"Neh, neh, Kazuma, Kazuma"
"Yes, I'm Kazuma," the aforementioned soldier responded, not quite awake as he answered. Normally, he'd have been more worried, but he could easily recognize Aqua's voice. "What do you want, I'm trying to sleep?"
Aqua puffed up her cheeks, childishly prodding his shoulder. "You are still asleep, stupid. This is a dream visit," Aqua explained. "And is that anyway to talk to your patron deity?"
Kazuma groaned as he sat up, knowing she wasn't going to leave him alone. "It's the way you deserve. What do you want?"
Aqua clapped her hands, glad she had his attention. "Oh, not much, just wanted to tell you good job! You made a massive impact on your first day. Talking to Ruffian about the changes even helped make some people think a bit better about me!"
Eris, who Kazuma hadn't noticed, coughed, stealing his attention. "Yes, yes all of that is fine and dandy, but we do have other issues to deal with. I'd like to ask a favor of you, Kazuma, if at all possible."
Kazuma motioned for her to elaborate, not really having an issue with an extra thing to do or two.
"I have a follower, named Darkness. When you meet her, would you please be kind to her?" Kazuma nodded, not really having an issue with that on the surface. "Secondly, we have a lead on a few Divine Relics we'd like for you to recover. With Aqua taking her duties as psychopomp of Japan back over, it has afforded me more time to search. I believe there is one in Axel, but I need a bit more time to narrow it down."
Aqua burst back into the conversation at that point, throwing an arm around Eris's shoulder. "Oh! And we got a joint prayer just as we sent you down! A little girl named Iris specifically asked for an angel to show her awesome adventures!"
Kazuma gave Aqua a look that screamed 'are you stupid' in big, bold letters. "You want me, a soldier designed to kill, to babysit some kid so they can be an adventurer?"
"Yup!" Aqua proudly proclaimed, proud of herself.
"I refuse," he said, giving her a thumbs down.
"B-but you're my champion! My angel and all that jazz! You gotta!" She bawled, looking like she might start ugly crying at any moment.
Eris, sensing the brewing argument, cut in. "You don't need to actually take her on adventures, Kazuma. And what my senior here neglected to mention was that this 'little girl' is none-other than the princess of the realm. You'll likely end up meeting her anyway, so just be friendly, tell her stories, and be a good role model for her when she is old enough to go out on her own."
Kazuma motioned to Eris, giving Aqua an unamused look, "Why can't you make sense like her?"
"Wah! Why do you have to be so mean to me? I'm your goddess!"
"Because you make it too easy. Anything else?" Kazuma asked, completely indifferent to Aqua's crocodile tears.
"No, I think that's everything. Look out for Divine Relics, treat my follower kindly, and be a big brother figure for Iris. Aqua will be down once a week to get you more ammo and the like, so don't worry too much," Eris finished, patting her senior's shoulder to try and console her.
"Alright, well, I have one question. What do you want me to do about the followers you already have? They aren't going to like being told they're wrong," he asked Aqua, her tears drying up mysteriously fast.
Aqua tilted her head, thinking on that before turning towards Eris. "Are we allowed to make a divine appearance? I don't think I've done any in a few centuries, at least."
Eris hummed, thinking that over herself. "Well, it's your world and if we're doing it just to 'show the flag,' I don't think upper management would mind terribly."
"Wait, Aqua's world? I thought you were both goddesses of this world?" Kazuma asked, now confused.
"Oh, we are! Aqua actually made the world of Belzerg though. She might not act it, but she's the senior-most goddess in that world. I was actually once a mortal that worshiped her, way back when," Eris explained, nudging Aqua lightly.
"Mhm! She was one of my favorites and best friends, so I did what I could to keep her around!" Aqua proclaimed, hugging her friend.
"Yeah, and then somebody started getting jealous that I was getting more followers than her and started being a jerk, right Aqua?" Eris asked, the blue-haired goddess suddenly less cheerful, chuckling in embarrassment.
Kazuma gave the two of them a look before lightly bonking both on the head.
"Ow, what was that for?!" They shouted in stereo, holding their heads.
"You two really share a brain cell sometimes, you know that? Instead of making competing religions, you could have framed yourselves as part of a pantheon where people could play favorites instead of just picking one," he explained, knowing they'd understand since they knew the Greek and Egyptians already.
The two goddesses blinked slowly in confusion before they let out groans of frustration, feeling like complete idiots.
"That makes so much sense when you put it that way!"
"And that's why you're my Astartes!"
