Chapter Two
Explanation
The world is round and the place which may seem like the end may also be the beginning.
- Ivy Baker Priest
"What the hell is this?" Cragen asked in shock after nearly a minute of silence. He folded the letter and glared at his detective.
"It's my resignation," Elliot said in a strained voice.
"I can see that, goddamnit, but why? What the hell happened? Why didn't you talk to me?" Even his anger couldn't hide his regret, grief, and confusion. He was losing the best cop he'd ever known, and he had no idea why. He felt like he'd been hit with a sack full of bricks.
"I'm glad you asked, Cap, because I want to tell you," Elliot began, and he paused a moment because his voice was shaking. He hadn't expected this to be a cake walk, but he hadn't realized until now just how painful it would be. "I just didn't put it in the letter because I didn't figure it was anybody's business except for the people I chose to tell."
Upon hearing the tremor in Elliot's voice, Cragen felt his anger flush away. "Talk to me, Elliot," he said gently. "I'll do whatever I can to fix it."
Elliot shook his head. "There's nothing wrong," he said. "There's nothing to fix. It's just something I have to do."
Don frowned slightly and nodded. Something told him there was no changing the other man's mind. "Can you tell me why?"
Elliot nodded. "About a year and a half ago, maybe two weeks before I was shot at the courthouse, Kathy's lawyer sent me divorce papers. I never signed them. She went to court to have the judge supersede my signature and declare the divorce final without my consent."
"I didn't know that," Don said sympathetically.
"I didn't want you to," Elliot told him. "I took a personal day and went to court to challenge the motion. I told the judge about how I was seeing Rebecca Hendrix and that I wasn't the same person I was when Kathy left me. I asked him and Kathy to give me another chance. The judge ordered six weeks of marriage counseling, and when we went back to court, Kathy withdrew her petition.
"We've been going to counseling twice a week since then," he continued, "and last night, without really meaning to, Kathy told me that the only thing left standing between me and my family is this job."
When Don frowned, he rushed to explain, "It wasn't an ultimatum. She wasn't threatening or manipulating me. She never even actually mentioned the job. She was just telling me what she and the kids needed, and I finally realized that I can't be that guy and do this job anymore. There's not enough of me for both."
"I could partner you with Munch or Fin," Don suggested carefully.
Elliot frowned in confusion and then laughed when he realized what the captain was probably thinking.
"This is not about Olivia," he said. "It's about me being a husband and a father and coming here and seeing what I do and then going home and not having any part of myself left for my family that isn't disgusted with human perversity, pissed off that I can't do more to change it, or . . .or scared to death that . . . that one day my wife or one of my kids is going to be . . . in a file on some detective's desk."
Elliot had begun to choke up while he was speaking, and Don waited patiently until he caught his breath and dabbed the moisture from his eyes.
"Why . . ." The captain found that he had to clear a lump from his own throat before he could speak. "Why not apply for a transfer to robbery, homicide, or the major case squad?"
He shook his head. "I've done homicide, there's nothing new for me there, and robbery, well, I don't want to spend the rest of my career running a glorified lost and found."
"And major cases?"
Elliot grinned. "How long do you think I would last before I slugged Goren or Logan?"
Don laughed. "You have a point there."
Elliot shook his head. "No, special victims is more than a job for me. It's . . . one of the things I was put here to do. We save people, Cap. We take kids out of bad homes and we give women the strength to face their attackers and name them for what they are. We don't usually get to see the final results of our work, but when we get the guy, at least we know we've given the victim a chance to get back some of what they lost. I know the work will never be done, but after thirteen and a half years, I think I've done more than my share."
"Of course, you have," Don agreed, "and I know this was a difficult decision for you . . ."
Elliot shook his head in disagreement. "I've known for years that it would come to this," he said. "Being a husband and a father is the other thing I was put here to do, and I haven't done my part in that for a while. When I finally accepted that it had to be the job or my family, it was an easy choice, Don, painful, but probably the easiest decision I've ever had to make."
