Chapter Four
Selfish
To die and part is a less evil; but to part and live, there, there is the torment.
-George Lansdowne
Olivia maintained a strong front until Elliot was out of sight, then she crumpled in on herself. Turning a tear stained face to Cragen, she croaked desperately, "Captain?"
"Go," he told her, his own voice hoarse with more tears wanting to be shed.
She fled the room, running blindly and sobbing like a child who has just been informed of the death of a beloved pet.
Don turned to Fin and Munch. "You two are catching until further notice. Don't hesitate to ask if there is anything you need, got it?"
"Yes, Sir," the detectives responded almost in unison. There didn't seem to be anything more to say. Elliot was gone, and Olivia might as well be, at least for now.
Olivia hunkered down on the roof, so exhausted by her grieving that she would have fallen asleep in the warm spring sunshine if not for the sniffles that plagued her. When she heard the door creak open she looked up to see her captain staring at her compassionately.
Don groaned as he sat beside her on the black tar roof and hoped it wouldn't ruin his trousers. "You know, I always knew this day would come, but I still feel totally blindsided. I'm happy for him, though, that Kathy and the kids are moving back home."
Olivia sniffled and wiped her nose with the back of her hand in a most unladylike fashion. "I suppose," she replied noncommittally.
"Olivia, if you want to take the day that would be fine. Everybody knows . . ."
"Do not tell me everybody knows how I feel, Don!" she snapped. "They don't. He was their colleague, your protégé, but he was my best friend. I would sooner part with a limb or . . . or my soul than lose him! I feel like I have lost my soul."
"I was going to say everyone knows this is going to be hard for you," he corrected her. She just glared at him and then looked away. "It's not like he's gone forever. You can still see him as often as you want."
"That's not true," she wept, her chin trembling as she tried to speak. "The only thing we ever had in common was this lousy job. Without that, there's no reason . . ."
Her voice broke and she had to breathe before she could finish. "There's no reason for us to get together now. Without this job, I'll never see him again."
"Olivia, you have a similar sense of humor, you like the same music, share the same tastes in movies and friends, and you speak the same language," he told her. "I've seen the two of you hold entire conversations with just a look. You've got a kind of chemistry together that I've never seen between two people before. I guarantee you, any time you reach out to him, he'll be there."
She could think of nothing to say back to him, so staggered across the roof to the safety railing and leaned against it to look down at the city, but she was crying so hard again that she could barely see. She felt a presence when Don came to stand beside her, but she pointedly refused to look at him.
Leaning against the rail and staring out across the rooftops he said disappointedly, "In all the years I've known you, Olivia, I never would have imagined that you could be this selfish."
"I . . . Wha- . . . Selfish!" she sputtered in disbelief. She turned on him, a picture of outrage. "How dare you? How in the hell am I being selfish? He's the one who's . . ."
She stopped, not willing to utter the thought that had come into her head.
After a beat, Cragen asked, "What? He's the one who's putting his life before the job? He's the one who's reaching out for a chance at happiness? He's the one who's finally doing something we've all thought about more times than we can count? Maybe you're jealous because he's the only one of us who has something else to turn to."
Don felt his voice tighten up on him at that last thought. The fact was, he also envied Elliot. Once upon a time, he'd had something else as well, but she'd died years ago in a plane crash. Except for Olivia, they had all had something that they had lost along the way. Elliot had been the only one who had managed to recover it.
And now, Olivia had lost Elliot. She had joined the club. She had finally paid the full measure for working in the SVU.
"Olivia, you know what his family means to him, and you should be happy that they're coming home. Instead, you're pissed off at him and feeling sorry for yourself because you'll have to go out of your way to see him. If that isn't selfish, what is it?"
She opened her mouth to argue, but she knew he was right. She took a deep breath, gave him a wobbly smile and asked, "Is that offer for a day off still open?"
"You bet, but call me this evening, would you?"