"Whatever, just let me go back to bed and stuff. I want to try and get myself a bit more established before I have to deal with nobles and the like trying to bug me." Kazuma didn't even wait for a response, just laying back down where he'd been, done with these bumbling goddesses.
Kazuma's eyes snapped open, the familiar ceiling of his Rhino greeting him as he truly woke up. Sitting up, he stretched his arms and shoulders, eager to get the day started. After all, there were still a few high bounty targets on the mission board.
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Kazuma had started at the crack of dawn, picking up another half dozen missions to complete. A Black-Fang sighting that he needed to try for, a gold dragon he used his Stalker Pattern Bolter to take down, Genbu had awoke only to be blown up with a few strategic Melta Bombs, the Dark Fortress Golem which had taken even more Melta Bombs, and around two dozen Lucador Melons that he had taken sadistic glee in smashing with a Thunder Hammer. He would admit he likely didn't need to use so many different weapons, but the long repressed nerd inside demanded he play with all of his available toys.
Belzerg should just be happy that Aqua drew the line at most vehicles and ordnance.
Strolling back into town, a jaunty tune on his lips and a pep in his step, Kazuma was finding himself actually thankful for the hell those two goddesses had sent him through. Sure, it sucked, but it allowed him to better appreciate just how good life really was, now that he wasn't there. Doing some quick mental math, he decides to try and buy some good will with the locals by buying a round of drinks for the hall. Maybe a few dozen even.
"Evening Luna, everyone behaving?" Kazuma asked, acting as if he'd been here for years instead of less than forty eight hours. Fake it until you make it and all that.
Luna perked up at her new favorite showing up. This morning he'd taken some of the longest standing bounties and, if his first day was any indication, they were about to be taken off. "Oh, nothing too egregious. Whatcha got for me?" She asked, leaning forward on the counter to give him a bit of a show.
Kazuma smiled, placing his card on the table, knowing her reaction was going to be great. "Oh, nothing much. Just a few more bounties taken care of. Some Lucador Melons and the like."
Luna pouted, having been hoping for something more exciting. Even Dust's party, the lech, could handle a few melons without too much issue. Opening up the card, her jaw dropped open, causing Kazuma to laugh. "You took out what?! Some of those bounties have been on the board longer than I have been alive." She sounded almost broken in disbelief, the sheer idea of such fixtures in the world being gone.
"Well, what do you expect when you send a goddess's champion to do grunt work? Stuff gets done." Kazuma leaned forward, playfully poking her forehead. "So, wanna go get my pay so I buy a few dozen rounds for the house?" He had been quiet when he asked, but Dust of all people heard him.
"Hey everybody, drinks are on the newbie!" The mooch shouted, causing a roar of approval to swell across the room at the promise of free booze.
Luna gathered her senses as the barmaids started serving pints. Kazuma hadn't moved, instead leaning against the desk. She took a moment to appreciate how he looked without his armor. While she'd known that the armor added a lot of size to him, it didn't add nearly as much as she'd expected. Even without it, in a plain tunic, pants, and boots, he was still the tallest and broadest guy she'd seen. Blushing, she turned away, pointing towards the backrooms. "I'll, uh, be right back. With the money and all that, yeah?"
Luna sashayed away, putting more sway in her hips than she'd intended. Kazuma, obviously, noticed, making a mental note to just go for it. Just as soon as the bounty board was cleared off.
"Alright, somebody get me the strong stuff, I wanna forget my traumas and enjoy the night!" Kazuma shouted, receiving a confused mixture of shouts and woops from the patrons. Tonight was going to be fun.
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The next morning, Kazuma woke to the single greatest headache he'd ever had. Loud, thunderous pounding pain like an Earthshaker shooting through his head with every beat of his dual hearts. It wasn't often that an Astartes managed to get hungover, but he'd somehow managed it. Fantasy world liquor must be a lot stronger than normal fare in the Imperium.
Kazuma started to take notice of his surroundings, realizing quickly that he wasn't in his Rhino, but instead in an actual bed with a wooden ceiling. He must have stayed the night in one of the rooms at the hall. He made to get up, only for a slight movement and cooing noise coming from his chest to stop him. Looking down, he realized he was naked as could be, and not alone in bed. On top of him, for there was no missing the equally naked form of Luna, slowly waking up.
The blonde slowly stretched out, her back arching like a cat as their blanket slid, revealing more of her exposed body before she rested back on top of him. "Mmm, morning big guy," she practically purred, her fingers tracing little patterns on his chest.