Cragen nodded, understanding what his detective was saying. Looking out the window into the squad room, he saw Olivia with her arms wrapped around herself staring off into space and rocking in her chair. "Benson knows?"
Elliot nodded. "She proofread the letter for me. I wouldn't want to leave on a typo."
Don grinned, "No, I suppose not, but she forgot to have you sign it."
He passed the paper over to Elliot and noted that the detective took a pen out of his coat pocket and signed his name without hesitation. He knew now that there was no changing his friend's mind.
"Have you told Munch and Fin?" he asked as Elliot handed the letter back to him.
Looking sheepish, Elliot replied, "I was kind of hoping I could wait in here until they both came in. I don't know if I can handle saying goodbye twice."
Don nodded. "Ok."
There was a companionable silence for a few minutes as each of the men thought back over the years they had worked together. They had both cherished their relationship and would treasure the memories, good and bad alike.
Don cleared his throat. "There's going to be some paperwork for you to sign. I assume you want it sent to your house?"
Elliot thought a minute before saying, "Nah. Give me a call when it comes to you, it'll give me an excuse to come in and say hello."
Don nodded. "All right, but as long as I'm in charge around here, you don't need an excuse."
Elliot grinned. "Thanks, Cap."
"Have you given any thought to what you're going to do next? You're a young man to be retiring."
Elliot shrugged. "I'm pretty competent around the house, and I've built up a decent collection of tools over the years. I could start a handyman business. There's always a need for qualified, bonded security guards, and I've heard Brinks is hiring armored car drivers. Maybe I'll go back to school. I figure I'm smart enough to learn how to do anything I want. When I was a kid, I wanted to be an institutional architect and design hospitals, schools, and government facilities, stuff like that. Maybe the next generation of cops will be working out of a building with my name on it.
"Hell, Kathy's making decent money and the mortgage is finally paid. I could just hang around the house and play Mister Mom until the twins go off to college, and maybe by then Maureen will have made me a grandpa. In some ways, I feel like I'm nineteen years old again. I'm starting over."
"I almost envy you," Don said. As painful as it might have been for him to decide to leave, the prospect of stepping out into the world anew clearly agreed with him. He hadn't seen his friend this excited about anything since the twins started school.
Elliot looked out the window into the squad room. Fin was sitting at his desk frowning at the packing carton that was sitting on Elliot's blotter. Munch was still at the coat rack and probably hadn't noticed it yet.
"Well, the guys are here," he said to his boss.
"You want me to go out with you?"
After a brief hesitation, Elliot nodded. "It might be easier if they see that we're still on good terms and you're ok with this," he said. When Cragen didn't speak, he asked, "You are ok with this, aren't you?"
"Not really," Don answered honestly, "but we are on good terms. I just . . . I've always considered you a friend, Elliot, and I hate to see you go."
"I know that, Don, and I appreciate it, but I have to be honest and tell you, I think this is the best thing I have done since marrying Kathy in the first place."
Cragen smiled. "I think you're right, but that still doesn't make me happy to lose you."
Elliot laughed. "When you realize that the new guy isn't half the pain in the ass I've been, you'll wonder why in the hell you didn't fire me sooner."
Sharing the joke because laughing was less painful than crying, Don said, "You're probably right."
"I know I am." Elliot looked out the window again. Munch was at his desk now and he and Fin were talking and casting dubious looks at the packing carton on the empty desk. Jerking his head in the direction of the squad room, he said, "Let's get this over with."
Author's note: Ninety-three hits and only two reviews? Come on, people, give me some feedback! Love it or hate it? Confused by it? I want to know what you think!
For those of you who read the original summary, the quote is by the 19th century English author George Eliot, also known as Mary Ann Evans. Her most famous work is probably Silas Marner because so many children have read it in high school. According to the Wikipedia article about her, "She used a male pen name, she said, to ensure that her works were taken seriously." The quote in the summary is what the story is about. You don't know how much you love someone until they are gone. Using the name George Eliot was never meant to imply that it was George/Elliot slash. Sorry for all the confusion.
