A/N: I know I've been gone for a long time, my lovelies, but you must remember that I'm technically grounded. So be patient. I promise it's worth it. Wow, that sounded egotistical. Oh well.

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Christmas morning in Hogwarts had nothing on Christmas morning in the Star Wars universe. "Santa" had done "his" job well, and everyone had presents. They all decided to head out to the bridge (most in their pajamas) to tear into stuff.

Storm trooper TB314 stumbled out of his room in his heart-print boxers and immediately got mowed down by a forklift.

"Oh well," said Caroline remorselessly. "There's a million more like him, and now he won't miss his condoms."

Apparently, a lot of people had taken the note literally and got Anna and Caroline lots of presents. Thus the reason for the forklift.

When they and their forklift got there, the bridge was in complete chaos. Presents were being torn open, paper was being thrown everywhere, and "Thank you insert name here for the insert gift here" echoed throughout. Anna and Caroline joined in with gusto. At first, it was run-of-the-mill presents from people who barely knew them. Caffeine, processed sugar candy, chocolate, that sort of thing. Then, at nearly the same time (Anna got to hers first), they unearthed huge bags of glitter, shaving cream, and silly string. Party time.

Initially, Caroline just skipped around, showering glitter on everyone, paying special attention to people who mattered, like Vader, when Anna hit her with a simultaneous silly string/shaving cream shot.

War!

You think World War II was bad? The same person (RK097) who had given Anna and Caroline the ammo had given it to nearly everyone else as well. Even Vader joined in after someone hit him directly in the air-intake vent, but he sort of broke the spirit of the fight by hurling people around with the Force.

Eventually, so many people had been sent to the infirmary that it just wasn't fun anymore. Everyone but, you guessed it, Anna and Caroline (who had loads more presents to open) dispersed.

They continued unwrapping their gifts, having a contest to see who got the weirdest one. So far, Anna was in the lead with a miniature Jabba the Hutt that was actually alive, but Caroline's model of Qui-Gon's head made of Starburst had given it a run for it's money.

"How many points to you think this is worth?" Caroline asked, holding up a holo picture of the Death Star blowing up Alderon.

"Seven. This?" Anna had a giant lollipop with a phone number carved into it.

"Stalker. 8.3. What the hell is this?" She was staring, puzzled, at a green Styrofoam rectangle.

"Who's it from?"

She glanced at the black wrapping paper. "Lord Vader."

Anna found her own black wrapped package. Her Styrofoam was blue. She grinned evilly. "Training sabers!"

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Caroline had received an armor-piercing tranquilizer dart gun (6.5 points) that was impossible not to use. Soon Vader was out cold (her first two shots had hit him in the legs).

"If you want to decorate Lord Vader, come to the bridge," Anna announced over the intercom (which Vader had turned back on, thinking the torture was over).

A Dark Lord of the Sith had never looked so pretty. Vader had all kinds of cute bows on his mask, his cape had tissue paper glued to it to make it look pink, his armor was covered with wrapping paper to look like trendy clothes, and "hair" made out of ribbons was attached to some of the bows.

They were gone before he woke up. He had no idea he looked like the world's largest transvestite.

So of course that was the day the Emperor decided to visit.

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A/N: You know, I could leave you hanging here at this cliffie, hopelessly waiting, waiting, the anxiety clawing at your guts, wanting to know what happens next, but knowing it'll probably be two weeks before you find out. But I'm nice, so on with the story!

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The Emperor in real life is a lot different from the Emperor of the movies. He's still butt ugly, but his personality is way different. "Vader!" he said, disembarking from his shuttle. "How's my favorite…" he caught sight of his apprentice. "Shit! What the fuck happened here?"

"What?" Vader asked, then hastily added, "Master."

"Vader, you look like a woman!" said the Emperor, and summoned one of the shinier droids over to them.

Vader gasped.

"Why are you doing this, huh? Are you…well…experimenting? Because if you are, I understand completely. I know a great coun—"

"No," said Vader with a tone of finality. "I am not experimenting. Excuse me." He stormed out.

"Get me a G&T," His Imperial Wrinkliness said to the shiny droid (A/N: Gin and tonic).

A few minutes later, Vader, now de-decorated, returned with two smirking teenagers.

"Who are they," Palpy demanded, fiddling with the lemon in his G&T.

"Two humans from Earth, my master."

"Why are they here?"

Anna and Caroline exchanged a glance, stepped forward, and started singing again. They were very musical, these girls were. This particular song even had motions to it.

"A long, long time ago,

In a galaxy far away,

Naboo was under an attack…"

-Five and a half minutes later-

"Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi."

Palpy was on his third G&T. "So they sang this little song, and you brought them here?"

"It is belittling to the Empire."

Caroline figured that she was in danger of being sent back to Earth for not being belittling enough, and jumped to act. If they got themselves sent back, Anna would kill her. Verbally, that is. She asked, "Palpy, how come your skin's so saggy? When's the last time you actually got someone to do it with you? Like, fifty million years ago?"

"See?" Vader said.

Normally the Emperor's visits lasted several weeks. He would arrive, take care of whatever business he needed to, then make up excuses to stay and lord it over Vader, drinking all of his booze and humiliating him with announcements like, "Vader! Get your plastic asthmatic ass to the…wherever I am…now!"

Anna and Caroline had him very drunk and back on his shuttle in 5 hours.

After His Imperial Ugly Old Sithiness was gone, Ana approached Vader. "So, about our Christmas gifts…?"

"I have decided that you will be trained in the ways of the Force."

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A/N: I like to end on an ominous note sometimes. Now you get to review.