Kazuma was frozen in fear. He'd fought Xenos hoards, Deamonic incursions, slew Heretics, and survived the training that was initiation. None of that remotely prepared him for being in bed with a beautiful woman. "Morning yourself," he tried, hoping he didn't come off too panicked or nervous.
Luna giggled, having seen through him with ease. "First time?" she asked, no judgment in her voice.
Kazuma let out a breath he didn't know he was holding, nodding his head. "Yeah, not much time to try that kind of stuff out when training to be a champion."
Luna nodded, sitting up and fully exposing herself to him. She pulled her hair back behind herself so it wasn't in the way before smiling dangerously. "Well, time to make up for lost time then I'd say."
It was at that moment he stopped regretting going along with Aqua's silly plans as he truly became a man. Well, became a man that he could remember.
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Kazuma was, for lack of a better term, a new man. He could confidently say he could never again die a virgin, and that filled him with pride he couldn't properly put into words. He'd also managed to finish off every outstanding, high-level bounty the board had, save some that were seasonal or weren't nearby. He already had more Eris saved than he knew what to do with. Sitting in the hall, he smiled as Luna stopped by his table, putting a flagon of more normal mead down compared to the brew that had knocked him out that fateful night. She leaned over, giving him a quick peck on the cheek before getting back to work. Since that first night, it had been a roughly fifty-fifty split of her joining him and he couldn't find a single thing to complain about.
Refocusing, he tried to read through more of the new "Axis Holy Handbook." Aqua might have been reading up on the Imperial Creed slightly when she'd named it, but it was still miles better than the book her followers had made without her direct input. He'd help write most of it, but memorizing it so he could quote it and make sure the goddess didn't sneak in anything inappropriate was important. He'd already had to yell at her twice for putting in the whole "Eris pads her chest" gag.
He was honestly thankful that she was as lax about how her followers worshiped as they were, it made them free to make the book more useful than theosophical. The main tenants boiled down to 'excess, but in moderation,' slay the evils of the world, love freely. The rest of the book gave a summary on how to properly worship, holy days, and, surprisingly, the entire second half of the book being a guide on how to eradicate the more vile and evil entities the world had to offer. It was more an instruction manual on how to be a good follower than a normal holy book, and that was likely for the best with how her followers generally behaved.
Kazuma's musing was brought to an end as somebody sat across from him. Looking up, he thought that Luna had taken a seat, but that was quickly dashed as he noticed the differences, despite them both being well built blondes. Beyond looking younger, being in armor, having her hair in a ponytail, and seeming all around more severe, this girl actually had muscle definition, unlike his lover. "Can I help you?" he asked, closing his book with a bookmark for later.
"Yes, my name is Darkness! I had a dr-" she was cut off mid sentence as Kazuma waved her off.
"And Eris sent you a dream to track me down, yeah, yeah. She told me she wanted me to befriend you. I don't see why you'd need the help though, you look normal enough." Behind him, he heard one of the guys almost choke on his beer, being more familiar with Darkness's predilections.
Darkness blushed, unable to meet his judging gaze. "I thought you were a follower of Aqua?"
"I am, in a technical sense. I really couldn't care less about religion, but she wanted me to do some stuff and she helps me out, so giving her my faith is the least I can do," he explained, taking a sip of his mead and realizing it had gotten slightly warm.
Darkness seemed more confused, tilting her head. "But, then why did Eris tell you something?"
"Because they're best friends? Goddesses above, they really don't have a good information pipeline for letting mortals know stuff. Short version is that Aqua was a goddess first, Eris was one of her favorite mortals, she helped Eris become a goddess, Eris became more popular because she was more in touch with what mortals want. History lesson complete. Now, mind telling me why you have an issue making friends?" he asked, leaning forward on his elbows, curious to what the girl might admit.
Darkness squirmed under his gaze, blushing and breathing heavily. "This is so embarrassing. You want me to just spill my secrets out in the open, just like that? Mmph, if Eris hadn't given me the vision-" she kept going, getting more bothered, her breathing becoming heavier as she went on.
Kazuma had seen enough, covering his face with a hand. "Ah, you're a perverted masochist. Great. Well, I've worked with worse." He stood up, grabbing her arm and yanking her up. "Alright, come on, we're going to do a simple mission and see how you do."
Darkness, who had almost fainted in pleasure at being so roughly handled, eagerly nodded, giddy beyond words for such a demanding brute to be having his way with her.
