskey was easier to swallow than the fact they were broken beyond repair.
You sharpen your eye and polish your gun and get on with your day, and then another, and another. The numbness made it easier to kill, because, once you've killed the flame in your own soul, what difference does it make to take someone else's?
Cat shuffled through the creaking house, making last preparations before the reopening party at the Garrison. They were expected to appear at eight but it was ready well past seven thirty and she was nowhere near ready, with her hair still in the heated curlers on her head.
She walked down the hall to Arthur's room to see if he was in an agreeable state to head down to his pub. It would be inappropriate that the owner of the renovated pub didn't show up — there were some appearances that had to be kept up, after all.
The last thing she expected to find was Finn handing Arthur a tiny blue bottle, a familiar kind she'd seen in London clubs and, as of late, in women's toilet rooms at the races.
"Finn Charles Shelby!" She flung the door wide open, startling the man and the boy in the room.
The young boy whipped his head in her direction, like a child caught with his hand in the bowl of sweets. A shot of dread filled his stomach and he was well aware he'd be in a lot of trouble for this.
"How do you know my middle name?!"
"Ya middle name is Charles?" Arthur questioned, turning to look at this youngest brother.
"I raised your sorry arse like a mother and this is how you repay me? With doing powder? You're fourteen, young man!"
"I didn't mean nothing wrong!" Finn tried to justify himself.
"Give me that. Shoo!" Caterina pinched his ear again for a good measure, throwing him out of Arthur's room.
"Eh you've got a good grip on 'im Cat. Don't want him to end up like us ya know. All we've done in life is to make a better future for 'im, for John's kiddies." Arthur leaned with his weight on the roaring fireplace, finding solace in the way the flames danced above the coals. They were predictable, unlike him these days.
With a sigh she lowered herself in the adjoining armchair, wrapping her robe tighter around her body. "I forget how old he is sometimes. He'll always be that little boy I taught letters and numbers."
"I hope to have one of me own one day. Don't know which sorry woman would settle for this life though," the oldest Shelby brother gave a mournful chuckle that tightened the strings around her heart painfully.
"I know Arthur. You'd be a wonderful father."
"I killed that kid, Cat," his voice was thick with emotion. "Beat him into a pulp."
She'd heard about the incident a few days ago, and the way he lost control over his strength and actions which resulted in the death of some boy. Thomas accompanied her as soon as they heard, to see the body they recovered after they unlatched his unstable brother — one couldn't tell if the damage was done by a wild animal, or simply an uncontrollable individual.
"That kid entered the ring with his consent, freely, knowing the consequences. Now tell me that isn't right." Cat bent down with a sigh, helping him with his tie.
"Listen, I don't agree with Polly and that godawful syrup she's given you — that's a nasty shit, just opium and bromide, and it just wipes you off completely. I don't agree with Thomas either because he pretends to not care, because he's been trying to bury his memories for too long now and he can't let them swim out in the open," she paused slightly.
"You're a good man Arthur, always was and always will be. But you've gone through the unimaginable horror of war and you need help. Will you let me help you, find you a proper doctor in London when this opening has settled?"
"Thank you."
"You're my sister Cat." His thick moustache wobbled as he reached forward to grasp her hand in his own.
"And you're my brother." Cat assured him with a warm smile. With a heavy sigh, she reached into the pocket of her robe for the devious bottle she took from Finn.
"Here, just for tonight. Can't have the owner of the fuckin' pub being a sorry glum bastard." She jested, unscrewing the bottle and pouring a bit of the white powder on the bedside table.
"That should be enough to keep you steady till tomorrow," she stood up to go and leave him to it, only to be interrupted by Arthur as she was at the door.
"Kitty."
She glanced back at him expectantly. "Yes, Arthur?"
"You ought tell 'im before it's too late," both knew what he was talking about.
"We live a dangerous life."
Cat gave a slight nod of her head. "I know." She whispered, disappearing down the hallway.
Where once there were plain, wooden chairs and matching tables, scratched by use and stained with spilled drink that sunk deep into the wood, now stood chairs upholstered with a burgundy velvet fabric, golden painted frames and shining mahogany tables.