She nodded. "Ok."
"Hey, how's it going?"
"Hi! Great," he told her. "How are you?"
He heard a deep shaky sigh from the other end of the line.
"I fell apart after you left," she admitted.
He could picture her lower lip trembling as she fought for control, and when she spoke again, he could see her face contorted in pain.
"Cragen gave me the day off," she continued. "I went home and bawled like a teenager who's broken up with her boyfriend."
"Sorry about that," he said sincerely.
"Don't be, you're doing the right thing for yourself and your family," she told him. "I want you to know that I'm happy for you."
"Thanks." He could tell she was dying inside, but he didn't know what to say.
"I don't want to lose you," she whispered, not trusting her voice to speak aloud.
"You won't," he swore. "You can call any time, and we can get together as often as you want. Anytime you need me, I'm here for you, Liv. That's what our friendship has always been about, and it always will. You're never going to lose me."
"Promise?"
Her voice sounded so much like a little girl's that he wished he could be there to hold her.
"Promise," he said. "Forever."
Another deep, shuddering sigh, and she asked, "How are Kathy and the kids?"
"Great," he told her. "Better than great. They're fantastic!"
For a moment, he felt a ghost of pain in his chest, a lingering ache to remind him of the heartbreak he had felt when they left.
"It's almost like they never left," he said, trying to convince himself that everything could be as it was before, "we've already had an argument and pouting."
"Really? Over what?" There was a genuine laugh in her voice, and he knew she was going to be ok.
"They wanted to rent Shrek. Again. I wanted Hidalgo because I haven't seen it since it first came out and I had to leave on a case before the end. They won. I pouted."
She laughed aloud. "You big dope, of course they won. You're outnumbered four to one."
"Five, actually," he corrected her. "Between the scene where he eats the locust and the one where he has to cut the wooden stake out of the horse's shoulder Kathy just can't cope. She voted for Shrek, too."
"Well, you're just gonna have to rent it for yourself and watch it late at night after they have gone to bed," she teased.
"You mean like a skin flick?" he asked. "I don't think so."
"Oh, why not?" There was a quiet moment, and then she asked, "Tell you what, why don't I rent it, and you can come over here to watch it some evening, say in a couple of weeks after you have settled back into the family routine?"
"Ok," he said thoughtfully as he crossed the kitchen to the refrigerator and flipped through the agenda Kathy had already posted there. "Soccer is Tuesday and Thursday, and basketball is Tuesday, Wednesday, and Friday. I'd like to keep my weekends open for a while because we really need to make up for lost family time. How about Monday, June 12th?"
"Are you penciling me in on your calendar?" Olivia asked with a laugh.
"No, I'm using ink," he said.
"Are you serious?" Her tone implied that she had thought he was joking.
"It's like I told you before, Liv. You're my best friend. I'll always make time for you."
There was a long silence, and then he heard a sniffle.
"Olivia?"
"Damn you!"
She didn't sound mad or upset, so he asked, "Why? What did I do now?"
"That was so sweet you made me cry again." She went quiet once more, and then, "Elliot?"
"Yeah?"
"Thank you."
"Dad! The movie's on!"
"Duty calls," he sighed, and then softly, "You know I love you, right?"
"Yeah. I love you, too."
"Call me tomorrow, if you need to."
"Dad! Hurry up!"
"I will," she said. "Now, go watch Shrek with your kids."
They said their goodbyes, and Olivia settled back against the pillows with a sigh. She really was happy for him and so grateful that he was still going to be there for her. It would be harder without seeing him across the desk from her every day, but she could do it. She would do it, for him, to make him proud of her. He was her best friend and he always would be. There was no way she would sour his happiness by falling down on the job now. Everyone would blame him, and he would blame himself. She would go back to the squad and be the best damned cop anyone had ever seen . . .
She curled up around her pillow and began to shake.
. . . as soon as she could stop crying.