"Luna, taking Darkness to fight some toads. Keep a meal warm for me, will ya?" Kazuma shouted, hoping Luna would overhear him over the din of the hall. A thumbs up from the counter was enough for him as he frog marched the Crusader to her trial by fire.
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Of all of his trials and tribulations, this was truly his ultimate challenge. They were just giant toads, and the blonde had almost immediately allowed herself to get eaten. Letting out a groan of frustration, the unarmed and unarmored Astartes walked right up to the toad, punching it in the gut and forcing her out as the toad croaked in pain. Kazuma stormed up to quivering Darkness, roughly grabbing her by her hair. "Do you want to be an adventurer or not?" he bellowed at her, channeling every bit of indignant rage he'd ever thrown at fresh recruits who endangered themselves and others.
Darkness made a pathetic moan of enjoyment, her legs clenching tightly together as she let her weight pull against his grip on her hair. "Nnn, tell me how bad I've been."
Kazuma was furious. This child didn't want to fight, she wanted to be a pervert. "If this is how you treat fighting monsters, I am going to do everything in my power to have your adventurer card revoked."
Darkness's eyes shot open, seemingly to finally catch onto just how furious he truly was. "N-no! Not that! I am a Crusader, a shield of the nation! If I can't do that, I, I-"
"You'd be nothing more than a pervert, instead of a pervert that could get people killed when it matters. You need to ask yourself what's more important, getting your fucking rocks off, or doing your damned job?" he asked, glad to see that she might be salvageable.
Darkness let out a whine, crying, looking like he'd just killed her pet. "I want to help people! I just, I can't help it! I have so much need and desires I can't help myself," she cried out, knowing that with all he'd done, Luna would likely revoke her card in a second if he asked.
Kazuma tossed her down, spitting off to the side. "I swear on Aqua's perfectly perky ass, I don't give a fuck! Find a way to control your urges when you're out in the field or else." Kazuma crossed his arms, watching her, seeing the wheels turn in her head.
It took longer than he'd have liked, but she eventually pulled out her Adventurer card, making a change or two before standing. The toad had only just gotten its own berrings, but not enough as she moved forward, plunging her sword into its gut. The toad let out a croak, slowly dying as she pulled her blade out, stabbing it a few more times for good measure, to Kazuma's approval.
Darkness flicked the gore and guts off her sword before putting it away, her knees weak as she walked back to Kazuma, tears in her eyes as she begged. "Can you help me find a way to control my urges?"
Kazuma, glad she admitted she needed help, nodded, affectionately tossling the woman's hair. "I think we can find a way to do that."
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"Alright, run that by me again, because I'm pretty sure that there was some crazy in my ear. You want me to just be 'okay' with you fucking the horny out of Darkness while sleeping with me?" Luna asked, her calm, collected tone not at all matching the words she said.
Kazuma raised his hands in defense, fearing for his life for the first time since he'd landed on this blighted world. "Look, I'm not asking because I want to sleep around or anything like that, I'm asking because it will actually make her a better adventurer." Luna said nothing, silently motioning for him to elaborate. "Well, more often than not, she's literally too horny to properly fight. If she can consistently get that out of her system, she should be more effective."
"And it has to be you, why?" She asked, ice and venom mixed in her voice.
Kazuma scratched his cheek, looking away in shame. "Well, would you believe part of the reason is that Eris wants me to take care of her?"
"Really? Eris wants you to fuck her? That's your argument?" Luna asked, getting close to shouting.
Kazuma waved his arms, shaking his head. "No, she asked me to take care of her! The girl has almost no friends because of her preferences and she's supposed to be really sweet when she isn't stupid with horny. Look, what do I need to do to make you believe me?" he asked, desperation in his voice.
Luna paused, thinking it over before scoffing, crossing her arms. "Ya know what, I'll give you a chance. If Dust shows up tonight and offers to buy a round for the house, I'll believe you."
Kazuma paled, knowing that leech would never offer to pay for a round for everyone, the idiot was far too in debt to afford something like that. Thankfully, he was proven wrong as the door was kicked in by the aforementioned insult to adventurers. "Guess who saved a noble and had his debt cleared in addition to a huge bonus? Drinks on me lads!"
Kazuma almost busted out laughing as he turned back to Luna. Her jaw was slack, looking back and forth between Dust and Kazuma, disbelief written on her face as she tried to process what had just happened. Eventually she just closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "Ya know what, a deal is a deal. I'll give it a try. But first, you're going to hold me, kiss me, and make me forget why I'm angry, deal?"
And like that, Kazuma found another teenage dream of his achieved; build a harem.