It was exceedingly lavish, like those grand London clubs where champagne flowed in streams, its splendour mirroring Tommy's vision of affluence he strived towards.
"Take that. Take that an' all." Arthur hauled the crate with drinks up on the bar, boisterous and loud while he distributed drinks to the guests sitting around.
He spotted the new employee of Shelby Company Limited struggling with her lighter. " 'Ere you are, Lizzie. Let me get you a light. There you go, my darling."
"Having a good time?" A familiar Italian drawl whispered on her ear. Lizzie turned slightly to the woman that came up behind her.
"Cat! It's wonderful!" She leaned and embraced her tightly, careful with the cigarette holder in her hand.
"You look, well I have no words."
The green and gold sequinned dress that fell to her knees complimented the entire atmosphere of the party; and every time she moved it swirled and reflected the light in the room.
Cat's deep painted lips curled in a thankful smile. "It is, isn't it? How's work treating you?"
"Slow progress," she shrugged, taking another drag of her smoke. "Other coworkers are not so acceptable of a former prostitute."
A dark look crossed the brunette's features. "Give me the names and I'll deal with it. You know I'd do anything for you."
Lizzie chuckled slightly, patting the woman's hand gently. "No Cat, this is something I need to do on my own. Build a new reputation for myself."
"I'm so proud of you," Cat smiled, pressing a quick kiss to her cheek and continued her mingling with the guests.
Most were the family members of Shelby and Lee family, or the Blinders, but here were also some of Birmingham's important merchants and public figures. Cat made sure to impress them, in case the extravagant interior and free booze didn't.
"Thank you, Finn!" Cat stole the glass from Finn's hand in passing, downing it in one go despite of the boy's protests. "Keep him off the whisky, John."
"Will do captain!" John saluted with a wink, clapping his brothers shoulder as Finn's friends poked fun at him loudly. She knew he might hate her now for her meddling, but he'd be thankful for it in a couple of decades.
While she entertained the guests, a familiar figure stepped through the door, her eyes widening at the sight before her.
"Ada! I didn't know you were coming," Polly noticed her niece holding Karl in her arms, striding forward to kiss her cheeks.
"There's Aunt Polly," Ada told Karl who shyly snuggled into his mother's chest. "Aw."
They were soon joined by Esme who greeted Ada warmly, gushing over how quickly Karl had grown.
"D'you want a cuddle?"
"Yes, take him," Ada smiled thankfully when Esme cradled the boy, taking him to their table to see his other cousins. "Polly..."
"Oh, Ada, why don't you think about coming home?" Polly asked her mournfully. She missed the girl's presence immenselly
"Hello, Ada." A deep baritone interrupted their conversation. Ada lifted her eyes to see her brother, polished up as always, looking straight at her.
"Say you'd..." Polly cut her sentence as soon as she heard Tommy speak, shooting him a glare before she left dramatically.
"Tommy," Ada started, thankful for the glass of champagne he passed her.
"So what do you think, eh?" He asked her, gesturing at the interior, a proud smile on his face.
"It's very..." Ada searched her brain for an appropriate word, so as not to insult him.
"Gold?" Tommy supplied helpfully, smirking into his drink.
His sister let a little incredulous laugh at that. "Yeah."
"We had some trouble with the decorators, Arthur pulled a gun. But I'm very pleased how it turned out." Cat joined the siblings halfway to the bar, bringing John along from their table in the centre of the room.
"Hello, Ada," He grinned, embracing her.
"Hello, trouble, how're you doing? Oh, you're spilling my drink!" She laughed once John wouldn't stop rocking her side to side. He turned his attention to the bar where their older brother poured drinks one after the other.
"Hey, Arthur, look who it is!"
Once John wandered over to behind the counter, Ada stepped closer to her brother, lowering her voice so only Tommy and Cat could hear her. "So what d'you want me to say to her?"
"Just talk to her."
"No one can get through to her," Cat added, "I tried, we prayed, but she's stubborn as a mule."
"Tell her I had no choice. I appreciate this." He told her honestly, even squeezing her hand in thanks before he turned to some other guests congratulating him on the reopening.
