Chapter 3: Do and Don't

Harry: *snoring, before suddenly being awoken* Huh? What the? We've started? *sees the chapter number* WHAT THE FUCK?! Chapter 3 and I've only just made my first appearance? What the hell were the first two chapters? *hears knocking at the door* I really hope it's a reasonable hour right now, otherwise…

Vernon: WHO THE FUCK KNOCKS ON THE DOOR AT ELEVEN IN THE EVENING?!

Harry: Apparently not *goes downstairs to see who it is*

Petunia: Vernon? Who is it dear?

Vernon: Probably just some weirdo or drug addict.

Dumbledore: *apparating into the house* What the fuck did you say about me?

Vernon: What the…how did you…?

Harry: Magic, sir.

Vernon: You brought him here, boy?!

Harry: Believe me, he's far from the first person I'd bring here from the magical world.

Petunia: Well, tell him to leave.

Harry: Can't do that.

Petunia: Can't, or won't?

Harry: Bit of both, actually. You see, there's nothing preventing me from asking him to leave, but I also know for a fact that he won't listen.

Dumbledore: Damn right. Seriously, the day I take orders from a child…wait, who's that other kid over there?

Dudley: Dudley Dursley sir, Harry's cousin.

Dumbledore: Double D huh? Kinda like your boob size.

Petunia: WHAT?!

Vernon: HOW DARE YOU SPEAK OF MY…

Dudley: *checking how big he is* Actually, he might have a point.

Vernon: Oh…well, I guess he is a bit big…

Dumbledore: Are you kidding? He's bigger than my half-giant groundskeeper.

Vernon: Don't push your luck.

Dumbledore: Yeah, I suppose I should get to why I'm here.

Petunia: This better be good.

Dumbledore: I'm taking Harry.

Petunia: Oh? Why didn't you say so? Take him for as long as you like.

Dumbledore: Oh, don't worry, he'll be back next summer.

Vernon: THE HELL HE WILL! After all the shit we've had to put up with because of his magic…

Dumbledore: Joke's on you, you have to do it, or risk being killed by Voldemort *thundercrack*

Vernon: …what…the fuck…did you do?

Dumbledore: Oh, not much, just put a spell on Harry so that, as long as he still lives here as a minor, this house will be protected from Voldemort's *thundercrack* followers.

Harry: Wait, Voldemort *thundercrack* was presumed dead at the time when I got here. Why would you even bother doing that?

Dumbledore: Because if anyone was going to torture you, it was going to be me.

Harry: Then you left me with the wrong family.

Dumbledore: I know *glaring at Vernon* I can't believe you and your wife abused not one, but two children.

Vernon: WHAT?!

Petunia: We never abused our Duddykins.

Dudley: Actually, technically speaking…

Dumbledore: And now for the other reason I'm here: your godfather's will.

Vernon: Wait, HE'S DEAD?!

Dumbledore: What, Harry didn't tell you?

Harry: Okay, first of all, he's not dead, he's just stuck in the past…

Vernon: How far in the past?

Harry: Like, seven or eight hundred years, but that's not the…

Petunia: So, effectively dead then?

Harry: …maybe he'll come back?

Dumbledore: Pfft, fat chance, orphan boy. He's dead, and it's all your fault.

Harry: Not a reminder I needed.

Dumbledore: Anyway, despite the fact that you got your godfather killed…

Harry: Trapped in the past.

Dumbledore: …he decided to leave everything to you.

Harry: Aww, sweet, I have my own house?

Vernon: Good, get the fuck out of mine.

Dumbledore: Unfortunately…

Vernon: Son of a bitch.

Dumbledore: …we believe that house actually was inherited by his next of kin. In this case, some French stranger.

Harry: French stranger? …wait, you don't mean…

Dumbledore: Yes, Sirus's cousin, who sent him to the past in the first place. I'm not saying her name because ew, French.

Harry: Bellatrix Lestrange.

Dumbledore: Eww, you said it.

Vernon: How dare anyone talk French in my house?!

Dumbledore: Anyway, I have a way of figuring out if the house is yours or not *snaps his fingers, and Kreacher suddenly appeared in the room*

Petunia: WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!

Kreacher: WHERE THE FUCK AM I?!

Harry: YOU?! *immediately starts strangling Kreacher* YOU! TOLD! ME! SIRIUS! WASN'T! HOME! YOU! ASSHOLE!

Kreacher: *wheezing* Actually…I just…said he…wasn't…available…

Harry: I…DON'T…CARE! *continues strangling*

Kreacher: Harder daddy.

Harry: *stops strangling Kreacher* Ew.

Dumbledore: Well, the fact that he called you daddy means he must belong to you. Congratulations, you own a slave.

Harry: Wait, so Kreacher has to do everything I say?

Dumbledore: Correct.

Harry: Excellent. Kreacher, slap Dumbledore as hard as you can.

Dumbledore: What?

Kreacher: Kinky *slaps Dumbledore*

Harry: Great. Now Uncle Vernon.

Vernon: What? *slap*

Harry: Now Aunt Petunia.

Petunia: What? *slap*

Harry: And now…

Dudley: I brought you some tea, cousin.

Harry: *taking the teacup* Oh…never mind then.

Dudley: It's okay, you can slap me. It's the least you can do to me after fifteen years of, shall we say, improper behaviour.

Harry: …o…kay…slap him *Kreacher slaps Dudley*

Dumbledore: Now that Harry's gotten revenge on you for all the abuse he's suffered up to this point…

Harry: Not even close.

Dumbledore: …I'mma take him. Seeya *grabs Harry's hand and apparates out of the house*

Dudley: You know, he should get proper revenge for the abuse he suffered. It's only fair after he saved my life last year…

Vernon: Did you say something Dudley?

Dudley: …no.