Harry: *snoring, before suddenly being awoken* Huh? What the? We've started? *sees the chapter number* WHAT THE FUCK?! Chapter 3 and I've only just made my first appearance? What the hell were the first two chapters? *hears knocking at the door* I really hope it's a reasonable hour right now, otherwise…
Vernon: WHO THE FUCK KNOCKS ON THE DOOR AT ELEVEN IN THE EVENING?!
Harry: Apparently not *goes downstairs to see who it is*
Petunia: Vernon? Who is it dear?
Vernon: Probably just some weirdo or drug addict.
Dumbledore: *apparating into the house* What the fuck did you say about me?
Vernon: What the…how did you…?
Harry: Magic, sir.
Vernon: You brought him here, boy?!
Harry: Believe me, he's far from the first person I'd bring here from the magical world.
Petunia: Well, tell him to leave.
Harry: Can't do that.
Petunia: Can't, or won't?
Harry: Bit of both, actually. You see, there's nothing preventing me from asking him to leave, but I also know for a fact that he won't listen.
Dumbledore: Damn right. Seriously, the day I take orders from a child…wait, who's that other kid over there?
Dudley: Dudley Dursley sir, Harry's cousin.
Dumbledore: Double D huh? Kinda like your boob size.
Petunia: WHAT?!
Vernon: HOW DARE YOU SPEAK OF MY…
Dudley: *checking how big he is* Actually, he might have a point.
Vernon: Oh…well, I guess he is a bit big…
Dumbledore: Are you kidding? He's bigger than my half-giant groundskeeper.
Vernon: Don't push your luck.
Dumbledore: Yeah, I suppose I should get to why I'm here.
Petunia: This better be good.
Dumbledore: I'm taking Harry.
Petunia: Oh? Why didn't you say so? Take him for as long as you like.
Dumbledore: Oh, don't worry, he'll be back next summer.
Vernon: THE HELL HE WILL! After all the shit we've had to put up with because of his magic…
Dumbledore: Joke's on you, you have to do it, or risk being killed by Voldemort *thundercrack*
Vernon: …what…the fuck…did you do?
Dumbledore: Oh, not much, just put a spell on Harry so that, as long as he still lives here as a minor, this house will be protected from Voldemort's *thundercrack* followers.
Harry: Wait, Voldemort *thundercrack* was presumed dead at the time when I got here. Why would you even bother doing that?
Dumbledore: Because if anyone was going to torture you, it was going to be me.
Harry: Then you left me with the wrong family.
Dumbledore: I know *glaring at Vernon* I can't believe you and your wife abused not one, but two children.
Vernon: WHAT?!
Petunia: We never abused our Duddykins.
Dudley: Actually, technically speaking…
Dumbledore: And now for the other reason I'm here: your godfather's will.
Vernon: Wait, HE'S DEAD?!
Dumbledore: What, Harry didn't tell you?
Harry: Okay, first of all, he's not dead, he's just stuck in the past…
Vernon: How far in the past?
Harry: Like, seven or eight hundred years, but that's not the…
Petunia: So, effectively dead then?
Harry: …maybe he'll come back?
Dumbledore: Pfft, fat chance, orphan boy. He's dead, and it's all your fault.
Harry: Not a reminder I needed.
Dumbledore: Anyway, despite the fact that you got your godfather killed…
Harry: Trapped in the past.
Dumbledore: …he decided to leave everything to you.
Harry: Aww, sweet, I have my own house?
Vernon: Good, get the fuck out of mine.
Dumbledore: Unfortunately…
Vernon: Son of a bitch.
Dumbledore: …we believe that house actually was inherited by his next of kin. In this case, some French stranger.
Harry: French stranger? …wait, you don't mean…
Dumbledore: Yes, Sirus's cousin, who sent him to the past in the first place. I'm not saying her name because ew, French.
Harry: Bellatrix Lestrange.
Dumbledore: Eww, you said it.
Vernon: How dare anyone talk French in my house?!
Dumbledore: Anyway, I have a way of figuring out if the house is yours or not *snaps his fingers, and Kreacher suddenly appeared in the room*
Petunia: WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!
Kreacher: WHERE THE FUCK AM I?!
Harry: YOU?! *immediately starts strangling Kreacher* YOU! TOLD! ME! SIRIUS! WASN'T! HOME! YOU! ASSHOLE!
Kreacher: *wheezing* Actually…I just…said he…wasn't…available…
Harry: I…DON'T…CARE! *continues strangling*
Kreacher: Harder daddy.
Harry: *stops strangling Kreacher* Ew.
Dumbledore: Well, the fact that he called you daddy means he must belong to you. Congratulations, you own a slave.
Harry: Wait, so Kreacher has to do everything I say?
Dumbledore: Correct.
Harry: Excellent. Kreacher, slap Dumbledore as hard as you can.
Dumbledore: What?
Kreacher: Kinky *slaps Dumbledore*
Harry: Great. Now Uncle Vernon.
Vernon: What? *slap*
Harry: Now Aunt Petunia.
Petunia: What? *slap*
Harry: And now…
Dudley: I brought you some tea, cousin.
Harry: *taking the teacup* Oh…never mind then.
Dudley: It's okay, you can slap me. It's the least you can do to me after fifteen years of, shall we say, improper behaviour.
Harry: …o…kay…slap him *Kreacher slaps Dudley*
Dumbledore: Now that Harry's gotten revenge on you for all the abuse he's suffered up to this point…
Harry: Not even close.
Dumbledore: …I'mma take him. Seeya *grabs Harry's hand and apparates out of the house*
Dudley: You know, he should get proper revenge for the abuse he suffered. It's only fair after he saved my life last year…
Vernon: Did you say something Dudley?
Dudley: …no.