Cat took the opportunity of Ada's presence to mend the tension that erupted months ago. "Can we get past everything, Ada? We've been through enough, you and I. It's stupid to fight over ideologies and politics among family."
"Well, I can't stay mad at you for long, can I?" Ada sighed in agreement, pulling the other woman in for a hug.
"I missed you," Cat mumbled into the others shoulder, feeling a weight drop from her back.
"Ada, come here, you!" Arthur boomed behind them, embracing his little sister in his wide arms.
Cat laughed as the giant squished his Ada tightly. "You big bear!"
They found Polly on the side of the bar, downing drinks like there was no tomorrow.
"Polly? Why don't you come and join us?" Ada nudged her aunt, watching her reckless behaviour with a very eye.
"At least come cut the celebration cake with us," Cat said, nodding slightly to where to rest of the family sat together.
"I'm not an idiot," Polly scoffed, her eyes finding Tommy, leaning on one of the pillars and subtly glancing their way every once in a while. "He asked you to come, didn't he?"
"I don't want conversation, I want an address. Until I have that, I've not got anything to say," the woman stood up, uneasy on her feet but giddy with the intoxication flowing through her bloodstream.
"Now, it's a party!" She grinned, adjusting her dress. "And I'm going to enjoy myself."
"No, Pol, don't be silly," the two women could only watch on as Polly swaggered through the pub and found some young man to dance with.
Ada sighed, taking the barstool Polly had previously occupied, Cat following her. "You getting laid tonight?"
She almost choked on the air in her lungs. "Oh, no, no, the only thing I'll be opening tonight is another bottle of gin."
"When did you get so boring?" Ada questioned her friend.
She got a raised eyebrow in response. "Who gave you the right to talk, Miss I-work-at-the-library?" Caterina accused her lightheartedly.
"You've always been the wilder of the two of us," she simply shrugged, remembering their youthful days of rebellious outings and mischief. "When's the last time you had a boyfriend?"
The question made her stop and think for a moment. God, she truly missed Ada's straightforward, uncensored way of speech. "A boyfriend or a boy I fucked with a couple of times? Cause I haven't had a boyfriend since school and I haven't had a decent fuck in months."
"A champagne and a double vodka with cherries," Ada ordered, still giggling from Cat's statement, passing her the vodka once it was set on the bar.
"You're twenty-six, for Christ's sake. Live a little. Bottoms up!"
The next few hours disappeared into a blur of gold and faces and copious amounts of alcohol in expensive crystal glasses. The buzz in her head allowed her one night of carefree laughter and spinning around the lacquered floorboards without the constant weight on her shoulders.
We are inevitably defined by the choices we make, big or small. The ones concerning ourselves, or the ones with a greater impact on the ones that surround us. Each and every one of them altered the paths some would believe to be set in stone by some all-powerful destiny written in the stars.
Caterina stumbled into the pub's bathroom, closing the door quickly to cut off the incessant lively tune that engulfed every inch of the room, and the accelerating noise of the guests as the time progressed.
Leaning her hands against the marble sink, she examined the woman that stared back at her from the mirror; her face was flushed from the heath and the dancing, lips still red and plump. She wove one hand through her unruly hair, unclasping the pearl clips that held it away from her face and placed them into the handbag she carried.
On the bottom of the bag laid the glass bottle of Tokyo she took from Finn. Ridiculous boy, she mumbled to herself, holding onto everything she could get her hands on until she reached an empty stall.
Holding the glass bottle over the toilet bowl, Caterina allowed herself a moment of hesitance. A moment of weakness she hadn't felt in a long while settled deviously on her shoulder, whispering softly, lowering her defences like a persistent lover.
The cigarette packs disappeared before midday, these days, and hardly any sleep could be found before three or four glasses of something strong to keep the noise inside her head silent for a few hours, just enough to catch a few hours before the dawn found her in sweat soaked sheets, twisting and turning from the gripping demons dancing around her brain.
The gilded facade was only a mask, a charade concealing the sense of despair hanging over them.
Caterina pocketed the tiny blue bottle and made her way out of the stall.
She was hell-bound, anyway.
